Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one, get your teeth into this, WWYD?

159 replies

howaboutthisonethen · 15/01/2017 17:42

I've NC as this is potentially identifying though no-one knows we're getting married yet but I know how everyone loves a wedding one.

DP and I would like like to get married in September. His parents live a fair distance away, since we've been together the first time he visited them it would have been too soon for me to meet them. The second time they came here I was on holiday, so at new year I finally got to meet them.
DP had warned that his Mum could be hard work and frankly, he wasn't kidding. Still, I smiled through my gritted teeth throughout our weekend visit.

DP and I have been married before so we had the big wedding(s) back then.

Our local registry office has a very small room that can hold: us, our parents, our children and that's it.

There is one space left over and DP has a single, middle-aged brother who lives with their parents. I liked this brother when I met him but if his brother is invited to fill the one space then that leaves both of my siblings out. Both of my siblings have families of their own, though I think I could swing them coming to the ceremonies without their spouses, it wouldn't be fair to invite DP's brother to the ceremony without inviting my own siblings.

I say 'if there isn't space for all siblings then we invite none'.
DP agrees with this but says that if we don't invite his DB then his Mum will be very vocally unhappy about this, even if she knows the circumstances and MiL, FiL and BiL probably won't come to our wedding at all.

AWBU not to invite DBiL?

OP posts:
therootoftheroot · 15/01/2017 19:17

why can't you get married in a bigger room?

i know it's 'what you want' but as someone who was excluded from watching a close relative who I had held on the day he was born, changed his nappies, babysat him, taken him on holiday etc ...marry .because his wife 'didn't want a fuss....i would say let your very close family come.
it's heartbreaking to be excluded.

MycatsaPirate · 15/01/2017 19:18

Solution is that you have everyone you want except siblings.

Then get one member of the wedding party to stream the wedding live on facebook or video chat it to the siblings who can all be together to watch (so your sibs and families plus BIL).

Then you can all go out for a meal.

squeak10 · 15/01/2017 19:21

Do as THirdeye said "go abroad, marry on a beach, have a huge party when you home, they will forgive you especially if you show a film of your ceremony x

DesolateWaist · 15/01/2017 19:25

We couldn't be arsed to play all these silly family games so we ran away.
My mum and dad, his mum and dad. That was it.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 15/01/2017 19:26

if you are having the meal after and inviting siblings there then that's you sorted

We are getting married at x
wedding party will be me, himself, children and parents only
Post wedding meal will be above plus siblings

I really do not see the issue as you have stated that siblings are invited to the meal

bumsexatthebingo · 15/01/2017 19:27

WWYD? Erm get married somewhere where I could at least fit my immediate family in the room. I get that you don't want a massive, lavish, do but parents and siblings wouldn't cost the earth surely?
I'd be interested to know where this register office is that holds 8 people! Are you sure 100% that is the maximum capacity? Sounds like a cupboard!

bumsexatthebingo · 15/01/2017 19:29

Just re-read and saw that there are children but still that has to be the smallest register office in the country!

FurryLittleTwerp · 15/01/2017 19:30

train they're invited to the party afterwards, so not left out or made to feel shit. Still included.

Ragwort · 15/01/2017 19:33

Have you or your DH spoken directly to DBIL - does he even want to be at the RO? Can you have a frank discussion with him, hopefully he won't be bothered at all about being at the actual ceremony.

therootoftheroot · 15/01/2017 19:34

it does feel shit-even if you are invited to the party afterwards. the party is not the important part-the marriage is the important part.

if those people are going to be invited to the meal then why not invite them to the ceremony?

EweAreHere · 15/01/2017 19:34

YANBU.

Your plan sounds reasonable. It's your wedding.

People who don't like it don't have to come or celebrate with you afterwards.

Congratulations on your impending marriage.

PollytheDolly · 15/01/2017 19:38

Elope!!

We are Grin

Just us and the dog as best man.

