Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really underhand of MIL?

501 replies

Realitea · 16/04/2017 09:46

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

OP posts:
Huldra · 16/04/2017 11:43

I would talk to your kids with your dp as planned, away from Granny so she can't stick her oar in. If they've previously said they dont want to stay then they will probably revert back to that quickly. If they do say that they said yes to Granny then tell them that she will understand if they've changed their minds.

Get your husband to tell his Mum about the decision. If she kicks up a fuss then look Confused and innocently wonder why the kids would have had that conversation with her because you had agreed it would be discussed later.

gammaraystar · 16/04/2017 11:44

I would be taking them home. How dare she do this? You don't need to cause a scene, but get them out of there.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 16/04/2017 11:44

my DM would do this sort of thing

So did mine. It took me years to learn about boundaries and figure out why I kept getting into relationships with abusive so and sos and making excuses for them.

trussstinmeee · 16/04/2017 11:45

Norma are you OPs MIL?

MakeItRain · 16/04/2017 11:45

Make sure you ask them out of her earshot so they don't feel obliged to say they want to stay because she's listening to their replies.
Though really, if they're under 10, it's your decision. If you feel it's too far without you then don't leave them. They've had a lovely time with you there presumably, it's not like you're preventing them from seeing her.

Huldra · 16/04/2017 11:47

I would have the conversation with your kids fairly soon, the longer you leave it the more chance there is for Granny to act like it's happening and start throwing stuff out there.

Oh look kids, I have too many eggs, we can make a cake when Mummy and Daddy have gone.
Shall we go to the park tomorrow? Are you big enough to help me plant some seeds later?

EweAreHere · 16/04/2017 11:52

What is all this matriarch crap?

These are your children. You get to decide, with your children, not your MIL. And if you think your MIL has behaved badly, emotionally guilted and bribed them into staying, she has not only gone back on your word, she is teaching your children it's ok to behave this way. It's not.

Tell your DH the children are coming home with you, end of. You both have to agree to leave them there, and you don't agree.

Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 11:52

If she says something like that I'll definitely step in and say we haven't asked yet whether they want to stay! God this has really pissed me off. She must know she's done wrong.

OP posts:
chocolateisnecessary · 16/04/2017 11:54

If they're under 10, they go home with you.
She's playing games and it's cruel.
You need to stop it.

NormaSmuff · 16/04/2017 11:56

Norma are you OPs MIL?

Someone always asks me this when i see the other point of view from the herd.
ffs

NormaSmuff · 16/04/2017 11:58

have a break without them op.
dont fall into the trap of alienating mother in laws just because mumsnet says so.

go and enjoy yourselves without the DC.

NormaSmuff · 16/04/2017 11:58

she might have just been saying the exciting things they could do, the playgrounds they could go to, a bunny hunt or something.

Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 11:59

I wouldn't have minded dc staying with mil if they'd been asked fairly but this tug of war thing is so out of order.

OP posts:
NormaSmuff · 16/04/2017 12:01

why call it tug of war?
surely she was just making promises of exciting things?

NormaSmuff · 16/04/2017 12:02

sometimes DC need bribery to be fair Wink

aside from that do you like your inlaws?

TheStoic · 16/04/2017 12:05

I'm struggling to see why there is such drama.

Just ask the kids again, with no pressure from either side.

gammaraystar · 16/04/2017 12:08

If she is this manipulative whilst you are there who knows what she is like when you are away. Children need to know their decisions are respected and they shouldn't be forced to do anything they don't want to. What exactly are you teaching them by allowing them to be manipulated and their decisions disrespected? That they must always do what they are told, even when they are uncomfortable. This is not ok!

PenelopeFlintstone · 16/04/2017 12:11

If they're under 10, they go home with you.
They won't want to stay at grandma's much after this age, though.

DavidPuddy · 16/04/2017 12:12

I think it's mean to make this a choice of the children. Children will always try to please the adult they are talking to. We would never have been given this choice when young and if we had I would have been wracked with guilt about making the wrong one. Ifthe children protest strongly either way once the decision is made then that shouldn't be ignored, of course.

NormaSmuff · 16/04/2017 12:14

i agree, it is not fair to give the choice to the dc.

You have to do the driving around.
You decide. Why wouldnt they want to stay at grandmas?

chocolateisnecessary · 16/04/2017 12:20

I agree re choice - it's not fair on them at all - and if they said they wanted to go home before, take them back.

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 16/04/2017 12:21

Norma: sometimes DC need bribery to be fair Wink

Well that was... creepy. No. Children should not need bribery to form healthy, loving relationships with extended family members. If the relationship develops slowly, it develops slowly. Better that they want to spend time with someone because of a natural love built on actual affection than that they choose to be around someone purely for the material crap they can get out of it. Why would anyone want the latter?

SapphireStrange · 16/04/2017 12:23

All hell would break loose and dh already treads on eggshells anyway. Mil is used to getting her own way and being the head of the family.

Oh, so what. She tried to bribe a couple of under-10s? Hmm Take them home and stand the fuck up to her.

NormaSmuff · 16/04/2017 12:25

do you not bribe your children, to go to the shops, to the playground, when they would rather veg?

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 16/04/2017 12:26

NormaSmuff: Why wouldnt they want to stay at grandmas?

Lots of reasons why kids might not want to hang out at grandmas. They might not feel as comfortable around her due to the relationship still being under-developed. Grandma might be horrible behind the scenes. Grandma's house might not be as much fun or as comfortable as home. The food might not be the same. They might just have exciting Easter stuff at home that they want to get back to. Whatever the reason, if this stay-over is meant to be something that the children can enjoy (and not just something purely for the MIL) then I think it's only fair to give the children a choice and then respect their decision.