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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP questioning his ex's parenting

158 replies

SilveryFoxy · 23/08/2016 08:40

DP and I have been together for a few years. He has a young child with his ex.

Their relationship was turbulent and eventually broke down due to her violent outbursts towards him.

She has been depressed since they separated although really seemed to be a great mother who was getting help for her issues and turning her life around.

Over the last 6 months she's been out drinking most weekends, been putting photos of herself in her underwear in Facebook and has had a string of boyfriends who all disappear.

No one is judging her for this, more worried as has confided she is really struggling to fit in with her childless younger friends and isn't happy.

DP would like his child to live with us but I feel his would destroy his ex.

I guess this is more of a wwyd than an Aibu......

OP posts:

CannotEvenDeal · 23/08/2016 15:56

It's so boring when people misinterpret posts on purpose ffs

cannotlogin · 23/08/2016 16:17

Why is that a misinterpretation? It is not obligatory to take your children to these places to be considered a good enough parent by the standards of the courts, Social Services etc. Plenty of children grow up around parents who are regularly hung over and spend their Sunday's in front of the TV. Plenty more have non-hungover parents and spend hours in front of the TV. It is not enough for professional intervention. It is a parenting choice.

And I love the 'poor mum wouldn't cope' suggestion. Who is this about? The parent or the child? I can assure you that plenty of parents fight tooth and nail for their children because they believe their children to be at risk with the other parent. They don't give a second thought to the other parent's mental health. This situation is not enough for the courts to act.

milkyface · 23/08/2016 16:27

Ah so her mum getting shitfaced every weekend is okay because she's meeting the child's basic needs.

Sorry but I didn't have a baby so I could only meet his basic needs.

We all have basic needs that need to be met, but if that's all we ever got we wouldn't be happy would we?! Like fuck we would.

CannotEvenDeal · 23/08/2016 16:27

A throwaway comment about the zoo has become the main focus of so many posts and it's dull. That poster never said that not going to the zoo = bad parenting.

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 16:32

Cannot: The implied meaning was that not taking your child out to activities is neglect. People are bound to respond to that because it's crackers.

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 16:33

Milky: We don't know if she gets shitfaced, but provided the child's needs are being met, it's none of anyone else's business.

PinkyOfPie · 23/08/2016 16:39

If she is hungover every single time the OP's partner goes to drop her back then it is slightly neglectful. When do they ever go to the zoo, or swimming, or soft play?

Christ a lot of presumptions on this thread. Where did OP say she didn't take her child on days out? Should poor people who can't afford soft play have their kids removed too?

How is being hungover neglectful? She's in bed when OP's DH drops the DD back off - so what? What's she supposed to be doing, baking with a bow ties in her hair? If DD was away every Saturday night too right I'd sleep in til I pleased. As long as, when the ex leaves, she's not going back to bed and leaving her alone downstairs, I don't see how this is neglectful? And it doesn't sound like that way from the OP.

OP I think your DH would be mean to use their heart-to-heart against her to take her child off her. I also think you are rather judgemental about her lifestyle, but despite your efforts I see no cause to believe her actual parenting isn't up to scratch. Have you ever thought what your DSD might like? I imagine most daughters would be devastated to be taken away from their mothers, no matter how close they are to their dads

I also think it's important to point out that people with MH issues can be perfectly good parents and it would never be a valid reason (unless the child was in real danger) to put a child with the NRP parent

PinkyOfPie · 23/08/2016 16:41

Threads like this are rather depressing, I really think some people expect that when mums are away from their kids that they should sit Ching on the sofa all night about how much they miss them

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 16:47

I think that's right, Pinky. Women who have kids and still go out, enjoy a drink and meet potential boyfriends are seen as insufficiently wrapped up in their children by some.

CannotEvenDeal · 23/08/2016 16:54

Well I think that if the women on here were truthful they would admit to being less than pleased if their ex were pulling these kinds of stunts. Mumsnet double standards are thriving today

IzzyIsBusy · 23/08/2016 16:59

But Trifle going out if the menz say it ok is alright isnt it?? Surely how they feel and what they want is what matters cos women cant be both a mother and have a social life.

End of the day this man was happy to leave his child in the care of his abusive and violent ex for a few years...... due to her violent outbursts towards him.

Yet now seen as the violent ex is having drinks, meeting people and behaving in a way HE deems unfit she only deserves to have her child taken from her.

Funny isnt it, women who post at being in a violent relationship are told to take their children with them then do all they can to protect them at contact. Yet her we have wonder dad who left his young child in the care of a violent parent for a few years until he has decided the mum is unfit. Not for her violence but because she goes out on a weekend

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 17:01

That isn't really the point, Cannot. I can say I might not choose to do something myself and might not think it was the best thing for my kids without thinking it's my role to foist that opinion onto others. That is what courts do. If the OP's partner thinks a court would support him he should go for it, but I think he would be mistaken because she isn't actually neglecting her kid by the sounds of it.

