to ask if I will regret not having children?

[NameChanged38a]

I am ambivalent.

I am 38, married, but I'm in uni and hoping to start a new career.

And really do not care for children.

Or so I thought. Until I turned 38 and realised my window is closing.

It's better to regret not having a child than to regret having one.

As you're unsure, don't have a child.

I think if you've got to 38 years and you have always been ambivalent about having children then it's unlikely that you will look back with deep regret if you remain childless. Although nothing is for certain.

This. Of course some people do change their minds, but most people who want kids know they want them from quite a young age, I think. Most people know they want them and wait for the right person and circumstances. If you're with the right person and have still never desired children, well.

And to get to 38 without ever wanting children... I don't see what will change between 38 and 48 or 58. It's not like in your 20s when you're still growing up as a person, becoming who you are and experiencing and learning about the world and relationships.

I was like you.
I wasn't fond of having kids.
I was at uni had an apartment with DH.
Then we got pregnant, and at first, I relished in the thought of becoming a parent.
Then the pregnancy was horrific, I got SPD, I was sick up until16 weeks bed bound. Had to rearrange uni lectures etc.

I ended up finishing my second year of uni off and then got PND, the next few months I felt like I had no identity. It was bloody horrible!

I have a lovely adoring nearly 4 year old, and have only just NOW come to terms with my identity and only just gotten into the swing of parenting properly.

I DO NOT WANT ANYMORE CHILDREN.

My point is, if you didn't want kids before, then the chances are, you will regret having a child if you choose to go down that route. I'm not saying that you wouldn't love your child unconditionally, but we are a type of a women who are not destined for motherly instincts you will just look back and think why did I do that. Or, you may realise how fulfilling motherhood can be and completely change your opinions on it.

Well I know how I felt, I wouldn't change anything now, but really... I don't think I should of had kids. Lol.

Yes, fear of missing out is no good reason
I have two DCs, I always wanted children. However, the older they get, the more compromises that have to be made, the more freedoms that are curtailed, and the financial imprisonment that results, well, let's just say I can see more clearly now that a life without DCs is not only possible, but can be very pleasurable! I do love them, of course, but my career, freedom and sanity have all suffered. This is partly due to my choice of partner.

Jules My university was not supportive at all. I saw a nurse who helped me decide what type of child care I would consider after having baby.
Other than that my course leader refused to reply to my emails about having time off for appointments etc.
Not all universities are supportive.

I am 40, was never interested in having children, still not interested in it, never dated anyone who wanted them.

I don't really get the whole "fear of missing out" thing because of a perceived window closing, but I think if you're going to have children it should be a positive choice made with enthusiasm. I can't imagine someone deciding to have them just in case they regret it later. Bizarre.

Are you having these thoughts because you think you should want them? I have a few childless relatives. I have no idea of their circumstances but it's not abnormal to not have them, just more unusual I would say, but that doesn't make it wrong.

And don't go by other people's children. All I ever wanted was to be a mum and couldn't wait. I'm not overly keen on other people's children though. Even the nice ones can get on my nerves a bit.

You will never know, because none of us can say what path our lives would have taken if we had done X rather than Y - or just not done Y at all!

Maybe you will regret not having children - but remember you will be regretting what is really a fairytale of these lovely little jammy-faced bundles of mischief that you and your DP would be smiling fondly at as they lay fast asleep at 6.00pm.

You would not be regretting the reality of sleepless nights, and vomiting bugs and tantrums and worry and more work than you could ever imagine coupled with less sleep than you ever thought you could survive on.

That said, they bring love with them - this is wonderful but it makes you more vulnerable than you have ever been in your life. You are hurt for them and by them.

And you never stop worrying about them.

I think regret may be too strong of a word to use here. This is an emotive subject and way to personal for anyone to actually answer for you.

Will you get to a point where you "wish" you had become a parent? IMO it will be a natural thought process to wonder "what if" for anyone. Whether that will give you a sense of regret is a fifty/fifty guess for the rest of us. Is the sense of regret different for something you DID rather than something you think you should/could have done.

