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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He doesn't believe in marriage

154 replies

sugarplumnight · 23/12/2016 22:12

I've been dating a lovely man for a few months. He's wonderful, we get on really well, and it's getting to the stage where we are getting serious.

However he has told me last week that he doesn't want to get married, ever. He never has been, and he's 35 (I'm 25) At first this didn't bother me, but as I've thought about it more seriously I think I would like to marry someone eventually, and I think I would be disappointed to have to rule it out indefinitely.

So the question is AIBU to be re-thinking the whole (nearly) relationship? I really like him, I just don't know if this is going to be an issue. I'm not dead-set on marriage, and he might change his mind, but

OP posts:

ollieplimsoles · 23/12/2016 22:15

How does he feel about children? If you both want those, id insist on marriage.

Creatureofthenight · 23/12/2016 22:15

Only you can say whether or not marriage is a deal breaker for you.
If it is very important to you, I'd not be banking on him changing his mind.

CalorieCreditEqualsCake · 23/12/2016 22:15

If it was important to me then at that age (his, 35) then I'd think it's more than likely he'd not change his mind so I would move on but I'd be honest why.

For me personally, marriage never bothered me but children did. Not wanting children would be the thing that made move on.

TaggieRR · 23/12/2016 22:16

I wouldn't expect him to change his mind, so if marriage is important to you I think you need to move on.

Original poster

sugarplumnight · 23/12/2016 22:17

He hasn't ruled out children, this is the difficulty, I don't know if I'm that bothered by marriage but I suppose just worried I will regret it.

OP posts:

DJBaggySmalls · 23/12/2016 22:19

End it now before it gets too hard, because he wants to be single.

Scarydinosaurs · 23/12/2016 22:21

For what reasons does he not believe in it?

Original poster

sugarplumnight · 23/12/2016 22:22

he has said that he doesn't see the point (I don't think money wise)

his siblings are not married and have long term partners and children.

OP posts:

KickAssAngel · 23/12/2016 22:22

Do not get pregnant! He's telling you that he wants to be able to walk away. Don't think he'll stay if there are children.

And don't move in unless you are able to keep your own financial security and independence. He likes you, just not enough to actually share the important stuff.

PlymouthMaid1 · 23/12/2016 22:23

He doesn't necessarily want to be single but may very well have strong opinions against marriage. I have never wanted to be married and luckily!y neitber does my partner of nine years nor my previous partner of over sixteen years. If it is important to you you must end it. Also bear in mind that you are much more vulnerable unmarried once you have children.

crunched · 23/12/2016 22:24

What is or isn't a deal-breaker is a personal decision. My only advice is not to be sure that you can change his mind in time: you probably can't.

Do you know if he has a particular reason for his anti-marriage stance?

LindyHemming · 23/12/2016 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeachBellini123 · 23/12/2016 22:24

A friend of mine is going through this. She's been with her DP for a number of years. She thought he'd change his mind regarding marriage but never has.

I think if it's important to you, you need to move on. At least he's been honest with you and he has every right not to want to get married.

I work for a charity that helps women in poverty and I also tell women to be aware of how little legal rights you have if you don't marry your partner - even if you have children together. I think lots of women are naive about that.

Oysterbabe · 23/12/2016 22:24

Hasn't ruled out children? Is that good enough for you?
From the little info we have I suspect manchild commitmentphobe, there's a lot of it about.

Jaimx86 · 23/12/2016 22:25

I've never believed in marriage and don't see the point outside of legal reasons. After 9 years, I've relented and we are getting married...thankfully DP is happy to elope. Would he ever elope?

Ellisandra · 23/12/2016 22:25

"hasn't ruled out children"?

At 30 I dated a 38 year old. I knew that I wanted children - but it was far too early to say that I wanted them with him. I explained that, and said that I was only looking to date someone who felt the same. He did. Went on to marry and have a child (and divorce...)

If you want children, I strongly suggest that by the age of 35 your boyfriend should also want them. Different if you date another 25 year old.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 23/12/2016 22:25

I don't want to be single, but I don't believe in marriage. I'm going through the most painful divorce, and stand to lose a lot that I've worked hard for.

I'll never do that again, and my new partner is very clear on that.

Perhaps his parents had a bad divorce, or a close friend or family member op?

I would always explain the reasons why though, and I think you deserve that courtesy.

Original poster

sugarplumnight · 23/12/2016 22:27

To be honest I think he's against marriage because he's seen being unmarried work for his family/friends

I don't think it is a dealbreaker for me, and I wouldn't expect him to change his mind, as I'm not sure I care that much.

OP posts:

TrustySnail · 23/12/2016 22:28

Have you talked to him about why he doesn't believe in marriage? If he has sound, well thought out reasons for this, and marriage isn't an absolute must for you, I don't think it should be a deal-breaker.

If there's no real reason, I'd be wary as it could signal a lack of commitment to the relationship.

If marriage is really important to you, I wouldn't advise continuing in the hope that he might change his mind - you could just end up wasting years in which you could have been meeting someone who wants the same things as you.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 23/12/2016 22:28

Don't go thinking you can change him or three will make an exception for you. He has told you for a reason. Maybe he has been burnt before. If it is a deal breaker for you then don't waste your time. If you are not bothered then it doesn'tran he won't commit, just that he won't ever marry you.

meditrina · 23/12/2016 22:29

You need to read up now on the legal differences between marriage and cohabitation, and decide (with your head, not your heart) what sort of deal you are OK with.

Do not underestimate how vulnerable a position you would be in if you reduce your earnings/prospects and become partially or totally dependent on someone who has no legal obligation to support you.

So, keep up your career and if you cohabit do not fund his mortgage at the expense of your own property assets (fine if your joint expenses are lower than yours would be as a singleton and you can put the rest into savings, not fine if more expensive that your costs living alone).

Thundercake · 23/12/2016 22:32

And it's also important to separate marriage from a wedding in your mind. What is it about marriage that may be important to you. I never had any desire at all to get married, thought it was pointless. I still do but had to get married (registry office, 5 minutes, no guests) because DH got a job in a country that absolutely required us to be husband and wife. I'm sure people who've had big weddings pity me but I genuinely don't believe in it.

kali110 · 23/12/2016 22:32

He wants to be single or is a commitment phobe because he doesn't want to get married
Not everybody believes in marriage, it doesn't mean they don't want to be in relationships ( or have children).
Marriage is not important to everyone.

Original poster

sugarplumnight · 23/12/2016 22:32

Thanks for the helpful replies, naively I hadn't considered how being married would affect me financially

I'm not worried about the children issue as right now I don't feel the need to have them.

I'm going to have an honest chat with him, I can't really lose anything. Hopefully its good reason and not lack of commitment (which he hasn't showed signs of up until now)

OP posts:

kali110 · 23/12/2016 22:33

But if it is too you, then you need to decide if it's more important to you.
If it is then get out now, don't wait around hoping he'll change his mind as he may never.

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