My nephew is calling his Mummy's boyfriend Daddy

[celeste83]

I wrote on here a few weeks ago about how my brother wants nothing to do with his child's family. Long story short his ex ran off with another man when she was 24 weeks pregnant. The child will be 4 in January and is openly calling his Mummy's boyfriend 'Daddy'. My brother is absolutely gutted by this. He says everytime he drops off the child to his mother the child asks his Mummy where 'Daddy' is? His Mother makes no attempt to correct him and just shrugs it off saying its difficult to explain to the child that this other man is not his Father. Is she being unreasonable here?

Your brother isn't coming over in the greatest of lights because

1. You're complaining about the courts and the limited time he got without recognising your brother's role in letting that happen.

2. you are complaining about the man your nephew lives with without recognising your brother's responsibility for letting that happen.

3. You are talking about providing financially for a child without recognising first an foremost a parent keeps a child safety and providing for a child (with the limitations on income and career) may be secondary.

You are busy bothering with a name of soneone you and your brother know precious little about, when a real dad would get on with the doing regardless of whether they or anyone else was actually called dad

omg how can he have a decent job to provide financial support to his child and also demand from the company to give flexible hours???
Said every parent ever. It is about making sacrifices.

omg how can he have a decent job to provide financial support to his child and also demand from the company to give flexible hours???

The same way EVERYONE ELSE does? My partner and I both work full time and have a 1 year old. We use a childminder. There are also after school clubs, and breakfast clubs for school aged children. I start work very early and finish slightly early so that I can get dinner on the table by 6:30. It would be a piece of piss to do similar in most jobs. DB could even arrange to work 8-4 on Tuesday and then 10-6 on Wednesday to facilitate a midweek night in many 9-5 jobs.

What is it you want OP? You've slaughtered Mum and Step Dad. Posters have advised what your brother can do but your attitude is basically he can't, it's not possible. It reads as he won't, and he isn't prepared to try.

You are the same as your brother. You'll moan about how unfair it is but you won't accept that THE ONLY person with the ability to make any change in this situation is your brother. Nothing is going to change.

Maybe tell your brother to step up or suck it up. They are the only two options he has at this point.

Oh come one.
Ou lot are really harsh on that guy.

The Op's brother DID go to court to get access to his child. He IS involved in his child life and is paying maintenance. He IS planning ahead for his son and is saving money for him, for the future, whatever it could be.
So what are all saying?
That he should also move town to be closer to his child. Because finding another job is just as easy as that isn't it?
That he should fight with the Courts so that, what? He has the child full time and his mother only EOW because she is living with a rapist? Even though SS have evaluated that the situation is OK? Because it's all so easy and no you are never allowed to be feel downbeat by it?

I suspect that you are all up in arms saying he didn't try hard enough when actually the issue is that this guy tried but YES it is harder for a father to get 50/50 or full care of his son when he never had him full time with him (by default, they separated when the mother was pg).
That he should have been going round nursery, GPs etc... To check that he is named as the father. Because, of course, the default assumption should be that the mother can't be trusted (I'm sure a lot of mothers here would be delighted if their ex was doing that )...

OP I'm not sure what is the rigth answer to that.

• Re the child calling his step father 'daddy'', I'm not sure he can do a lot. As some posters pointed out, he might have done that because he is copying his sibling, because he has been told to do so, because he chose to do so.

What your Dbro can do is to explain the difference between a 'daddy' and a 'father' and explain that he will ALWAYS be his father, that it is something that will never ever change as well as explaining the blood link between them. Maybe too, if that's the reality, about how as his father, he very much wanted a child and that's why he is here. What he can't do is to go down there route of 'I love you more than Him' or 'I'm more important than him' because that guy will be a very big part of his son's life.

• re how much time he is spending with him, I think he needs to think carefully about how much he wants to be involved with his son and get some good, strong legal advice. Courts will not have been happy to leave the child with him, even 50/50 when he was a baby but this is not the case anymore so can be reviewed. As to how much time he can get with his son, I'm not sure but that's what a SHL (shit hot lawyer) can tell him.

Celeste. People do it all the time. It's called being a parent.

This and other comments are just dripping in condescension. I procurator enjoyed the one suggesting it was obvious the brother doesn't really care because he's not the one seeking advice on Mumsnet.

What everyone making these scathing judgments forgets is that all those sacrifices and arrangements are easier to sort out if you're the resident parent. The brother doesn't appear to be in any kind of decision-making position as regards his son. In theory, yes, butninnoraxtical terms it usually doesn't work that way. Ffs, the mum is even listing her boyfriend as his dad even though the boyfriend has no legal responsibility for the child.

I'm surprised the brother is being called a deadbeat. There's no evidence for it.

Btw not all jobs and all companies are happy to offer flexi hours.

I was made redundant because I asked for that (And no it wasn't said like this and yes it was done when I was on ML preparing to go back to my old job. Illegal? yes. Unusual, I'm not so sure)

scared I think what alot of posters are saying is that if their child was living with a sex offender they'd move heaven and earth to ensure their child's safety. In that respect, no. I don't think he has done or is doing enough.

But we have no idea at all about how hard it has been for him to get the EOW stuff in place in the first place.
It is far from easy because the child will have been a baby and the Courts aren't happy to have the child spend that much time away from 'their primary carer' at that age.
he might well have been completely crushed by the toll that fight has taken on him. And he won't have been the first one.