Squiff85 · 15/01/2017 19:39

Treat both sides the same

bumsexatthebingo · 15/01/2017 19:39

Can't stand all the 'it's your day hun' nonsense. A sibling of mine would have to do something spectacularly awful not to be invited to my wedding. I wouldn't just tell them I've chosen to book a ridiculously small venue that doesn't fit them!

cheekyfunkymonkey · 15/01/2017 19:40

Congratulations! Does dbil live abroad too? If yes and he is making the journey I would probably let him in as long as your siblings aren't precious types. A small concession to keep the peace and set the tone for a peaceful relationship with in-laws. If it is likely to cause bad feeling with your siblings though then stand your ground but maybe ask your siblings to take him under their wing and for a brunch / pint or something while the wedding is going on.

HelenaGWells · 15/01/2017 19:41

I have seen registry offices with rooms this size, it's very common for people who don't want a fuss. Often the bigger rooms are much harder to book and can cost a lot more. That difference goes a long way to paying for peoples meals. One room in our local registry office holds I think 8 guests plus bride and groom. Four parents and three kids would pretty much fill it.

I agree you have to say no siblings or else it isn't fair. Parents and kids only to ceremony, as suggested above maybe get a parent to livestream it on a phone and job done. Meal afterwards is extended to siblings as well.

If your DH is in agreement with this you really have no issue. It seems like his mother is awkward but he's very much prepared to stand up to her. THAT is what you need. MN is full of people whose partners won't stand up to a manipulative parent. Let him handle it. All or none is the fairest way.

Trills · 15/01/2017 19:42

Your DP thinks that his mum will refuse to come to his wedding if the wedding parents-and-children-only?

Nah.

She'll make a fuss but I highly doubt she'd refuse to come.

And he's suggesting appeasing her before she has even made any demands?

Ugh. He needs to grow a backbone now.

Crispbutty · 15/01/2017 19:44

There has to be a bigger room in the registry office. Or find a hotel that has a marriage licence. I would rather my wedding be a celebration with ALL my family and less extravagance than having a flash do that only a select few are honoured enough to get an invite to..

bumsexatthebingo · 15/01/2017 19:48

Agreed crisp. Not the best footing to start the marriage off on if family relations are already strained. People do't even know about the wedding yet. I surely wouldn't delay things that much to save up for 3 extra guests.

Trainspotting1984 · 15/01/2017 19:48

Blimey even worse to invite them to a meal afterwards and leave them out of the ceremony Confused but some people are selfish fuckers when they get married so I'm not surprised some people have that view

SparklyBusinessFuckingFairyNo1 · 15/01/2017 19:49

Recently had a similar-ish situation.

My brother who moved in with my mum when he separated from his wife, wasn't invited to a family wedding, as neither were my sisters. Mum gets in a strop, says its unfair and decided she would rather he come than her partner (who was invited). She was told in no uncertain terms that wasn't happening as it would then be unfair on the other sisters. Result - Mum didn't come to the wedding either and now she nor my brother have not spoken to me since the wedding.

In a way I'm relieved I found out now just how little regard they held for me and my family, but be prepared OP for the blackmail to begin and decide together with your partner where you both stand and how far you are prepared to go.

bumsexatthebingo · 15/01/2017 19:50

OP hasn't answered whether the bil lives abroad yet. I wouldn't be overly impressed with being expected to pay flights and accommodation to go to a post wedding meal when I didn't get an invitation to the wedding!

CotswoldStrife · 15/01/2017 19:50

That's not the only room in the registry office though, is it? Why don't you get a bigger one that will allow more family? To ask people to travel 'a fair distance' for a meal is very odd IMO especially as you don't want them at the ceremony!

RandomMess · 15/01/2017 19:53

Look at different registry offices they may have slightly bigger rooms at a cheap price. Our local one only did a room for 6 in the wedding party for free so we couldn't use it as have 4 DC!!!

Get married somewhere near your family and have a weekend away and use a registry office there.

CotswoldStrife · 15/01/2017 19:57

Spar kly you didn't invite your siblings to your wedding? That looks like showing little regard for them, yet you think it's the other way around?

I'm assuming that the prospective in-laws don't live abroad, you would never expect someone to fly over for a meal surely?!