Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My nephew is calling his Mummy's boyfriend Daddy

153 replies

celeste83 · 10/10/2016 23:01

I wrote on here a few weeks ago about how my brother wants nothing to do with his child's family. Long story short his ex ran off with another man when she was 24 weeks pregnant. The child will be 4 in January and is openly calling his Mummy's boyfriend 'Daddy'. My brother is absolutely gutted by this. He says everytime he drops off the child to his mother the child asks his Mummy where 'Daddy' is? His Mother makes no attempt to correct him and just shrugs it off saying its difficult to explain to the child that this other man is not his Father. Is she being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Pisssssedofff · 10/10/2016 23:10

More information required

Original poster
celeste83 · 10/10/2016 23:11

Ask away Wine

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 10/10/2016 23:13

So your brother has regular contact? Why doesn't he explain that the other man is not his daddy, why leave it up to the ex, as it seems unlikely she will.

steff13 · 10/10/2016 23:16

Well, I can see both sides, I think. The other man has been in the boy's life since before he was born. Your brother is biologically the boy's father, but he probably spends an equal amount of time or more with the other guy. To him, they may both be daddy.

steff13 · 10/10/2016 23:17

But, you can take my opinion with a grain of salt; I've never had a step parent or been a step parent before.

Original poster
celeste83 · 10/10/2016 23:17

He has regular contact and his name is on the birth certificate. He says its been going on for a few months now, everytime he drops off his child, but he didn't want to bring to our family's attention as we have a niece and another senior family member who are both very poorly with cancer. He told me today. I could tell he was down about something so I finally got it out of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
celeste83 · 10/10/2016 23:19

He spends far more time with this other guy purely because father's get minimum access in UK law (fortnightly), and yes this other man has been in his life since he was born.

OP posts:
Liiinoo · 10/10/2016 23:22

First of all absolute kudos to your brother for still being in contact with his DS under these circumstances. So many fathers (including mine) lose touch with their DCs after a separation. He is obviously a great dad.

What does your nephew call your brother? If he is also calling him Dad or Daddy or some such I wouldn't worry too much. Children are very adaptable. If this has been his norm he will have no problem accepting he has two daddies - the real one and the one that lives with him and Mummy. That might be hard for your brother to accept but to have two loving dad figures is not a bad thing for his son.

If he isn't calling your brother by a proper dad-type name I would be more concerned. As a PP said, a bit more info might make things clearer.

Original poster
celeste83 · 10/10/2016 23:25

This other man now has another child with said mother, aka my nephew's sibling. Its all a great mess to be honest but I just wanted to get a feeler if you think by 4 years old if they should be by now bringing up the child to understand who his father is? My brother hates arguing wth his ex in front of the child but my brother is completely shut out by his ex's family and his ex has minimal contact with him, only when they pick up/drop off.

OP posts:
Pisssssedofff · 10/10/2016 23:27

Sounds like happy families then. Tbh at the age of 4 I think your brother should keep quiet tbh, it'll upset the little one, he's too young to understand and the last thing he needs is to upset the apple cart. When the boy is older he can be told.

icanthavepityforsnakes · 10/10/2016 23:29

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news OP but there's nothing he can do about it :( my stepkids were made to call their mums boyfriend dad from about a month after she met him. It was all for spite but it never went away.
They got bollocked for not calling him dad (even in conversations in front of their actual dad) and actually got GROUNDED for asking to call me mum Sad

Original poster
celeste83 · 10/10/2016 23:30

Yes the child calls my brother 'daddy' too. Child's mother has also written this other guy has the child's father on hospital, surgury, nursury forms. My brother and his ex recently took the child for a hospital check up only to be told by the doctor that another man was written down as the child's father. She says its a mistake on behalf of the hospital, nursury, etc.

OP posts:
Atenco · 10/10/2016 23:35

I suppose your brother would do well to look at what is best for his son, because that is the important person here. So he has a son with a mother and two dads, as long as the other man is kind to the child, there are worst things in the world.

HerRoyalNotness · 10/10/2016 23:38

He's not too young to understand, it's better that he knows from the get go what the situation is, then it isn't a big deal. It sounds like the ex is trying to whitewash your brother out of the family. I'd be fuming about the forms at hospital etc. Fine if she wants her DP as an emergency contact, but he shouldn't be down as father.

I say this as someone who did not see my father from age 2-26 as my mother replaced him and I grew up calling someone else 'dad'

harrypotternerd · 10/10/2016 23:41

my kids call my partner daddy. It was their choice and they know who their biological father is. They call both him and my partner daddy. They came out one day and asked if they could. We said it was up to them and if they wanted to they could. This doesn't mean they dont love their biological father any less.

Original poster
celeste83 · 10/10/2016 23:41

The other guy is on the sex offenders register for sexual assult but thats another story altogether.

My brother said to me today he sometimes wishes he took his friend's advice at the time of his ex running off with another man; the advice to wash his hands of the child before child was born. He hates being portrayed as the bad guy who remonstrates against things like this and sometimes thinks it would best for the child not have all this going on in the background. This breaks my heart Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
celeste83 · 10/10/2016 23:45

My brother is a smart guy, and has a good career, and he sometimes bemoans that he is stuck in this stituation and that he can't move away somewhere afresh. I'm concerned he will eventually lose the will against the tide the mother is seemingly taking this child down.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/10/2016 23:45

Does your brother have parental responsibility because if he does he needs to march into the nursery, GP and hospital with a copy of the birth certificate and get this sorted out. And it sounds like nephew will be starting school soon (next year?) - he needs to be on top of this too. Schools have a duty to communicate directly with everyone with PR.

Why does he only get contact every 2 weeks? Is there more to this story?

madgerussell1920 · 10/10/2016 23:47

We have a similar situation in my family where a child has two mummys.
He chose to call the other person mummy but it doesn't exclude his natural mother. Now he's older he understands the situation but has no problem with it.
There are so many different types of family these days that it really seems not be a problem.
If the natural father, or mother, isn't happy with this they could always choose to be called by a different name like dad, mum, mamma, papa or whatever they prefer.

Mindfields · 10/10/2016 23:47

Of course he calls the man he's lived with since birth Dad or Daddy. I'd think it was odd if he didn't to be honest especially as there is another child now on the scene. What's he supposed to do, call him "Fred" (obviously substitute real name here) whilst the other child calls him daddy?

I can understand why it's hard for your brother to hear that the fact is the stepfather is indeed 'dad' to your nephew.

As long as he calls your brother dad too then it's not disowning his bio father.

Original poster
celeste83 · 10/10/2016 23:47

He gets access every fortnight because that is very much the way custodial access goes for the non-resident parent when the children are young. He has his own flat to bring the child back to by the way.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 10/10/2016 23:53

apart from the revelation this mans on the sex offenders register(gross)

what does he really expect u cant teach a baby not to call this man daddy

my sister mt someone when her ds was 2 he started calling him by his first name it then merged into daddy-he says he has 2 dads

Careforadrink · 11/10/2016 00:29

If this man has been around his entire life, they live together and the child now has a sibling I think it's completely normal for the child to call him daddy.

As long as your brother can be daddy too then I think it's best to let this go. It's about what the child wants and by the sounds of it he's happy.

RosieSW · 11/10/2016 00:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpareASquare · 11/10/2016 00:54

I don't see the big deal, especially if your DB is 'daddy' as well. This man has been in your nephews life since birth. All concerned should be glad the child is loved by so many.

I have 2 nieces that choose to call their stepmother 'mum'. Granted, they are older but they love both 'mums' and have an unbreakable bond with their mother that isn't changed because they love, and are loved by another important person in their life