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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one, get your teeth into this, WWYD?

159 replies

howaboutthisonethen · 15/01/2017 17:42

I've NC as this is potentially identifying though no-one knows we're getting married yet but I know how everyone loves a wedding one.

DP and I would like like to get married in September. His parents live a fair distance away, since we've been together the first time he visited them it would have been too soon for me to meet them. The second time they came here I was on holiday, so at new year I finally got to meet them.
DP had warned that his Mum could be hard work and frankly, he wasn't kidding. Still, I smiled through my gritted teeth throughout our weekend visit.

DP and I have been married before so we had the big wedding(s) back then.

Our local registry office has a very small room that can hold: us, our parents, our children and that's it.

There is one space left over and DP has a single, middle-aged brother who lives with their parents. I liked this brother when I met him but if his brother is invited to fill the one space then that leaves both of my siblings out. Both of my siblings have families of their own, though I think I could swing them coming to the ceremonies without their spouses, it wouldn't be fair to invite DP's brother to the ceremony without inviting my own siblings.

I say 'if there isn't space for all siblings then we invite none'.
DP agrees with this but says that if we don't invite his DB then his Mum will be very vocally unhappy about this, even if she knows the circumstances and MiL, FiL and BiL probably won't come to our wedding at all.

AWBU not to invite DBiL?

OP posts:
3luckystars · 15/01/2017 21:49

It's the joining of 2 families and I don't think you should be leaving some immediate family in and some out if you want to have a relationship with them.

leaving a sibling out could cause irreparable damage and it's not about the money at all, or the numbers, you just don't want certain people there, and that fine and up to yourself and there is no solution needed here.
You have already had a wedding and know all this, but most people have at least one shit head at their wedding, it's all part of it, and also, people will still give you gifts, no matter what you say or do, they will. You will be given gifts and money and won't have any excuse for leaving people out except that you don't want them there.

I hope you have a brilliant day and wish you all the best.

CotswoldStrife · 15/01/2017 23:48

Sorry if it wasn't you Sparkly, I was assuming it was because you said your parents weren't speaking to you afterwards.

OP - I really would consider a bigger room. Or doubling the budget for the wedding to allow for a larger room (in that or another nearby registry office) and the costs of the meal. Has your DH really only seen his parents three times during your entire relationship?

NanooCov · 16/01/2017 00:15

Just find a bigger venue.

Andrewofgg · 16/01/2017 09:15

Just find a bigger venue.

I really would consider a bigger room. Or doubling the budget for the wedding to allow for a larger room

Sometimes I wonder if MN is haunted by the Ghost of Tommy Cooper. "Just like that".

Inertia · 16/01/2017 10:16

If the ceremony is so unimportant that saving money for the house is more important than a hundred quid more for a room big enough to fit all your immediate family in, don't bother inviting anyone to the ceremony or having a meal after.

CotswoldStrife · 16/01/2017 12:43

Andrewofgg I really don't think either of those suggestions are beyond the capability of the OP. She hasn't said that is the only room that the registry office just that 'it has a small room'. Most have more than one.

She has stated her budget (£500) and it has been pointed out that it would be hard to even buy a meal for the number of people she is planning to invite to the reception, even if her own siblings come without their partners and children. We don't have the exact number but assuming they have two parents each, their own children, 3 siblings, themselves - you're already into double figures for numbers, more if the siblings bring partners and children themselves. That's going to make it tricky to provide a restaurant-priced meal for the budget stated, buffet may be better than a seated three-course meal.

It is absolutely right that the OP has a budget in mind (and a really good reason for it too) and a budget often means that we have to make choices. I think the OP is so focused on the financial side however that she is underestimating how much her family would like to be at the ceremony. She has already said that her siblings would be disappointed not to be invited to the ceremony.

Megatherium · 16/01/2017 17:52

Are you absolutely sure the Registry Office doesn't have a bigger room? It would be extremely unusual if it doesn't.

sonjadog · 16/01/2017 17:56

Why don´t you just tell your MiL that there is one less space than there actually is? Then the whole issue can be sidestepped. By the time she finds out, it´ll be too late.

Anyway, if your DP is fine with them potentially not coming, I don´t see the problem at all. Just invite parents. If they don´t come, then fine.

Yamadori · 16/01/2017 18:07

Is there another register office in a nearby town which has a larger seating capacity? Maybe speak to the registrar at the titchy one, and ask for their advice.

Andrewofgg · 16/01/2017 18:25

If you marry in the register office it has to be the one for the area where one or both of you live. Not that a lot of people don't give the address of a relative or friend in an area served by a more photogenic office!

TheProblemOfSusan · 16/01/2017 18:35

I started this thread because: DP is certain his DB shouldn't be invited as that isn't fair. If that means his DM doesn't come then DP thinks that is his DM's decision.

I think that's your answer: your DP doesn't want to invite him and it sounds like the venue is too small to have another room. Have the nice small wedding with your children that you want. I guess they're too young to be witnesses so invite both sets of parents, ask both mums to be witnesses (or dads, but mums might make it more politic with your future MIL), and if she throws a hissy, she doesn't get to come at all and you can invite a sibling instead.

