To want to bring my child

[Bumpasaurusmumma]

My closest friend is getting married and they've also asked me to be part of the bridal party, which I am honoured.
The issue I have is they've said no children.
Now I can understand this as they feel that people would have more 'fun' without their children there. Trouble is, I wouldn't because it is not a local wedding. It would require a whole weekend away from my child who will be two (just turned) 'by the time the wedding happens.

I have spoken to my husband and he feels the same. That we are a family unit and he doesn't want to be over 4.5 hours away just incase something happens.

Now I have tried to raise this concern with my friends and they just said let's see how things are in six months... all fair and well but I've planned a wedding myself and I'm aware that in six months everything will be booked and sorted, I also know I will feel the same. When they first told us, our child was a small baby and we hadn't attempted to find a childminder etc by that point and naively unaware of the difficulties of finding someone you trust, never mind willing for the whole weekend! So said it probably would be ok. They in turn said if we are having issues to let them know, which we have and they have still said no.

I'd happily pay for my child in terms of food etc...

When we got married (and were none the wiser about getting childminders etc...) we said no children ourselves except for certain exceptions (friends and family travelling several hours and spending the whole weekend) rather than being local and going home same night.

I'm not some precious mother who can't leave her child. We have been out for meals etc, I'm just not comfortable about a whole weekend and my husband feels the same. It wouldn't be feasible to travel there and back in one day.

The other option is to leave my hubby at home and go alone. Which I know they would also be upset by.

AIBU?

[unicornthong]

It's their wedding, not yours. Does your child have grandparents or aunties and uncles who won't be attending the wedding?

If you can't or won't find someone to have your child for the weekend, don't go. It's not your friend's responsibility to organise childcare for you.

[Eatthecake]

It is there wedding and of they want no children then that's the way it is.

If they make an exception for 1 then other people's get annoyed on the day when there is your child running around after they've left there's home.

I had no children at my wedding bloody great it was. I've now got 4 DC and they are a pita at weddings tbh even when it's a child welcome wedding we leave them home

You don't have to attend the wedding, or leave the baby with its dad and go and enjoy yourself

[Ineededtonamechange]

PS - making them invite your child is equally not your judgement call.

[neonrainbow]

She's not a tiny baby. They can hardly be your closest friends if you're considering not attending their once in a lifetime event because you won't leave your child behind overnight.

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

Why can't you just go and leave your child with its father? Do you insist on doing everything going together? I would be seriously pissed off if you ignored my express wishes to keep my event child free, and equally as a guest I'd be even more pissed off if I'd forked out a fortune for babysitting so I could attend just to see you ignore it and bring your toddler.

It's really not your place to argue this, this isn't your day, it's theirs. stop being so precious!

[Pinkheart5915]

Your not unreasonable to not want to leave your child but yabu to expect them to make an exception for you as then other guests don't like it.

It's there wedding at the end of the day, and child free weddings do tend to be more fun than a load of bored DC everywhere.

Go to the wedding, even leave baby with dad and enjoy yourself as its your close friend or wish them well and stay home

[reallyanotherone]

Now I can understand this as they feel that people would have more 'fun' without their children there.

This is just a euphemism for "we do not want children at our wedding". It's their choice.

But likely they don't want children as they can have more fun without children. Toddlers are a nightmare- in the way on the dance floor while parents smile indulgently, parents centering their night around their child.

I know when mine were toddlers if they were with me that was where my attention was. Making sure they were fed, taking them out if they were disruptive during toasts, that they nap properly etc.. It's a long day for them.

You want your guests there to enjoy the wedding.

o/p you have a couple of other options. One is to get a sitter for the hotel- sitters.co.uk, the hotel might provide them, local childminders or nursery workers. Or ask your friend if she knows any local teenagers etc.

Option 2 is to ask for the numbers of other parents who might be in the same boat- see if you can ask the venue to put aside a room you can put travel cots in and use as a creche- either pay a professional between you or take it in turns to do half hour shifts. Or arrange one room in the hotel between you with a professional night nanny.

[PenguinsAreAce]

I understand the way you feel, but it is their decision not yours. Your options are:
1 apologise and pull out.
2 arrange childcare (if possible) and go away without DC.
3 you go to the wedding, but DH does not and he stays nearby to care for your DC so at least you ar not apart overnight.

I would prob have gone for option 3 as had no suitable childcare, but looking back now on various similar experiences, option 1 strikes me as the best.

[MiddleClassProblem]

I would leave DD with my parents for the weekend but if you are not in a position to do that or have anyone else you trust then I would go solo and leave DH with DC. It may be different if I were just a guest but as a part of the bridal party I would want to attend.

