To want to bring my child

[Bumpasaurusmumma]

My closest friend is getting married and they've also asked me to be part of the bridal party, which I am honoured.
The issue I have is they've said no children.
Now I can understand this as they feel that people would have more 'fun' without their children there. Trouble is, I wouldn't because it is not a local wedding. It would require a whole weekend away from my child who will be two (just turned) 'by the time the wedding happens.

I have spoken to my husband and he feels the same. That we are a family unit and he doesn't want to be over 4.5 hours away just incase something happens.

Now I have tried to raise this concern with my friends and they just said let's see how things are in six months... all fair and well but I've planned a wedding myself and I'm aware that in six months everything will be booked and sorted, I also know I will feel the same. When they first told us, our child was a small baby and we hadn't attempted to find a childminder etc by that point and naively unaware of the difficulties of finding someone you trust, never mind willing for the whole weekend! So said it probably would be ok. They in turn said if we are having issues to let them know, which we have and they have still said no.

I'd happily pay for my child in terms of food etc...

When we got married (and were none the wiser about getting childminders etc...) we said no children ourselves except for certain exceptions (friends and family travelling several hours and spending the whole weekend) rather than being local and going home same night.

I'm not some precious mother who can't leave her child. We have been out for meals etc, I'm just not comfortable about a whole weekend and my husband feels the same. It wouldn't be feasible to travel there and back in one day.

The other option is to leave my hubby at home and go alone. Which I know they would also be upset by.

AIBU?

[TragicallyUnbeyachted]

Italiangreyhound, an annoying number of couples do phrase their child-free decision in a "it will be lots more fun for you to leave your children at home and make a proper night of it" sort of way.

I do find that annoying -- I don't mind being told not to bring my children, but I do mind someone telling me that they are only telling me not to bring them because they know that that's what I really want, deep down.

[SandyPantz]

It's a no

Your reasonable choices are:

• go alone
  
• don't go
  
• go with DH and sort childcare
  

You don't want to do that though, you want unreasonable option number 4, which is try to wear down the couple until the "no" becomes a "yes". But if you do this it's more likely that a "no" will become a "fuck off" than a "yes".

Leave it, they are not BU, they've made their feelings clear and you have your choices. Just pick one!

[TragicallyUnbeyachted]

"You had a child free wedding yourself OP!"

No, she didn't. She's said that repeatedly both in her OP and subsequently. They didn't invite local children but did invite children whose parents would have a long journey to the wedding and/or were staying all weekend.

[Yorkshiremummyof4]

We've previously used sitters.co.uk to find a nanny to come to the hotel to babysit. Therefore it was easy to see children (ours were invited to the wedding but went to the nanny once bored). She was fantastic, and it worked for us as children where at the church / wedding breakfast, but then we got to relax as well.

[GabsAlot]

did i misread or did yu say from comments made youve ehard other kids are actually going?

if thats the case then make yourpoint again-you would rather dd come and be with dh if others are aswell

[Purplepicnic]

Your best option is to go alone and if they are upset, then they are the ones being unreasonable.

I know you wish it was different but they said no kids, you told them it was a struggle and their stance hasn't changed so you have your answer. Don't try and persuade them, it'll make everyone uncomfortable.

[Lorelei76]

OP "You are assuming my friend is the bride. "

well I certainly haven't (also can't see who has but have probably missed some posts). I said it might not be an issue if your DP doesn't go.

There's no connection anyway, whether your original friend is B or G. Bit baffled now!

[GabbySolis]

I really don't understand why there are so many threads about people being unhappy that they can't take their children to other people's child-free events?? YABU

[lastqueenofscotland]

YABU

Go without DH. Simple

[Littleballerina]

Don't go if you feel funny about it but let them know asap.
Children have ruined the last few weddings that I have been to. can't hear vows because of noisy/ crying children, unattended children being naughty. Children get bored at weddings.

[couldntlovethebearmore]

You keep avoiding the question- why cant you go without DH?

[YelloDraw]

Just go without DH. You're going to be busy in the bridal party anyway!

[Lovewineandchocs]

As someone who has recently taken a 2 year old to a wedding (family wedding so they kinda had to be there) I can tell you it is a major PITA and very stressful, especially when your other half is in the bridal party! So your DH may not enjoy being in sole charge of your DC for most of the day! I think, in the absence of childcare, it's best to just go on your own. If the bride and groom would be upset by your DHs not being there, they will just have to accept it as one of the consequences of their decision not to invite children. Hope you have a great time, whatever you do.

