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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really underhand of MIL?

501 replies

Realitea · 16/04/2017 09:46

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

OP posts:
Catrina1234 · 19/04/2017 14:25

Astro You tell me I have an attitude that says I'm right - I absolutely fail to understand how you can't see that what all you pro OP posters are doing is saying you are right - the truth of the matter is that none of us know because we have only heard one side of the issue. MIL might be a deceiving old trout for all I know (or care)and OP might be a spiteful little minx - who knows. What I don't get is how you all jump to OP's defence when you don't know what happenedand furthermore get angry with anyone who dares to suggest that there could be another version of events. It's because of the MIL issue - I'm fairly sure that if this had been a post talking about a mother, sister, aunt, gran. friend etc, it would have gone to 3 pages not 19!

You have no idea of the OP's temperament or disposition - her ability to be truthful, prone to exaggeration or whatever - none what so ever, but that doesn't stop you all being sure that the OP's version is right and then you have the temerity to tell me that I'm coming across as the one whose right .............unbelievable.

And I didn't have to "look up" the issue about the Family Courts as I am a retired social worker/manager with 30 years experience in Children's Services so the information was there in my head
You need to look before you leap - to be honest I find you one of the more unpleasant posters..

Crapuccino · 19/04/2017 14:27

Catrina And yet by your exact same argument, none of those issues prevent you from being so sure that you are right. It's amazing how you have some miraculous insight and yet the rest of us are so blind.

ohfourfoxache · 19/04/2017 14:32

Completely agree with Hissy.

Realitea I really really don't want to make you feel worse, but I wonder if I'm addition to her not being able to let her dc fly the nest whether that extends to deliberately excluding you. She doesn't sound very inclusive and seems to deliberately keep you on the "outside" Sad

HashiAsLarry · 19/04/2017 14:33

crap it's not you who's been merailing Smile

GoodDayToYou · 19/04/2017 14:33

The way he sees family here is really important, I think.

My mil also sees herself as head of the family and I've heard it all from her flying monkeys, inc. 'Family's the most important thing' etc etc. I've found it really helpful to remind my dp that what they're really referring to here is not actually their family per se, but, his mother's 'family', as approved by her. This is actually a clique which doesn't include my family or even her husband's (fil's) family or lots of other relatives (inc certain gc) who are not in her 'family' gang. This had apparently gone unnoticed previously and was just accepted blindly by the 'in' members.

Hope this helps. Flowers

Catrina1234 · 19/04/2017 14:34

NO crap - you fundamentally misunderstand me. I am saying that none of us know what really happened but everyone has jumped to the conclusion that OP is right - I don't* know nor care who is right -they are just lines of text written by some anonymous person (as we all are) Please read my post above as I can't be arsed to type it all out again. But just so you're sure
I don't know who is right but neither do you or the rest of the pack of MIL haters. Got it - No i thought not!

Astro55 · 19/04/2017 14:39

Catrina

OP has asked for help - her situation is as she sees it -

MIL may well come on here and also get help

YOU are not helping

Crapuccino · 19/04/2017 14:43

It dismays me to think that you have worked in social services for thirty years Catrina. If vulnerable families in need of support and guidance have received anything like the "help" and "advice" you've given OP throughout this thread, I feel desperately sorry for them.

Astro55 · 19/04/2017 15:00

I agree and quoting GP rights to a family spat is a bit OTT

Talk about a sledge hammer to a nut

VictoriaPollardMD · 19/04/2017 15:10

OP seems like an intelligent sensible person to me who wouldn't in any case take at face value what an anonymous person might claim about their qualifications, merely to try push their own rather bitter agenda.

Time for a nice sit down and a cup of tea old gal? Have a bickie, do.

Catrina1234 · 19/04/2017 15:24

Ha Crap - in social work we always look at the big picture and in safeguarding work especially it is vital that we get to the truth as far as possible to protect the child. We learn never to take at face value what people tell us - we need evidence to put before the court if that's where we are heading.

Oscar Wilde said "the truth is never pure and rarely simple"

But the job of the social worker is to get to the bottom of things and attempt to remedy the matter. God only knows where we'd be if we jumped to the conclusion that one party was telling the truth and others were not. It is far more complex than that and it is very stressful work. Anyway you don't need to feel sorry for the hundreds of services users with whom I was involved over so many years. They were treated with dignity even when their behaviour was dreadful in some cases. I am actually involved with very senior members and academics in social work in assisting to draft the new "Children and Families Bill" - and I have in fact been published. Would love to give my real name but you wouldn't have heard of the book anyway.

Astro55 · 19/04/2017 15:27

The truth is how you see and judge things

The truth is the DD doesn't like it

The truth is the OP wants to tread carefully to avoid a family fallout

YOUR truth would be to prod too far and too deep so the family couldn't recover

This isn't a safeguarding issue - the child is uncomfortable not in danger

HashiAsLarry · 19/04/2017 15:31

I have a girlfriend, you wouldn't know her, she goes to another school Wink

Astro55 · 19/04/2017 15:32

I have a girlfriend

But can you prove that?

ohfourfoxache · 19/04/2017 15:32

Catrina, try this in for size:

this isn't about you

Personally I couldn't give a shiny shit whether you're published or not. It's irrelevant.

