To want to bring my child

[Bumpasaurusmumma]

My closest friend is getting married and they've also asked me to be part of the bridal party, which I am honoured.
The issue I have is they've said no children.
Now I can understand this as they feel that people would have more 'fun' without their children there. Trouble is, I wouldn't because it is not a local wedding. It would require a whole weekend away from my child who will be two (just turned) 'by the time the wedding happens.

I have spoken to my husband and he feels the same. That we are a family unit and he doesn't want to be over 4.5 hours away just incase something happens.

Now I have tried to raise this concern with my friends and they just said let's see how things are in six months... all fair and well but I've planned a wedding myself and I'm aware that in six months everything will be booked and sorted, I also know I will feel the same. When they first told us, our child was a small baby and we hadn't attempted to find a childminder etc by that point and naively unaware of the difficulties of finding someone you trust, never mind willing for the whole weekend! So said it probably would be ok. They in turn said if we are having issues to let them know, which we have and they have still said no.

I'd happily pay for my child in terms of food etc...

When we got married (and were none the wiser about getting childminders etc...) we said no children ourselves except for certain exceptions (friends and family travelling several hours and spending the whole weekend) rather than being local and going home same night.

I'm not some precious mother who can't leave her child. We have been out for meals etc, I'm just not comfortable about a whole weekend and my husband feels the same. It wouldn't be feasible to travel there and back in one day.

The other option is to leave my hubby at home and go alone. Which I know they would also be upset by.

AIBU?

[wayway13]

You can't refuse to attend just because you are a parent and it's a no child wedding!

She absolutely can! The B&G have every right to have a child-free wedding and OP has every right to refuse the invite.

[Yorkieheaven]

I don't see there's a problem either.

It's their child free wedding so your child isn't invited.

Either both go and leave her with someone or one of you go or decline.

You can't badger them into accepting your child that's the height of bad manners and as you had a child free wedding yourself look ridiculously hypocritical.

Hasn't she stayed over with grandparents before as she's 2?

Toddlers are a massive pain in the arse generally anyway and vile at weddings. I know I had 4 (tots not weddings)

[AnnPerkins]

Think laterally about other options. How about you all go, DH occupies DC elsewhere during the day and joins you in the evening, leaving DC with a local babysitter in your hotel room?

YANBU to not want to leave your child but it would BU to expect your friends to change their wedding,

[NataliaOsipova]

Go on your own. Have a good time. You can't refuse to attend just because you are a parent and it's a no child wedding! People here travel all over the country and the world and their husbands and kids manage.

Maybe she doesn't want to! Of course you can refuse - and I'd have thought refusing an invitation to a child free wedding because you have a child was up there with the most understandable of reasons....

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

Either accept as a child free event or decline and wish the couple well. I don't get why all the drama - although you are part of the wedding party, I'm sure they will cope without you

[takesnoprisoners]

Either go alone, or decline the event. I don't see why this requires so much discussion!

[mouldycheesefan]

But the reasoning for not going is that the op won't leave her husband and kids for a night. Which is bonkers.

We were invited to a family wedding, no kids. We have nobody who csn have the kids for the night so dh went in his own. It was a flight away.

How will you manage when you or dh have to go away for work or to an event where you both are not invite? Ypu are two different people you aren't joined at the hip.

Decline if ypu really don't want to go, but you seem to be overly anxious about one night away

[pictish]

For Gooness sake - leave your kid at home with dh and go on your own. Or don't go.

"Trouble is, I wouldn't because it is not a local wedding. It would require a whole weekend away from my child who will be two (just turned) 'by the time the wedding happens. I have spoken to my husband and he feels the same. That we are a family unit and he doesn't want to be over 4.5 hours away just in case something happens."

It's a weekend wedding, not an extended research trip to Antarctica. Get a grip both of you.

[MiddleClassProblem]

updet that DH can't come or disappointed? I'm guessing more the latter. Either way if you say he can't come because he has to look after DC then they would either make arrangements for DC to be included or say that's a shame but it we understand...

[pictish]

X-posted with Mouldy.

What she said.

[PikachuBoo]

Get a babysitter local to the wedding. At some point you will need to trust someone to look after your child. You can go through an agency to fins someone qualified, or advertise on the mumsnet local site.
Take your child with you and get a babysitter for the hotel room.
Let go and have some fun without your child. You'll find you enjoy it, and you do have an existence without them.

[GDarling]

Why won't you leave her? She will be fine, what do you think is going to happen to her if you leave her for 2 nights? You might look back and regret not going once you leave yr DD in the future. Most of us know they will be ok, it's you that will miss her, not her missing you, other than the first few hours. Do you not have close family that she will be ok to stay with? Do you never leave her, even for a few hours?
It's a shame, because if you don't go, yr friend will feel guilty and if you do go and leave DD you will feel guilty, I think you should go, she will be fine.
Did you have anyone decline their invitation to your wedding on the grounds of not being able to take their child?? Do you now feel bad that you asked people to leave their children at home? By the way, I bet their kids survived!!!

