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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one, get your teeth into this, WWYD?

159 replies

howaboutthisonethen · 15/01/2017 17:42

I've NC as this is potentially identifying though no-one knows we're getting married yet but I know how everyone loves a wedding one.

DP and I would like like to get married in September. His parents live a fair distance away, since we've been together the first time he visited them it would have been too soon for me to meet them. The second time they came here I was on holiday, so at new year I finally got to meet them.
DP had warned that his Mum could be hard work and frankly, he wasn't kidding. Still, I smiled through my gritted teeth throughout our weekend visit.

DP and I have been married before so we had the big wedding(s) back then.

Our local registry office has a very small room that can hold: us, our parents, our children and that's it.

There is one space left over and DP has a single, middle-aged brother who lives with their parents. I liked this brother when I met him but if his brother is invited to fill the one space then that leaves both of my siblings out. Both of my siblings have families of their own, though I think I could swing them coming to the ceremonies without their spouses, it wouldn't be fair to invite DP's brother to the ceremony without inviting my own siblings.

I say 'if there isn't space for all siblings then we invite none'.
DP agrees with this but says that if we don't invite his DB then his Mum will be very vocally unhappy about this, even if she knows the circumstances and MiL, FiL and BiL probably won't come to our wedding at all.

AWBU not to invite DBiL?

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 15/01/2017 18:08

So it's one extra person to have all siblings there? Could you not squeeze them in? It sounds like you are trying to engineer a situation where they don't come.

Grilledaubergines · 15/01/2017 18:08

So basically, your DP wants to hand over control of the guest-list to his mother, on account of she's a gobby pushy PITA?

I'm not sure that's what the OP said though, is it? Let's not go down the route of it obviously being the DP's fault and following up with crap such as 'is he always like this'. It's not what it's about.

OP, I think you and your partner need to hold firm in your agreement of all or none. I think it would be more understandable from siblings' viewpoint. It probably won't be from your MIL but she's coming at it from a different angle and looking out for her other son, rather than the bigger picture.

extrabiotin · 15/01/2017 18:09

Elope. Quick.

No way will this end well no matter what you try to do.

Why are weddings such shyte inducing traumas. I dunno.

maddiemookins16mum · 15/01/2017 18:09

If I was close to my siblings, I'd invite them too. I appreciate sometimes it means "upgrading" to the next biggest room at the registry office but I also think it might be nicer for you too (which is also important). If BIL didn't live with PIL and had a partner/kids, would he still be invited? (don't let his circumstances cloud the issue). Or, if you can't "upgrade", can you invite one of your closest friends to "even it out".

BigBadgers · 15/01/2017 18:12

If you are doing this you have to stay with what you have agreed or as you say it will not be seen as fair by the siblings and family.

When dh and I got married the whole parents issues got so complicated (his are divorced and not on speaking terms) we just decided not to invite anyone except witnesses. It was lovely and uncomplicated and I would absolutely recommend it.

lalalalyra · 15/01/2017 18:12

Does your DP want his brother there? Does he want to avoid the fall out so that he can have his parents there?

If so, choose another room/venue and invite all siblings. You can't invite his brother and not your siblings. If your DP, understandably, wants his parents and brother at the wedding then you need to find somewhere which holds the guests you want to invite.

If it means that your DP risks not having his parents at the wedding then I think it's got to be his call - he'll be the one that has to live with the disappointment and regret.

Goosewings · 15/01/2017 18:13

Hmmmm. I would run it past your siblings and see why they say. Why cause drama if nobody is going to be offended if you invite him anyway?
If your siblings object then it's a different story.

Original poster
howaboutthisonethen · 15/01/2017 18:13

One of my siblings will be travelling a long distance too so DBiL is not alone in this Nyan and yes we will be having a meal for everyone, including siblings later that day.

EllaHen it was DP who said his Mum would be hard work, I was polite in my OP and more than hard work MiL was vicious and spiteful, including to DP, BiL and FiL none of whom had done anything wrong. DB says this is perfectly normal behaviour.

Dew no, BiL doesn't have any SN, far from it.

