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Original poster

to ask if I will regret not having children?

168 replies

NameChanged38a · 13/10/2016 10:44

I am ambivalent.

I am 38, married, but I'm in uni and hoping to start a new career.

And really do not care for children.

Or so I thought. Until I turned 38 and realised my window is closing.

OP posts:
SnotGoblin · 13/10/2016 11:17

My take on this is that you are more likely to regret not having children than you are to regret having them IF you have ever toyed with the idea of having them or wondered if you'd like to and generally thought you might.

You will have a rich and fulfilling life no matter what you choose. I chose to start my family at your age and have no social life, no access or time to do the things I used to love doing (reading, drinking, socialising, travelling to exotic malaria filled destinations e.g.).

Good luck with your decision making process. It's a tough one isn't it? There is nothing like the thought of the choice being removed from you to make you re-evaluate what your choice might actually be!

FreshwaterSelkie · 13/10/2016 11:17

I don't have any, and I don't regret it at all. I was somewhere between "didn't want to" and "couldn't", as a result of a combination of ambivalence and severe endometriosis. When I finally had a hysterectomy, and the issue was closed for good, I thought I would feel a sense of loss. But what I actually felt was mostly relief that I didn't have to spend any more time agonising over the decision and I could just get on with all of the other stuff I have in my life. It's worked out well for me, and I'm content with my lot.

ElspethFlashman · 13/10/2016 11:17

Are you actually broody at all?

I got broody out of the blue at 38 after a lifetime of never having had a single broody minute. It was clearly cos the door was closing and my subconscious started to panic.

In my case after some agonising, my DH basically said he'd be cool whatever I decided but it was 100% my call.

I ultimately decided to at least try, and basically leave it up to Fate/ Destiny/The Gods.

Two years later I had two kids and DH & I were having such fun. We simultaneously felt 10 years younger and 10 years older, lol.

So that's the perspective of someone who did it.

HOWEVER.....my career took a big hit and I didn't sleep for years. It was the hardest work I've ever done and we didn't go on holiday for literally years. The sacrifices were endless, and daily and huge.

We didn't mind so much as we felt we'd had 20 years of freedom so big deal. But if you have anything left to do, it would be difficult. It would be hard with the coursework college requires, tbh.

Whathaveilost · 13/10/2016 11:18

I'm afraid I'd wake up someday wanting one and then it will be too late.
You might do.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 13/10/2016 11:18

'I don't think many people regret having kids but it changes your life there is no denying that.'

Well it's not something people freely admit in real life.

ErgonomicallyUnsound · 13/10/2016 11:20

I was never broody
I've never esp liked babies
Like children though, especially older ones. I like them better as mine get older : that's mine and other peoples. Still not a fan of babies tho
I had mine late 30s

They change your life utterly. I welcome the change.

Original poster
NameChanged38a · 13/10/2016 11:22

No, I can't say I am broody. It's more of I'm 38, and my friends who do not have kids (my previous career makes it hard to have children early) are now actively trying (freezing eggs, IVFs, etc) so I am wondering if I should.

OP posts:
SallyR0se · 13/10/2016 11:24

Same here. Got married at 39. We're ambivalent, but it's a topic of conversation for sure. We'd like one child, if any. Don't think I'll have regrets either way. What Milk said is true. A lot of life just happens, having kids is no different.

RawPrawn · 13/10/2016 11:25

Don't do it OP.

Don't go and create a whole new human being because of FOMO.

Try finding some new friends. Ones who don't have kids. It might change your perspective on 'missing out'.

ToastDemon · 13/10/2016 11:29

It's really hard to say. I'm 41 and very happy that I didn't, never had a moment's regret.
But you may feel differently.

HyacinthFuckit · 13/10/2016 11:29

You might. You wouldn't be the first. I can see why you would wonder.

But on the whole, your reasons for thinking about whether to have one now don't sound very good. Your friends doing it and your window closing are not a sensible rationale for having a child.

FredBair · 13/10/2016 11:31

I felt exactly the same as you. Completely indifferent to children but aware that time was running out. With some trepidation I decided to go for it and twenty years ago I had DS1 at 37 and DS2 at 39.

Without doubt the best thing I ever did in my life.

Would I have regretted it if I hadn't done it?
No, because in my wildest imagination I could not have foreseen what joy and happiness children would bring.

greenfolder · 13/10/2016 11:37

You will have silence and money without children.

RawPrawn · 13/10/2016 11:38

All of you who threw the dice and won - terrific for you. But the stakes are too high, imo.

Regretting not having a child is nothing set against regretting having one.

