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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My nephew is calling his Mummy's boyfriend Daddy

153 replies

celeste83 · 10/10/2016 23:01

I wrote on here a few weeks ago about how my brother wants nothing to do with his child's family. Long story short his ex ran off with another man when she was 24 weeks pregnant. The child will be 4 in January and is openly calling his Mummy's boyfriend 'Daddy'. My brother is absolutely gutted by this. He says everytime he drops off the child to his mother the child asks his Mummy where 'Daddy' is? His Mother makes no attempt to correct him and just shrugs it off saying its difficult to explain to the child that this other man is not his Father. Is she being unreasonable here?

OP posts:

Toffeelatteplease · 11/10/2016 08:14

He didn't get minimall access because the courts are shit to dads. He got it because his living and workinh arrangements are what works for him not what works for shared care.

But apparently it's the family courts and ex'so fault

Ausernotanumber · 11/10/2016 08:14

Why is your brother not going for more context? In fact, why isn't he going for residency or whatever it's called now, surely he would have a good chance given that the other man is on the sex offenders register?

mixety · 11/10/2016 08:15

I think your nephew might just grow out of calling his step dad Daddy. At the moment he is very young, and almost certainly not thinking about it rationally or at all. He is likely just calling him daddy because that is how he hears him referred to because of his sibling. He is also calling your brother daddy. I imagine as he gets older he might start thinking more about his identity and who his actual parents are and stop calling his step dad Daddy.

My DP got called daddy by his son's half sister (ie his ex's child with new partner) for a while! Purely because his son always talked about him and obviously called him daddy, so as she was learning to talk she started referring to him as daddy too, she would see quite a bit of him at drop offs/pickups/birthdays etc. Now in this situation everyone would laugh and gently correct her, which is the better way to do things. But if no one is doing that at your brother's ex's house and he doesn't have a good relationship with them, there is realistically nothing he can do about that.

I don't think he should tell his son not to call him daddy as if he is being in any way pressured to do so by his mum/step dad it will just confuse him and put him in a difficult situation which he is too young to understand. Tough as it might be he needs to grit his teeth and put his child before his own emotions, even though I'm sure it is upsetting for him.

Original poster

celeste83 · 11/10/2016 08:15

How is he supposed to get access of a young child midweek unless he finishes work at say 4 oclock and get to pick him up in like ten minutes? No court would entertain it as its too close to teatime/bedtime routine. Its not easy to get another job these days that pays enough and gives flexible hours.

OP posts:

Ausernotanumber · 11/10/2016 08:16

And the ex is doing nothing wrong having minimal contact with your brother. That's what I did with my ex - it avoids a lot of stress and potential conflict situations.

Why does your brother think he has to meet the other man or have contact with her family? That's weird. I've never seen my ex family since we split and it would be really odd if they wanted to see me and I would say no.

Ausernotanumber · 11/10/2016 08:18

can he not cook?

He sounds a bit learned helplessness, passive, and wanting the world on a plate tbh.

Original poster

celeste83 · 11/10/2016 08:23

I repeat i dont want to dwellon SO issue, but to put it in the wider context as most are asking, said man brought a girl back to his place (before he met nephew's mummy) and then sent a text apologising for raping her. Went to court and was found guilty of sexual assult. There you got it out of me. Can we get back onto the topic please?

And of course he can cook. Whats that got to do with anything? lol

OP posts:

Ausernotanumber · 11/10/2016 08:26

Why has your brother not gone for full residency with access for the mother given that?

Well, surely he can cook tea then? That's what it has to do with anything. You're making excuses. How do you think those of us who worked full time when we had kids that age managed to do 80 min commute home, pick up kids from child minder 10 mins home from minder make tea ?

pregnantat50 · 11/10/2016 08:26

I dont want to minimise the impact this has on your brother but its just a name at the end of the day. Up until the age of 5 I used to call both my parents mum or dad and I mean I might call my dad, mum and vice versa. I just thought it meant someone who cared and loved you. My parents told me about this when I was older. Your brothers son loves both of them and the little lad has 2 dads that love him, which is wonderful. x

Toffeelatteplease · 11/10/2016 08:27

Many Resident mums find their career and income severely restricted as a result of their decision to be a resident parent.

Fact is if you're not looking after your child someone else is eg nursery other parent child minder etc . No shame in that.

But generally a good idea to be respectful to the person who is when you can't or wont. Because often the child appreciates the sacrifice even if you don't

Butteredpars1ps · 11/10/2016 08:27

OK I don't think your DB is unreasonable to be upset, but he needs to see this from his Son's world.