If your siblings are at all likely to be upset then you musn't invite DP's brother, it'll be so hard to explain to your siblings, whereas this way at least you can get a child or parent to record it and show them all together afterwards.

It sounds lovely, good luck!

TheProblemOfSusan · 16/01/2017 18:38

Andrewofgg, no, not any more - we got married in a registry office out of our area. It was MUCH more photogenic. You just have to register that you're going to get married at your miserable 50s weird green block funeral parlour looking registry office first.

I think it changed when they let other buildings be registered for marriages.

maddy68 · 16/01/2017 18:41

I would have the brother as best man then it is only the wedding party invited :)

erchissick · 16/01/2017 18:42

Go to Gretna Green with witnesses and no one else. Then have a small reception for everyone when you get home.

As you say, you've both been married before so you want something small.

If your in laws and bil are travelling a long distance, then you would be a little unreasonable to expect pil's to attend and bil to wait at the door/hotel/whatever while the ceremony takes place because there's not enough room for everyone on your side.

You could always ask your siblings how they feel about bil being there because if the travelling (see above). But if it's going to create such a problem, go with the Gretna Green scenario.

Btw, it doesn't have to be Gretna Green, you could do it with just you and your witnesses at the registry office.

Andrewofgg · 16/01/2017 18:46

You live and learn!

DW and I had a religious marriage but I remember giving notice and thinking that was where we would have had to go to if we had wanted a civil marriage (and did not know, which I did, how to fiddle the system).

For my area it was not too bad; it was a 1904 Town Hall with a certain grandeur to match. For DW's area it was one step better than a Nissen hut.

Of course the councils resisted the plan for marriages anywhere else because they wanted to keep the monopoly. Some of them dragged their feet about agreeing to anywhere having a licence - and it should not have been left up to them - to the point where Major's government threatened legislation to hand over the licensing to central government.

SherbrookeFosterer · 16/01/2017 19:03

There may be an important reason why his single middle aged brother still lives at home that your DP hasn't yet told you. I would make an exception for him.

Chloe84 · 16/01/2017 19:06

Why does your MIL know there is one extra space that your future BIL could have had? What she didn't know, wouldn't have hurt her.

(Unless I have misunderstood and she doesn't know).

notangelinajolie · 16/01/2017 19:20

I think I am missing something here .... If you know that not inviting some family is going to cause upset - then why do it? Why would you even be considering doing something that could potentially spoil your wedding day?

Get a bigger room or elope to Gretna.

And if you can't do either then I suggest you don't invite parents either - just the two of you and your kids. No one can be offended at that. Save money and invite everyone else to join the bride and groom at your house afterwards. Six bottles of Cava and few sausage rolls and your're done!

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/01/2017 19:20

I'd do what bumsex suggested. Find a slightly larger room and do bring a dish at home or your parents house. Or do a nibbled buffet and a couple of bottles of bubbly. If I were a sibling/family member travelling to celebrate your special day, I'd be really eff'd off just to be invited to the meal. Imagine this thread
My sister is getting married in September. She hasn't invited us to the ceremony but has asked us if we'd like to go out for a meal afterwards. It's a 3 hour trip. AIBU be upset that she wants me to come for just a meal and not to the ceremony? It's a really long way to drive for just a meal

pollymere · 16/01/2017 19:30

If he lives at home with them it's tricky as they probably come as a set of three. Explain to your siblings and see how they feel. I had a very random collection of people at my sit down dinner (only 20 people) partly based on who would or wouldn't mind being left off! Everyone else went out somewhere else before going to my evening do. Legally you cannot bar anyone from your actual wedding. Are two extra chairs that much of an issue?

BakeOffBiscuits · 16/01/2017 19:47
Confused

You do not need to 'upgrade the wedding venue', just finder a bigger Registry Office!

greathat · 16/01/2017 19:49

Get a bigger room. It seems horrible to cut siblings out

altiara · 16/01/2017 19:54

I agree you should invite who you want to but do you really not want to invite your own siblings to your wedding? You said they'd be upset to miss it and people make the effort for a wedding not a meal in a restaurant afterwards. If it was my brother I'd want to watch him get married.
Sounds like your DH to be doesn't want BIL there as I think all parents watching their DC get married would want their other DC there too as it's a family occasion so a bit of a red herring that he's saying she'll complain. I would be a bit Hmm if my DS that was living with me wasn't invited to my other DS's wedding even though I've driven him there to wait outside. Although if you've already planned it all, I would like to think I wouldn't say book a bigger room I'll pay for it.

notangelinajolie · 16/01/2017 19:54

If there aren't enough seats, can't people stand? DH's sister was married in a very tiny register office, it was literally that - the registrar's office. 10 chairs and 4 of us stood at the back. No big deal really.

bumsexatthebingo · 16/01/2017 20:12

I'm wondering how all the 'it's your day hun' people would feel if their own sibling - who they were close to - didn't invite them to their wedding. There is an assumption that even if the wedding is tiny immediate family would be invited so it's a massive snub not to unless you are nc with them for other reasons. I would be very hurt if my sibling said that they would rather have a nicer meal than have me at their wedding.