To want to bring my child

[Bumpasaurusmumma]

My closest friend is getting married and they've also asked me to be part of the bridal party, which I am honoured.
The issue I have is they've said no children.
Now I can understand this as they feel that people would have more 'fun' without their children there. Trouble is, I wouldn't because it is not a local wedding. It would require a whole weekend away from my child who will be two (just turned) 'by the time the wedding happens.

I have spoken to my husband and he feels the same. That we are a family unit and he doesn't want to be over 4.5 hours away just incase something happens.

Now I have tried to raise this concern with my friends and they just said let's see how things are in six months... all fair and well but I've planned a wedding myself and I'm aware that in six months everything will be booked and sorted, I also know I will feel the same. When they first told us, our child was a small baby and we hadn't attempted to find a childminder etc by that point and naively unaware of the difficulties of finding someone you trust, never mind willing for the whole weekend! So said it probably would be ok. They in turn said if we are having issues to let them know, which we have and they have still said no.

I'd happily pay for my child in terms of food etc...

When we got married (and were none the wiser about getting childminders etc...) we said no children ourselves except for certain exceptions (friends and family travelling several hours and spending the whole weekend) rather than being local and going home same night.

I'm not some precious mother who can't leave her child. We have been out for meals etc, I'm just not comfortable about a whole weekend and my husband feels the same. It wouldn't be feasible to travel there and back in one day.

The other option is to leave my hubby at home and go alone. Which I know they would also be upset by.

AIBU?

[RubbleBubble00]

It's simple either stepdoqn from the bridal party and leave dc with husband and go yourself

[NerrSnerr]

It's their wedding and they want no kids so you need to respect that. Either none of you go, your partner doesn't go and you go alone or you get some kind of childcare.

If you keep pushing for your child to go you're putting them in a really difficult position.

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

Again, why can't you just go on your own?!

[Shemozzle]

I never used to understand why people wanted child free weddings, but the last few I've been to have all had children there who have interrupted all the important parts of a wedding day and not one parent removed their child. I can totally see why people say no children now.

In your situation I would suggest your dp have a weekend away with 2 year old nearby, any child friendly attractions nearby? You can spent one of the nights together and attend the wedding and prep on your own and you aren't apart for the whole weekend. Or you go up earlier by train and dp follow on the next day by car so 2 year old is babysat for half the time.

[MiddleClassProblem]

As others keep asking, why can't DH watch DC and you go on your own?

[TragicallyUnbeyachted]

Leave your husband at home and go alone.

If they are upset by that, tough. They've said you can't bring your DD and to let them know if that will be a problem. You've told them it will be a problem. They haven't offered any solutions other than ignoring the issue and hoping that it goes away (not, historically, a particularly effective strategy). So the logical solution is that your DH stays home with your DD and you go to the wedding.

People are perfectly entitled to have child-free weddings but they are not entitled to be upset/annoyed if that means that some of their friends who have children can't come. So you would BU to start throwing around demands that your DD should come but you would NBU in the least to proceed on the basis that you'll attend the wedding alone.

[PotOfYoghurt]

Does the hotel you're staying in provide a babysitting service?

[Jackie0]

Either accept or decline but for goodness sake don't make your childcare arrangements their problem.
They have more important things on their mind.

[NellWilsonsWhiteHair]

You're not unreasonable to not want to leave your child at 2 - I probably wouldn't have. In fact, even now (4yo) i wouldn't want to leave my child for the weekend to go to someone else's wedding: my time off is v limited (partly lack of options, partly because I really like spending my weekends with him...) and to me, that wouldn't be the way I'd choose to spend it. but I don't like weddings, or seem to have many friends who go in for them I don't like the judgment around the importance of Leaving One's Child With Other People (in either direction). I would struggle to relax and enjoy myself if I was 4.5 hours away from my child. It's irrational but sometimes parenting is irrational.

However, YWDBU to take your child when it's supposed to be child-free - or even to ask for it, IMO. For all the excellent reasons already posted on this thread.

[AcrossthePond55]

You simply explain that you prefer not to leave your child as you don't have acceptable childcare for a weekend and therefore regrettably must decline the invitation and being part of the wedding party. Explain that you can't 'see in six months' as it might put them in a bind finding someone else to fill your role in the wedding. It's up to them whether or not they want to make an exception for you.

I have a feeling their 'see in six months' has to do with them thinking that you'll change your mind about leaving your child for the weekend. You may or you may not, but I wouldn't want that hanging over my head if I were you.

