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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP questioning his ex's parenting

158 replies

SilveryFoxy · 23/08/2016 08:40

DP and I have been together for a few years. He has a young child with his ex.

Their relationship was turbulent and eventually broke down due to her violent outbursts towards him.

She has been depressed since they separated although really seemed to be a great mother who was getting help for her issues and turning her life around.

Over the last 6 months she's been out drinking most weekends, been putting photos of herself in her underwear in Facebook and has had a string of boyfriends who all disappear.

No one is judging her for this, more worried as has confided she is really struggling to fit in with her childless younger friends and isn't happy.

DP would like his child to live with us but I feel his would destroy his ex.

I guess this is more of a wwyd than an Aibu......

OP posts:
Original poster
SilveryFoxy · 23/08/2016 09:00

DP grew up with a neglectful alcoholic mother so I guess he may be over sensitive to the issue.

He's really not sure how to handle to situation as he has said her personal life isn't his business. He's still worried though.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 23/08/2016 09:04

And she seems to devote more time to her sex life than her kid.

How did you get that from what the op has said?

AppleSetsSail · 23/08/2016 09:04

It's not great being a lone parent and getting drunk every weekend. Surely this is quite separate from 'having a social life'.

It's difficult to plough through a hangover with a young child. Corners are cut. We all know this.

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2016 09:05

if he is worried he should go for 50:50 or for residency. What's stopping him?

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 09:06

Apple: Sometimes cutting corners is fine. We don't all aspire to perfection. I would agree that SPENDING all weekend every weekend drunk is very poor, whether you're a single parent or not. A night out isn't, even with a bit of a sore head the next day.

CannotEvenDeal · 23/08/2016 09:06

I think your dp has every right to be concerned.

Fwiw she sounds very similar to my dh's exw and she willingly went from 50/50 to full residency for us.

Original poster
SilveryFoxy · 23/08/2016 09:08

I was a young single parent and for the first year or so found it a real struggle. None of my friends had DC and I spent a lot of time going out and not really focusing on my child. I was depressed and lonely, it was a very difficult time. I wasn't a great parent.

I like to think I am now. I really empathise with her, it's difficult.

OP posts:
IzzyIsBusy · 23/08/2016 09:09

Apple how do we know she is hungover? Is the ex there to see how she copes?
Seems he knows alot about her private life.

If he has the child eow then maybe they are the weekends she is going out?
The OP states the child is well cared for and loved so no welfare concerns. His only concern seems to be that mum has a life.

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2016 09:10

Why isn't he going for 50:50 or full residency?

emilybrontescorset · 23/08/2016 09:10

Could your dp suggest having his child every weekend?

PurpleDaisies · 23/08/2016 09:11

I was a young single parent and for the first year or so found it a real struggle. None of my friends had DC and I spent a lot of time going out and not really focusing on my child. I was depressed and lonely, it was a very difficult time. I wasn't a great parent.

So you're projecting what happened with you onto her.

You've said there are no welfare concerns for the child. What chance do you think your partner would have in getting full custody?

juneau · 23/08/2016 09:11

If I was the other parent of this DC I would be worried too. A depressed lone parent who is drinking regularly and heavily and introducing the DC to a number of different men is not a great situation for any DC. Sometimes of on MN I feel posters take the whole 'don't judge' line far too far. Its not fair to make a mountain out of a molehill and this young woman is clearly in need of help and support, but in the meantime it really doesn't sound like she's doing a great job of parenting her DC, whether or not she loves the DC or not. If I was the DF of this DC I'd have already applied to the court for residency.

OneArt · 23/08/2016 09:13

How often does your DP have his child?

JenLindley · 23/08/2016 09:13

His ex's family live on the other side of the country and she has been talking about going to live there where she'd be happier.

This is his real motivation. The weekend drinking and FB etc are just what he has dug up to justify going for residency.

AppleSetsSail · 23/08/2016 09:13

Apple how do we know she is hungover?

I'm taking a wild guess. Wink

Original poster
SilveryFoxy · 23/08/2016 09:13

If I am projecting it's because what she's said to DP has really resonated with my own feeling at that time. She was in tears apparently.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 23/08/2016 09:14

A depressed lone parent who is drinking regularly and heavily and introducing the DC to a number of different men is not a great situation for any DC.

We don't know the boyfriends are introduced to the child. The mum may only be drinking on nights out where the child is safely looked after by someone else. Being depressed doesn't automatically make you a bad parent.

Again, the op's said there are no concerns about the child's welfare and this is about the mum setting a "bad example".

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 09:17

"A depressed lone parent who is drinking regularly and heavily and introducing the DC to a number of different men is not a great situation for any DC."

And sometimes I think people on MN are incredibly quick to leap to judgement. The OP has said the child's basic needs are being met. The rest comes down to puritanical musings about her alcohol consumption (when for all we know, we're talking a few glasses of wine on a Friday, not a weekend on the piss), her 'depression', which a) the OP said she has been addressing and b) is extremely common whether you're a parent or not, and 'men' - we don't know how many men, we don't know whether they're having any negative effect. They're just boyfriends.

MrsCampbellBlack · 23/08/2016 09:17

Do you and your DP have his child at weekends? Many single parents go out on the weekends that their ex has the children surely?

Also how old is the child. Not sure what access arrangements are in place - is it 50:50?

dowhatnow · 23/08/2016 09:18

You had a bad year. How would you have felt if your child was removed from your care in that year?

Can your Dp help her to get help for her to sort herself out or at least give her plenty of warning that she needs to be a better parent or he will be looking for residency etc. She needs a chance.

IzzyIsBusy · 23/08/2016 09:18

Because being a lone parent is a bloody struggle sometimes so being upset or low is ok and doesnt mean your child should be removed from your care!

I cope very well with a hangover Apple it does not impact on my patenting DP on the other hand is rubbish and dies for the day. Everyone is different.
I think Jen has nailed it. He doesnt want her to move away and instead of offering support her he is trying to make her out to be a bad mum.

Mmmm your DP sounds like such a gem Hmm

PurpleDaisies · 23/08/2016 09:19

Can your Dp help her to get help for her to sort herself out or at least give her plenty of warning that she needs to be a better parent or he will be looking for residency etc. She needs a chance.

Seriously? The op says the child's needs are being met. On what grounds can he demand that she be "a better parent"?

JenLindley · 23/08/2016 09:26

I've been a lone parent for most of the 11 years I've been a parent (apart from 2 years with DC's dad) in that time I have had some honking hangovers following nights that I have no recollection of, I've had weekends away and even a week away with my sister. I've had some boyfriends too. My DC to this day know none of it. They never met a single boyfriend or even knew of his existence or saw me hungover. Because they were either with their dad (who has introduced several girlfriends despite having 13 out of 14 days a fortnight for his own social life and who drinks whilst DC are there) or with my parents who treat them like their own DC, they have their own rooms there and love being at granny's. And yes I've had depression over those years too.

CannotEvenDeal · 23/08/2016 09:27

If this thread were flipped about a bloke getting wasted every weekend and introducing loads of woman to his dd it would be oh so different... Hmm

BeyondLovesSweetDee · 23/08/2016 09:28

What are the residency arrangements at present?

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