Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if I will regret not having children?

168 replies

NameChanged38a · 13/10/2016 10:44

I am ambivalent.

I am 38, married, but I'm in uni and hoping to start a new career.

And really do not care for children.

Or so I thought. Until I turned 38 and realised my window is closing.

OP posts:
estateagentfromhell · 13/10/2016 15:40

Ironically, I can totally understand where the 'child-free and happy about it' posters are coming from.

I remember, before DCs, how patronised and cross I felt when people tried to tell me how magical parenthood is. I felt like my choices were being dismissed and belittled. If anything it just made me dig my heels in even harder.

I wish there was some way of 'bottling' what it would really be like for someone to have their own DCs (other people's are no comparison) and so to be able to temporarily share it with child-free people.

GinSoakedBarroomQueenInMemphis · 13/10/2016 15:42

estateagentfromhell Grin

Flowers Sorry you have to slum it in a beach villa.

MorriH · 13/10/2016 15:43

Only you know the answer to that one. I was sure I'd never want children - till I met DH.

estateagentfromhell · 13/10/2016 15:44

My struggle is real Smile

maroda16 · 13/10/2016 15:49

I think if you're even thinking that way then you might just be sorry.... It's a tough one to answer, as someone else said you're far more likely to regret the absence of children in your life than the presence of them

Arcadia · 13/10/2016 15:51

I think parenthood is sentimentalised. I have one DD who is 6 and I adore of course, but it is incredibly hard and we certainly couldn't handle any more. It initially nearly destroyed my mental health and my career. I thought I would magically change into another person when I had her but unfortunately I still really crave my own time and peace and quiet, and sometimes resent all the daily grind and demands and restrictions. Makes me sound awful but I am being honest. She is fabulous and I can't imagine being without her now of course, but I wouldn't necessarily urge others into it if they are unsure. ( having said that everyone else I know seems to take to it like a duck to water!).

NataliaOsipova · 13/10/2016 16:44

Hmmm. It's one of those things that is so hard to advise someone about....because I think it's impossible to conceive of how you will feel about your own child. I was never a "kiddie" person and I'm still not....but my two DC are the most fantastic aspect of my life and by far the most fulfilling thing I've ever done. But that's not something o ever "got" by looking at other people and their kids, if you see what I mean....

BowieFan · 13/10/2016 16:52

I'm just back here to prove that parenthood can sometimes be lovely and sometimes awful. Today my kids (and DP) have pissed me right off. Not on purpose, but just irritating me by trying to "help".

I'll go back to loving them soon enough. I still dislike kids by and large (I've no idea why I choose to teach!), but I love my own kids. Having kids didn't change my stance on not liking them, it just made me realise that there are some kids who you will do anything for because they're yours. I never understood that before, but now I do.

museumum · 13/10/2016 16:55

I was ambivalent but tipped a bit more towards the yes. Had ds. Love him to bits but I don't want any more. It's just about possible for me to keep a few other things going (work, marriage, fitness hobby) with one child, though my fitness is far lower my hobby limited and I've given up volunteering. I wouldn't have the emotional energy for another child.

SeasonalVag · 13/10/2016 16:56

I found having children v hard. Now they're seven and five, it's easy and I can't imagine my life without them. But the first few years were, for me, a massive shock and a definitely had regrets for the first year or so. And that child is very precious to me now especially so because "we" went through a tough time at the start.

Squeegle · 13/10/2016 17:19

The daily grind is hard. And the Maldives and children aren't mutually exclusive. Well... for most of us they are. I just can't afford to take my two DCs anywhere glam, or even non glam. A holiday to Majorca for 3 of us in a very non glam hotel was lovely but cost about £2.5k. Can't do that very often.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 13/10/2016 17:29

I never had a burning desire, but for me the thing was my vision of my life in my 60s/70s had a family in it - it always felt like it was the path I should take.

Despite that it took until the biological clock started ticking that I actually did something about it - still not feeling passionately about it and still feeling very scared we were making the wrong choice ruining our perfectly lovely lives and careers.

I was absolutely blindsided by how much I love DS - I remember looking back on the first 3 months with a newborn and thinking 'that has been the best three months of my life' (which I now look back on and wonder why on earth I thought three months of sleep deprivation, feeding problems, colic etc were so joyful!).

Don't regret DS for one single second.

Now expecting DC2 and going through the same anxiety again about whether we are wrecking our lovely balanced family life and plunging ourselves into a whole new round of stress and sleep deprivation! It feels like another big roll of the dice just as DC1 did.

