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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My nephew is calling his Mummy's boyfriend Daddy

153 replies

celeste83 · 10/10/2016 23:01

I wrote on here a few weeks ago about how my brother wants nothing to do with his child's family. Long story short his ex ran off with another man when she was 24 weeks pregnant. The child will be 4 in January and is openly calling his Mummy's boyfriend 'Daddy'. My brother is absolutely gutted by this. He says everytime he drops off the child to his mother the child asks his Mummy where 'Daddy' is? His Mother makes no attempt to correct him and just shrugs it off saying its difficult to explain to the child that this other man is not his Father. Is she being unreasonable here?

OP posts:

Manumission · 11/10/2016 01:03

The other guy is on the sex offenders register for sexual assult but thats another story altogether.

Biggest drip feed EVER.

But leaving that escalation aside; The boy will be copying his half-sibling, who naturally calls the two adults in the house 'mummy and daddy' (or adults will refer to them as such to the youngest).

Your DN is just processing it all and slitting in to the growing family. If he knows his dad, he won't be confused.

UK courts don't automatically give fathers 'minimal, fortnightly' contact either. I have no idea where you get that from.

A family that split during pregnancy is bound to face challenges. Roll with the easy stuff.

Shouldn't you be posting, thinking asking about the sex offender allegations, and I ONLY the SO allegations!?!

Mindfields · 11/10/2016 01:07

Your posts are a little confusing.

"I wrote on here a few weeks ago about how my brother wants nothing to do with his child's family"

followed by:

"but my brother is completely shut out by his ex's family"

Manumission · 11/10/2016 01:07

My brother is a smart guy, and has a good career, and he sometimes bemoans that he is stuck in this stituation and that he can't move away somewhere afresh.

He sounds like a deadbeat dad in waiting.

Reluctant, not committed.

I'm concerned he will eventually lose the will against the tide the mother is seemingly taking this child down.*

Sorry, what??

Oswin · 11/10/2016 01:26

Now i honestly would be devastated if my dd called someone else mommy.
But I'm not sure what the right thing to do would be.

If this man has lived with him since birth and is with him most the time and the sibling calls him daddy it will be natural for the child to say daddy.

Awful for your brother but maybe good for the child.

Can you speak to your brother and try present this as a positive. That this man is there for his son like he is.

I don't like your comments about giving up.
Nothing really bad is happening.

Just your brother having his feelings hurt.
If he walked away because of that, if that was my brother I would disown him.

Oswin · 11/10/2016 01:27

He can't move somewhere fresh because he has a child.

He is not a victim here and I think he needs to stop thinking about how he feels and concentrate on his child.

Balanced12 · 11/10/2016 01:34

Sounds like your DB is full of poo, the UK default is 50/50 if that's what he wants and isn't happening he should get back to court.

Also plenty of children have two dad's.

Why shouldn't the man fulfilling the full time father role be referred to as Dad ? (He has had the role since birth and is the other child's dad)

TBH I suspect your brother is telling stories about the mean mother to keep his family on side, (yes exh tells his family I don't let him see the kids, truth is he doesn't turn up, his family have never asked for independent contact / been in touch ).

NeedsAsockamnesty · 11/10/2016 01:40

Are you the poster from a few weeks back whose brother wanted to just stop paying CM because his ex pissed him off and you thought she was so dreadful and he was so lovely it was a brilliant plan?

GreatFuckability · 11/10/2016 02:05

children will copy what they hear around them, if he hears his sibling and mother refer to this man as daddy, he will just copy. it happens.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 11/10/2016 02:52

Yeah there's definitely more to this and I suspect the D Bro is not as pure as the driven fucking snow that the OP is trying to make out.

FleurThomas · 11/10/2016 05:48

If other man is a sex offender then your brother could sue for full/more access right?

heron98 · 11/10/2016 06:24

I don't have kids so feel free to ignore me but what's wrong with the boy calling them both daddy? The more the merrier. If he has two men in his life who love him and are raising him that's a good thing.

Optimist3 · 11/10/2016 06:37

I think it's fine for son to call them both daddy. Your brothers the blood dad and the other is a day to day dad. The son is lucky to have two male figures who clearly love him.

The sex offenders post was very alarming though. More details needed.

Toffeelatteplease · 11/10/2016 06:51

DC called DP dad. It was natural he lived with us did a lot of the "Dad-ing". It just happened

DCs natural dad got upset, made them feel bad about it. I then read a lot mostly on here about how it was meant to be confusing for kids, so DP and I made a concerted effort to ensure it didn't happen.

(By contast They were forced to call step mum mum; I told DCS I was fine with that call them whatever made their life easier. Made DCs feel much more comfortable about the whole thing, didn't make their relationship with step mum any better because she didn't really do much mum-ming)

Several years later guess who made an unexpected rapid exit from their lives and who is is still there quietly doing his bit? Now my kids call no one dad (the time had passed really) and I find that quite sad.

I wouldn't stop a kid from calling whomever they want whatever. The real measure of a Dad is whether they are still there in the long run doing the Dading. If it was my brother I'd telling him to get on with being a presence in the kids life, at school medical appointment school etc. and emotionally. If 50/50 is appropriate he should be getting on and asking for it (although Im often unconvinced by the idea). yes it might be awkward for your brother but if other people and institutions see him being a dad it's amazing how quickly they will get on side.