[pictish]

"Take your child with you and get a babysitter for the hotel room."

Or alternatively, get a grip and attend the wedding like a normal person.

[metaphoricus]

I would go on my own. If, as you say, they will be upset about that then that's not your problem. It was them who made the no children rule - and if you have nobody to leave her with except DH then you very obviously have no other option but to go alone. How do you know they would be upset? Have they said so? Personally, I would be champing at the bit.

[juneau]

If this was me I'd go on my own if you cannot find an appropriate carer for your DC.

I had a child-free wedding and I totally understand couples that make this choice. A wedding is a grown-up affair. There is a ceremony, which DC find boring, and a reception with speeches, dances, etc. Its a formal occasion and IMO ill-suited to the temperaments of most DC and certainly 99.999% of 2-year-olds!

I do, however, think you would be unreasonable to dump the choice of you on your own or your family of three on the bridal couple. You need to decide what you want to do and then tell them. They've said they don't want DC at their wedding. I'd take that at face value, if it were me.

[juneau]

Sorry - rather a mixture of tenses there!

[maddiemookins16mum]

YABU, but I sympathise in a way.
We were at an evening wedding reception a few weeks ago, three lovely wee girls (all in lovely dresses etc). They had a total ball (all under 6). Sadly, this included commandeering the dance floor for 60% of the evening, including during the really rather good singer making it very difficult for any adult couples to dance. Then there was the kareoke (not my thing but the bride and groom love it). Each child sang a song (very, very badly including the trio of them singing "Let it Go" at approx 10.30 pm. By 11pm the bride was quite tearful as she'd thought guests were getting bored. The gurls were very lovely but it was more like a kids' part. They were very close family.

[FruitCider]

They ANBU about not wanting children at their wedding, but they are VERY unreasonable expecting you both to go without your child. I would simply say "Sorry, I am not comfortable with leaving my 2 year old 4.5 hours away without any parents, being as you are unhappy with me coming alone, unfortunately we will have to turn down the invitation."

The ball is then in their court.

[MiddleClassProblem]

I do feel that over your posts it sounds like you won't go alone because of your own feelings rather than theirs.

[BirdInTheRoom]

As others have said, two year olds are the very reason people have child free weddings. I have seen vows & speeches completely ruined by noisy, attention seeking, unruly toddlers. That's not the toddler's fault though - they do not understand what's going on & churches/speeches etc are exceptionally boring for them and they can only sit still for so long!

Definitely do anything other than bring your toddler to this wedding - even if that means going alone and upsetting the bride & groom. They will get over it.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

Why is it that people invited to childfree weddings when they can't/won't leave their child see their attendance as far more important than the wishes of the bride and groom? I really don't get it. They invited you, you can't take your child. So go without the child or decline.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

And they may expresss disappointment but honestly I'm sure they will get over it

[Hulababy]

I can understand you not wanting to leave your young Dd with someone you are not overly familiar with, or even overnight at all if you don't want to. Its not precious to feel like that.

I didn't leave Dd overnight properly with anyone until she was 3. Don't care what others may think now - my child, my choice.

However, they have said no to bring your Dc with you, as is their right to do so.

However - if a couple choses to have a child free wedding then they must accept that some people may not attend for various reasons. They should NOT then be annoyed/upset etc with those people. It is simply a consequence of the choice they made. That is always key when choosing to have a child free celebration.

However if YOU want to go:

Can you go alone and leave DC with your DH?

Or can you all book into the hotel, you attend the ceremony and meal (as part of the bridal party) and your DH could take DD out for the day.?
Then you could go back and see her in the room later, giving your DH an hour or so to mingle with guests in the evening. Then swap again.

[3luckystars]

Just repeating what many others have said, if your child is not welcome and you don't have suitable childcare, then ONE OF YOU CAN GO, either yourself or your dh.
Or else decline the invitation completely, there isn't an option C.

Good luck.

[LightDrizzle]

Go on your own. Text or email your friend now, with plenty of notice, to say it will be just you as your OH is going to stay home with LO due to family ill health threatening babysitting plans and how excited you are. I'm sure there will be no offence.

I took my then toddler to a wedding where children were welcome: I spent most of the service shivering in the church porch with her having legged it with her when she uncharacteristically began to protest. We couldn't focus on our food or socialising at the reception and we left fairly early once all the speeches and cake cutting was done. We were shit guests dspite our best efforts.

I've been to too many weddings where parents aren't prepared to shiver in porches or even step into a different, centrally heated room with their voluble offspring, choosing to stay in place or move to the back of the room ineffectually jiggling them while the rest of us strain to hear the proceedings over the racket.