What IS relevant is that you've repeatedly ignored what this op (and others) have stated in their posts. This is far from helpful.

You have also seeming refused to consider that other posters- including me- can look at a situation that is from a perspective that is not that of a mil, dm or dsm. You are not simply goady but you have been downright condescending and rude.

Other posters on this thread - I suggest you do what I have failed to do: don't respond (I won't be engaging further) and starve this thing if oxygen. The important thing is to offer support to those who need it, which mercifully is something that MN excels at.

Crapuccino · 19/04/2017 15:49

Catrina: in social work ... we learn never to take at face value what people tell us

Catrina: Well OP I think your dh needs to calm down but it sounds like it's a rocky marriage anyway. I think however he could be right about his mother not trying to say anything untoward to your children. It didn't sound like you really heard and assumed the worst. I don't get why some of you mums don't want the kids to spend some time with their GM.

Remarkable how you believe OP when it suits you, and don't believe her when it doesn't.

Oh and you're published? So too are Roy Meadow and Andrew Wakefield, both of whom took strong interests in the welfare of children and families in different ways.

HashiAsLarry · 19/04/2017 15:52

But can you prove that?
Yeah totally, hang on while I google a random photo figure out how to upload something Wink

Batgirlspants · 19/04/2017 15:59

catrina its fine to put other views if they are considered and are helpful. Sometimes people post about a situation and then other posters gently put other views to the person in crisis and offer other opinions and that's really helpful.

You haven't been that person you have consistently pushed your one view and dismissed all the ops comments.

I am a mil by the way. And s gran and wouldn't dream of acting like that ops mil.

Batgirlspants · 19/04/2017 16:10

This thread had been really interesting obviously sorry opi don't for a moment forget the hurt here but wanted to make a point.

Are larger families like this? Not the controlling or nasty bits but the whole family thing?

Dh was from a family of 5 siblings and although had wonderful parents and siblings who I love dearly they once booked s holiday to the same caravan party me and dh had booked a few weeks previously. The whole family. As a young mum of 2 toddlers I just wanted it to be us 4.

I stress his family are lovely and supportive. Now I have 4 kids 2 married and we all of us went away last year. Me and dh paid and invited them and all seemed very keen. Dils too. We get in great. However we might need to watch it with any other people our other 2 kids marry.

Sorry to derail op just was interested in your mils view of her family

She's a nasty manipulative cow though.

DrasticAction · 19/04/2017 16:21

catrina I agree we only ever get one side of the story here but there are common bad mil behaviours that are repeated often for instance - putting their wants and needs ahead of small DC, which is exactly what ops mil has done.

Whichever way you look at it - the mil went behind ops back and tried to bribe the dc into staying over which - ended in tears.

I am surprised you dont understand this? Its a common theme in RL and on here and in fact all over the top mil behaviours was in The Red House TV series...

My own did it to my DC who ended up shouting at her to "leave me alone STOP IT". She is a nightmare for it. I have read it time and time again on here. For instance there are similar behaviour patterns in abusive men.

An abused woman can immediately relate to them because she has probably been the victim of the same tactics.Your calling posters in here Mil haters when in actual fact so very many of us - sadly have been the victim of the same tactics

bibbitybobbityyhat · 19/04/2017 16:30

Catrina - the way it works on Mumsnet is that in general you try to take the op's version as the truth. Unless you think they are trolling. There is really no point in second guessing every variation on what might have happened. We would be here all night.

I say this as someone who thinks a colossal mountain has been made out of this fairly common family dynamic issue and therefore op must take some responsibility for the way she has reacted. In other families it simply wouldn't be an issue at all. All this shouting YOU ARE THE MATRIARCH OF YOUR OWN FAMILY is just frankly embarrassing.

ohfourfoxache · 19/04/2017 16:30

Totally agree Drastic- with the slight amendment in that it's not just MILs.

My main experience is from the perspective of a granddaughter with one narcissistic grandmother and the other who was just downright fucking nasty. It was the nasty one who tried to manipulate my DSis and I (especially me as I was the "favourite" Hmm )

DrasticAction · 19/04/2017 16:57

The important thing is to offer support to those who need it, which mercifully is something that MN excels at ]

YY I didn't read your earlier post totally agree. Its not supportive at all.

Lostmysignal · 19/04/2017 18:58

I think you need to realise Catrina that OP hasn't asked for a SW opinion or help. Just other peoples support and help who have perhaps been in this situation. You've waded in in your size 9 SW boots. Leave your SW hat off for a bit and calm down. Ffs

Lostmysignal · 19/04/2017 18:59

OP I'm glad it's all calmed down for you. I hope things improve in the future for you too. X