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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one, get your teeth into this, WWYD?

159 replies

howaboutthisonethen · 15/01/2017 17:42

I've NC as this is potentially identifying though no-one knows we're getting married yet but I know how everyone loves a wedding one.

DP and I would like like to get married in September. His parents live a fair distance away, since we've been together the first time he visited them it would have been too soon for me to meet them. The second time they came here I was on holiday, so at new year I finally got to meet them.
DP had warned that his Mum could be hard work and frankly, he wasn't kidding. Still, I smiled through my gritted teeth throughout our weekend visit.

DP and I have been married before so we had the big wedding(s) back then.

Our local registry office has a very small room that can hold: us, our parents, our children and that's it.

There is one space left over and DP has a single, middle-aged brother who lives with their parents. I liked this brother when I met him but if his brother is invited to fill the one space then that leaves both of my siblings out. Both of my siblings have families of their own, though I think I could swing them coming to the ceremonies without their spouses, it wouldn't be fair to invite DP's brother to the ceremony without inviting my own siblings.

I say 'if there isn't space for all siblings then we invite none'.
DP agrees with this but says that if we don't invite his DB then his Mum will be very vocally unhappy about this, even if she knows the circumstances and MiL, FiL and BiL probably won't come to our wedding at all.

AWBU not to invite DBiL?

OP posts:
CookieLady · 15/01/2017 17:44

Don't cave. Start as you mean to go on with your in laws.

harderandharder2breathe · 15/01/2017 17:45

A single brother is very different from two siblings with families of their own

But it's not unreasonable to say all siblings or none. And it's not up to pil to insist on anything, it's not their wedding

EllaHen · 15/01/2017 17:47

Well, you don't actually know that she will complain.

Anyway, YANBU do not invite BIL.

YABU to predict his Mum will be hard work about it based on one meeting.

TaliDiNozzo · 15/01/2017 17:48

All siblings or no siblings is the only way to do this. Don't give in if MIL tantrums.

Nyancat · 15/01/2017 17:48

Normally id say invite all or non. But if in-laws are going to be the only ones travelling a fair distance to be there id invite bil. That's assuming though that you are maybe doing something after the registry like a meal and I'd invite all siblings to that. You can explain his invite away with him transporting in-laws or something.

DeathStare · 15/01/2017 17:48

Don't invite BIL. Just tell MIL that the numbers allowed are one less than they are. If you pander to "I won't come unless...." you are setting yourself up to have a wedding neither you nor your DP wants. They (will) have been told that that they are wanted at their sons's wedding. She's not entitled to want any more than that or to set conditions about whether they come or not.

Dewowby · 15/01/2017 17:48

Has he any special needs?
If the brother in question woudnt have a problem with it then go ahead. I think I would bypass the MIL and directly deal with the brother about it.if he's cool and not bothered, then at least dealing with MIL armed with that will make things easier. She can't disregard he feelings about it. Different story though if he is not able to express himself and she is his only advocate.

LemonyFresh · 15/01/2017 17:49

Either no siblings at all or find a slightly bigger place for the ceremony. Don't let the MIL dictate or you'll be a mug forever

LucklessMonster · 15/01/2017 17:50

I'd get a bigger room and have all siblings plus their families. But you don't cite that as an option, so from your choices I would invite none of them (giving a heads-up to the brother that it isn't personal) and get my partner to squash it immediately if his mother kicks up a fuss. It's your wedding and your guest list.

CMOTDibbler · 15/01/2017 17:51

Stick to your guns - your MIL making a fuss is no reason to pander to her. If they threaten not to come if you don't, then say 'I'm sorry you feel like that, but it's your decision'. And repeat. Lots.

MrsMeeseeks · 15/01/2017 17:51

I agree that it's not fair to have just one sibling at the wedding. I'd stick to my guns and say that it should be parents and children only. Let the MIL strop about it if she likes - she'll get over it eventually.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2017 17:53

So basically, your DP wants to hand over control of the guest-list to his mother, on account of she's a gobby pushy PITA?

No.

TheHuntingOfTheSarky · 15/01/2017 17:53

We did this, just the small Registry Office room as I didn't want a big "look at me" ceremony. Just both sets of parents. Unfortunately on the day it ended up also being my DH's adopted brother as he has MH issues and my MIL "didn't think we'd mind" if he turned up to the RO having travelled up with them. He'd hired a sut and everything so I couldn't exactly send him away. Then afterwards my DB got wind of it and had a major strop that him and his family hadn't been invited to the ceremony. If I were you I'd stick to your guns and not invite BIL.

Enidblyton1 · 15/01/2017 17:55

I would avoid the issue by choosing a slightly bigger registry office.

TheProblemOfSusan · 15/01/2017 17:55

Ooh, tricky. I would be inclined to go for a slightly larger space and only have siblings and their children as extra. However that's ONLY if there's a slightly bigger room. If it's a much bigger room, for the love of all that is dear to you don't take it - it'll get filled with random in laws you don't want,then your family might get involved, then the next thing you know you're catering to 140 with extra evening guests.

If the smaller room is the only one available then I agree with the pp who suggested telling the in laws that you're just the right number for it with no siblings. The only flaw in this is that the capacity is probably online - are the in laws likely to spot it?

Don't cave - do not invite the brother unless there's space for your siblings too. In fact have got got a very dear mutual friend to fill the space?

Andrewofgg · 15/01/2017 17:56

DeathStare is spot on. Lie about the number the room will hold, and invite no siblings.

TSSDNCOP · 15/01/2017 17:56

All siblings or no siblings. If that means no wives/husbands/kids of siblings it's still the fair way to go.

A marriage is a marathon, don't fuck things up at the start.

ChilliMum · 15/01/2017 17:58

Is the bill coming with pil and are they travelling a distance as I think that this alters the situation somewhat. Would he have to wait somewhere alone while you all go off to get married?
I think in these circumstances I would speak to my siblings. If my sibling had this situation I would completely understand.

TSSDNCOP · 15/01/2017 17:58

Won't the lying about numbers be evident when they all turn up?

Your plans success relies on people not being able to count chairs.

Grin
PotteringAlong · 15/01/2017 17:59

Isn't just find somewhere big enough for all siblings.

bonnieweelass · 15/01/2017 18:00

Why not get married somewhere else? Confused

sonyaya · 15/01/2017 18:00

Treat both sides equally. If your siblings aren't coming, his shouldn't either.

Though unless you're looking to burn bridges with your families, I'd find a bigger registry office and have your brothers and sisters attend.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 15/01/2017 18:01

Would your siblings be ok about it? Will you be having a meal or something that theycan all join you at? If answer to both of those is yes I would probably invite the brother..seems a bit mean to leave him out just because the others can't come as there is no way you can invite them anyway..

BurningBridges · 15/01/2017 18:05

Are you having a meal or something afterwards OP? Could your DP's brother go out for a drink with your siblings during the actual wedding bit and then all meet up afterwards?

THirdEeye · 15/01/2017 18:06

Get married abroad just the two of you (and DC if you have them) and then have a party at home when you get back. Then you can invite all siblings and get the day you want.