What I don't agree with is to say he is less than nothing when he is doing as much as he can and has been involved in his child life right from the start. It's not someone who walked away from his child (whihc he could easily have done). It's not someone who didn't fight to see his child either.
So to describe him the way some posters have is sorry.

I think there is a lot of projection going on on this thread.

What your Dbro can do is to explain the difference between a 'daddy' and a 'father' and explain that he will ALWAYS be his father,

don't do this.

Ex did this to the kids, upset them and made them feel very bad at time. It's just words. Means shockingly little. Actually doing it is what matters.

I have a DS with an ex. He calls my DH Dad sometimes. and we let him get on with it. He knows who is Dad is and fully understands the whole step-parent logistics but refers to DH as Dad still. It's not my place to tell him not to use that term; if he and DH are happy it's their relationship that matters.

Ex wasn't impressed that DS calls DH Dad sometimes, and on the reverse I'd be slightly miffed if he referred to Ex's partner as Mum. I wouldn't post on here about getting him to stop because, frankly, what I want or need matters less than what DS1 needs. In truth I'm thankful beyond measure that he has a step mum he loves, who loves him.

When it comes to step families there's no hard and fast rules, only what works for yours. If your DB is unhappy with the situation he should speak to them about it. Doing nothing isn't going to help his bond with his DS.

The flip side of that is neither do we know that he has done or is doing all he can. It's open to interpretation. I don't read that he has. Nor do I think he is less than nothing.

It doesn't take away from the fact that if he isn't prepared to continue fighting he can't really expect anything to change unless his ex changes things which doesn't sound likely.

scaredfuture99 - well said, I agree completely with your post

omg how can he have a decent job to provide financial support to his child and also demand from the company to give flexible hours???

That's the balance that all parents have to strike, isn't it?

Don't you have DC? You do sound quite young.

You complain that UK courts shortchange fathers routinely (they don't) but squeal that he can't possibly rearrange a small portion of his working schedule to allow ANY more contact than the fortnightly schedule you were complaining about.

You mention he stepfather has a record for sexual offences and then get huffy that this attracts interest and tell us all to move on from that subject.

You tell us he is upset that his son keeps him geographically tied, that he wants to move away but then protest that he mustn't be criticised f that half-arsed attitude to parenting.

Are you very young or just lacking life experience? What do you want us all to say? WHAT?

ScaredFuture99 I couldn't agree more. fgs the mother fucked off at 24 weeks pregnant and shacked up with another man yet it is the Dad who is a deadbeat?

The only deadbeat here is the woman who allows her child to call another man 'Dad' when he has a Dad. That is in no way the best for that child, not in any circumstance. The first time he called the step dad 'dad' he should have been told 'no, xx is not your dad, x is your dad'.

Your nephew is being raised by another man, if it makes him feel more secure or part of the family with his 1/2 sibling to call the man Daddy why not? The man is and will continue to be more of a father figure to him than his bio-dad who makes an appearance once a fortnight unless your db changes things.

If you brother wants to be a dad to his son he has bigger things to deal with than what his son calls his step-dad. At this age the £6k in the bank would be better spent on a car and/or childcare to facilitate mid week access.

Has he been trying over the last 4 years to change his lifestyle to accommodate more access? Has he tried for more access? Has he tried to move to the town his son stays in so have can get involved in schooling etc? Being involved will get more important as his son gets older.

Sorry to say, if he hasn't seriously tried, I think the current arrangement suits your db fine he just likes playing the martyr. If he wants to be a dad time to grow up.

The first time he called the step dad 'dad' he should have been told 'no, xx is not your dad, x is your dad'.

"Should" isn't much help, though, is it? She didn't do that.

OP can't control what the mum doe, neither can her brother.

He can control what HE does; Step up to the best contact schedule he can manage, Be a good present, involved father and stop whinging about being tied to the area.

Are you the poster from the other week that said your db should have custody so that he didn't have to pay maintainance and could get a bigger place to live??

Wait a minute, has OP said he sees him literally one day a fortnight or that contact is fortnightly, ie EOW? I don't like the comments saying a stepfather is more of a father if the father is NRP and contact is EOW ie fortnightly.

the mother fucked off at 24 weeks pregnant and shacked up with another man yet it is the Dad who is a deadbeat?

^ this.

I don't think people are sticking up for the Mum though to be honest. But it's not the Mum that we are talking to. It's the Dads sister so the comments are naturally centred around what he can/should do or look into.

Nothing wrong with both being Dad.
Also if your DB was really bothered he would move and find a new job, how do you think resident parents pay bills and look after their children.

Tell your brother to stop blaming everyone else and spend his 6k on court time with children is priceless

I can only imagine how gutting it would be if DS called anyone else mummy, which as why I decided from the second me & my ex split up, DS will have one mummy and one daddy, no new boyfriends or girlfriends/wife or husband will be mum or dad.

Don't read too much into the name.
I grew up with a step father I called Dad (copying younger siblings), and a father who I saw EOW who I also called Dad.

Be more concerned about the relationship that is being built with the son - that is what will see him through long term and cement in the child's mind who "Dad" is.
I don't think my father was listed at school or GP etc, he lived an hour away. It would have been my stepfather , the same as it was for my siblings.

Now I'm an adult I call my stepfather by his given name, but he is still very much a father figure to me as I grew up with him in that role. I'm just lucky to have 2 men in my life with that relationship, and your nephew can have the same IF your brother continues to push for his access and to build his relationship with his son.