He doesn't believe in marriage

[sugarplumnight]

I've been dating a lovely man for a few months. He's wonderful, we get on really well, and it's getting to the stage where we are getting serious.

However he has told me last week that he doesn't want to get married, ever. He never has been, and he's 35 (I'm 25) At first this didn't bother me, but as I've thought about it more seriously I think I would like to marry someone eventually, and I think I would be disappointed to have to rule it out indefinitely.

So the question is AIBU to be re-thinking the whole (nearly) relationship? I really like him, I just don't know if this is going to be an issue. I'm not dead-set on marriage, and he might change his mind, but

I wouldn't carry on at this at this stage. If you're certain marriage is what you what, I'd assume that him changing his mind is as likely as you changing yours. It wouldn't be fair for either of you.

Sorry yes have seen someone said a 25 year old earning more than a 35 year old is likely to always remain the higher earner.

Which is a good point. In which case people are right OP don't get married. Unless you have kids and he becomes a SAHD. Then you should for his protection.

Same here bananabread, in fact I'd go so far as to say that people who want de facto relationships to have the same status as marriage are fucking over other people because they're too lazy/special to go to a registry office for a few minutes. The reason I think this is that when cohabitation is treated as equivalent to marriage, that effectively means people who want to live together but not have all the legal and financial ramifications of marriage are left with nowhere to go. Their relationships get treated as marriage whether they want them to or not.

People who want the same rights and duties as marriage without entering into the institution itself, which is a reasonable desire, should be campaigning for straight CP. Not taking other people's choices away from them.

For women there's little benefit to marriage if you are very rich or very poor.

If you are a lower earner/pt worker/sahm financially dependent on dp you needy marriage.

However even marriage doesn't give you the protection of your own independent income.

Don't life life being dependent on others.

Many a man has insisted marriage is not for them. Until they meet the woman they don't want to lose.

I'd take this that he doesn't want to marry YOU.
Don't make excuses for him re his siblings' example.
Dump him.

Why do you need to be married. My partner and I are together 21 years, never married. Why are people saying he's not committed?

I've known women who stayed with the man who never wanted to get married.

Saw their resentment at weddings when couples who had been together for shorter periods of time tied the knot.

They constantly questioned their relationships, hid their true feelings until one magical day, the men decided they did want to marry after all, only it was to another woman.

At 25 you have ample time to find someone you will connect with just as well and who will share the same values as you do.

Op your instinct says you want to be married. Even if he didn't believe in it, he'd do it for you. He's got all the power esp with being older. What huge compromise is he willing to make in exchange for you agreeing never to marry?
My fiance refused to set a date. So I dumped him. He was dating someone else within weeks.

I'm not into getting married either but I do have three lovely kids with my partner of 10 years! Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker. My other half would like to get married but I've never been interested. We have a lovely life together and I don't consider myself to be in a vulnerable position - I've done a lot of careful financial planning etc to ensure that if we ever broke up, I'd be fine! It is possible

Marriage is outdated. Lots of women just want the princess for a day rubbish. No idea what the point of it is and it costs loads of money too, for what ? To prove your love?

I think it's often insecurity that makes people want to marry.

OP wants to get married, or at least have the option.
Many of you are long term unmarried couples and that's fine if that's what you BOTH want.
Don't let other people change your mind OP. Wanting to marry is perfectly reasonable. It's not just about being a princess for the day!

Wow I didn't expect this much debate!

In all fairness if he was the type to 'change his mind for the right woman' it's a bit early to tell after a few months

I think I've realised that if it's a choice between marriage (not bothered at all about the wedding day) and a lasting relationship with someone who doesn't want to be legally bound- id rather go for the latter. Plus I have ample time to see how it goes

If that's what you want OP. Think he'd make a similar life-changing compromise for you?

Fine op, but for God's sake think carefully about your financial situation before you have children ( if you decide you want them). Don't sleep walk your way into a financially dependent situation.

Good luck to you, OP.
We're here if you need any more advice from your older, wiser, MNetters!

Marriage is outdated. Lots of women just want the princess for a day rubbish. No idea what the point of it is and it costs loads of money too, for what ? To prove your love?

You seem to be confusing marriage with the wedding..... it's a bit like confusing the sex which conceives your baby with looking after them for 18+ years!

Bananabread in my opinion there are actually a lot of people who do confuse this when getting married. They are so desperate for their Big day which they become obsessed in the ugliest way about that they soon split up after a few years.

Op I stayed with a man like this and had children. He refused any commitment (house bought jointly, marriage etc). It ended, I was in a weak position when children meant my finances dropped and career vanished.

My best friend and her partner have been together for 14 years, longer than some people we know who have met, married and divorced in that time. They have a 2 year old son. At the end of the day, I don't think marriage is as important as some people think. A long term relationship without marriage can work with the right person as long as you still have the same goals and level of commitment.

OP be careful. Please don't go into this thinking you can change him. He is telling you who he is. If you are fine with that, great. But that's not what is coming across in your posts. I am old and cynical. But a 35 year old man telling a 25 year old that he doesnt believe in marriage and hasn't made his mind up about kids. It is making my spidey senses tingle. Those who are saying that they have wonderful long term partnerships, that's great, but most of you decided that together, a mutual planned decision. Please take care, OP.

peesandlove
I agree, some people do, but that's hardly grounds for saying marriage is outdated.

To say that marriage is outdated, when it's the only way to acquire various legal protections that are important/essential to some people, is just naive silliness.

Oh I'm so naive. It's annoying that the government still want us to be owned by someone else, this is where it all started. Anyway, I will carry on happily for another 22 years unmarried. As I say, usually one of the two is insecure and wants to make sure the other doesn't get away. But it doesn't work.

21 😂