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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if I will regret not having children?

168 replies

NameChanged38a · 13/10/2016 10:44

I am ambivalent.

I am 38, married, but I'm in uni and hoping to start a new career.

And really do not care for children.

Or so I thought. Until I turned 38 and realised my window is closing.

OP posts:
TheABC · 13/10/2016 19:54

Very few parents will ever say they miss their child free life or regret having them (5am on a Sunday morning, maybe!). But it is unrelenting hard work and you do sacrifice your carefree lifestyle for them.

For me it was the answer to the question "what would you regret on your deathbed?". I knee I would forget the fancy holidays but I would always miss being a mother.

Lottapianos · 13/10/2016 20:09

'Oh I dunno, it felt pretty sunny and bright in the Maldives'

Love it Gin, love itGrin

MyGiddyUncle · 13/10/2016 20:22

Dylansmum11 if you'd conceived at the end of June, you'd be a lot more pregnant than 10 weeks! I think it's pretty impossible to be the other guys if it was the end of June, it must be your oh's.

maroda16 · 13/10/2016 21:17

Dylansmum11, if yore ten weeks 4 days pregnant then you conceived in nearly August.... I think you can relax!!

maroda16 · 13/10/2016 21:17

*You're

maroda16 · 13/10/2016 21:18

Early August!!! God my typing is terrible tonightConfused

JacquelineChan · 13/10/2016 21:19

If u r on the fence, then you might actually regret having children. Which would be much worse.

Original poster
NameChanged38a · 14/10/2016 05:35

Thanks, everyone. I am also toying with the idea of having my eggs frozen but that would be very expensive.

I am also afraid of pregnancy and childbirth.

OP posts:
user1476055574 · 14/10/2016 05:50

It is one thing you can not change, you either have children or don't. Me personally would say have one. When you are pregnant you will feel different and when that baby is in your arms, the love and motherly instincts will flood out.

I don't want to say this but if the love does not come there is adoption, there are women out there dying to be a mummy

MumsGoneToIceland · 14/10/2016 05:55

I personally think that if children haven't been in your plan until now and you are still career driven then you still don't have a desire to have children, it's more that your mind is aware that the cutoff point is nearing which makes you question whether you are really sure. No-one can say for sure whether you'll regret it but my gut feel is that you probably won't. I think you may well have some 'what if' moments in the future e.g when friends become gp's but that doesn't mean you did the wrong thing and not a reason to have children imo.

heron98 · 14/10/2016 06:08

I also do not care for kids. I sometimes worry I'll regret it but then I think fear of regret is a terrible reason to bring a child into the world! You should really want it, not just have it by default.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 14/10/2016 08:40

I don't want to say this but if the love does not come there is adoption, there are women out there dying to be a mummy

What a crazy thing to say - basically if you have one and don't like it you can give it back?

Unless there are serious attachment problems or other underlying issues, parents basically do love their children. Sometimes that love doesn't hit the moment the baby is born, sometimes it can take much longer to develop. But it almost always does.

It'a not as though people just say 'nah this isn't for me' and hand their children over for adoption Confused

I think the reason why people regret their children is not so much because they don't love them but because they sacrifice so much of themselves for them. The hard work and responsibility can be overwhelming. For most people adapt to that sacrifice and joys of having children are enough reward. But for various reasons for some people the balance between the sacrifice and the reward isn't there, which is where the regret creeps in. But don't think many of those who genuinely regret it would actually give their children up for adoption - if anything I think it can be the crushing sense of responsibility which can be the cause of the regret.

ChocolateWombat · 14/10/2016 08:52

I felt a bit like you. I didn't really like children - and still don't especially, apart from my own. I valued all the things I could do as a childless person. My DH felt the same.

And then I changed my mind and decided I would like a child. It was because I did feel I would have a sense of having missed out on one of life's big and irreplaceable adventures if I didn't. DH and I had always said that if one of us really wanted one, we would try....so we did.

Having a child does change your life, without a doubt. Not having a child isn't wrong or a lesser life or anything like that...but it is different. I think it's true that you rarely find people who say they wish they hadn't.....and it's all about the child being a real human being with their own little personality....once they are there, they are no longer the faceless, theoretical child, but an actual person you have a relationship with....and once people have that, they wouldn't be without it.

