Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if I will regret not having children?

168 replies

NameChanged38a · 13/10/2016 10:44

I am ambivalent.

I am 38, married, but I'm in uni and hoping to start a new career.

And really do not care for children.

Or so I thought. Until I turned 38 and realised my window is closing.

OP posts:
BowieFan · 13/10/2016 13:43

SallyR0se

Completely agree, my CF brother is a jet-setter, but we're friends with a child free couple that are just normal. They go to work, come home and laze in front of the TV. Yes, they probably have more disposable income than other families in similar jobs, but they're hardly living the high life.

Lottapianos · 13/10/2016 13:43

'Childless folk just don't do this. We have normal lives'

'We sit & watch Corrie too!'

Grin We sure do. Well, not Corrie, got to have some standards Wink, but we watch Strictly on a Saturday night with a spag bol instead of spraying our Lambourghinis with champagne! Childless people have responsibilities and stresses and worries like any regular adult, its not some kind of extended teenage period where you can be as wild and carefree as you like

waitingforsomething · 13/10/2016 13:43

No one can else really answer that. If you don't want a baby and YOU don't think you'll regret it then you shouldn't have one.
FWIW DD, my first child, was a surprise. It was bad timing, I didn't feel at the time like I ever wanted children and I spent the whole pregnancy worrying that I wouldn't love her. Once she was born she changed my life massively. I had less money, more stress, but I loved her so much, I didn't know that it was even possible to love like that. She's 4 next month and I obviously don't regret her one bit. Everyone is different.

BowieFan · 13/10/2016 13:45

OdinsLoveChild

I suppose you have a point there. If you're CF and have a holiday fund, you don't need to live with the worry that your kids could need a whole new uniform/a school trip/books/bike etc which would dip into it. When you have kids, you have to be ready at a moment's notice that your holiday fund could be depleted to 0 when your DC has fell off his bike and needs a complete partial denture. Speaking from personal experience there.

BowieFan · 13/10/2016 13:49

waitingforsomething

In total agreement. I was very upset when we couldn't conceive naturally and at times I was entertaining adoption just to please DP. I genuinely felt like we'd never find a child or that we just weren't fit to be parents. Then we were told by a social worker about a pregnant lady who could simply not look after her kids when they were born and her family were not in a position to do so either. We loved their family, they were so supportive. When DCs were born, I fell in love immediately. I always thought you could never love someone the way I love my DCs. I always thought you bonded when they came out of your womb, but it's not true. I was a complete mess when I held them for the first time. I just knew, I knew right away.

SallyR0se · 13/10/2016 13:57

Well, not Corrie but you know what I mean! Thing is, one of the big reasons that we don't have kids is lack of money...

ElspethFlashman · 13/10/2016 14:01

It depends on personality too, doesn't it?

If you are a spontaneous type who still really needs to spend a sabbatical hiking around New Zealand, then kids will not suit you. If you're someone with a lot of CF friends and see those friends predominantly in the pub, then you will get lonely with kids. If your partner values his social life and has a selfish bent, then you will end up the parental dogsbody and that's no fun. If you have plans to move to a fancier area in 5 years time, then kids will fuck that up as your income will take a serious hit.

If however, you're in your forever location, and are rather introverted careful types who feel like you're already sliding into a middle aged rut (this was us by the way) then kids will be massively energising as they force you to interact with the world.

So kids have added more to our social possibilities than they have taken away. Bit that's very much Personality based.

GinSoakedBarroomQueenInMemphis · 13/10/2016 14:13

Regretting not having a child is nothing set against regretting having one.

I've met two women who admitted they regretted having children. And I know another who, while she won't admit she regrets them, she is certainly disappointed by motherhood. And I know a man who really regrets having children too.

I bet there are many more, but it's one of those awful things people just can't bring themselves to admit.

maggiethemagpie · 13/10/2016 14:16

I think it's one of those things where unless you really really know you want them, you probably don't.

ie ambivalence = no.

Especially as you are now late 30s so plenty of time for the urge to arise.

They are massively hard work, worth it (for me) for the love they give and the joy of being a family but there are many happy childless by choice couples who wouldn't see that as worth it. We are all different.

maggiethemagpie · 13/10/2016 14:17

Sorry I meant, you've HAD plenty of time for the urge to arise. Not you have plenty of time left!

Whisky2014 · 13/10/2016 14:18

My aunt and uncle didnt have an urge and they left it too late but regretted it.

whippetwoman · 13/10/2016 14:21

Well, why not think about it this way.

Small children are hard work, but they do not stay small for very long. I have a 4yo (he's cute) but also a 12 and 14 yo. The older two are just great company. We watch tv together, talk about politics, what we're reading, social media. When we get the chance we go to the cinema or out for a meal.
So maybe one way to think about it is that later on in life you will know some (hopefully) very nice individuals who will be there for you later on, and who you can enjoy on a different level. It's not all about small children or babies, but rather creating future cool and nice people that you will then have a long-term relationship with. People focus on babies and small children but that's just one small part of it. Perhaps it will help to think longer-term. I always wanted children so it's hard to tell, but they do grow up and it's really interesting watching and helping that happen.