Who's called Dad makes less difference than who is Dad, and who still is Dad ten years down the line.

Kids know that.

Toffeelatteplease · 11/10/2016 06:56

on the sex offenders thing using it to disparage mum is quite ridiculous.

If there is a genuine welfare concern your brother needs to take it through social services and court to take residency himself.

Otherwise you all need to let it go, His ex may be living with a sex offender but your brother is the one letting it happen. That really doesn't reflect well on your brother.

Goingtobeawesome · 11/10/2016 06:57

What does the child call his biological father?

Chewingthecrud · 11/10/2016 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ayeokthen · 11/10/2016 07:09

DP has been around for more than half DS1s life, he's done more for him in a month than his bio dad in nearly 10 years. If he ever asked to call DP dad I wouldn't stop him, but that's because DP has stepped up for 5 years and been there day in day out. He's down as an emergency contact but as stepdad. DS knows he's one of his parents, and if he ever needs a "dad" thing, it's DP he chooses to go to. That said, it sounds like your brother's situation is different. You can't just paint a father out of their child's life with no reason. As for the new "dad" having SO history can't your brother inform SS?

ayeokthen · 11/10/2016 07:11

Toffeelatteplease I suspect DS1 "dad" will do a bunk too, and DP will be the one there too. I love the way you put it, my DP quietly does all the "Dad-ing" while XH lurches from Disney dad to deadbeat dad whenever the mood takes him.

Skittlesss · 11/10/2016 07:19

If he is on the SOR then he will have had to make the police aware and SS will have made sure all was ok. Sounds like an excuse your brother is using to make his ex sound bad. She will have had a disclosure of his previous offence/s and has decided that he is ok to be around.

Your brother needs to apply for more access to his child... if that's what he wants. You don't only get fortnightly access at all. He's lying to you.

reallyanotherone · 11/10/2016 07:23

I love the double standards that it's fine for a step dad to be daddy.

Any suggestion that a step mum is called mummy is met with total horror, they already have a mum, put a stop to it immediately, explain to the child, she is not their mum and who does she think she is etc. Even if the mum is not resident and doesn't see or contribute to the child, the "mum" title is sacred.

Dad, who cares, it's just whoever spends the most time with the kid.

BombayBonsai · 11/10/2016 07:25

I think I remember your last thread. You seem to mould the story to fit the agenda. It's clear you don't like the woman, you don't have to like her. If your brother has a genuine welfare concern then there are channels he needs to go down but he won't will he?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/10/2016 07:26

I love the double standards that it's fine for a step dad to be daddy.

Any suggestion that a step mum is called mummy is met with total horror

I completely agree

Original poster

celeste83 · 11/10/2016 07:28

Thanks for the feedback, negative as much as positive.

Firstly, I only mentioned the sex offender bit because someone asked what this other man was like. He is on the sex offenders register. Other than that my brother really knows little about him. Only met him once and even then the guy was sat in the car. Never been invited to the house to see where the child lives. Also never been introduced to his child's sibling who is almost 3 years old now.

When i said that he wants nothing to do with her family, he found out by reading the newspaper about the rape trial. The family kept it secret from him. He very much felt very let down by the family over that episode but to be honest the only times he has seen the family is once or twice a year when dropping off/picking up. Its just that my brother chooses to not even get into small talk with the family.

When i said db sometimes thinks its better for the child not to have had his real father in his life, i honestly think my brother has been quite severely depressed since all this happened four years ago. He's lost a lot of his spark, he's offloaded a lot of friends and now only has 2 or 3 close friends. He's generally very quiet these days and keeps his feeling from me and Mum. He's had one or two girlfriends since but from what i can understand he now has trust issues. He's had quite a lot to deal with; pregnant ex running off with another man, finding out his child is living with someone who was on trial for rape. He wasn't even allowed to meet his child until he was 5 days old. He literally had to fight to be part of this child's life through the legal route as he was being afforded even less access than he currently has beforehand. He works 9-5 monday-friday to support his child, pay for a flat to bring child back to, but he lives in a different town to the child so its not really doable to have midweek access hence the contact he got awarded. He has saved nearly £6k in a savings account for my nephew which he adds every month. He's very much not a deadbeat father, i think he just feels his child has been stolen from him. He told me yesterday that he feels nothing more than a babysitter which is why i am worried that he may just feel that the child does not need him

OP posts:

BombayBonsai · 11/10/2016 07:29

really my DD sometimes calls DP Dad. Sometimes by his name. She asked of she could and I told her it was up to her. I suspect it will move solely to Dad when her sister comes along (currently pregnant)

Her Dad isn't involved in her life. My DP is her Dad in every way but blood. Situations reversed I wouldn't even know who was called what and she would have every right to call the woman raising her Mum if she wanted.

What's the problem with that? She knows she has another Dad who she doesn't see.

abbsismyhero · 11/10/2016 07:30

If he was a sex offender would he even be allowed to live there?

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