[Andrewofgg]

I'm not some precious mother who can't leave her child.

Yes you are.

Go alone and enjoy it.

[NataliaOsipova]

There's potentially just a mismatch of expectations and understanding here. (I'm assuming the bride and groom don't have kids, by the way?). Before I'd had children, it would never have occurred to me that it wouldn't be really easy to find a babysitter. If there aren't relatives there are agencies, right? Only being on the other side of that, as a parent, do you realise that people aren't just happy to leave their child with any adult going, not least because the child in question might not be happy with the arrangement!

But I would let this one go, OP. You're likely to cause irritation and bad feeling otherwise. It's their call to say no, yours as to what you do after that.

[CakeAndChocolate]

Can you rent a 2 bed holiday cottage or something near the wedding venue? Then take a family member with you to look after toddler on the day of the wedding.

[53rdAndBird]

You keep avoiding the question- why cant you go without DH?

It's in her original post - because the B&G would be unhappy with that. (Although that would be rather unreasonable of them in turn.)

[QueenLizIII]

I most recently went to a christening. Expected that children will be there as that is the point.

However, two children from different families were being christened and they were strangers to each other.

From the other family whom my friends didnt know, one of the godmothers had 3 children. One was about 2 and the others about 6 and 8, so the older two were old to behave.

Throughout the whole ceremony the 2 yo screamed and his father didnt take him outside. The 6 and 8 yo girls wouldnt sit down, stood at the font and bombarded their mother and the vicar with questions and wouldnt shut the fuck up. Their parents stood and watched it. The vicar had bellow to be heard above it all.

I felt sorry for my friend, those children ruined it and you couldnt hear a thing. This is why people dont want children at weddings. They spoil it.

I would have a child free wedding and would continue to say no to someone who couldnt leave a 2 yo with her own father for a night.

[CocktailQueen]

I have spoken to my husband and he feels the same. That we are a family unit and he doesn't want to be over 4.5 hours away just in case something happens.

What's going to happen, OP? Will you only go places as a threesome for the rest of your lives?

[confusedandemployed]

Sorry but I just don't buy that the B&G would be upset. I've been to countless functions alone cos we couldn't get childcare, as has DH. Nobody minded.

I simply don't understand this mindset of some people that, once they've had children, they seem to think "Oh yes I do understand the no child rule of course. But obviously it doesn't apply to me." Suck it up buttercup, the world doesn't revolve around your offspring.

Sorry for the rant. You can see that this has touched a nerve.

[mouldycheesefan]

Go on your own. Have a good time. You can't refuse to attend just because you are a parent and it's a no child wedding! People here travel all over the country and the world and their husbands and kids manage.

[Myownperson]

Hi. Just to chip in re using sitters agency. Until recently i had never left my 2 year old with anyone but necessity has meant I've started using sitters occasionally. I have been really pleasantly surprised. My 2 year old has had fun.
I understand if that's a no though.

I have been to a wedding by myself when DC1 was very little. Children were welcome but I figured it'd be more fun to have a grown up occasion.

DH and I also relay looked after DC at my mum's wedding.

It is of course ok to politely decline but I think if you want to go there are a number of options. I don't really see the problem.

If DH is declining just explain it as nicely as possible. If they are annoyed it's only because they don't understand.

[happypoobum]

The B&G have every right to say your DC is not invited. However, they cannot then get upset if that means that DH cannot attend.

Is there a reason you wouldn't just go on your own? You say it is you who is the friend and part of the wedding party so surely DH would be a spare part anyway?

[EverySongbirdSays]

You had a child free wedding yourself

You've now had your PFB and realise how tough childcare is for parents something you didn't acknowledge or care about for your own wedding.
(I'm assuming exceptions were only made for family)

As a result you now want to force your friend to not stipulate the same rules you yourself had.

YABVVU

And, it's an invitation not a summons

[MargaretCavendish]

I do think this is a bit trickier than people are allowing for. Yes, of course she can say no, but most people would be really upset by one of their closest friends (who they've also asked to be in the bridal party) not attending their wedding. I really do think that not going is likely to have a pretty negative and permanent impact on the relationship.

The thing is, two year olds are dreadful at weddings. They get bored, are likely to be noisy in the ceremony (and it seems that parents forget that not everyone has built up their tolerance to low-level chattering/whining!), and their parents tend to disappear straight after dinner, which means B&G barely see them at all.

I think the best option here is for you to go without your husband. If they object to that then they are being unreasonable. It's up to you, obviously, but I really wouldn't miss 'closest friend's' wedding under these circumstances.