Only you know the reason why you are asking this question. Only you can decide which way to go but it is worth knowing plenty of women have both families and successful careers. It does not have to be either/or.

I felt much like you but decided (eventually) to "risk" trying to get pregnant and see what happened. We made a conscious decision that if I didn't become pregnant, we would not try IVF etc ( I had a history of endometriosis).

I did become pregnant at 37 and 40 and now have 2 amazing sons and recognise how much richer our life is (although not financially), as a family. I read somewhere that before children, someone can feel very happy in their life, but once you have a child it is like going through a one way door into a much bigger brighter world that you didn't previously know existed. This certainly struck a cord with me (although I am still not keen on other people's children!)

I do understand that not everyone feels like this though.

Well, I'm 42, haven't had children and don't regret it.

When I turned 30 I became quite keen to have children, but realised it was more to 'fit in'.
I read up on the pros and cons and decided it wasn't for me.

I don't dislike children. I simply didn't want to take on such a massive responsibility.
I also didn't want my partner, whose job is very tiring, to be getting even more tired than he already does.
Financially things would have been really tight too. I really don't understand when people say "oh don't think about the money...just go for it!"...we have to think about if we can afford house, car, job change....why not something very expensive like a baby?!.. Oh just make yourself poor and stressed out (which won't do the child much good??!)....FGS!!!
I also didn't and don't like the way the world is going and didn't want to bring new life into it.
Friends and relatives who've had children don't seem more happy than us, our lives are just different. They have all found bringing up children more difficult than they thought it would be and not 'nirvana'.
I've been able to travel frequently and learn new creative hobbies, which I really love and get a lot of satisfaction from. I'd rather knit a jumper than create a baby .

It would be impossible for everyone to do absolutely everything that is available to do in life. You just need to try and prioritise what is important to YOU, what would make you happiest and try not to be swayed by what others are picking for themselves, we are all so different. Whatever you choose to do, you will probably miss out on something else you could be doing, there's no way round it!

Some people are not maternal and, I think, don't ever really get that burning desire but they have a baby all the same. My sister in law was like this. Did it because it was the next thing. She loves it now. It's a difficult one because your own baby will feel completely different to any other child. Personally I love the life having kids gives me. It's a whole other world in a way because once you have a baby you then make different friends and go to different placesthen you would have done otherwise. Question is are you content how you are or is something missing? Would you even be asking the question of you were satisfied as you are?

'I read somewhere that before children, someone can feel very happy in their life, but once you have a child it is like going through a one way door into a much bigger brighter world that you didn't previously know existed.'

Hate stuff like that. As though you're not living a full technicolour life until you've had a baby.

More don't seem to regret having them than do.

I agree that no one can answer this question for you etc, but likewise it seems that 38 is a fairly mature age to reach without feeling twingy about babies.

search for 'regret having kids' and it will lead you to the MN thread of those who do. It is unsayable in real life.

if in real doubt - don't.

I know people who don't regret it.

With the technicolor thing, I do think it's somewhat true. Having a child, even giving birth, must be a truly amazing experience. By the very nature of it. Therefore, it can be an equally horrific experience too. Two sides to every coin.
Same with being childless. Some women very much mourn the loss if it's infertility related. Others definitely don't want them. Plenty are undecided, or life takes it's intended course. I really don't believe that only those with the overwhelming urge do / should have kids. The FOMO thing exists just as much for those that got married & had a family, just because you do.

'Don't go and create a whole new human being because of FOMO'

Excellent advice.

I feel your ambivalence OP. I've been struggling hugely with it for the past few years. Its such a huge decision and the consequences of getting it 'wrong' are very scary. Everyone is right though - there is simply no way to know how you will feel in the future. You can only make your decision with the best information you have available now.

Do not underestimate the power of 'should'. Like another poster said, there is enormous cultural pressure to be a parent, its still very much seen as the 'normal' choice. That doesn't in any way mean that its the right or 'normal' choice for everyone. More women than ever are reaching 45 without having children, for all sorts of reasons. So if you choose not to go ahead, you will be in very good company

Having been crippled by ambivalence over the past 5 years or so, I feel I'm coming out the other side. I will be following my gut and not having children. I feel grateful on a daily basis that I don't have children and that I didn't follow the hormonal/societal/cultural pressure to have a baby. I still have wistful moments, and moments of jealousy, but I think that's normal with any big decision.

