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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn't believe in marriage

154 replies

sugarplumnight · 23/12/2016 22:12

I've been dating a lovely man for a few months. He's wonderful, we get on really well, and it's getting to the stage where we are getting serious.

However he has told me last week that he doesn't want to get married, ever. He never has been, and he's 35 (I'm 25) At first this didn't bother me, but as I've thought about it more seriously I think I would like to marry someone eventually, and I think I would be disappointed to have to rule it out indefinitely.

So the question is AIBU to be re-thinking the whole (nearly) relationship? I really like him, I just don't know if this is going to be an issue. I'm not dead-set on marriage, and he might change his mind, but Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
sugarplumnight · 23/12/2016 22:35

I suppose I'd rather have a lasting relationship with him and accept the fact we probably won't get married, than dump him now and end up not being that bothered about marriage later

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/12/2016 22:37

You are quite young so shouldn't be in a rush to get married. But he's 35 and by now most people would know if they liked the thought of being married or not. It also depends on the reason he doesn't want to get married. Has he been married before or did his parents not have a good marriage. You've only known him a few months so it's quite soon to be thinking about marriage. But it could be a red flag if he's announced he doesn't want to get married ever. It's a difficult one.

AmberEars · 23/12/2016 22:38

Most importantly, if you have children while unmarried DO NOT become a SAHM or go part time because you will not be protected financially in the event of a split.

Beyond that, it's up to you how important marriage is to you. Maybe it's not a deal breaker, but if it is, better to leave now in the early stages rather than wait for him to change his mind.

Does it bother you that he 'hasn't ruled out children'? If you want kids would you like him to be a bit more enthusiastic than that?

thecolonelbumminganugget · 23/12/2016 22:38

Lots of people don't consider marriage to be important, that doesn't mean that if the two of you want to be together you can't do so as equal partners. How you define your relationship depends on your circumstances, your expectations and how you interact with each other. Your relationship is also quite new, if you love him and it works right now then maybe just enjoy it and see how things develop. Life never turns out how you think it will.

Owllady · 23/12/2016 22:39

It doesn't reAlly matter what any of us think. If marriage is important to you and not him, then it's deal breaker innit :(

BonnieF · 23/12/2016 22:42

Me and DP have been together for 20+ years. We are not married and have no plans to marry. We are child-free by choice, so we don't see the point. Several of our friends are in the same position. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

We might consider Civil Partnership if it were a possibility, but sadly the relevant law currently discriminates against opposite-sex couples.

Man10 · 23/12/2016 22:46

Not getting married is the most reliable way to ensure you will never get divorced.

Is he a much higher earner? If so he'd be insane to get married.

Of course the opposite applies to lower earners: if your partner earns five times as much as you, definitely marry them, if they're stupid enough to sign up for it.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/12/2016 22:48

Well, if he has said he doesn't see the point, explain the point(s) to him.

Financial benefits while married (tax etc)

Important should one of you die unexpectedly:

  • Being legal next of kin

-Automatically inheriting jointly owned property

-A lot less stress & paperwork

But mainly if you have children, the person making some, or a lot, of career sacrifices NEEDS the financial security that being married gives them.

Being married doesn't prevent the relationship breaking down (and that's what most people mean when they say they don't see the point) but financially & practically it's important - especially if something goes wrong.

It only needs to be a registry office with you two and either a couple of friends or people offf the street if it's the Big Fat Fuss he doesn't want.

If someone isn't prepared to get married to provide that security when you have children then I'd walk

That all aside, I'd want to know why he's so anti. Did his parents have a terrible marriage? I do think marriage itself is important beteeen a couple, because I want to be with someone who WANTS me to be his wife and wants to be my husband. If not, are they still looking for something better?!

QueenLizIII · 23/12/2016 22:48

One of my exes said he never wanted to marry. He also hated being single

Looking at his track record.

6 year relationship, ended in him cheating. No engagement ring in sight.

6 year relationship on and off, 3 break ups,frequent cheating, moods, fighting. No engagement ring in sight.

Several small relationships between major relationships as he cant bear to be alone. I was one of the small relationships, wasnt that bothered about him.

Now apparently with someone for nearly 2 years. Dont live together no engagement ring in sight. He will probably cheat the longer the relationship goes on. It is his modus operandi. Be with someone a few years, get bored, cheat, rinse repeat.

He is nearly 36.

He is 10 years older than you. Why dont you find someone a bit closer in age. If marriage and kids arent a factor for you right now then date someone in their mid twenties who is figuring out what they want rather than a 35 yo who has been there, done that and know what they dont want. He will never marry you.

LindyHemming · 23/12/2016 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sugarplumnight · 23/12/2016 22:49

Man10 funnily enough I'm not wanting to get married to cash in

if you must know I am the higher earner

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 23/12/2016 22:50

he has been truthful with you rather than stringing you along.
if he is mentioning this in the early days at least you know from the start before you get serious.
A few months is nothing and moving on will be easier if you don't share the same values.
They don't change, many a woman's downfall, waiting or trying to get them to change.

Adnerb95 · 23/12/2016 22:51

The financial vulnerability thing is easily dealt with by ensuring that your wills are correctly drawn up. As an unmarried partner you would have no automatic right to his or any joint assets so make sure you are protected.

