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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if I will regret not having children?

168 replies

NameChanged38a · 13/10/2016 10:44

I am ambivalent.

I am 38, married, but I'm in uni and hoping to start a new career.

And really do not care for children.

Or so I thought. Until I turned 38 and realised my window is closing.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChanged38a · 13/10/2016 10:45

Sorry - title should be NOT having children.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 13/10/2016 10:46

Unfortunately nobody can answer that question for you, not even you.

WorraLiberty · 13/10/2016 10:48

I agree with Milk

Mind you, your window closing is no reason to have a baby unless you're really sure you want one.

SleepFreeZone · 13/10/2016 10:49

If you didn't want a baby before and are busy studying for a career change then I would say you probably don't really want a baby.

BastardGoDarkly · 13/10/2016 10:49

If you don't have that burning urge, I'd say you wouldn't regret it.

I have lots of female friends who chose not to have children, none have regretted it (we're all 42+)

But no one can tell you definitively.

Original poster
NameChanged38a · 13/10/2016 10:49

I'm afraid I'd wake up someday wanting one and then it will be too late.

OP posts:
unlimiteddilutingjuice · 13/10/2016 10:49

Its pretty difficult to predict how you'll feel about something in the future, unfortunately.
And its no good asking us Mums: the little fuckers darlings have invagealed themselves into our affections and skewed our perspective on things.

IrenetheQuaint · 13/10/2016 10:51

How does your DH feel about it?

Temporaryname137 · 13/10/2016 10:52

Have you thought about WHY you would want a child or WHY you would regret not having one? The answers to those questions might help your thought process.

SleepFreeZone · 13/10/2016 10:52

Don't be like me and assume babies are like puppies that will curl up in the corner of the room and sleep while you study/work. They demand your attention 24/7 and you won't he s chance to have a coherent thought unless someone else is caring for them. Toddlers will trash the house and whine fit your attention constantly.

I know some people do manage to study and have small children with no help but I honestly don't know how they do it!! They really are the superhuman few.

Mari50 · 13/10/2016 10:52

Who knows? Some people regret having them. . . It's your decision and you're the one who has to live with the consequences either way.
Look at it this way, you've got to 38 without wanting them. You now feel maybe you might want one because your time is running out and you are trying to decide by asking strangers online what they think. I reckon if you really wanted to be a mum you'd have explored the option a little bit more by now. How does your husband feel (made a massive assumption that you are married to a man and have the other half of the baby making equation readily available)?

Original poster
NameChanged38a · 13/10/2016 10:52

He doesn't have a burning desire either.

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 13/10/2016 10:52

I don't care for children either, well other than my own!

But only you know how you will feel.

How do you picture your life in 10, 20, 30 years time? That might give you some insight.

WildDigestive · 13/10/2016 10:53

Honestly, OP, there are about a million threads on here about whether to have kids if you don't feel massively drawn to the idea. The harsh truth is you absolutely can't know how you will feel about any major life decisions decades later, and the extra-harsh thing about deciding whether or not to have children is that it's either/or, there is a cut-off point which is stops being possible, and there is still a huge amount of cultural pressure to have them.

If it's only the realisation that you need to make a call pretty soon that's putting this in your mind, I would discount it. Think much more carefully about whether this is something you actually might want. But also explore allowing yourself to decide it's not what you want.

HarleyQuinzel · 13/10/2016 10:58

How would you feel if you found out you were pregnant unexpectedly?

forkhandles4candles · 13/10/2016 11:00

I know one person who regrets, and lots who don't, nowin their 40s and 50s. Who can say? The one who regrets knew she wanted them but did not have a partner when the time was possible. The others are in long term relationships, had other things to do, books to write, places to visit etc.

OTOH - I did it but at later age than you are now

PurpleCrazyHorse · 13/10/2016 11:00

I don't think my life would be better or worse for not having children, I think it would just be different. I can't imagine I wouldn't be just as happy, but getting happiness from different things and experiences.

Obviously there's a time limit on having biological children, but there's no reason why you couldn't still have children by other means later on if you really wanted to. Or is it possible you might have nieces/nephews or friends children you could be close to and enjoy if you wanted to have fun with kids but hand them back? We have beautiful friends who care for our children dearly, treat them and are just like family to them, they also enjoy handing them back and going on their adult only holidays.

Dontpanicpyke · 13/10/2016 11:00

I think if you haven't planned or wanted kids by now then you deep down don't. You just don't want to loose the option.

NathanBarleyrocks · 13/10/2016 11:03

I don't but obviously it is a very personal thing. I just never had the maternal instinct. I adore my nieces and nephews but having children was just never on my radar. I'm 42 so unlikely to change my mind now. Seem to be more and more women not having children although that may just be the people I hang around with.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 13/10/2016 11:05

No way of knowing. You may regret not having a child and another person might regret becoming a parent. We just don't know how we'll feel until we're past the point of no return.

Matchstickbox · 13/10/2016 11:09

Mine was unexpected. I worried for untitled oregancy I'd hate it. I wasn't ready, didn't have a burning desire, didnt think I'd ever really get the burning desire.

Took two hours with DD. I love her soon much and wonder why I didn't do this before. Best thing ever.

Could be the sane for you.
But it might not be.
This may be the start of burning desire... only you can sender this.
Sorry

Matchstickbox · 13/10/2016 11:09

Scuse typos.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 13/10/2016 11:12

I'm 41 and don't regret it. Every now and then I wonder what our children would be like but that soon passes! I've never had a desire to have children and DH has them from his first marriage (they are adults so thankfully I've never had to deal with small children!) and didn't want any more.

Zigzigsputnik76 · 13/10/2016 11:12

I don't think many people regret having kids but it changes your life there is no denying that. They bring lots of joy and love to your world but also lots of stress, worry and lots of hard work!

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 13/10/2016 11:16

I think if you've got to 38 years and you have always been ambivalent about having children then it's unlikely that you will look back with deep regret if you remain childless. Although nothing is for certain.

And also, juggling new babies/ small toddlers and new careers is a bit of a minefield, it is jumping in at the deep end.