You're 38. You are keen to start a new career. You don't like children (a perfectly legitimate and understandable viewpoint by the way). Go with your gut.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington....I agree.

I know 2 friends who didn't have children and do regret it. 1 is struggling with her 3rd attempt at ivf but she is fast approaching 50 and her chances are slim. The other has given up and bought a dog or 4 instead.

I also have a few friends who regret having children. Their entire life was turned upside down and those beautiful bright well behaved immaculate children they saw in magazines and tv actually turned out to be anything but.
They gave up their career and entire social life, holidays to far flung places went out the window and any thoughts of a lie in or even having 'your own money' disappears.
Children are expensive, noisy, smelly, unpredictable as well as amazing, intelligent, funny, cuddly, but you have to be 1000% committed to them and that's difficult if you want a high flying career, and your own clothes/shoes/make-up/space etc I swear I had a Radley watch somewhere that looks identical to the one my DD sports on her wrist

You are the only person who can decide for you.
You can read a million books and they will all tell you something different about 'how' children affect your life and how you have to train them, feed them etc. They are all very different and that's part of the fun really.

I could not imagine my life in 30 years time as a pensioner and not having anyone to talk to about my life, not having anyone to share those memories with and to not celebrate fun times with. I would have felt my future was bleak and lonely without children being in my life but you may see it as the perfect opportunity to experience all those wondering things that parents often give up for their children. I'd love a 2 seater sports car and 2 weeks scuba diving in the maldives but there's little chance of that as you really cant get enough car seats into sports cars and the Maldives is boring if you're a child Plus the children have spent every penny I put aside for my sports car too

The Maldives / sports car thing. Drives me insane! Childless folk just don't do this. We have normal lives. Like single people, who choose not to be / just aren't married. We don't travel / have luxury apartments / wear designer clothes. We sit & watch Corrie too!

SallyR0se I think that is the the parents equivalent of childless people regretting not having those angelic perfectly behaved and loveable at all times children.

I know I probably couldn't afford a Maldives holiday if I was childless but because they are such money sucking black holes it FEELS like I could have!

I think everybody is different. My brother is child-free, almost 55 and has no regrets. He enjoys his freedom and is a bachelor and leads a lifestyle most men would dream of. It works for him.

I was never huge on kids but DP is and we were unable to conceive. I never loved kids until I met my sons, who we fell in love with the moment they were born (we adopted at birth). I can't imagine my life without them and for me, I think I would regret it if I had never even thought of adoption after failing to conceive. They are two of the best human beings I've ever met and I love them more with each day and they continue to amaze me and make me proud in equal measures.

My point is that I don't think you can ever really know. If you have niggling feelings, you might regret not exploring them. If you have no feelings either way then you might regret having one.

I would seriously consider looking at adoption. I couldn't imagine myself actually giving birth or anything and when we were looking through adoptions I'd convinced myself we wouldn't find anyone. Like I said, as soon as I saw my DCs I was in love. If you do want a kid, it may be best to adopt an older child. We were 25 when we adopted our sons and were comfortable in our belief we could give them an amazing life and upbringing. At 38 with a career on the go, you might want to consider adopting an older child.

SallyR0se If I didn't have children that is precisely what I would spend my money on instead of toys that no one plays with after 10 minutes, clothes they don't like to wear/grow out of in 2 weeks and the numerous hobbies where I have to stand outside in the rain/snow to cheer along my little darlings.

I would spend every penny I earned on nice holidays and a bloody nice sports car instead of the family friendly child seat fitting lump of a car I have now and a week in a caravan every so often .

By not having children those sorts of things are open to you more readily. You have your income that covers the cost of your own living as an adult which is much cheaper than paying for a family of 5 or 6 every week. I'm just pointing out that some fun things in life would be far more difficult if you have children. Those are my 2 things I would do because I'm shallow and theyre still on my bucket list decades after having my 1st child.