The man who has been his main male role model and carer since birth is now Father to a younger child. If the younger child calls him Dad, but your Nephew had to call him Step Dad or by his name, the chances are that he would feel pushed out - at a time when he needs to feel secure.

Original poster

celeste83 · 11/10/2016 08:27

I agree with Cashelgirl that it would be unsettling for child to be told by one parent and told different by the other parent. I just think its wrong to raise a child thinking another man is his daddy.

OP posts:

Toffeelatteplease · 11/10/2016 08:29

FFS you brother really is a death beat letting his son live with that. the court case should never have been about pick up times

Original poster

celeste83 · 11/10/2016 08:30

Do you really have to repeatedly call my brother a dead beat father? He didn't ask for this situation.

OP posts:

BombadierFritz · 11/10/2016 08:31

plenty of men would make the effort to for example finish at 4. women do it all the time no praise. that is a poor excuse. if your brother just likes to play the poor me card without trying for a midweek night even, shame on him

BombayBonsai · 11/10/2016 08:31

Celeste you aren't painting your brother in the best light here. If he had genuine concerns there are things he can do about it. If he wanted his child more he'd figure it out. I was a single Mum for almost 5 years and managed. I made sacrifices and took on a second job that was of no financial benefit to me to get the experience I needed to get into another job which worked better for me and DD.

My point is - if you think something is in the best interests of your child you'll always find a way if you want to. The flipside is you can sit and moan about it whilst doing nothing to actually change the situation. I'm not wanting it to come across as harsh but it very much seems to me like your brother likes to sound off about the situation but in practical terms won't really do anything to change it.

Maybe it's time you got a bit tougher and laid it out to your brother. Sometimes people need a bit of tough love to give them the kick up the backside they need.

Liiinoo · 11/10/2016 08:33

Unless your DB is a toxic or abusive presence in his son's life (and he quite clearly isn't) it will not be better for DB to disappear from his life. My own biological father bowed out of my life when I was 3/4. I am in my fifties now and still working through the feelings of loss/lack of self esteem/abandonment.

Think about it - your brother is depressed and has trust issues because a girlfriend left him when he was an adult. How much more of an impact do you think a parent leaving his child might have?

Original poster

celeste83 · 11/10/2016 08:33

omg how can he have a decent job to provide financial support to his child and also demand from the company to give flexible hours???

OP posts:

Ausernotanumber · 11/10/2016 08:34

Celeste. People do it all the time. It's called being a parent.

Crystal15 · 11/10/2016 08:36

You sound way over invested in this. Of course he calls him Daddy. If he's there as part of the family unit and raises him like a son then he is his Daddy too. What's important is the child feels loved.

BelladiNotte · 11/10/2016 08:38

My niece, at 4, gave me her explanation of the difference between her Dad and her Daddy. "My Dad put his seed into Mummy, but my Daddy grows me"
She's now 14 and both her Dad and her Daddy are still in her life. she knows who she's talking about, and so do we. NO problems there for anyone.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 11/10/2016 08:40

omg how can he have a decent job to provide financial support to his child and also demand from the company to give flexible hours???

Plenty of resident parents manage it.

We only have your description of him, and like a PP said, you aren't painting him in a positive light. He sounds totally useless, the fact that it's you posting on here instead of him is quite telling.

He needs to step up and provide a suitable environment for his child, see him more often and take responsibility for himself. Sadly men like that never do.

BombadierFritz · 11/10/2016 08:50

so many people want to work flexibly that it is actually 'a thing' everyone has a right to request
www.gov.uk/flexible-working/applying-for-flexible-working

gamerwidow · 11/10/2016 08:58

Leaving aside the other issues I don't see a problem with your nephew calling both of them dad if that's what he wants to do. My mum met my step dad when I was 6 at the age of about 8/9 I chose to call him dad because he felt like a dad.
I do agree it's a bit of a double standard with step mums but I think it's because they're not usually with the RP. I would be less surprised at a step mum being called mum if the dad was the RP.

MrTCakes · 11/10/2016 09:11

Sounds to me like he is making excuses to cut contact altogether.
He only gets to see the child once a fortnight but hasn't done anything about it.
My exh is an idiot most of the time but he manages to see ds2 every other weekend and arranges to finish work early one day during the week to see him for a few hours. He lives in another town.
Parents do this for their children. Your brother seems to want to play the victim.

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