DP questioning his ex's parenting

[SilveryFoxy]

DP and I have been together for a few years. He has a young child with his ex.

Their relationship was turbulent and eventually broke down due to her violent outbursts towards him.

She has been depressed since they separated although really seemed to be a great mother who was getting help for her issues and turning her life around.

Over the last 6 months she's been out drinking most weekends, been putting photos of herself in her underwear in Facebook and has had a string of boyfriends who all disappear.

No one is judging her for this, more worried as has confided she is really struggling to fit in with her childless younger friends and isn't happy.

DP would like his child to live with us but I feel his would destroy his ex.

I guess this is more of a wwyd than an Aibu......

OP it sounds to me that you're worried these might be early warning signs of someone going off the rails. It's ok to be concerned.

Although for some posters, you're never going to be anything but an interfering, hateful woman. Which is sad. If you OP was exactly the same, except you were her friend, not her ex-DPs partner, you'd get different replies.

I really hope for her sake that these aren't warning signs, and she's just trying to reignite a social life.

Surely he should offer to have the child at weekends - or mix it up. Not fair for one parent to do all weekends/or all week days.

However, it is surely a lot 'easier' to look after a child mid-week as they are at school most of the time. Certainly easier to then judge the other parent if they're the ones who have them every single weekend.

I'm surprised at the number of posts that seem to imply that if a child's basic needs are being met and that there are no safeguarding issues that then this is good parenting. Presumably the OP's DP is aiming for a higher standard for his child than the meeting of basic needs?

If the reason for raising concerns about the mothers behaviour is due to fears of her possibly moving, then it's underhand and if I were you OP, I would recommend that he deal with the two issues separately. Going out having fun is different than going out to try to blot out depression in the mistaken hope it will boost self confidence. If her friends are younger and childless then it suggests she yearns for different life, or perhaps needs to pal up with friends whose life better reflects her position as a lone parent. She would be better understood and supported.

Excellent post honeysuckle So true about the different replies, sadly.

The replies would be very different if this was the dad getting pissed every weekend and having girlfriends round.

Shock horror a dad cares about his kid

Sorry but imo getting shit faced every weekend is not good parenting, let's face it.

Op if your oh is worried he should apply for at least 50:50 care.

Still no mention of the age of the child .....if they are a few years apart then the child is school age ? If Dad wants residence in the week will that impact on time needed in childcare? This sounds all about what Dad wants and little about disruption to a well cared for and settled child.

I think if it was the dad getting pissed every weekend people would be suggesting as they are here that the mother ups contact.

Certainly not that all weekend contact is stopped.

How far away is her hometown OP? If she were to move back there, then what would mean for his contact time with his DD?

It seems fairly clear that she's lonely and depressed, and is quite possibly using the binge drinking to fill a gap in her life. This isn't going to be great for either her or her child- no matter how much the party animals on this thread like to shout otherwise.

Assuming her own family are "normal" non-toxic types, then undoubtedly she'd be happier if she moved back to where she could have a support network, and a social life that didn't revolve around adult drinking time in the pub.

It's not necessarily going to be better for the kid to move tho- and certainly not better for your DP. It's a tricky one.

Surprised by some of the replies you're getting OP. I think you sound like you're trying to do the right thing by everyone & need to voice your concerns.

Well as a starting point I think your DP needs to talk to his ex again and offer to have the DC every other weekend for the full 48 hours so she gets 1/2 weekends off for socialising. He could also offer to have her 50:50 during the week. If she's getting treatment for her depression then that's a good sign, but generally depression isn't something that just gets fixed with treatment. If she suffers with it chances are that its going to keep coming back, so she and he need to make a plan that means she has ongoing support.

As for the move - I can't see that it would be in the DC's interest to move to the far side of the country. When you have a DC with someone you have a duty to ensure that DC has a relationship with both of you, even if you break up. Is the DM's depression going to magically go away if she moves? Probably not. And both your DP and his DD will be deprived of each other, which is well-known to be detrimental to a DC's development. If I was your DP I'd be trying to support his ex and help her make her life better, rather than move his DD hundreds of miles away.

Surprised by some of the replies you're getting OP. I think you sound like you're trying to do the right thing by everyone & need to voice your concerns.

Yes, everyone falling all over themselves to prove how open-minded they are when there's no way you'd want your own child to be living under these circumstances.

The OP's husband is allowed to aim a little higher than 'covering basic needs' for his kid.

Perhaps the best way to support her is for your DP to have a conversation with her, ask him if she need a bit more support or perhaps for the DD to spend more time with him to allow her some time on her own.

I think that would put her in a better stead than telling her that he is contemplating taking her to court given his concerns, at the end of the day, this situation may be only a temporal thing if she is feeling overwhelmed about other stuff.