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 17:03

Spot on, Izzy. The hypocrisy stinks.

milkyface · 23/08/2016 17:05

Double standards all over this thread.

Whether it was a bloke or a woman I'd still think it was pretty shit behaviour.

Yes fine go out get shitfaced (or not!) but not every bloody weekend.

Why is the kid not with its dad when the mum is out?! Then she can get as shitfaced as she wants and the kids not being left alone/with a babysitter / with another family member.

Sorry but I don't believe that if this was someone's ex dh, that half the posters would be saying ooh can't he have a social life, the child's needs are being met.

It would how selfish that the father spends his contact time with women and getting drunk.

Yet it's ok for a mother because she deserves a social life and time away from the kids.

Yes of course everyone deserves a social life but it's excessive.

To me posting underwear pics on fb strikes me that she's on a downward spiral. Happy stable people don't do that.

PinkyOfPie · 23/08/2016 17:07

Actually I think if fathers looked after their kids 5 days a week and enjoyed a few drinks on a Saturday night, everyone would harp on about how it was 'hard earned' - yes even on MN!

And I don't think they'd be wrong - same as women

IzzyIsBusy · 23/08/2016 17:07

Doesnt it just but gey double standards are only valid if it is against the poor menz.

End of the day this men didnt give a crap about his child or that he had left her with an apparantly mentally unstable violent women. He now only seems to care because she has a social life, is having dates and sometimes struggles with being a single mum.
If i was the OP i wouldnt be raising questions about the childs welfare i would be more worried that he is jelous and controlling and why does it matter to him now?

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge · 23/08/2016 17:09

Why doesn't he actually talk to her? She may be happier if they share custody more equally. My cousin has a 50/50 arrangement and it works for them all. They are both close to her school so she has consistency and it means they both have chunks of child free time.

You also need to stay out of it for now but decide if you are prepared to step up if he does have his Dc more often.

PinkyOfPie · 23/08/2016 17:10

Yes fine go out get shitfaced (or not!) but not every bloody weekend.

But if that's what she wants to do, can afford it, is safe and having fun, why not? How many weekends would be acceptable? Do you expect her to stay in sitting on her hands rather than going out, which is what she wants to do, simply because she's a mum?

PinkyOfPie · 23/08/2016 17:13

Also I don't see the issue of the DD is with a family member. My 3yo DD often spends a night a week at her granny's house and adores every second, hates being picked up. I never thought of it as neglectful mind you I'm not going out and getting pissed unfortunately so maybe neglect doesn't count in my case?

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 17:14

It is punitive to say that a single parent can only enjoy nights out if they are willing to offer the time as contact time. That might be the time the child spends with nan and grandad, or the parent might prefer them to be babysat by a paid sitter - that is their right. You don't get to dictate how your ex spends their time. I would say that if the parent in question was the father as well.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge · 23/08/2016 17:14

I see he has talked to her a bit but I mean about custody. He needs to say look I'm worried about you and our dc. What can I do to make things easier for you?

It's perfectly fine to care about the welfare of your child's mother. She needs to find someone else to help her deal with her day to day support in terms of listening to her but he can help in terms of dc.

Ask her what may make things easier, more contact, different days etc?

Oswin · 23/08/2016 17:17

Err milky face she's going out when the kids with the dad!
Can't see the problem.
Her child isn't there she goes out.
Next day has a lie in till he's home.

Last Saturday dd stayed at her dads the night. I went out had a drink.

Sat in bed all Sunday eating shit food and watching turner and hooch.

She wasn't there so what am I meant to sit waiting for her and not do anything I find nice.

XiCi · 23/08/2016 17:18

So he wants to change the arrangements so she now has no weekends off at all? Doesn't sound like he's trying to help her at all tbh. Surely that would pile on more pressure.

Why doesn't he just talk to her and ask her what he can do to help? I can understand his concerns re her moving away but if she is struggling with her MH then it might be the best thing for her and the child to be near the support of friends and family. How far away would she move?

IzzyIsBusy · 23/08/2016 17:23

Sat in bed all Sunday eating shit food and watching turner and hooch.

Oswin are you me?
I spent my Sunday in the exact same way

**Disclaimer the DC were with their dad and are not back until tomorrow. Also exdh is not a twat and has no need to want to remove dc from me because i get pissed sometimes when they are not here.

MeMySonandl · 23/08/2016 17:25

"
What he suggested was having his child for 3 days during the week and his ex having her over the weekends. That way she gets to spend the quality time rather than the day to day slog with her. "

Well actually, that is a pretty crap suggestion, she is complaining she doesn't have Much time to herself and you suggest to take away all the little free time she has in the weekends?

Are you sure you are not trying to screw her up?

Honestly, if you want to really help while keeping the same ratio of days, suggest Friday after school to Sunday night/morning school drop off in alternate weekends. That way she has time to have quality time with her child but also to catch up with herself and socialise a bit when her DD is not around, you will also get more time to do nicer things with you DSD if you have her for longer hours.

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