Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to bring my child

301 replies

Bumpasaurusmumma · 27/09/2016 16:59

My closest friend is getting married and they've also asked me to be part of the bridal party, which I am honoured.
The issue I have is they've said no children.
Now I can understand this as they feel that people would have more 'fun' without their children there. Trouble is, I wouldn't because it is not a local wedding. It would require a whole weekend away from my child who will be two (just turned) 'by the time the wedding happens.

I have spoken to my husband and he feels the same. That we are a family unit and he doesn't want to be over 4.5 hours away just incase something happens.

Now I have tried to raise this concern with my friends and they just said let's see how things are in six months... all fair and well but I've planned a wedding myself and I'm aware that in six months everything will be booked and sorted, I also know I will feel the same. When they first told us, our child was a small baby and we hadn't attempted to find a childminder etc by that point and naively unaware of the difficulties of finding someone you trust, never mind willing for the whole weekend! So said it probably would be ok. They in turn said if we are having issues to let them know, which we have and they have still said no.

I'd happily pay for my child in terms of food etc...

When we got married (and were none the wiser about getting childminders etc...) we said no children ourselves except for certain exceptions (friends and family travelling several hours and spending the whole weekend) rather than being local and going home same night.

I'm not some precious mother who can't leave her child. We have been out for meals etc, I'm just not comfortable about a whole weekend and my husband feels the same. It wouldn't be feasible to travel there and back in one day.

The other option is to leave my hubby at home and go alone. Which I know they would also be upset by.

AIBU?

OP posts:
melibu84 · 27/09/2016 17:02

I wouldn't say YABU, but it is their wedding, and they have the right to choose who they want to invite. If they make an exception for you, they will either piss people off or others will insist on bringing their kids.

motherinferior · 27/09/2016 17:03

If you've got childcare options, go and have a good time. If you don't, go on your own and have a blast.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 27/09/2016 17:03

Yes. You are. It's their wedding, not yours. And you gave the same direction for your wedding! (ok, with exceptions).

I actually think you're being a bit rude in asking them to change their minds - and it's not about the money either. You know that.

FWIW I had loads of children at my wedding - it never occurred to me that they shouldn't come - but that was my choice and this is theirs.

DextersMistress · 27/09/2016 17:03

Go on your own. A two year old will be a pita at a wedding tbh.

user1474627704 · 27/09/2016 17:03

It's a no kids wedding, you've asked anyway, and its still no.
So your choices are to go or not go. That is all.

FlyingDragon · 27/09/2016 17:04

I think YABU although I can understand not wanting to leave your child. It is up to the bride and groom who is invited, not you. Really you have the options of declining, just you going or taking someone else with you (or hiring someone locally) to look after your DC whilst you attend the wedding.

raviolidreaming · 27/09/2016 17:04

When we got married (and were none the wiser about getting childminders etc...) we said no children ourselves except for certain exceptions (friends and family travelling several hours and spending the whole weekend) rather than being local and going home same night

You may well find that too many of their guests would fall under exception criteria to make this a workable option for them.

Neither of you are being unreasonable, but you will have to accept their decision and make your own accordingly.

OlennasWimple · 27/09/2016 17:04

They are allowed to have the wedding that they want to have. There are consequences to that, though, including not everyone will be able to make it.

You can't insist on bringing your DC, so you will have to tell your friend that unfortunately DH won't be able to attend (if you really don't want to go down the sitter route - have you even looked into it properly?).

Sirzy · 27/09/2016 17:05

It's their wedding, if they don't want children to attend that's their choice.

If your not happy to go without your child then you need to apologise to them and say you won't be able to go. That may make them change their mind, but they may also decide that's your choice.

The problem is if they make one exception then they risk upsetting others

Oysterbabe · 27/09/2016 17:05

YABU.
They don't want a 2 year old at their wedding and it's their choice. Your choice is whether or not you go.

Thurlow · 27/09/2016 17:05

Do you have family who can have your DD for the weekend?

