Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one, get your teeth into this, WWYD?

159 replies

howaboutthisonethen · 15/01/2017 17:42

I've NC as this is potentially identifying though no-one knows we're getting married yet but I know how everyone loves a wedding one.

DP and I would like like to get married in September. His parents live a fair distance away, since we've been together the first time he visited them it would have been too soon for me to meet them. The second time they came here I was on holiday, so at new year I finally got to meet them.
DP had warned that his Mum could be hard work and frankly, he wasn't kidding. Still, I smiled through my gritted teeth throughout our weekend visit.

DP and I have been married before so we had the big wedding(s) back then.

Our local registry office has a very small room that can hold: us, our parents, our children and that's it.

There is one space left over and DP has a single, middle-aged brother who lives with their parents. I liked this brother when I met him but if his brother is invited to fill the one space then that leaves both of my siblings out. Both of my siblings have families of their own, though I think I could swing them coming to the ceremonies without their spouses, it wouldn't be fair to invite DP's brother to the ceremony without inviting my own siblings.

I say 'if there isn't space for all siblings then we invite none'.
DP agrees with this but says that if we don't invite his DB then his Mum will be very vocally unhappy about this, even if she knows the circumstances and MiL, FiL and BiL probably won't come to our wedding at all.

AWBU not to invite DBiL?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/01/2017 18:29

Is it absolutely forbidden for a couple of people to stand?

They did at my wedding.

RandomMess · 15/01/2017 18:31

After what your DP has said I would be hoping MIL to be throws a tantrum, refuses to come and then you can invite your siblings instead Wink

Discuss that possibility with your DP. As obviously if she throws a hissy fit and you then invite your siblings you can't take back their invite so DP needs to be very clear just how far he is going to take it.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 15/01/2017 18:31

BurningBridges has the answer OP, good shout !

greeeen · 15/01/2017 18:32

I would stick to no siblings and get DH to be firm with MIL. Start as you mean to go on.

EllaHen · 15/01/2017 18:38

Fair enough howabout. How about you don't invite anyone? That way, you are treating everyone the same and actually won't have to have such a person at your wedding service.

Chewbecca · 15/01/2017 18:45

Are there no other, larger room in the registry office?

Mrsmadevans · 15/01/2017 18:48

Come one come all ,change the venue & invite who you like congratulations op best wishes

SymphonyofShadows · 15/01/2017 18:48

Another vote for just yourselves and DC, then everyone can meet for the meal

LemonyFresh · 15/01/2017 18:48

Go abroad just you two and find a witness on the street

Trainspotting1984 · 15/01/2017 18:50

I think you need to get married elsewhere. It's awfully cruel to leave out siblings like that. It's your choice to get married somewhere so small and you can change it

extrabiotin · 15/01/2017 18:55

OP you need to think about this for yourselves, not for us internet warriors even though we mean well most of the time.

Go away and do the deed on your own. Back and have a bit of a party for everyone. Why not? Second time around too so a little less pressure I would have thought on the Wedding Trauma front.

And many congratulations. I hope it all works out for you.

PerspicaciaTick · 15/01/2017 18:59

I'd shop around for other registry offices in the county (or just over the border as you can marry in any registry office in England and Wales), one of which might give you the extra bit of space.

extrabiotin · 15/01/2017 18:59

@LemonyFresh,

Agree. But No need to go abroad for this either.

But I get the feeling that OP wants bells and whistles even though TRAUMA is the buzzword here.

Yikes.

We love wedding traumas don't we. And yet when we give advice no one listens. They know more than we do about the various dynamics of course, and that is natural.

Original poster
howaboutthisonethen · 15/01/2017 19:04

ConfusedEllen we would both like to invite our DCs and we know that our DCs would want to be invited.
My parents would like to be there too but if we went off and did it on our own they would understand and be fine about it.

I started this thread because: DP is certain his DB shouldn't be invited as that isn't fair. If that means his DM doesn't come then DP thinks that is his DM's decision.

OTOH I am not used to families being like this which is why I canvassed opinion on AWBU?

When I started this thread I intentionally didn't write about MiL's behaviour when I met her & stayed there as I didn't want this to be an 'I can't stand my MiL' thread. In fact, MiL was difficult to be around but I'm hopeful that was a blip, even though DP assures that's just how she is.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 15/01/2017 19:06

If you follow the white-lie routine you need to discuss with the powers-that-be at the Registrar's office whether they can quietly remove one chair from the room so that your new MIL can't see at once that she was being fibbed to. They'll probably see it as a great joke and play ball.

clarrylove · 15/01/2017 19:06

Presumably BIL would be travelling down with your PIL anyway so he could attend the meal. So what is he supposed to do? Wait outside whilst the wedding takes place? That's quite mean. It's different for your siblings as they will be travelling down with their families and can schedule their arrival to fit in with the reception later in the day.

FurryLittleTwerp · 15/01/2017 19:08

Why is it cruel to leave siblings out train ? These are adults we're talking about, it's not one of those threads about inviting five out of six cousins to be flower girls & not wanting a page boy!

NotTheDroidYoureLookingFor · 15/01/2017 19:08

It's all or none in my book, unless there's some extenuating circumstances (which there does not appear to be). It's your wedding, not your FMIL's. You set the ground rules and she does not get to manipulate you into changing them!

happypoobum · 15/01/2017 19:10

I don't know why you don't just do what PP have advised and tell MIL there is one less place than there is?

LandLock · 15/01/2017 19:10

You know your siblings best so if you think they would be upset then you can't invite your BIL. However, if they would be ok then I'd invite the single BIL - as I imagine it would be practical for him to come with his parents and it seems silly to not invite him just to be fair. If he is travelling with his parents then I can't see how it would work to make him stand outside while you get ,arriend with an empty seat in the room. I presume your siblings and their partners would travel down later to meet up with you for the reception.
It might be that the BIL doesn't care about watching the vows though and would be happy to do something else in the meantime.

Trainspotting1984 · 15/01/2017 19:11

Because it will make them feel shit furry. Unwanted and unimportant.

Cherrysoup · 15/01/2017 19:12

Approach all sibs directly and say that there's no room. Of course your DC should be there. Ignore mil' moods etc. If she doesn't come, good, frankly. Meet all sibs afterwards for a big meal.

Original poster
howaboutthisonethen · 15/01/2017 19:12

extrabio I don't want bells and whistles, just me, DP and our kids. Anyone else is a bonus.

BiL has friends locally and family who will be coming to our meal afterwards, or he'd be welcome to spend time with my family.

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 15/01/2017 19:13

If Bil is travelling down with mil, who would he wait with until the meal afterwards? If he would be on his own then I think you can justify inviting him and not your siblings as they have their own families to wait with.

dowhatnow · 15/01/2017 19:14

xpost

Just do parents them