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AIBU?

To want to bring my child

301 replies

Bumpasaurusmumma · 27/09/2016 16:59

My closest friend is getting married and they've also asked me to be part of the bridal party, which I am honoured.
The issue I have is they've said no children.
Now I can understand this as they feel that people would have more 'fun' without their children there. Trouble is, I wouldn't because it is not a local wedding. It would require a whole weekend away from my child who will be two (just turned) 'by the time the wedding happens.

I have spoken to my husband and he feels the same. That we are a family unit and he doesn't want to be over 4.5 hours away just incase something happens.

Now I have tried to raise this concern with my friends and they just said let's see how things are in six months... all fair and well but I've planned a wedding myself and I'm aware that in six months everything will be booked and sorted, I also know I will feel the same. When they first told us, our child was a small baby and we hadn't attempted to find a childminder etc by that point and naively unaware of the difficulties of finding someone you trust, never mind willing for the whole weekend! So said it probably would be ok. They in turn said if we are having issues to let them know, which we have and they have still said no.

I'd happily pay for my child in terms of food etc...

When we got married (and were none the wiser about getting childminders etc...) we said no children ourselves except for certain exceptions (friends and family travelling several hours and spending the whole weekend) rather than being local and going home same night.

I'm not some precious mother who can't leave her child. We have been out for meals etc, I'm just not comfortable about a whole weekend and my husband feels the same. It wouldn't be feasible to travel there and back in one day.

The other option is to leave my hubby at home and go alone. Which I know they would also be upset by.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/09/2016 19:04

I'm always surprised at how people think the bride and groom are going to be upset/annoyed by the person declining the invitation. They will know that some people won't come to a child free event.

paxillin · 27/09/2016 19:04

"It would be more fun" = don't want to trip over kids, have anyone scream blue murder at church, fall into the buffet or tantrum at the reception. Worst age for any of the above is aged 2-3, so they really don't want kids that age. Being part of the bridal party is also difficult with a toddler in tow. Two year olds have an amazing ability to make absolutely everything about them.

You paying for her really isn't the issue. Go alone.

AyeAmarok · 27/09/2016 19:08

Either go alone, or don't go.

They don't want your 2 year old at their wedding, I can understand why as 2 year olds don't know when to sit still and be quiet and their parents always think their shrieking is adorable... But your choice is then to go without, or not go.

ShteakandShpuds · 27/09/2016 19:09

Sorry OP, it's an easy choice for me.
I'd use it as the perfect excuse not to attend as I can't stand poncy weddings. Basically anything more formal than a registry office with a couple of friends followed by a cafe or pub meal, I'd class as poncy.

If you really want to go (!) leave DH at home and go on your own.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 27/09/2016 19:09

Go with DH have him look after dc during daytime part, put dc to bed and then get a local sitter for dc while asleep so DH can come to evening do.. someone has probably already suggested this sorry couldn't be arsed to rtft

TowerRavenSeven · 27/09/2016 19:10

Go alone or bow out. Dh's cousin was getting married and it was out of the country and they didn't invite ds which is fine. Ds was young and we both stayed home as we were totally on our own. They were were pissed which was fine. When now have kids and might 'get it' (--actually I hope the same thing happens to them some day!)

MistressMolecules · 27/09/2016 19:12

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want to bring your child, but it is her wedding and therefore she is well within her rights to say no children, so it means either you leave your child or you don't go to the wedding (my choice for me would be not to go to the wedding, I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself, I would be worrying the whole time).

Personally (and I understand everyone has their reasons) I just don't get weddings where children are not invited don't bring your kids!

pictish · 27/09/2016 19:13

"I'd use it as the perfect excuse not to attend as I can't stand poncy weddings. Basically anything more formal than a registry office with a couple of friends followed by a cafe or pub meal, I'd class as poncy."

Err ok...it's an angle I guess?

Ausernotanumber · 27/09/2016 19:16

It's child free wedding. What's to understand? Go on your own or get a babysitter but you can't take your child!

ohnoonoo · 27/09/2016 19:18

I've been to three weddings this year and young children ruined the ceremony at all of them. Crying, screaming and talking throughout. I love children but it was incredibly annoying and selfish of the parents to have let them ruin what should have been a really social moment. So I think YABU.

EverySongbirdSays · 27/09/2016 19:19

Completely off topic but SchteakandSchpuds were are you from? That is how my Grandad would say Steak and Spuds

ohnoonoo · 27/09/2016 19:21

Special moment, not social.

LyndaNotLinda · 27/09/2016 19:27

Oh honestly the 'I can't bear to leave my child with someone we haven't known for at least 20 years' line that gets trotted out on MN really gets on my tits. It's so neurotic.

