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AIBU?

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Original poster

My nephew is calling his Mummy's boyfriend Daddy

153 replies

celeste83 · 10/10/2016 23:01

I wrote on here a few weeks ago about how my brother wants nothing to do with his child's family. Long story short his ex ran off with another man when she was 24 weeks pregnant. The child will be 4 in January and is openly calling his Mummy's boyfriend 'Daddy'. My brother is absolutely gutted by this. He says everytime he drops off the child to his mother the child asks his Mummy where 'Daddy' is? His Mother makes no attempt to correct him and just shrugs it off saying its difficult to explain to the child that this other man is not his Father. Is she being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
slkk · 11/10/2016 11:19

If his child is calling them both daddy then dbro may just have to accept it. The child's reality is that he has two dads. This is OK, even though it may hurt. If he wants more contact, he'll probably get it now the child is older but at have to adapt his working hours and go to court for it. I assume he sees more of him in the holidays.
As hard as it is, he needs to remember that his son will only be a child for a short time and what he is doing is building a foundation for their adult relationship together. If he walks away he will build resentment and could damage his son. As things stand, he seems to have a good relationship with him, his son seems happy and if this carries on, they will still have a good relationship as adults.

WomanWithAltitude · 11/10/2016 12:36

the mother fucked off at 24 weeks pregnant and shacked up with another man yet it is the Dad who is a deadbeat?

You missed out the bit where she is providing the vast majority of care for her child. And if he is only paying the minimum maintenance required, she will be paying the most for her child too.

Staying with the father/mother of your child is irrelevant to your contribution to your child's life. You can stay in the relationship but do very little parenting, or you can split up but be a very active parent.

Atenco · 11/10/2016 12:55

I don't see any problem with your brother choosing to stay in a job in another town that means he can only see his child once a fortnight, but why do you OP blame the courts for this when it is what your db has opted to do?

Personally I would be much more upset if the child didn't want use an affectionate term for the man who has been in his life from the very start

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/10/2016 13:21

Gosh, to some it really is a case of NRP father is always wrong, isn't it.

Yes the mothers partner has always been in his life because the child's mother ran of with him whilst she was pregnant.

Pisssssedofff · 11/10/2016 13:24

Why did she run off I wonder, not typical expectant mother behaviour is it - you given what a sexual goddess most of us feel at 24 weeks pregnant

30something123 · 11/10/2016 13:29

Like someone else stated, massive double standard here! I've seen so many posts about step mums being called mummy and the response is "no way, she's the step mum not mum, you need to explain the difference to the child to avoid confusion" etc etc.

Op, your brother doesn't have to settle for every other weekend. Tell him he's well within his rights to have equal time with his child so should go for 50/50 residency. The child also has a right to spend an equal amount of time with his father but currently only gets to see his dad every other weekend so the balls in your brothers court, if he wants to be an equal parent then he needs to make it happen!

Manumission · 11/10/2016 13:30

It's the contradictions that are causing eyebrows Piglet not the fact he's an NRP.

He was fobbed off with meagre contact by the evil, formulaic UK family courts BUT of course he can't rearrange life one iota to accomodate any increase in contact.

He resents the stepfather's central role (admittedly the name thing is bound to sting) BUT he resents being tied to the area where his son lives to maintain the relationship.

It just sounds as though he wants it all his own way, and to blame everyone else.

Or maybe his sister does.

Careforadrink · 11/10/2016 13:40

50/50 residency? Who the hell would advocate that for a child who is happy and settled with a set up he has known his entire life?

It's about what's best for the child for God's sake. Parental responsibility not parental right.

30something123 · 11/10/2016 14:12

Who would advocate 50/50 for a child? THE CHILD might! He has a father and his father's family whom he has every right to spend time with. The mother chose to run of with another man whilst pregnant and the biological father is supposed to just accept that and have a back seat row in his child life! If the roles were reversed here this threads content would be very very different. A young kid spending more time with his father won't ruin him, he'll have the opportunity to bond with his dad and the other side of the family like he's bonded with his stepdad. If the bio dad had just entered the scene then that would be different but as he's always been there for his kid he has every right to want be more involved and more importantly, the young lad has every right to spend equal time with both parents.

Arfarfanarf · 11/10/2016 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thefishewife · 11/10/2016 14:21

My son calls my husband dad he started doing so after about a year of us living together

And calls his bio father by his name
He is a dick head is currently in jail
Pays nothing
And the one time he did ask to see him
Sold his games consloe in cash converter for money

Atenco · 11/10/2016 14:25

I'm sick of being accused of "double standards" for having a different opinion from what might have been the majority opinion on other threads.

But, moreover, if a child were to grow up with a step-mum from the moment they came into the world, I would be very sad to see people insisting that they couldn't call her mum.

Careforadrink · 11/10/2016 14:32

30 we have no clue of that. No judge in the land would look to upset the status quo if the child is settled and happy and well provided for. It's all the child has ever known and therefore selfish beyond belief to try to upset the applecart.

As I said it's about the child's best interests.