Thundercake · 23/12/2016 22:52

I just want to add that I think De Facto relationships (which are measurable if you go by immigration requirements) should be given the same weight as a marriage, i.e.: tax benefits, rights to children, finances etc because when I walked out of the registry office 5 minutes after I walked into it neither I, nor my relationship were any different.

M0stlyHet · 23/12/2016 22:54

The thing that marriage provides is some sort of compensation for lost earnings in the event of a split if you have gone part time/become a SAHM when you have children (this can be achieved by other means - legal arrangements over sharing the assets, particularly the house, and agreements about how the assets would be divided in the event of a split). What you don't want is to be in the position ten years down the line with a shared house and children, where you've gone down to half-time hours or are not earning at all as a SAHM, the house (which you've presumably contributed to financially in the early stages of living together, then been acting as unpaid housekeeper for, and freed up his earning potential by looking after his children for free) remains in his name and he keeps it in the event of a split. I've seen this happen to women.

The other thing to bear in mind if you live in the SE of England and have a house worth more than the inheritance threshold (which is basically anything larger than a garden shed in London) is that marriage is the only way of preventing death duties being payable if one of you steps under a bus or gets cancer.

On an emotional level, if it matters to you and he claims it's a meaningless piece of paper... well, in my experience, watching numerous friends, this goes one of two ways. The ones who say "to me, it's a meaningless piece of paper, but it'll make my partner happy, so what the hell, why not do it" are still together, the ones who said "but it's meaningless, meaningless I tell you" and stick to their guns all split up later (often to then marry other people). Just my experience, but on the whole not bothering to marry only works if both of you are not bothered.

Phalenopsisgirl · 23/12/2016 23:03

Have seen too many friends say 'marriage isn't important' before entangling their lives with a man, with and without children only to find out marriage really is important when the shit hits the fan. If he isn't committed enough to marry he is 't committed enough to have children. As many people who might come forward and say it works for them you can bet 10 other women (or men) are struggling to do the best for their kids who were not afforded the rights they would have had had their parents been married. Also incredibly messy if you later split even without children if unmarried as legally you'd be on very soft ground. Anyone who says they don't want to marry is basically saying they don't want to promise to fairly divide assets in the event of separation and support the children who are the product of that marriage, as really at the heart of it marriage is just a legal contract. However much you like this guy if you don't see your life the same (i.e. Living separately without children but just still dating/having fun/enjoying spending time together ) in 10 or 20 years time then I'd walk away, as soon as you mix your life with his you are risking getting trapped in the relationship by financial issues or facing a hard fight to get what's yours to be able to move on alone. Marriage doesn't just make the relationship more cemented together, it also simplifies things if you parted ways.

1horatio · 23/12/2016 23:05

Children but no marriage would be a deal breaker to me, tbh.

I think the honest chat idea would be your best bet. Good luck.

TheWayYouLookTonight · 23/12/2016 23:05

I think it's worth exploring with him the reasons behind why he doesn't believe in marriage. I know guys who genuinely find the historical connotations of marriage, i.e. transferring a woman from her father's ownership to her husband's, unpalatable. They would rather frame their relationship as a partnership, which sounds fair enough, as long as that partnership involves using all the legal protections that are available without marriage and keeping financial independence.

dollyshouse · 23/12/2016 23:06

You are bothered by it otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question on here, you are only young there is a large age gap, he won't change his mind, end it now before it becomes more painful for you to do so

Original poster
sugarplumnight · 23/12/2016 23:09

As TheWayYouLookTonight and previous PPs have said, I think I need to chat with him about the specific reasons

all I've got so far is that being consciously unmarried has worked for his siblings and friends most of whom are in a lasting relationship so he doesn't see a point, and it isn't financial as he isn't loaded and actually I have more assets

OP posts:
Phalenopsisgirl · 23/12/2016 23:11

Yes forgot about the death thing, if either died, if married you get to keep your home, no tax/issues etc, unmarried you would likely be hit by a tax bill that could leave you unable to stay in your home or worse have someone else come out the woodwork staking a claim. You would also be his next of kin so important decisions re medical care or funeral arrangements would be yours to make. Have also heard a few tales of couple who had lived happily for 30 odd years only for the surviving partner to be push aside when it came to the funeral and not allowed to attend by the 'next of kin' with a grudge

newdaynewnane · 23/12/2016 23:12

So he just 'doesn't see the point' as opposed to hating marriage. Read up about the legal benefits marriage provides.

rubyslippedover · 23/12/2016 23:12

Not getting married can be less risky than marriage. If he turns in to an arse, you can grab the kids and get out much easier. It's more important to ensure paperwork re housing and finances is clear, and sorted, though. But if you split, he can't leave you with half his debts, and take half your pension!

Going part time is also not an issue. As long as he also goes part time.

In an equal relationship, there should be no cautions about not being married, unless you're over the inheritance tax threshold. If you're not rich, and equal, then it really is just a piece of paper. Or a misogynistic, religious hangover, depending on your point of view.

If you want the little wifey at home life, then, yes, perhaps marriage offers some advantage.

As a professional woman, with a good pension, I could have lost so much more if I'd been married to my abusive ex. As it was, despite having a kid, I walked away, leaving his debts to him, keeping my savings. No party would ever have made up for that feeling.

DixieWishbone · 23/12/2016 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1481838270 · 23/12/2016 23:13

If you are 25 and already early more than he does, then it is probably in your best financial interests not to get married.

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