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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP questioning his ex's parenting

158 replies

SilveryFoxy · 23/08/2016 08:40

DP and I have been together for a few years. He has a young child with his ex.

Their relationship was turbulent and eventually broke down due to her violent outbursts towards him.

She has been depressed since they separated although really seemed to be a great mother who was getting help for her issues and turning her life around.

Over the last 6 months she's been out drinking most weekends, been putting photos of herself in her underwear in Facebook and has had a string of boyfriends who all disappear.

No one is judging her for this, more worried as has confided she is really struggling to fit in with her childless younger friends and isn't happy.

DP would like his child to live with us but I feel his would destroy his ex.

I guess this is more of a wwyd than an Aibu......

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 23/08/2016 08:43

If he thinks his child is not being parented properly then he should go to court for residency.

Does he think his child is not being parented properly?

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 08:44

Well, I'm not surprised he wants her to live with him - he wouldn't be the only NRP to want this!

Going out every weekend - not a parenting issue unless responsible childcare isn't secured. Is it?

Photos - are they obscene or just her in a bra and knickers?

Boyfriends - none of his business unless they present a risk to the child or are causing her to feel insecure etc.

What do you think the effect of this on the little girl might be?

You sound lovely by the way.

BlurtonOnKites4eva · 23/08/2016 08:44

What the fuck has going out on the weekend got to do with your parenting abilities? I hope you've not mentioned loads of awful stuff or this is a joke.

Eebahgum · 23/08/2016 08:46

I think the best way to tackle this is by being supportive - ask if there's anything you can do to help/if she'd like you to have Dc more regularly so she can spend time with her friends. In my experience, mothers find it difficult to agree to children "moving to" the other parent, even when it is clearly best for all involved.

Original poster
SilveryFoxy · 23/08/2016 08:46

I think he's worried that his ex is setting a bad example. He doesn't doubt she's loved and has all her basic needs met by her mother.

His ex's family live on the other side of the country and she has been talking about going to live there where she'd be happier. Obviously DP wouldn't be happy about this but he wants his child to have a stable and happy mother....

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 23/08/2016 08:47

Why don't you be honest and say you're looking for reasons to diss her?

PurpleDaisies · 23/08/2016 08:47

Over the last 6 months she's been out drinking most weekends, been putting photos of herself in her underwear in Facebook and has had a string of boyfriends who all disappear.

Is that it?

Unless she's leaving the kids alone or with someone unsuitable there's nothing wrong with going out. How do the pictures of herself she puts on Facebook constitute "poor parenting"? Having a few boyfriends doesn't necessarily affect the children at all, unless there's a drip feed on the way...

quickquicknamechange · 23/08/2016 08:48

Unless she's taking the child out clubbing with her and posting pics of the kid in her underwear then none of this is a parenting issue.

You/your DP may not think she is a suitable role model but he had a kid with her so at one point he clearly thought she was.

Original poster
SilveryFoxy · 23/08/2016 08:48

It's not the going out that's the issue, more the getting pissed every weekend because she's unhappy.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 08:48

"I think he's worried that his ex is setting a bad example. He doesn't doubt she's loved and has all her basic needs met by her mother."

Then it's more of a dispute about parenting styles than a concern about her welfare, and he is being unreasonable. He has every right to try for more time with her, but not to frame it as her being an unfit parent when actually, he just has different values to his ex.

IzzyIsBusy · 23/08/2016 08:48

Mothers are not allowed to have a life seperate from their children apparently.

If your lovely DPs only concern for his child is that mum has a social life then not really grounds for removing a child. Plus do you really think a court would agree to it based on what you have said?

If he wants to help then maybe he should stop judging her and have dd 50-50.
Also who is she confiding in?

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 08:49

Getting pissed every weekend isn't bad parenting.

PurpleDaisies · 23/08/2016 08:50

I think he's worried that his ex is setting a bad example. He doesn't doubt she's loved and has all her basic needs met by her mother.

So he needs to butt out.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/08/2016 08:52

Who looks after the DD while her mother is out? Is she well cared for and safe? do the boyfriends come home to the house? In other words, is there actually a safeguarding issue here or not? If not, then he doesn't have a leg to stand on, I wouldn't think.

I can understand his feelings, but he can't stop his ex from having a life outside of being a mum - unless she's actively putting their DD at risk.

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2016 08:52

How old is the child?

Original poster
SilveryFoxy · 23/08/2016 08:52

She's confiding in him.

My ex had a drink problem. I'd be worried if he was getting pissed every weekend and introducing my DC to lots of different women.

His ex had mental health issues (anger and depression) and is now drinking every weekend as she's depressed and unhappy with her life. If this was my ex I'd be worried.

OP posts:
AbyssinianBanana · 23/08/2016 08:53

"Getting pissed every weekend isn't bad parenting."

I think it is. Sounds like an alcoholic in the making, using booze to self medicate her depressive moods.

AbyssinianBanana · 23/08/2016 08:53

Cross post

WhooooAmI24601 · 23/08/2016 08:55

It's hard trying to accept when you're split from your child's other parent that when they have them, you have to butt out unless you're truly concerned over their welfare. When DS1's Dad and I split up he introduced DS1 to a couple of women and I went batshit. I've had to learn that he is entitled to behave how he pleases, and that he has every right to make decisions and choices that perhaps I might not.

It's difficult but your DP needs to accept that unless his DD's welfare is at risk it's unlikely he'll get residency and if he applies for it, it could make the relationship between him and his Ex very difficult.

Original poster
SilveryFoxy · 23/08/2016 08:56

I think it's one thing going out, partying and having a life. But when she seems to be going off the rails due to her ungappiness it's different. I think it is DP's business, he's worried for his child.

OP posts:
LotsOfShoes · 23/08/2016 08:57

I disagree. If she's getting pissed every weekend, she's also hungover every weekend, not helping the child with homework, taking her out etc. And she seems to devote more time to her sex life than her kid. If the child has a caring, responsible parent, the child should go live with him. The child's best interests should prevail, she shouldn't be staying with an unfit parent just so that parent doesn't have a breakdown.

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 08:57

No, getting pissed in front of your children or to the extent that their needs are neglected is bad parenting. Having nights out where you happen to get somewhat pissed isn't bad parenting. And diagnoses of alcoholism in the making based on what has been mentioned here are wholly inappropriate.

SaucyJack · 23/08/2016 08:58

Where is the kid while her mother goes out?

If she with you anyway, then I don't think it's a big deal.

But if she's being packed off to anyone who'll have her, then that's not great parenting if it's happening every week.

Family time is important, and it really, genuinely doesn't do a child any good to grow up with a parent who makes it clear they'd rather be in the pub than spend a Saturday with their own kid.

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 08:58

Some right pearl clutching going on here this morning.

"Mother has social life and drinks alcohol."

Shock. Horror.

IzzyIsBusy · 23/08/2016 09:00

Depends on if she is arranging for the child to be looked after by somebody else.
In my younger days i went out all weekend didnt make me an alcoholic in fact lots and lots of people go out every weekend.

So the ex HAD mh issues but he was happy to leave the relationship and the child with her then? And now she is depressed again because she is out every weekend.....okay then.

Sounds more like your DP is jelous and doesnt like the idea of his ex getting on with her life. How does he know how many men she has in her life?
Doesnt it seem a bit strange he is so focused on her social and sex life but has not bothered to tackle her supposed mh?

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