LongDivision · 13/10/2016 11:39

I never felt "broody", at least I think in the sense that some people seem to talk about it, as some sort of primal, hormonal urge. Perhaps you'll never get that. You may, as you get older, feel a bit self-indulgent, and feel that you want to give something back to the world or share it with someone, or help people, or become a teacher. I think having a child can satisfy that feeling (I had DS at 40), but there are certainly other ways to put love into the world.

BastardGoDarkly · 13/10/2016 11:40

What about getting some eggs frozen then OP? Would that put your mind at rest do you think?

Datun · 13/10/2016 11:44

I might add that other people's children are really no incentive. They somehow bear little resemblance to your own. Nature's way !

But it's a big responsibility and a very difficult choice. I think most people absolutely don't regret it but it has a life long impact, not just on what you do, but how you think about everything.

SuramarMom · 13/10/2016 11:44

I don't care for children either, never was fussed about having any.

But my gosh I just bloody adore my own, far more than I thought possible after meeting loads of the snotty little devils!

I think I would have regretted it eventually, even though I didn't realise how much I wanted them until they were actually here.

Only you can answer that question though. I know someone who definitely 100% never wanted any and doesn't regret it.

On the other hand I know a lovely woman (my sister) who is now in a great deal of emotional pain because she does regret it and it's too late.

badtasteflump · 13/10/2016 11:45

Nobody can say. I have two 'childless' friends, both by choice. One is happy that way and one bitterly regrets the decision now Sad.

I was never very interested in other people's children - I never went funny over babies (and still don't). But I knew I wanted a family of my own, and can't imagine not having one. I can still take or leave everybody else's DC though Grin

AmayaBuzzbee · 13/10/2016 11:48

I never had a burning desire for children, I had decided I didn't want any (also had a well progressing career). Then along came my husband, to whom having children was a deal breaker. I decided I wanted him with children more than I wanted life without him and without children. I guess I was where you are, I started feeling 'what if' after turning 35.

We had our first DC at 36, and second a couple of years later. They are my world now, I love them (and having them in my life). From this perspective, I think at about 45 I would have bitterly regretted not having children. To me personally, I feel my life would have turned out very dull. Children bring so much joy and happiness (as well as frustration and aggravation!). If we had started younger, I am pretty sure we would have had at least 3, if not 4 DC. And this is coming from somebody who was 100% sure I didn't want any!

From my personal experience I would advise you to go for it.

ThirdTurd · 13/10/2016 11:51

Regret is a very strong word, OP.

I 'regret' not travelling when I was 18. I 'regret' not having more casual sex. I 'regret' not taking more drugs.

If I were a teenage again would I do these things? Probably not.

So I don't actually regret not doing them, I just recognise there was a window in my life where I could have done these things. Just because I chose not to, it doesn't mean I regret that, though I can see why they'd have been fun.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 13/10/2016 11:52

I always wanted kids, I have three, I love being a mother, I absolutely don't regret it, but oddly enough, the older I get, the more convinced I am that I could/would have made a fulfilling life for myself without, if it hadn't worked out for whatever reason.

I don't think rationality has a lot to do with wanting kids. If you have to sit down and puzzle out whether you do, you probably don't. IYSWIM.

winkywinkola · 13/10/2016 11:53

I definitely didn't have a burning desire.

I have four!

But if you do have dcs, assume any career progress or change will be very slow afterwards. It's a big old juggle.

cjt110 · 13/10/2016 11:55

At 16, I hated kids. Wouldnt want them in a million years and insisted I was going to be sterilised. Then I found out that due to medical issues, I may not be able to have children. This changed my view.

I have a son who is 2. I love him with every breath in my body. But Im not maternal at all. I wont have any other children.

So, in some ways, I understand your fear.

Jules125 · 13/10/2016 11:56

This is very hard to say. I have two children born when I was 39 and 41 after a lifetime of not liking and not thinking I wanted kids that much (I too was deeply ambivalent and scared in reality). My first pregnancy was an "accident" at age 37 and ended so badly; pre-eclampsia at 26 weeks and my first daughter died.

There is nothing like having something taken away from you to make you decide you really did want it after all, & that is what happened to me, in essence.

I have no regrets about this massive change to my life; my two living daughters are wonderful and I love them so much. I am so glad I did eventually have children before the window of opportunity closed. I am still working though likely my career has been adversely affected - I don't mind that though. I still don't necessarily like other people's kids all that much but mine are fantastic.

Equally, had my life panned out differently, then I would probably be happy being without kids now.

PS I work in a University and Universities are usually very supportive of pregnant students with breaks to degrees etc so I would not let this deter you, though no doubt it is even harder to return to a new career after having children.

If you are raising the issue it is possible you will be sad in 10 year time if you do not have kids - it is clearly somewhere in your mind. But it is hard to be sure.

I am 45 now and think I would have quite liked a third, had I started a bit younger and had less complicated pregnancies.