Careforadrink · 13/10/2016 17:46

I know quite a few women who regret not having them. Bitterly in several cases.

I know no one who is a parent and wished they weren't.

MitzyLeFrouf · 13/10/2016 17:49

But it's not the kind of thing people would raise in conversation with another parent is it? It's such a taboo. But there have been several long threads on MN about women who've regretted parenthood.

Chocolatecake12 · 13/10/2016 18:00

If the choice was taken away from you, if someone said - even if you want children you can't have them. How would you feel then?
Life is full of difficult choices, sometime we make the right choices and sometimes we don't but we often cannot change the choices we make.
At your age you do need to decide if you do want to have children, because if it's not an easy road you don't have a whole load of time.
Good luck to you whatever you decide to do.

Mishaps · 13/10/2016 18:04

The world is over-populated so don't add to it unless you are certain it is what you want.

HormonalHeap · 13/10/2016 18:07

The way I would think of it is, do you want to be 'teaching' for the next 18 years? Because to me, parenting is amongst other things, teaching from practically day one towards independence.

I think, hard as it is, you need to look at your life long term, not at the few weeks of sleepless nights. Even though my children are almost adults, I still feel responsible for them.

Dylansmum11 · 13/10/2016 18:08

Really need help and opinions please without judgement. Im currently 10 weeks 4 days pregnant my due date is 8th may 2017. Me and my partner broke up and I slept with someone else in June think it was the end of June. Then me and my partner got back together 8th July went to a wedding 23rd July and had sex I took the morning after pill on the 24th but then we did it again on the 25th July and have done since then without protection what would be my conception date? Is there any possibility that it's the other persons and not my partners. I'm a nervous wreck and it can't be healthy for my baby. I really need an answer please. X

NataliaOsipova · 13/10/2016 18:08

I never had a burning desire, but for me the thing was my vision of my life in my 60s/70s had a family in it - it always felt like it was the path I should take.

This is a good point and worth considering. To state the bleeding obvious, if you don't have children then you don't have grandchildren, so it's a decision that affects your life for more than just the next 18 years.

BreatheInAndOut · 13/10/2016 18:13

It's ok to not want children. Equally it's ok to want them.

Don't be swayed by peer pressure (who knew that it doesn't just affect teens!). But think honestly, is this something you and your husband really want?

If no, there's your answer. Be unapologetic in leading your life the way you want to, kids or no kids. But also be happy with the choice you made.

For me, I wanted children from a very early age and knew that they would feature in my life - so I had them.

No life is perfect, either those with children or without. So never consider the rose tinted version of either lifestyle as it's untrue.

Good luck with whatever you decide though and have some Chocolate for good measure Wink

Lanaorana1 · 13/10/2016 18:23

I'm 48 and I don't regret being child-free. A couple of childless friends have had the odd twinge, but that's about it.

TheNaze73 · 13/10/2016 18:25

Only you can answer that OP. The happiest couple I know are childless, a call they made in their early 30's, both retired at 50 & retired to the South of France last year.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 13/10/2016 18:32

It's a tough one to answer, as someone else said you're far more likely to regret the absence of children in your life than the presence of them

Let me fix that for you:

It's a tough one to answer, as someone else said you're far more likely to be able to express regret at the absence of children in your life than the presence of them.

Whether more people regret not having children than don't we really can't say.

minipie · 13/10/2016 18:47

From what you've said, I advise you not to.

I have 2 DC age 3 and 1. I love them to bits, and now they are here and I know and love them it's impossible to wish them away, but by god is it hard.

There are two things that keep me from regretting it: (1) the fact they will grow up and please god will sleep better and need less hands on care and (2) the fact that I know I really really wanted children. Pre-DC, I wasn't happy without them. The biological urge did kick in for me in a big way. So I know that even though my life would have been more pleasant without them, I would not have been happy.

But it sounds like you don't have (2). If I'd had kids without (2) I think I'd be kicking myself right now - I'd be thinking "I was perfectly happy without kids, why did I go and do this?"

Mouthofmisery · 13/10/2016 19:32

If you haven't missed them so far I think you are probably going to be ok! You have a career, a partner and that sounds great. Children aren't the only source of life satisfaction. You would only regret if you have nothing else you are devoted to. I too was ambivalent. Now I really really miss my career!! Grass is always greener!

Swipe left for the next trending thread