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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn't believe in marriage

154 replies

sugarplumnight · 23/12/2016 22:12

I've been dating a lovely man for a few months. He's wonderful, we get on really well, and it's getting to the stage where we are getting serious.

However he has told me last week that he doesn't want to get married, ever. He never has been, and he's 35 (I'm 25) At first this didn't bother me, but as I've thought about it more seriously I think I would like to marry someone eventually, and I think I would be disappointed to have to rule it out indefinitely.

So the question is AIBU to be re-thinking the whole (nearly) relationship? I really like him, I just don't know if this is going to be an issue. I'm not dead-set on marriage, and he might change his mind, but Sad

OP posts:
rubyslippedover · 23/12/2016 23:16

If you have more assets, then don't get married. But long term, make a will.

If you have over £325000, and you want him to inherit, it could be a good plan to marry before you die. As the higher earner, that's the only benefit you get from marriage.

And a lot of potential problems if it goes wrong.

It's no brainer for me.

BantyCustards · 23/12/2016 23:18

If you really want it and he doesn't I can't see how you can really compromise.

If he doesn't want marriage but is quite happy to have children with you:

Run and keep on running.

rubyslippedover · 23/12/2016 23:19

The 'next of kin' thing is a myth.

No adult can make decisions for another adult with capacity, married or not, without a LPA, which you don't need to be married for.

The only time a relative has a role in healthcare decisions is under the mental health act, and the 'nearest relative' legislation, but then a long term partner who co-habits counts as 'nearest relative' for that.

Marriage isn't always protection. It can be financial suicide.

QueenLizIII · 23/12/2016 23:19

As TheWayYouLookTonight and previous PPs have said, I think I need to chat with him about the specific reasons

No you dont.

You are 25. TWENTY FIVE!
Life has barely begun.
It has been a few months with him not a few years.

Instead of getting in his head and figuring out the specific reasons why HE wants what he wants, why dont you decide this is not what you want and move on.

BigFatBollocks · 23/12/2016 23:27

Well said QUEEN!

rubyslippedover · 23/12/2016 23:27

You can even share parental leave equally these days, so you can take equal career hits if you do have kids.

www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay-employer-guide/overview

No reason to have an unequal relationship, no reason for marriage.

Unless you're dying.

newdaynewnane · 23/12/2016 23:29

Queen

But what if his stance is based on nothing and the OP throws away a perfectly viable relationship?

DixieWishbone · 23/12/2016 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConvincingLiar · 23/12/2016 23:31

Today 22:51 Adnerb95
The financial vulnerability thing is easily dealt with by ensuring that your wills are correctly drawn up.

I disagree. That's fine as long as you're still together and true to your word. Cohabitation tends to go wrong on separation, that's when he can change his will leaving you with nothing.

Batteriesallgone · 23/12/2016 23:31

Well at 25 there's no need to know what you want.

I guess I always felt if it's not important, why not do it if the person you love wants to, if it is important then they are basically saying they don't trust you (or anyone on principle) enough to share everything with, emotionally and legally. I wouldn't want to be with someone I didn't think trusted me completely.

Maybe set yourself a time limit - a year? Two? To spend having fun. But the minute you start thinking about moving in ask yourself - where will this end and do I want to invite that pain.

Oh and make it clear to him he's on a two year contract. If he's genuinely a commitment phobe who doesn't want marriage or kids or legal entanglement he'll be cool with it, if he's a controlling arse he'll kick off. And if he's a controlling arse starting with this stuff now to mess with your head - then leave him quick.

Rainbunny · 23/12/2016 23:33

Well the questions you need to ask are about his feelings on living together and co-mingling finances, would he consider buying a house together etc... Not wanting to get married is fine (as is wanting to get married) but I would want to know if it's just marriage he doesn't want or is it a serious level of commitment he doesn't see himself wanting? Does he ever want kids? It's only been a few months but at some point you need to find out these things.

rubyslippedover · 23/12/2016 23:34

Cohabitation tends to go wrong on separation, that's when he can change his will leaving you with nothing.