Lottapianos · 13/10/2016 14:24

Interesting point about personality Elspeth. DP and I are introverted steady types who love routine and being at home, and it's part of the reason why I think parenthood wouldn't suit us. I don't want to be forced to change, or out of my 'rut', I feel happier with my lifestyle than I ever have done and I love having peace and quiet at home. I feel that having a baby would be like throwing a hand grenade into our lives and I have no desire to do that

2kids2dogsnosense · 13/10/2016 14:24

I read somewhere that before children, someone can feel very happy in their life, but once you have a child it is like going through a one way door into a much bigger brighter world that you didn't previously know existed

It can also be a Gateway to Hell . . .

WeirdAndPissedOff · 13/10/2016 14:28

This is something I've been thinking about a lot recently, and the only thing I can can think is that I'd rather regret not having kids, than have them and regret it or resent them.

It's something you and your DP need to have a long think about together - only you can decide what the right decision is for you.

Whoopiedoo · 13/10/2016 14:30

I felt exactly the same Namechanged I wasn't bothered. Then I got to 2 months before my 40th birthday and started to really freak out about time running out and soon the choice would be taken away from me. I decided to 'see what happens' and a year later found myself pregnant, had my daughter at 42 and 8 months later fell pregnant again. I now have a 3 week old and a 17 month old (i'm 43) and I don't regret it for a moment. It sounds really cliche but my life revolved around work until I was made redundant from a job I worked my butt off in and it suddenly occurred to me how work was my main focus and one day I would retire and what else would I have?

Having children changes your life sooo much! We can't be as spontaneous as we used to be, our once nights out are now nights in with a take-away and bottle of wine and our long haul holidays are gone for the time being but I'm happier and find life is more focused on the little things rather than earning and spending money.

estateagentfromhell · 13/10/2016 15:15

I read somewhere that before children, someone can feel very happy in their life, but once you have a child it is like going through a one way door into a much bigger brighter world that you didn't previously know existed

This is exactly how it was for me, never wanted DCs, then had one and it was as if the sun had come out from behind a cloud. Thing is, I though I was perfectly happy before; didn't even think the sun had been behind a cloud at all.

Arcadia · 13/10/2016 15:18

I would be worried about your relationship surviving if your DH is not fully on board, quite apart from your own feelings. It is impossible to describe how much it changes things.

Arcadia · 13/10/2016 15:19

Sorry to clarify - surviving if you have a baby.

GinSoakedBarroomQueenInMemphis · 13/10/2016 15:22

... I'm child free and I go on holidays to the Maldives. However, I don't drive a sports car and I do watch Corrie and Emmerdale Grin

It is very nice, having disposable income for holidays and meals out (we eat out every week), especially now DH and I are in our forties and have been able to pursue interesting and fairly well-paid careers. BUT if we had wanted children, then this wouldn't have even been a consideration. We'd have had them and given up disposable income.

We had only one reason for not having children, and that was because neither of us felt broody. Money, lifestyle, freedom didn't even come into the decision.

Oysterbabe · 13/10/2016 15:28

I read somewhere that before children, someone can feel very happy in their life, but once you have a child it is like going through a one way door into a much bigger brighter world that you didn't previously know existed

I like this. I was happy child free and think I would have continued to have a happy and fulfilling life had I stayed that way. My husband wanted one, I was 34 and thought ok let's do it, I wasn't desperate for them or anything. DD is 9 months and she's just absolutely wonderful, I didn't know it was possible to love something so intensely. I'd have 10 more if I could :)

GinSoakedBarroomQueenInMemphis · 13/10/2016 15:28

This is exactly how it was for me, never wanted DCs, then had one and it was as if the sun had come out from behind a cloud.

I read somewhere that before children, someone can feel very happy in their life, but once you have a child it is like going through a one way door into a much bigger brighter world that you didn't previously know existed.

Oh I dunno, it felt pretty sunny and bright in the Maldives.

Actually, does it count that I feel exactly the same about my puppy?

[Goes away to contemplate sad cloudy life with no sun and empty hollow uterus]

estateagentfromhell · 13/10/2016 15:30

DCs and holidays in the Maldives aren't mutually exclusive Smile

estateagentfromhell · 13/10/2016 15:32

(have to slum it in a beach villa instead of an over water bungalow until the little blighters turn 12 though)

MitzyLeFrouf · 13/10/2016 15:33

I read somewhere that before children, someone can feel very happy in their life, but once you have a child it is like going through a one way door into a much bigger brighter world that you didn't previously know existed

That's real Hallmark territory.

Swipe left for the next trending thread