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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really underhand of MIL?

501 replies

Realitea · 16/04/2017 09:46

Currently staying with IL's for a few days. Mil wants dc to stay without the rest of us for a bit longer to spend some time together. Dh told her yesterday it's up to dc and we were planning on asking them later today. Mil said she would not put any pressure on them at all.
This morning I heard mil asking dc herself and when they said they'd rather go home she kept quietly talking them into it until they decided they will stay. Whispering in the ear, bribing.. I am really angry about this! Who do I speak to? Dc/mil or dh? Or do I just let it go?

OP posts:
magoria · 16/04/2017 10:36

Your DC are going to learn that they have to let MIL have her way and walk on eggshells too.

Do you really want them to have to appease her the way their dad does?

All hell is a small price to pay for protecting your DC from having to live this sort of life.

Put them first.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 16/04/2017 10:36

I would feel very uncomfortable about that too. If you are sure they really don't want to stay then just say you've changed your mind and you are taking them home with you. You don't need to give in to that sort of behaviour.

trussstinmeee · 16/04/2017 10:37

It took me a long time to understand how they work

That shouldn't matter to you because MIL lacks respect and consideration. Would you not be partly responsible if you let this behaviour continue out of hand?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 10:43

Realitea

I get that this is confrontational and scary and you're walking on eggshells. I have a matriarch for a mother myself. I've had to put her in her place a fair few times with dd. The manipulation displayed by your mil also sounds a lot like my sil (brother married his mother 🙄). What I said upthread is the only way I've found effective for dealing with such difficult personalities. But I appreciate it's tough to get the courage to do this. And it doesn't always happen this way or work when I try to do it.

Libitina · 16/04/2017 10:43

Why did you not step in at the time?

Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 10:58

I wish I had stepped in. God knows why I didn't. Avoiding confrontation again i think. Now I'm stuck at mil's house avoiding her and stewing over this. I wish I had be just nipped it in the bud at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 10:59

Mummyoflittledragon, I know your advice is the best but I just can't do it! Very frustrating I know. I'm just not used to matriarchs!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 11:00

That's fine, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. It is very frustrating. I'm sorry if my message seemed that way. Smile

Jaxhog · 16/04/2017 11:06

Talk to your DCs and find out what they really want to do. If they aren't sure/bothered either way, then go with what you and DH want. Then stick with it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 11:11

When I said very frustrating, I meant the situation, not you!

Trifleorbust · 16/04/2017 11:11

I'd be cross because it's underhand of her. I would still ask the DCs whether or not they want to stay there. If they say yes because they were bribed, what of it? They either want to be there, all things considered, or they don't.

tigermoll · 16/04/2017 11:12

Also (and I'm sure you get this now) saying "we'll leave it up to the DC to decide" is not a good strategy. As soon as you said that you'd turned control over to the kids, I expected that something like this would happen. Either this covert pressure, or something more public, like MIL saying to them, in front of everyone "you love your nana enough to want to stay here for a bit longer, don't you?"
In future, it might be better to deal with such requests by saying "that's a kind offer. We'll have to think about whether that fits into all our plans. Let me discuss it with DC and DP and get back to you."

Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 11:13

Mummyoflittledragon, no it's fine don't worry, I'm just frustrated with myself for not being able to do what I should (ie follow your advice)
I'll ask the dc what they want to do when it's approaching time to go and take their first answer. If mil starts getting all upset I'll ignore and stand by the decision.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 11:14

Good plan. Ignoring them really fucks them off Wink

ADishBestEatenCold · 16/04/2017 11:19

I would tell her you heard her. I wouldn't do it in a confrontational way and certainly not in an angry or challenging way.

I'd either raise it if the conversation presented itself very soon, or I'd potter away next to her and say

"I heard you asking the DCs to stay, MIL ... but DH and I will ask them, so can you leave it now, please ... simply so that, when we ask them, they base their answer on what they want and aren't persuaded either way".

Have your children stayed anywhere overnight without you and/or your DH before, OP?

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 16/04/2017 11:31

If they're going to be safe, loved and looked after what's the issue?!

That they're learning that love involves being manipulated and bribed into doing something they don't want to do? I don't call that loved, or safe, or looked after. Not a lesson I'd want my children to learn, or think that their parents will enable.

I agree with PP, this is unfortunately where you decide whether you raise your children in the belief that MiL's feelings, wants and needs are paramount and they need to get with the enabling programme because someone throwing a tantrum is too scary to withstand - or you show them that manipulative and controlling behaviour isn't ok, and how to stand up to it without being intimidated. Sorry. Sad

Agree it's a mistake to hand decisions to the children who then get manipulated to make the 'right' decision. My answer would have been as soon as I heard her working on them to say that no, deal's off. She said she wouldn't pressure them. She broke her word immediately. But if you don't give her her way anyway she'll scream?

magoria · 16/04/2017 11:33

Put your DC first not your MIL/your want for peace.

You heard them say they didn't want to stay until they were badgered to change their mind.

You know they will now say they want to stay so are just ignoring the issue.

This is not fair on your DC long term.

You are teaching them they have to do what MIL wants forever, just like their dad for the last 30? years and walk on egg shells to keep her happy.

Is that what you want for them?

NormaSmuff · 16/04/2017 11:33

my DM would do this sort of thing.

NormaSmuff · 16/04/2017 11:34

is it really so bad?

Original poster
Realitea · 16/04/2017 11:34

Dc have stayed here before once and they had a good time but not sure if they liked it that much without us there too. I'm going to have to face them soon anyway so let's see what happens. If it's brought up I'll just say I heard them saying they would rather stay with us first and I don't want them changing their mind at midnight or something so it's best they come home.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 16/04/2017 11:35

Perhaps your MIL genuinely convinced them it would be nice to stay.

Are they not allowed to change their minds?

NormaSmuff · 16/04/2017 11:35

why dont you let them stay with their granny?
it is nice to have relationships
wont you appreciate the time with just you and your dh?
how would you feel if it was your DM tryign to persuade her grandchildren to stay?

NormaSmuff · 16/04/2017 11:37

does it mean a lot of work driving for you if they do stay?

NormaSmuff · 16/04/2017 11:38

i think YABU
she at least asked you first

WitchQueenofNewOrleans · 16/04/2017 11:42

I hate confrontation and try and keep the peace, but In this instance think you need to tell your DH asap exactly what said between your DC and MIL. What other crap is she going to be telling them when she has them on her own.