There may be compelling reasons she left when pregnant. We don't know the back story. However we do know that the biological father has contemplated walking away. Hardly committed.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 11/10/2016 14:47

fisherwife That is nothing like OPs brothers situation Confused

30something123 · 11/10/2016 14:57

Categorydrink sometimes they do reevaluate the status quo if one parent is showing a keen interest in playing a more active role in their child's life and the RP isn't putting the child first in helping build their relationship, I've seen it happen.

Your right, we don't know the full story but I sure as hell ain't going to assume the man was at fault. It also begs the question, is OP's brother the biological father, the mum did leave during the pregnancy after all, 24 weeks I believe, she could of been cheating for a long time.

OP has your brother had a DNA test done?

1potato2potato3potato4 · 11/10/2016 14:58

I don't think your DB needs to make an effort to explain to his son who he is and who his step father is, I think it could easily just end up confusing the lad and make him feel as though he might have done something wrong.
I think he should try his best to ignore what names the lad calls his step father and concentrate in his own relationship with the child. Stick around and build on that and the lad will never be confused as to who his father is. I'm sure he has space in his life for both men to play their different roles.

Onthecouchagain · 11/10/2016 15:22

I've only read the first page but this an absolutely unacceptable situation. It is heart breaking and basically abuse by his ex to him.

Mindfields · 11/10/2016 16:07

I've only read the first page

ScaredFuture99 · 11/10/2016 16:13

Can someone explain to me why it would be confusing for the child to be explained clearly that his dad and his stepdad arent the same?

Because in all intent and purposes, they aren't.
One is the father and is trying to do his best to also be a dad by being as present and involved as possible.
The other is the stepdad. he might well be/become a father figure and fill the role of a dad but will never be a father.

Atenco · 11/10/2016 16:40

Well, about from all this judgemental stuff, what is in the best interests of the child?

Personally I don't think a parent's feelings trump a child's happiness and making an issue of this relatively minor issue that only has to do with one parent's feeling could have a negative effect on the child.

If the posters here are genuinely interested in the wellbeing of this child, we should be trying give advice that would help this man to find a common ground with the mother, not looking for reasons for him to fight or feel sorry for himself.

mixety · 11/10/2016 16:55

Can someone explain to me why it would be confusing for the child to be explained clearly that his dad and his stepdad arent the same?

No problem if all parties are saying that. But if his dad tells him that, and then his mum tells him that his step dad is also his daddy and he should call him daddy, that is what will confuse him.

If that is what is going on (possible) then much as we might agree it is wrong and unfair, the dad can't do anything to change things at his ex's house or what they tell his son. He can only try to do what is best for his son at his end, ie not put him in the middle of two parents telling him different things, but be the bigger person and put his own feelings behind those of his son.

30something123 · 11/10/2016 17:09

Atenco, we don't know whether the boy wants extra time with his dad so his best interest would be more time with dad! But bc hes too young to be making decisions like that the best scenario for him is to be allowed access to both parents equally so he can build a strong relationship with both, that way he'll grow up with knowledge of both sides of his family so he'll be able to decide for himself and won't be influenced by one particular parent. This boy may end up resenting his mum for not allowing him more father and son time bc at the moment hes like a glorified babysitter bc every other wkend is nothing considering how fast kids grow and change and that's not on when he wants to be a proper dad. So whats best for the kid, to be given the opportunity to form a proper bond with both parents and both sides of the family bc I bet (big assumption here) but I bet the lad spends a lot of time with stepdads family and not a lot with his dad's family, that's just not right when he has a father who wants to be a dad. Well that's my opinion, children have the right to spend proper time with all their family not just who the mum (or dad) dictates they should call family.

Original poster
celeste83 · 11/10/2016 18:22

Thank you all for the feedback. It went off track with SO issue but i have explained already why i mentioed it. As for access, If anyone can suggest a full time job paying £25k+ in this particular small town in the south west for 35 hrs per week Monday to Friday then please go ahead....he is very much aware of the bond the child has with his sibling and does not want to come inbetween them either. My brother was actually awarded alternative xmas days but my brother has already decided to go against this as he does not want to be the person who comes between two siblings on xmas day. I think one or two people have talked sensibly and suggested it would be unsettling for the child to have my brother explain to him the situation at this age whilst being told different at his home. I only ask on here because as far as i know there isn't a dadsnet for him to seek advice. He is a first time parent and he doesn't know how to handle the delicate situation first time round any better than me or anyone else would at the end of the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
celeste83 · 11/10/2016 18:25

I do however do not understand why at nearly 4 yrs old, where the child knows the first names of people in his life, why he can't be taught the first name of this other guy.

OP posts:
Atenco · 11/10/2016 18:38

This boy may end up resenting his mum for not allowing him more father and son time

Nobody has said that the mother is not allowing him more father and son time.

And I think one or two people have talked sensibly and suggested it would be unsettling for the child to have my brother explain to him the situation at this age whilst being told different at his home

You do not know what your DN is being told at home, OP, or if you do, you haven't said so. All we know is that a four-year-old child is allowed to call his step-dad "Dad", it could be something as simple as not pulling him up on it.

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