[53rdAndBird]

OP has said that they'd be upset if she left her DH at home and went alone.

Honestly though OP, I think that's your best option. You go, have fun, your child is fine at home with DH, you don't have to stress about arranging childcare. If they want a childfree wedding, they can't reasonably get in the huff that half of some couples have to stay away looking after the children.

[Scholes34]

Think of it from your DD's point of view - hardly a fun day. She'll be bored silly.

[Italiangreyhound]

Bumpa I am not sure they have really made the decision it will be more fun for you or others so they have decided it "...would have more 'fun' without their children" should probably be translated more fun for the bride and groom and everyone who does not have children if children do not come!

Which is fine. It is their choice.

Your choice is to go or not to go.

I would not have left my child at age two with random strangers from an agency nor would I have gone away for a whole weekend when they were so young. But it is not wrong to do so. It is your choice. You've been honest up to now so just continue the honesty and say you cannot do it, or say that you will come and dh look after child if you wish to.

The bride may not understand but she does not need to, she needs to respect your wishes, as you must respect hers.

[Stillunexpected]

I don't really understand all the angst. You either have someone to look after your child or you don't, for a weekend (which is a pretty big ask). If you don't have someone who can have her, then you don't go - because you can't as you don't wish to leave your husband with her. If you do have a sitter but you still don't want to leave her, then you still don't go.

[RatherBeIndoors]

I really wouldn't wait 6m either - by that point you'll be getting into money spent on bridesmaid's dresses etc and it will all be more complicated. I'd either:
A) not go (but I am not a fan of weddings so endure them grimly), or
B) go with DH and DC to hotel of wedding, let DH and DC go out somewhere and do an activity during the wedding itself, and leave reception as soon as humanly possible to spend evening with your family.

[Whocansay]

They can't say no kids and then get upset if only one of you goes because one of you has to look after DD. It really doesn't need all this hand wringing.

You asked to take dd. They said no. If you push them to accept your dd you may damage the friendship.

[Floey]

Oh my god! AGAIN with 'I feel I should be an exception'. It is not about you. It is their day so either suck it up and work around the issue or don't go. Jeez, no wonder so many kids are a nightmare with parents who think the whole bloody world revolves round them

[Bumpasaurusmumma]

Ok before people lynch me/judge me. I am totally aware it is their big day and their choice. I haven't disputed that. I have only followed what they said to do which was to let them know if it was an issue, which it is.

You are assuming my friend is the bride.

There is no childcare pre arranged by them.
I did not have a child free wedding. We told people to bring their children if they were travelling some distance and would require a whole weekend stay. It was only really evening guests that were asked not to.

I hadn't planned on revisiting the issue in 6 months as they suggested, raising it all again. I would either go alone (which I know they would also be upset about) or not at all which I don't think is an option for me.

Thank you for your comments.

[Planty18]

If you are part of the wedding party your dh will spend a lot of time alone anyway, does he really want to go? I would just leave your dc with him at home and have fun, way easier. There is no other option if there is no one who can look after dc for the weekend. Have been in a similar situation and it wasn't worth us both going quite honestly. You'll be able to relax and so will they. You say this will upset them if dh doesn't come but there isn't really another option so I'm sure they'll understand.

[NataliaOsipova]

I hate to be blunt, but they've asked you to let them know if it's an issue. You have done. This is then the point at which they say it's fine for you to bring your child....but they didn't do that. So you have your answer. Equally, they would be most unreasonable to be upset either if you declined altogether, or if you went alone.

[hoddtastic]

i would leave DH at home with kids and just go and do my bridesmaidery stuff.

It's one day/night, she's a good friend- it's her wedding. So go on her terms or don't go at all, don't be all whiny and 'what abouty' about it though. If your husband decides he doesn't want to be 4.5hours away from his kid then don't take him? They would probably both be bored cos weddings are long, dull, expensive and the only people who are really arsed about them are the bride and groom ;)

[QueenLizIII]

it's the only wedding day this couple will ever have. They want it trouble and stress free and quiet

You had a child free wedding yourself OP!

I can't believe people think their 2 yo (who is at that age where they cant sit still or behave in public as they are too young) trumps the couples wishes. The 2 yo doesnt give a fuck about the wedding, and wont remember being left behind for a weekend by you.

Either go or dont go.

[Italiangreyhound]

I like Dixie's idea.