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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My nephew is calling his Mummy's boyfriend Daddy

153 replies

celeste83 · 10/10/2016 23:01

I wrote on here a few weeks ago about how my brother wants nothing to do with his child's family. Long story short his ex ran off with another man when she was 24 weeks pregnant. The child will be 4 in January and is openly calling his Mummy's boyfriend 'Daddy'. My brother is absolutely gutted by this. He says everytime he drops off the child to his mother the child asks his Mummy where 'Daddy' is? His Mother makes no attempt to correct him and just shrugs it off saying its difficult to explain to the child that this other man is not his Father. Is she being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
ElectricMelon · 11/10/2016 07:33

No he is not bu.

How would his ex like it if it was the other way around? I bet she would go mental and I doubt people on here would be siding with the father if he was letting the child call his partner mummy.

abbsismyhero · 11/10/2016 07:34

Fwiw my youngest calls his dad grandad no other men involved he just does

OnionKnight · 11/10/2016 07:40

Judging by most of the answers in this thread it's fine for a step mum to be called mummy then?

Hmm
Original poster
celeste83 · 11/10/2016 07:47

Obviously i'm not my nephew's mummy's biggest fan but i have not seen or spoken to her for nearly two years now. None of my family have. There is literally no contact between the two families, which is to be expected to be honest. I'm just wondering if the child is old enough, or should even be taught that the other guy is not hsi father.

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 11/10/2016 07:47

I'm sorry to say nothing you are saying isn't screaming deadbeat.

He may be upset he has found stuff out through the papers etc etc etc. But what had he actually done about it. School nursery etc won't put someone else down as Dad if they already know who dad is. "He isnt in the same town as the child so cant do midweek access", not exs fault then he got the contact he got, actually your brother's. Again it's the difference between talking the talk and actually walking the walk.

Getting upset about what name someone else is using is totally deadbeat when you are doing a half arsed job yourself. Get on with doing the job properly.

Chewingthecrud Thank you. we certainly aren't perfect, like everyone else we try. but I find the angst about names totally ridiculous.

reallyanotherone not everyone throws a wobbler about calling Step mum mum. I didn't, if she was being a mum she damn well had a right to being called that. However in DC case the problem was they knew what a mum was like and she wasn't it. But the whole thing caused them far more constination than it did me (other than on their behalf)

flanjabelle · 11/10/2016 07:47

I have seen your previous threads. I think you are going to have to realise that you can't actually help in this situation. Your brother is going to have to grow some balls and say what he does and doesn't want.

NoFuchsGiven · 11/10/2016 07:49

He is NBU at all.

The double standards on MN astound me sometimes. That child has one Dad not two, The mother was completely unreasonable to allow this to happen. If a mother came on here saying her dc were encouraged to call the SM 'Mum, there would be uproar.

WomanWithAltitude · 11/10/2016 07:50

finding out his child is living with someone who was on trial for rape

In order to be on the SOR he'd need to be convicted, not just on trial. Was he?

Your posts don't make sense (I know it isnt true that dad's only get given fortnightly access), and your description of your brother just screams 'deadbeat'.

Toffeelatteplease · 11/10/2016 07:55

My exs family isn't my biggest fan either. I'm a horrific contact blocker from hell.

We won't mention the injuries or social services involvement. Maybe they don't know. I'm not in contact to tell them (their choice initIally then mine)

Not saying your brother is in any way as awful as my ex. but sometimes it's hard for the family to see the whole picture.

SpareASquare · 11/10/2016 07:55

Judging by most of the answers in this thread it's fine for a step mum to be called mummy then?

If a stepmother has raised a child from birth then I don't see why they shouldn't or can't.

BombadierFritz · 11/10/2016 07:55

you could encourage him to apply for more access now his son is older? I can see how a baby/toddler would be better off with one main carer but by 4, that can start to change. it isnt set in stone forever. he might need to apply to the courts though.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 11/10/2016 07:56

So he 'feels like a babysitter'. Well, welcome to parenting. Only men ever call looking after their own child, babysitting Hmm and considering his contact is not even 50/50,his viewing it as babysitting is nonsense tbh.
From here (stranger on the internet, only your posts to base my opinion on) your DB is presenting himself to you as the victim. Now if that's so he can walk away and pretend the 'bad woman made him abandon his son', you really don't need to collude with that.
Tell him to see a solicitor again if he's concerned about parental responsibility being eroded through misinformation (ie the doctor thinking the bf is the dad).
I'm assuming there was a DNA test and your DB knows he is the father.