Always try the friendly approach before even mentioning about permanently changing contact arrangements/going to court, as the sole mention of court can make the situation very volatile for her and DSD if she is already feeling under pressure.

I appreciate that there are other views on what 'good parenting' looks like with regards to how often a mum goes out and how much she drinks, but the reality is that people differ on lots of aspects of parenting. I would be scalped on MN, for example, if I wrote that co-sleeping was bad parenting because it doesn't set a good example or teach discipline, or if I said kids benefit from a smack now and then. Both perfectly legal views, both not examples of what some people would call 'good parenting'. That's why whether a child's basic needs (physical and emotional) are being met IS a relevant question, and it isn't the place of the co-parent to question aspects of individual parenting styles unless there are genuine welfare concerns. There aren't in this case, just judgements on how often she should go out

It's not to do with the amount she goes out necessarily. It's to do with whether she prioritises drinking/hangovers over spending time with her own child, and whether her lack of enjoyment in her own life will affect her child's self-esteem.

Do you have children yourself? There is far, far more to parenting than meeting basic needs, and living with a parent who is unhappy with their role and responsibilities in life can be very damaging in the long-term.

But Saucy, you can't ever go out without occasionally prioritising that over your child, can you? If a mother is going out weekly, she isn't neglecting her child or his/her needs, she is balancing them with her own need for a personal life. I have no problem with that. You might have a problem with it but that's why we have concepts like 'basic needs' - to allow for differences of opinion.

And no, I am pregnant with my first, but I don't see what relevance that has?

There aren't in this case, just judgements on how often she should go out

Going out isn't the issue. Parents can and should go out. They need a social life. Falling into an alcohol problem is completely different, and frankly not a luxury that a single parent can afford because there's no fallback on any given night.

And for all the open-mindedness about her naked selfies and serial boyfriends - no one wants this for their child. If she's keeping it perfectly segregated then great, but maintaining these silos requires quite a lot of effort and most people don't succeed. Even if they do, kids grow up and figure stuff out.

Apple: Some people simply wouldn't agree with you about boyfriends or pictures with underwear. Unless she is actually neglecting or physically/emotionally harming her child, she is entitled to parent in ways that don't correlate to your idea - or that of her ex - about what parenting requires.

Do you have children yourself? There is far, far more to parenting than meeting basic needs, and living with a parent who is unhappy with their role and responsibilities in life can be very damaging in the long-term.

Of course, no one without a child of their own could possibly have anything useful to contribute to a discussion about raising children. None of us are aunts, teachers, paediatricians, social workers, have friends with children who we support though tough times...

cannot completely agree withyou, if this was about the father the replies would be completely different!
Because it's about the mother ( and also written my the gf) then clearly the mother is not at fault in any way
All the comments just go to court and get 50/50, like it's that easy.

Ofcourse op's dp is worried about his dd. Her basic needs are being met, so that's fine then?
It does sound like the mother is depressed and that's sad.
She doesn't have to be a bad mother, just struggling with life at the moment.
I agree with others, get dp to ask her if she needs more support right now, can he have dd for more days and give her a break?

But this isn't occasional tho.

This is every weekend, and once a kid is of school age weekends do become precious. If she is hungover every single time the OP's partner goes to drop her back then it is slightly neglectful. When do they ever go to the zoo, or swimming, or soft play?

There needs to be more to life than waiting for Saturday nights in the pub when you have a kid (although once you're as old as me you'll be just as happy day on the sofa at home anyway). I'm not a martyr- and I'm certainly noone's idea of a teetotaller- but this balance just sounds off kilter. Parenting comes before your personal life.

Oh dear me. Not taking your child to the zoo or to soft play isn't neglect, Saucy. I'm sorry but it just isn't. These things are differences in parenting styles and perfectly legitimate ones at that (wouldn't be seen dead at soft play, love the zoo, personally).

And you have no idea how much the woman drinks or whether she is even hungover after she has been out. Stop making assumptions!

If she is hungover every single time the OP's partner goes to drop her back then it is slightly neglectful. When do they ever go to the zoo, or swimming, or soft play?

Yes, courts are well known for removing children from their parents when they aren't taken to the zoo etc.

And anyway, who says this mother doesn't take her child to those things?

I wouldn't say any of the things in the OP were 'issues' tbh. Unless she is getting the child to take the photos of herself posing in her underwear or something which I seriously doubt. The string of boyfriends..where on earth is the problem with that? She is single. Going out..oh dear. Aslong as proper childcare arrangements are sorted then again, no big deal.

IF he seriously thinks there are parenting issues, I suggest attempting to go for full residency. Whether this will 'destroy' the ex or not is not really the issue here, his loyalty is to his children...sorry if this sounds harsh but it is true.

Oh fuck.
I have never taken mine to the zoo.
I dont agree with wild animals being kept in cages.
I suppose my dc should be removed from my care