to ask if I will regret not having children?

[NameChanged38a]

I am ambivalent.

I am 38, married, but I'm in uni and hoping to start a new career.

And really do not care for children.

Or so I thought. Until I turned 38 and realised my window is closing.

I would suggest this might not be a fixed point. Being in my mid 40's I love having control of my time, having money, freedom, sleep, absence of preoccupation with maintaining another human being's wellfare. It's rare (never happened) that I look at kids and think "that thing you're doing now is fabulous and I'd rather be looking after you than doing whatever it is I'm doing right now". Howeve, I reserve the right to regret the decision at a later date.

For me you need to think about how you see your future - in 10, 20, 30, 40 years time. Children are only small for a relatively short amount of time - they actually grow up and become adults!

I had children because I cannot imagine a future without grown up children, grandchildren etc. I could never imagine it just being me and my husband on our own forever.

Smarties Mary Berry has a bicornate uterus and had 3 children. She was told she might never have kids and her father asked her fiancé when he wanted to marry her was he sure and told him they might never have kids. I only remember reading this because I have a bicornuate uterus as well as premature ovarian failure. Remember going to fertility clinic 4 years ago and getting a letter a few weeks later about it. by the time I got the letter I was pregnant naturally but didn't know for another few days. I was 37 having my first DS thought that would be it and we were lucky. 18 months later we were pregnant again and had DD at 39. Currently 9.5 weeks with our 3rd had scan during the week and all fine so far. I'm 41 now. I remember googling stuff in the early days and it was very negative with high risk etc but my obstetrician keeps a close eye with scans every other week and put me on bed rest from week 30 on as have v stressful job and went into early threatened labour with ds1 but went full term in the end with both ds and dd. hope this helps.

I have two and I'm now 42. Not the same at all but my youngest is 8 and we had planned a 3rd at some stage. I then began retraining and planning to go back to work. I started to panick at nearly 40 wondering what I was doing as it would be virtually impossible to have children due to my career at that stage and I felt my window of opportunity was closing. Then I realised if I was that desperate for a 3rd I wouldn't have taken that career route. As the years are passing I don't regret it and actually feel sorry for mums of newborns rather than clucky - all I can see are the disadvantages like lack of sleep and I don't have any regrets.

so what I'm trying to say is that for you perhaps the fear is that by the time the maternal urge to have children sets in it may be very hard to conceive/too late. But I'm not sure it creeps up on you like that as a sudden sharp regret. I think you probably go through a similar process to the one I did - although as I said I know it's not a direct comparison.

I had absolutely no desire until after I turned 35. It was all the propaganda about 35 being some magical age after which your ovaries wither and die that made me think about it. I never liked kids but I didn't see myself in future without a family if you see what I mean. I never wanted to hold other people's babies and had to pretend I thought they were cute as that's what society expects from women, but I never felt it. Once my husband and I decided to start trying I was excited though and v happy when I got pregnant. I ended up having one at 36 and another at 38.5. I love them to bits but it is bloody hard and completely changes your life. I think I could've had a great life without them but I felt I would regret it once my window of opportunity closed if I hadn't tried. I don't believe that if you haven't had any desire before 38 you never will. And also I don't think you have to feel "broody" and love babies to make the decision to go for it. Very few people regret a child once he/ she is here. I was actually surprised by how fiercely I love my kids having been "anti" for so long.

Thank you NotSureAtAllNow x

If you have children, bear in mind that it's likely to be 10 years before you definitely won't get interrupted on the loo. In that time you will have made 1,000,000 drinks and said No 1,000,00 times and you can't go anywhere without drinks wipes nappies toys books spare clothes wellies raincoats hats gloves buggy...etcetc. You will rarely get a lie-in together, yes you might get a lie-in but not a spontaneous one and with your partner. Your money goes on drinks wipes nappies toys books wellies blah blah... and your brain turns to mush with the juggling required and the constant noise and laying down of law and making of rules and socialising. It's not for the half-hearted, it's difficult enough when you are fully on board!

They are lovely, but you have to put your own life on the back-burner to a certain degree, at least when they are infants.

Childfree and childless people also have families, producing biological children is not the sole domain of 'a family'. Women are still, tediously, under enormous societal pressure to procreate and it's seen as deviant and abnormal to be childfree, we get asked 'but why?' weekly. The planet hugely overpopulated by humans and there are millions of children who already exist that no one wants. Look up what the planet will be like by 2050 (it's the stuff of nightmares) and decide of you really need to drag another person into the world.

I'm amazed no one's mentioned the impact on sex life yet.
[just saying]

My view in that there's little as exquisite as the love for a child as that love reciprocated. Equally, the sacrifices and entrapment you can feel as a parent can't really be replicated.

The highs are higher, the lows are lower. It's life in technicolour. Some people don't need it.

I read somewhere that before children, someone can feel very happy in their life, but once you have a child it is like going through a one way door into a much bigger brighter world that you didn't previously know existed

Gee thanks, how do you think that makes those of us who can't have children feel?

I've not regretted it.

But I think it is better to regret not having children than regret having them.

I definitely don't need the unprecedented highs and exquisite love that can only be experienced by breeding your own biological child. Poor me and every other childfree and childless person. Not. How up your own hole can one person be?!

I don't understand your point, snotlynn (guessing it was aimed at me)?

Plenty of childfree people live technicolour lives and plenty of parents lead unfulfilling ones. So let's not imply that parenthood is the only path to a full life.

Again, I assume that was aimed at me, squoosh.

I agree, wholly. My DM has always said that she could never imagine life being "worthwhile" (her actual word) without children. I became a parent in my late 30s, and maintain that I can imagine living a very fulfilled and happy life without children. Parenthood is not, imo, by any means the only path to a full life. My initial post didn't imply such a thing, I was careful with the language I chose (been on here long enough). The OP asked about having children, not about having a full life.

And thinking about snotlynn further, I think you're assuming from my post that I'm full of exquisite joy at being a parent, living on a high, and inconsiderately forgetting that some people reading this are struggling/have struggled with infertility. This is incorrect. I deliberately said nothing about biological children (part of the reason I became a parent later in life was infertility. In addition, as it happens, we are in the throes of trying to add to our family through adoption so really the thought wasn't even in my mind). I also said the lows are lower, and you can't have the highs without the lows. Some people really don't need either the highs or the lows, because their lives are already rich enough. They don't have time for children, they don't feel the need to make the sacrifices or experience the joys because they 'get their kicks' elsewhere. I see nothing objectionable about this statement of fact.

It's rude to suggest I have my head up my arse when I took the time to ensure I worded my post carefully and you chose not to read it carefully.

It wasn't especially aimed at you. It was aimed at yours as well as the other people who used the word 'technicolour' and particularly at 'I read somewhere that before children, someone can feel very happy in their life, but once you have a child it is like going through a one way door into a much bigger brighter world that you didn't previously know existed'

I really loved the baby stage and found other years hard ! Now we have teens I love it ! Interesting , bonkers , lovely young people who bring additional dimension s as well as dh and I having time to ourselves again .
Think about the love you wd gain and the restrictions - I didn't and wish I had prep self better for both as much as I could .
We didn't want dc at all but I got a very strong maternal urge at 34 . If I'd been on the pill and not ovulating I'm convinced we wd have stayed child free .
The thing is it's extra people to love . And all that comes with it . Do you want that ?