I would say yes, YWBU to bring your child when the wedding is expressly child free. However, by requesting that the wedding is childfree then they should be aware that some people won't be able to make it.

In your case, if you really aren't comfortable leaving your DD for the weekend, then I would go to the wedding alone and leave your DH at home with her, which seems the most sensible compromise.

However, I do think that if you are leaving her with family or close friends (you don't say who would be doing the childcare) then 2 is a pretty normal age to have a night or so away from mum and dad.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 27/09/2016 17:05

Could you leave your 2yo with a friend or family?

PurpleDaisies · 27/09/2016 17:05

Now I can understand this as they feel that people would have more 'fun' without their children there.

This is just a euphemism for "we do not want children at our wedding". It's their choice.

I thought you were going to say yours was a tiny baby, but two really isn't. Don't ask to take her.

I'd either leave her with family or go alone and leave her with your husband.

Hoppinggreen · 27/09/2016 17:05

They've chosen a child free wedding. Whatever you think about that its choice.
You are being rude by trying to change their minds.
Either go alone or don't go

Soubriquet · 27/09/2016 17:05

Sorry yabu

It's their wedding and if they want child free you need to respect that

So you either go or you politely decline

lovelybangers · 27/09/2016 17:05

YABU to want to take your DC when friend has expressed no children.

Can you go for just one night? set off super early on the day of the wedding then stay over that night.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 27/09/2016 17:06

Have you got 'duties' on the day?
Maybe she thinks she won't get your full attention if you have your child to watch?

IsItJustFuck1ngMe · 27/09/2016 17:06

Sorry but if they do it for you, they open themselves up to EVERYBODY else... I can see it from your side, but if they say yes to you then everyone else will want to plead their case. This puts them in the hugely awkward position of explaining A - why its a No, and B - why they have said yes to you and not others. It's their day and they just don't want to children there, which is their prerogative

Sparklesilverglitter · 27/09/2016 17:07

It is there wedding and if they don't want DC then that's fair enough.

if they make an exception for 1 then other people will ask to bring DC or feel like it's unfair on the day when you have your child.

See how you feel about child care at the time, you go to the wedding and leave baby and dh home OR don't go

Chippednailvarnishing · 27/09/2016 17:07

It's not your wedding, if you don't like it don't go.

attheendoftheday · 27/09/2016 17:07

I generally think child free weddings are a pita but since you had one yourselves you can't complain! Either don't go or leave dp at home, as I would in this situation.

danTDM · 27/09/2016 17:08

Either go or don't and be adult about it. FGS another 'I want to bring my child to a child free event' thread. I can't bear it, honestly YABsoU.

IsItJustFuck1ngMe · 27/09/2016 17:08

.... also they then leave themselves open to hissing and whispering on their day like 'oh xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx brought their child, but we were told no' unfair.

Ineededtonamechange · 27/09/2016 17:08

Could you:

Pay for a local sitter/family member to travel with you and look after your DC outside of the wedding?

Find a local sitter (sitters.co.uk or similar) near to the wedding and use them.

Could DH come with you for company around the edges, but miss the wedding?

I probably wouldn't have left my DC aged 2 for a whole weekend. Some people would with glee at getting a break. People are very different so this bit is totally your choice. But instead of umming and ahhing you need to make a judgement call and stick with it - can you pull it off with a sitter/family member/DH coming with you or do you just need to say to your friend that she can have you but not your DH because they have decided it is a child free wedding.

They, for their part, must accept their decision has consequences and they don't get to decide for you when to leave your DC.

But make a call and stick to your guns.

NataliaOsipova · 27/09/2016 17:08

I would feel the same as you, to be honest. I wouldn't want to leave my children for that long in those circumstances. So I wouldn't go. I wouldn't be huffy with the bride and groom, though, as it is their day and their invitation to give.

So - as to the AIBU? - I'd say no, you're not being unreasonable to want not to leave your child....but you are being unreasonable to expect them to accommodate you, if you see what I mean!