[wayway13]

YANBU.

I'm not going to a good friend's wedding next summer for the same reason. She wants a child-free wedding which is fine. I completely understand her not wanting small children there tbh. However, it is 5 hours from where we live. We can't even leave our DC with family as they aren't local to us. DD1 will be 3 and DD2 will be 9 months. I'm not leaving them all weekend, especially the baby. I accept that my views on leaving my DC mean I will miss out on certain events. There are no hard feelings on my part.

YWBU to expect her to change her plans as it is her wedding. However, YWNBU to decline.

[PenguinsAreAce]

I guess arranging local professional childcare is the other option, but they will never have met DC before and we would never have done that. Lots of parents wouldn't.

[Bumpasaurusmumma]

I have looked at local sitters but would be wary of having someone we didn't know and I wouldn't be comfortable with this.
We couldn't afford to take a friend or family member with us and pay for an extra hotel room for the whole weekend.
Other Family - due to illness wouldn't be able to.
From comments made, I do believe they have some children going from friends/family that have struggled so I don't think it is totally child free.

I understand it's their day but they did say to let them know if it was a struggle, which we have.

[phillipp]

Yabu. It's their wedding. I can't believe you tried to get them to change their minds.

Either go or don't go. Asking them to make an exception for a two year is really rude.

Toddlers at weddings are the reason people have child free. Tiny babies and older kids are usually fine. It's mobile kids that have no sense of how to act socially yet that people try to avoid coming. It's not the child's fault, but they are entitled to not want that.

[LunaLoveg00d]

Your FEELING that you want to take your child is not unreasonable itself but acting on it would be.

They have explicitly stated "no children". Do not put your friends in the awkward position of having to reiterate this to you because you ask them if they can make an exception to their rule. Their wedding, their choice.

[MiddleClassProblem]

DH in nearby hotel with DC is another option but I know this would just be more difficult for my DH to cover the whole day solo without home comforts and knowing the area so would think this through throughly

[NapQueen]

Dh can stay home with DS then if he is that bothered.

I'd not miss my best friends wedding for anything and having a night or two away from your 2yo really isn't that much of an ask.

[PatriciaHolm]

Their wedding, their choice. It's not like the child is a tiny baby who can't physically be left. Realistically, it's very rude of you to ask as they have made their feelings clear, and they may well have a number of other guests with children who would be most put out if they make an exception for you.

So either you don't go, you go alone, or you go as late as you can on the day and come back as early as you can the next day to minimise the time away from your child. This is your issue to deal with, not theirs. You are not unreasonable to not want to be away from your child for 2 days, but equally they are not unreasonable to want a child free wedding.

If they do get annoyed with you for not wanting to go/leave your husband behind, then they are being a bit unreasonable as well though.

[Chikara]

Really, why is this even a question? YABU
As everyone else has said: either go or don't. Simple.
Stop criticising the bride for ser choice and for something you also did. There will many social occasions in future which you will not be bale to bring a child with you to. And whether your husband feels the same is irrelevant.

So, as others have said - either go or don't.

[idontlikealdi]

YABU and even more u to have asked. It's their wedding.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I just can't get over your lack of self-awareness.

YOU had a childfree wedding. I'm presuming that's what you wanted?
And now your friend wants the same and that's all wrong???

[londonrach]

Cant see how you cant think yabu. Its their wedding their choice. Decline the invitation.

[Lorelei76]

you say they would be upset if your DP didn't go but would they? You are the bride's original friend, is that right? Tbh I wonder if that was something they realised might happen - your DP looking after your DC and just you coming - and they might be fine with that.

[ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual]

Is it a massive issue to just go alone, though? I was a bridesmaid for a very close friend a couple of years ago, no family could look after my baby (child free wedding) so I went alone and dh looked after dc. It was a good solution and I wouldn't have dreamed of missing the wedding when there was actually a childcare solution - i.e., your dh.

By the way, I took my 2 year old to a wedding last month. I didn't manage a single full conversation with anyone and me and dh spent the entire day tag teaming. You'd probably have more fun if you could concentrate on enjoying yourself rather than checking your dc hadn't wet their pants/run out into the road/fallen down the many flights of hotel stairs etc etc.

[witchywoohoo]

Just decline the invitation. You are not going to enjoy the wedding unless they invite your child, and they are not going to be happy if they feel obliged to invite your child. Only solution is to say thanks, but no thanks.

My partner and I have declined family weddings that would have involved overnight stays away from our children. It's never involved bad feelings afterwards.