That said, in the first 3 months of having a baby I did wish I hadn't. I had PND and found the 24/7 nature of it all just overwhelming and unbearable.....but this phase passes and as my DC have got older, I have found things just get better and better. And DH is besotted and wouldn't be without.

I would say, if truly one fence...do it! Chances are you wont regret having this amazing experience which will be something for the rest of your life. If you feel you definitely do t want to, then fine of course....but if wavering, seine the opportunity which brings people so so much pleasure.

mum2Bomg · 14/10/2016 08:56

I wasn't sure but we decided to try. I'm 35 and always saw myself as older with children. Realised that if I didn't do it soon the option would be taken away from me. Now 7.5 months pregnant and it's the most exciting chapter of my life ever...can't wait to meet her!

Braeburns · 14/10/2016 09:06

I have kids (which I was adamant I would not have at 18 but changed my mind in my 20's) but based on friends who don't have children those who actively decided they did not want children seem very happy.

If neither of you have a strong desire to have children I wouldn't.

There are some good books which give different perspectives. I tend to read anything/everything from the feminism/society section at local library and found 'Otherhood' interesting.

Lottapianos · 14/10/2016 13:00

'When you are pregnant you will feel different and when that baby is in your arms, the love and motherly instincts will flood out. '

That is a seriously dangerous gamble, especially for someone who doesn't like children, is scared of pregnancy and birth and has no strong desire to have children. Not everyone falls in love with their baby, that's been well discussed on here.

Your comment about adoption is really worrying and seriously bad advice

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 14/10/2016 13:58

I don't want to say this but if the love does not come there is adoption, there are women out there dying to be a mummy

Jesus Christ, I've read some fucking stupid things on this site, but that takes the biscuit. Children aren't like a kettle from John Lewis with a six month guarantee. For once I'm actually hoping this is a troll at work.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/10/2016 14:05

I had my DD.
She was planned and is massively loved.
I would literally die for her.
But I'm just not the maternal type.
Don't particularly like kids to be honest.
(Except for my godson who is the cutest thing ever)
With hindsight would I do it the same if I had the choice?
I don't know - I really don't.

PeppasNanna · 14/10/2016 14:13

Has i known the reality of having dc, i wouldn't have had any.

Of course i love them but i have made so many sacrifices for them.

There are no guarantees your child will be healthy etc... I speak from experience.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 14/10/2016 21:42

I don't remotely regret having had children. But I didn't realise there would be quite so much drudgery involved.

timeforachangeithink · 14/10/2016 21:48

I didn't want children at all till I turned 35, the change was sudden and all consuming! It was dp's suggestion out of the blue, after my initial shock I suddenly wanted nothing more.

annandale · 14/10/2016 22:12

I wanted children all my life really, but did spend 5 years with a man who didn't want them. I had a recurring image of the two of us, old, retired with nothing to do and fed up with each other, in a comfortable house deep in a dark forest, with every known gadget, but nothing to say to each other. That was enough to get me off my arse and out of the relationship, but with hindsight it said more about the relationship in general than I appreciated at the time.

I do think if it's only just impinging on your life at 38, you will likely be fine if you don't have them. I do wonder though, what was the impulse that led you to apply for a new course? It looks as though you want some change in your life, and maybe that will lead you to have a go at getting pregnant, because if there is one thing that will change everything, that will.

Original poster
NameChanged38a · 15/10/2016 09:36

annandale

I changed careers because I migrated and it will take too much sacrifice from us to be able for me to practice my old career here with my husband. That said, my old career was something I was just pushed into by my parents.

OP posts:
smartiesaretheanswer · 15/10/2016 12:22

Am 37 DP is 47 and can't work due to several health issues, so I am the only one earning, also I have a bicornuate uterus so risk difficulties it's in the back of my mind but think I'd be more sad if started trying and didn't work...does that make sense to Anyone/any advice?

SallyR0se · 15/10/2016 14:06

Yeah, smarties. My guy is 10 years older too. We'd like it to happen, but we're not set on it either. If this is the way our life is then so be it... The marriage is more important to me than kids. I won't consider fertility treatment if nothing's doing.