Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one, get your teeth into this, WWYD?

159 replies

howaboutthisonethen · 15/01/2017 17:42

I've NC as this is potentially identifying though no-one knows we're getting married yet but I know how everyone loves a wedding one.

DP and I would like like to get married in September. His parents live a fair distance away, since we've been together the first time he visited them it would have been too soon for me to meet them. The second time they came here I was on holiday, so at new year I finally got to meet them.
DP had warned that his Mum could be hard work and frankly, he wasn't kidding. Still, I smiled through my gritted teeth throughout our weekend visit.

DP and I have been married before so we had the big wedding(s) back then.

Our local registry office has a very small room that can hold: us, our parents, our children and that's it.

There is one space left over and DP has a single, middle-aged brother who lives with their parents. I liked this brother when I met him but if his brother is invited to fill the one space then that leaves both of my siblings out. Both of my siblings have families of their own, though I think I could swing them coming to the ceremonies without their spouses, it wouldn't be fair to invite DP's brother to the ceremony without inviting my own siblings.

I say 'if there isn't space for all siblings then we invite none'.
DP agrees with this but says that if we don't invite his DB then his Mum will be very vocally unhappy about this, even if she knows the circumstances and MiL, FiL and BiL probably won't come to our wedding at all.

AWBU not to invite DBiL?

OP posts:
Original poster
howaboutthisonethen · 15/01/2017 19:59

None of us live abroad. In fact, everyone concerned lives in England.

I wrote this upthread but one of my siblings also lives a substantial distance from us as it hapens, they live further away than MiL, FiL and BiL.

Again, I wrote this upthread but we have looked into this and a larger venue will cost us more, a lot more than the registry office.

OP posts:
Original poster
howaboutthisonethen · 15/01/2017 20:02

I don't know where anyone got the idea that anyone lives abroad?

OP posts:
CotswoldStrife · 15/01/2017 20:06

Most registry offices have more than one room though. And they are not too far apart really so you could look for another one if you wanted your family there.

I think the 'fair distance' has made some people think it may be overseas Grin

SparklyBusinessFuckingFairyNo1 · 15/01/2017 20:06

Cotswold no not my wedding, a close relative, all siblings of the bride and groom were invited

IfyousaysoKT123 · 15/01/2017 20:06

When I got married we chose the small room, holding 2 registrars &4 of us - me, him & 2 children. There was a bigger room, which would have held 80, but the cost jumped from £45 to £120. As we were to be together with family afterwards, I chose to spend the money on the meal rather than having them able to watch us sign a piece of paper.

bumsexatthebingo · 15/01/2017 20:08

Well if you can't be bothered to save up enough even to invite immediate family don't be surprised if they're not too happy about it. There's nothing else to say really. Your siblings may be happy with a considerable travel for a snub and a meal but many people wouldn't. You are expecting your siblings to travel to celebrate with you, buy gifts and outfits etc but you won't pay the extra for a bigger room so they can see you marry?

user1475439961 · 15/01/2017 20:11

Go somewhere that can seat all of your siblings. It's really not a big deal.

MrsMcMoo · 15/01/2017 20:12

Oh get married somewhere else, you don't want the grief this'll cause.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/01/2017 20:13

Trust your DP. He clearly knows how to handle his DM.

If you've never encountered someone like her before it can be hard to accept.

Try to resist the urge to "fix" the mother son relationship. Try to resist your inner disbelief that a parent-child relationship can be truly bad. Put away the "but it's faaaammmmiiiily"

Your DP knows how to handle his mother. Follow his advice.

3luckystars · 15/01/2017 20:15

The place isn't suitable because it can't fit everyone, if you can't afford somewhere bigger then save up. You can't leave people out.

LandLock · 15/01/2017 20:28

PollyTheDolly
Elope!!
We are Grin
Just us and the dog as best man

I'd love to hear what the cat thinks about that. I can just imagine Hmm the thread on CatsNet. Grin

Original poster
howaboutthisonethen · 15/01/2017 20:37

We're not expecting anyone to give us gifts, we will specifically ask them not to. After all it's a 2nd wedding for both of us.
We will invite my siblings and DP's sibling to our wedding reception but as is always said on here it's an invite not a summons no-one has to accept, no-one has to turn up, no-one has to travel and, emphatically, no-one has to buy us a gift.

We aren't going to upgrade to a larger wedding venue because we are saving for a house and every £ we can save counts so we want to bring the whole thing in under £500 for everything. We need a home big enough for all of our children to have their own space. It's early days so we haven't discussed this with family yet but my family would certainly understand the cheap wedding/saving for house dilemma.

OP posts:
FriedSprout · 15/01/2017 20:44

But you don't have to get a bigger venue, you just need a different (bigger) registry office.
There are at least four different registry offices within 20 miles of me, have you checked for other registry offices?

FatOldBag · 15/01/2017 20:45

I'd keep searching for other venue options. Is the town hall one or two towns over a bit bigger? Save on the reception - have it at your house as it's only family, or just go to a restaurant.

Trainspotting1984 · 15/01/2017 20:46

£500? You need just the 2 of you and some witnesses off the street. Don't try and make it into something it can't be. How can you even feed 8 people in a restaurant for £300?

Chippednailvarnishing · 15/01/2017 20:48

You can't leave people out

You can. It's your wedding, so it's completely up to you. It's not for other people to dictate to you.

bumsexatthebingo · 15/01/2017 20:51

If money's an issue I'd sooner be invited to my siblings wedding then do a bring a dish get together after rather than go for a nice meal but miss the wedding. The wedding is the only special thing about the day You can have a meal any time.

SparklyBusinessFuckingFairyNo1 · 15/01/2017 20:56

Surely your wedding day is a day for you and your husband to be? Why do other family members believe they have a god given right to be there/choose food/choose dates? It's meant to be a celebration of love, why do some people just love the drama?

OP do what makes you and your partner happy. Screw everyone else

MeadowHay · 15/01/2017 21:15

If DBIL would have to travel a long way to get there, and your siblings wouldn't, then I would invite him on that basis seeing as you have the extra space and explain it that way. If that's not the case though then yes, all siblings or none - so here it would be none.

TheDowagerDuchessofDenver · 15/01/2017 21:19

If MiL and FiL don't come, that gives you three seats, and you can invite all your siblings (without partners).

Just saying ...

Oswin · 15/01/2017 21:28

Trainspotting because it's probably not an expensive restaurant. At some quite nice restaurants near me you can do three courses for 25-30 pound.

TheDowagerDuchessofDenver · 15/01/2017 21:32

Another option is to have the 'official' marriage just the two of you with your kids as witnesses. Then you can have an 'unofficial' service wherever you like as part of your party. You can ask a friend to compere, have readings or whatever you want, invite everyone. Have it in your back garden. Have it in the park. Hire a room at a hotel. Have it in a private room at the restaurant you're having the reception in. You can even pretend it's the real marriage and not tell anyone else about the official one. Lots cheaper than hiring an official wedding venue, and means all your parents, siblings and families can come too.

Aspiringcatlady · 15/01/2017 21:37

If you don't invite your siblings then you cant invite his.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/01/2017 21:39

Your DF said

If she wants to throw her toys out of the pram and stop all of them from coming to see her son get married then sod her. She's dictated to everyone far too often

I don't understand why you are giving it another thought.

Your DF has a backbone that many MNers DH's are totally lacking. Appreciate that.

Ethylred · 15/01/2017 21:44

Invite nobody beyond the minimum required as witnesses. Then everybody goes to the pub/Ritz afterwards.

Swipe left for the next trending thread