And divorce is such a walk in the park?

After divorce, if they die, you get nothing.

But with divorce they get your money while they're alive!

Batteriesallgone · 23/12/2016 23:35

Oh and as far as kids go - there are always plenty of risks to pregnancy. It made me very sick and left me unable to work for two years after giving birth.

Yes you can share parental leave etc but the woman is the one who gets pregnant and gives birth and takes those serious health risks. The risks of having a baby simply cannot be equally shared.

rubyslippedover · 23/12/2016 23:36

No, but marriage doesn't change the risks of pregnancy or childbirth.

You won't get more in a divorce settlement because you have a perineal tear.

QueenLizIII · 23/12/2016 23:38

But what if his stance is based on nothing and the OP throws away a perfectly viable relationship?

She is 25. She will have another perfectly viable relationship in her life. The buck doesnt stop with this man.

Original poster
sugarplumnight · 23/12/2016 23:41

QueenLizIII I appreciate the advice but this is the first man I've dated who I've really fit with so I'd rather not throw it away without due consideration

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 23/12/2016 23:42

Ok. Make sure you just dont end up 35 and unmarried and childless hoping he will change.

mydietstartsmonday · 23/12/2016 23:42

He doesn't believe in marriage until he meets someone he wants to marry.

rubyslippedover · 23/12/2016 23:43

queen That isn't always true.

Some people never find someone for a relationship. You cannot know OP would find someone she connects with as much as this man. The question is whether marriage is a deal breaker. For some women, it would be. Others, not such a issue. My POV is I can't see benefits for a high earning woman marrying, but lots of risks.

Most of the people I know met their partners before they were 25, now in late 30's, many kids, one divorce only.

newdaynewnane · 23/12/2016 23:50

So what if she's 25, 35 or 65. I don't see what difference it makes.

DJBaggySmalls · 23/12/2016 23:52

You're the high earner now, after you have children that might not be the case.

kali110 · 23/12/2016 23:56

What's the problem with the op's age? 25 is hardly a child Confused
I have friends who had met their oh way before that age.

jeaux90 · 23/12/2016 23:57

If you are the high earner then you probably shouldn't get married anyway. I never will again for sure. If you have kids do not give up your career and be a sahm if you are not married. I am a high earner, have had a nanny since my daughter was 3 months old. She's 7 now. I'm a single mum and seeing someone lovely but won't marry because I don't need to and I want to protect myself financially.

The only benefit I can see if being married is around inheritance.

DIYandEatCake · 24/12/2016 01:09

I met my partner when we were 19 and from the start he said he didn't believe in marriage (as a general idea rather than just related to me). I hoped he'd maybe change his mind when he got older/when his friends got married/when we wanted children, but he never has. Although I sometimes wish we had the same name for convenience, I've got over the disappointment and we've been happily together for 16 years - we've bought a house, had children and been through all sorts of ups and downs and he's there for me 100%. We used to argue about it, at about the 5 year mark, but then I decided that I wasn't going to change him and it was either accept it or move on. I would rather be not-married to him than married to anyone else, if that makes sense - I guess that's the decision you'll have to make at some point. You have time to see how things work out though - there's no rush to decide yet.

Trifleorbust · 24/12/2016 01:11

I think there is a difference between not seeing the point in marriage and having specific objections to marriage. If he just doesn't see the point, but you do and you want to marry, he shouldn't mind getting married because that is what his partner wants. If he has objections to marriage but isn't stating them, it's probably about the financial aspects and commitment, which means he wants to be able to walk away with no ties. This may be acceptable to you now as the 25 year old higher earner but long term it carries risks. You may not always have that earning power - long term illness, redundancy, children etc. Will you be as happy to be unmarried at 45 as you are at 25, or will you be feeling quite insecure by that point?