WomanWithAltitude · 11/10/2016 07:56

(Not that I'd be happy with my child living with someone who'd been on trial for rape - just trying to clarify exactly how mych if what your brother is cliking is actually grounded in fact.)

WomanWithAltitude · 11/10/2016 07:57

^ how much of what your brother is claiming

Original poster
celeste83 · 11/10/2016 07:58

He works in a different town. He would need to find a new job in the other town with more favourable hours to have midweek access, and even then apply through the legal route again to get more access. Its not as plain sailing as some make out.

I wish i never mentioned the so bit now, as i said its one of the only things my brother knows about this man and i was answering someone else who asked what this guy was like. But ss assessed the situation after the trial and said as the offence was not against a minor then there is no risk.

I really just want to help my brother thats all and advice if its reasonable for him to explain to my nephew himself that this other man is not his father? Would it open a can of worms that will unsettle the child?

OP posts:
BombayBonsai · 11/10/2016 07:59

I don't disagree with a child calling a stepmum Mum if the child has come to that conclusion on their own. I do disagree with it being actively encouraged prior to a child making that decision for themselves. I do also believe that discussing different roles and relationships with a child is important so that they understand in basic terms they have a Mum and a Dad and that the others are step parents regardless of what they are called.

I may be in the minority.

WomanWithAltitude · 11/10/2016 08:01

So you're saying he was convicted? Did he go to prison? The starting point for rape of an adult in the UK is a five year sentence (not just a ss assessment of your living arrangements). This doesn't really ring true tbh.

Neither does the other stuff about your poor brother being forced into a position where he wants to walk away from his own child. If he does that it's his fault, no one else's.

WomanWithAltitude · 11/10/2016 08:02

If my child was living with a convicted rapist, and growing up with them as a role model, I'd move heaven and earth to get more contact. I'd change job, move house.... whatever was needed.

Toffeelatteplease · 11/10/2016 08:05

NoFuchsGiven

Nope absolutely wrong. I was absolutely ripped to shreds by Mumsnet (many years ago) for letting DC call DP "Daddy DPs name". I actually hadn't started it, (and indeed still called him by his name) my then 3-4 year old did.

The result was frankly sad.

Let kids call who they want what they want.

Mumsnet absolutely does not have a bias. But you do see people of all opunions post.

icanthavepityforsnakes · 11/10/2016 08:06

The double standards on MN are sometimes laughable. My dsc call me Mum and that is down to their mother forcing them to call her boyfriend dad. They thought that's what you do. And I'm happy with whatever they're happy with.
Step mum bashing is rife on here and it's pathetic. My DPs ex is an appalling mother who cares more about her bitter hatred than ANYTHING else and has sadly caused quite a lot of emotional damage. But when I've posted people have still tried to look at it from her POV. But if it was a man behaving the same way he'd be a useless deadbeat bastard Hmm

Ausernotanumber · 11/10/2016 08:09

Was it a rape trial, a sexual assault trial and was he convicted?

CashelGirl · 11/10/2016 08:09

It only matters to your brother that the little boy is calling another man Dad. Of course the child is going to use the same name as his sibling at home. And this other guy is going to be doing the day to day parenting that your brother isn't around for. Your brother needs to focus on building a strong relationship with his child at the time he has access - building something special so that the boy will know he is someone important in his life, not just a "babysitter". When the boy is older he will start asking questions about who is who and that will be the time to talk about it.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 11/10/2016 08:10

The sex offender bit is an epic drip feed

Fathers do NOT get minimal access under the law - they get what is agreed between the parents or deemed reasonable by a judge

Is your DB generally happy not to take responsibility? Because if your DB wants to change the situation, he needs to see a solicitor, rather than his sister post on a forum. I know the child is your DN but it's up to your brother to get off his arse and sort it out. He sounds like he cba.

SuburbanRhonda · 11/10/2016 08:11

Your DB also needs to see his GP if he thinks he may be suffering from depression.

Toffeelatteplease · 11/10/2016 08:11

"I really just want to help my brother thats all and advice if its reasonable for him to explain to my nephew himself that this other man is not his father"

Nope tell him to get on and be a dad and not to dictate to his son what to think about someone he knows precious little about and understands nothing of his sons relationship with (whether that relationship is good or bad or in between)

That's what a non deadbeat dad would do.