Given you feel like, say thanks but no thanks. Stop trying to manipulate the bride and groom

waterrat · 27/09/2016 19:27

You are not unreasonable to a certain extent. Personally I think that members of the bridal company should be allowed to bring kids.

I had a 'sort of' no kids rule - anyone travelling more than an hour or so could bring them - and anyone who said they were struggling with childcare brought them along.

I think a flexible rule is fairer on people - after all while people say a wedding invitation is not a summons, it is sort of if you are part of the bridal party!

I think its fine to not want to leave your 2 year old - but you have said your husband could stay at home.

I have done many weddings with toddlers and I promise they are a massive Pain in the arse to watch over/ control/ get to sleep when tired.

rainbowstardrops · 27/09/2016 19:31

It's a tricky one for sure!
Personally, I don't really 'get' child-free weddings but each to their own.

My own niece is doing just this next year and my 12yr old DD will be the youngest there apparently. It's alien to me but I have to respect her wishes (wonder if she'll feel different if she has to decline an invite if she has a little one in the future?)

From an outsiders point of view, I can see that maybe the B&G think everyone can focus more on them have more fun without having to run around after a potentially tired and fractious child - and if the whole caboodle was local - then I wouldn't mind at all with this but I'd probably have issues if grandparents/family couldn't have my LO overnight seeing as it's so far away.

It would seem that it's not an option to bow out completely. Therefore you'll either have to somehow arrange childcare or your DH will have to stay home.

Must say I'd be pretty pissed off if the B&G are saying a definite no but then other little ones are allowed.

Chippednailvarnishing · 27/09/2016 19:36

Stop trying to manipulate the bride and groom

This.

Shutupanddance1 · 27/09/2016 19:38

I've no idea why people think it's okay to bring their kids to a wedding that they know the bride and groom don't want kids attending. Get a babysitter or decline. Simple. Don't be a tool and have the couple fret over how to tell you that your darling kids aren't invited.

I have a newborn, I'm attending a wedding when baby is 5 months, leaving her with family for the night and plan on having a great time. Baby was invited but I said no. I've also planned for childcare for next year for a wedding when she's 1 as well, planning on getting an extra room for someone to stay with her.

If you have known about the wedding for such a long time, why haven't you arranged anything?

GrumpyOldBag · 27/09/2016 19:40

Christ on a bike.

Why don't you read the other eleventy billion threads that have been written on this topic OP, instead of starting a new one?

On yes, and YABVU.

JustCallMeKate · 27/09/2016 19:40

I don't see why the issue is. It's a child free wedding which means no children, bloody hell, it's not difficult to understand. Either go yourself or don't attend at all but do not expect the bride and groom to bend the rules for you. which I think your hinting at 2 year olds are pains in the arse at weddings anyway, I can see the bride and grooms reasoning.

JustCallMeKate · 27/09/2016 19:40

what not why

Yorkieheaven · 27/09/2016 19:40

Op I totally get your little family unit thing, we all have our little family unit.

However no other bugger wants your family unit shoved into their faces when the wedding is child free.

I have to say you badgering me as a bride would piss me right off and no 2 year olds behave at a wedding. None unless asleep!

Make your choice, go and leave her or decline.

Sciurus83 · 27/09/2016 19:41

pictish
"It's a weekend wedding, not an extended research trip to Antarctica. Get a grip both of you."

HAHAHA!

YABU, clearly. Also your friends wouldn't be upset if DH doesn't go, they will have discussed this as a possibility when they decided on a no children wedding. Bet you a bag of crisps they won't be as devastated as you think they will be.

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Starryeyed16 · 27/09/2016 19:42

Yabu I said no children at my wedding and just my two DC, my friends fully respected that I could afford to cater for all children. I've had a 2year old they are hard work at weddings they get over tired easily and struggle to sit quietly. If the couple are such good friends could you not go on your own and your DH stay at home with the little one? If you do have babysitters enjoy the break, what do you when you go to work or out together as a couple?

Only1scoop · 27/09/2016 19:44

Yabu and don't bring it up with her AGAIN puts her in an awkward position. It's No kids. I don't know what else to say.

LyndaNotLinda · 27/09/2016 19:44

I've realised I missed out a big chunk of my post. When I said you were being precious, I wasn't imagining you leaving her with a sitter at home all weekend, but going away as a family and having a babysitter there who could look after your DD in the afternoon and then your husband could go and put her to bed while you stay on for a few hours.

It's not neurotic to feel like you don't want to leave her with someone you've never met for a whole weekend.

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