Bonniewee this is a registry office, just for the ceremony. We've already looked and any other venue locally will cost at least 8x as much and then it really starts to get complicated as not many venues cater for small parties of less than 50. So we'd end up having a party in a empty room or inviting and feeding many acquaintances rather than just inviting people who are dear to us. We'd like to get married, have a nice day and a brilliant rest of our lives together, we don't want a big fuss.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 15/01/2017 18:13

Whatever you decide though you must decide it together before telling anyone. You can't let anyone else's reaction change your plans otherwise they'll think feet stamping and blackmail works.

Seeingadistance · 15/01/2017 18:14

Get the Registrar to hide the extra seat in a cupboard or another office.

Somerville · 15/01/2017 18:15

I think you should either have no parents and just your kids, or find a slightly bigger venue and invite siblings too.

GreenShadow · 15/01/2017 18:17

Normally I'd be in favour of complete fairness on all sides, but tbh, in this case, I'd think about inviting BiL as circumstances on both sides aren't even.

Would your siblingd understand?

MomOfTwins2 · 15/01/2017 18:17

My late husband and I got around all this drama in an easy way lol. We went to the registry office (this was in South Africa) and got married in front of a justice of the peace with a clerk as witness. We then bought a couple of bottles of bubbly, visited my folks and his folks and told them we were married! They were happy for us, and my dad was actually quite impressed (the only thing in my life I think he ever approved of), that we had saved so much money doing it this way. All it cost us was our wedding bands.

I'm not saying this is for everyone, and years later we did have a quiet ceremony in a small church with only family, but it was such a stress free way to do things.

CeeCeeEnnEss · 15/01/2017 18:17

Don't give in. If you give in now you'll give in forever.

4yoniD · 15/01/2017 18:19

I'd go to Vegas. With none of them.

Original poster
howaboutthisonethen · 15/01/2017 18:20

I know my siblings would want to be there and would be upset if they weren't invited.

DP and I agree on this, in fact, he feels more vehemently than I do that we should stick to our guns. To quote DP 'if she his Mum wants to throw her toys out of the pram and stop all of them from coming to see her son get married then sod her. She's dictated to everyone far too often'.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 15/01/2017 18:20

Is there someone's house fairly close?

My friend had this situation and Skype'd the Wedfing, so no-one felt left out.

If you've got one Sibling travelling as well, it would be nice for you and your DP to have a plan around were they will be etc.

Our your family the type to welcome BIL.

Or does DP want his brother there as a sort-of best man.

Birdsgottafly · 15/01/2017 18:20

X post.

Chippednailvarnishing · 15/01/2017 18:21

We did this.

Competitive Bil was getting married and then I found out I was pregnant.
We invited our parents only, to a very small ceremony a few months before his wedding. DH rang to tell Bil that we were getting married, before he even got the chance to explain it was a small wedding, Bil told him that he was very, very busy around that time. DH was pleased to tell him he wasn't invited.
Mil sulked, my sister apparently sulked (even though we hadn't spoken in years) and I was a very happy bride Grin.

flumpybear · 15/01/2017 18:21

No way!!! I wouldn't invite siblings from one side but not the other ..... start as you mean to go on and don't let MIL call the shots

BarbarianMum · 15/01/2017 18:25

It's not giving in if the decide before MiL complains - anticipatory defusing maybe. Is BiL likely to travel down with his parents? If so, it does seem a bit ribbish to leave him in a strange town by himself. That's not a position your sibling will be in.
Personally I'd invite him just to avoid possible flack. I wouldn't worry about setting a president as your in-laws live so far away and your dp visits so rarely.

Ragwort · 15/01/2017 18:26

Don't invite parents at all, just invite your own children and then invite everyone else for the meal afterwards.

Or elope.

EineKleine · 15/01/2017 18:26

Do you have the same number of parents and children?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 15/01/2017 18:28

I was going to look for some mediation or way of sorting this so the wider family were all happy, but when you posted
more than hard work MiL was vicious and spiteful, including to DP, BiL and FiL none of whom had done anything wrong. DB says this is perfectly normal behaviour I completely changed my mind. Invite parents only and if MIL decides on a boycott that's her decision and if FIL goes along with it, that's his. Letting her set the rules is what's given her this 'power' Start as you mean to go on or you and your marriage will also become hostage to her behaviour.

Congratulations by the way Flowers

Bohemond · 15/01/2017 18:28

I'd just take your kids and two witnesses to the RO! Then everyone can join you for lunch.

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