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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP questioning his ex's parenting

158 replies

SilveryFoxy · 23/08/2016 08:40

DP and I have been together for a few years. He has a young child with his ex.

Their relationship was turbulent and eventually broke down due to her violent outbursts towards him.

She has been depressed since they separated although really seemed to be a great mother who was getting help for her issues and turning her life around.

Over the last 6 months she's been out drinking most weekends, been putting photos of herself in her underwear in Facebook and has had a string of boyfriends who all disappear.

No one is judging her for this, more worried as has confided she is really struggling to fit in with her childless younger friends and isn't happy.

DP would like his child to live with us but I feel his would destroy his ex.

I guess this is more of a wwyd than an Aibu......

OP posts:
BeyondLovesSweetDee · 23/08/2016 09:28

And how old is the child?

SaucyJack · 23/08/2016 09:29

Are you going to answer the question of where the kid is while her mum is out drinking OP?

whattodowiththepoo · 23/08/2016 09:29

Jesus Christ, some posters on here might need to be reminded that they aren't the mother concerned.
So much projection!

c3pu · 23/08/2016 09:33

TBH I have sympathy for the OP. Sounds like it could have been written about my boys mum.

As most of you are saying, going out at the weekend and having boyfriends isn't anyone else's business, which is quite right.

Until one of the boyfriends turned out to be a peadophile.

And another was a drug dealer.

And another was a wife beater.

By that time Children's Services were involved, and as soon as it was practical I took the kids to live with me. Eventually she managed to sort herself out, and we now have shared care for the kids...

Anyway I've digressed. Hopefully the OP's situation doesn't degenerate in quite the way that mine did, but by all means keep a close eye on things. If she's having lots of boyfriends around the children and she isn't vetting them properly then it can well turn into a serious issue.

Welshrainbow · 23/08/2016 09:40

It really doesn't sound like she is a bad mother just that she has got into a bit of a rut, if the child is still well cared go and happy then I don't think your DP going for residency is going to help matters it will be an upheaval for the child and could make what seems like an amicable relationship with his ex a whole lot more difficult. Instead maybe he should offer to have the child more often or even to babysit in the evenings and encourage her to widen her social circle to include other young parents instead of just her younger childless friends.

IzzyIsBusy · 23/08/2016 09:44

CannotEvenDeal
If this thread were flipped about a bloke getting wasted every weekend and introducing loads of woman to his dd it would be oh so different

There are many threads where mum is complaining the ex has yet another gf and they are advised there is nothing they can do about it. It is not their busdiness.

End of the day the dad is worried that the mums social life is impacting on the child yet there is no evidence to say that is happening. OP has said the child is cared for and loved so where are the concerns for her welfare?
Seems more like dad is concerned he has no control over how his ex lives her life.

Also cp not every man is a child abuser or a drug dealer and your projecting is waaayyy over the top there.

BeyondLovesSweetDee · 23/08/2016 09:44

It doesn't sound like he has 50:50, weird considering he's so concerned about the mother..?

And on those lines "and as soon as it was practical" c3pu? Your children were being exposed to drug dealers and paedophiles, and you waited til it was practical to move them in with you? Shock

CannotEvenDeal · 23/08/2016 09:49

Fair enough Izzy but I'm yet to see one where the female op gets told to be more supportive of the heavy-drinking, serial dating dad Smile

trafalgargal · 23/08/2016 09:50

So whilst Dad has the child Mum goes out and is building a new social life. Nowhere does the OP mention that the child is impacted by this or suggests boyfriends are even introduced to the DC.

I'd be more concerned that my DP was stalking his ex's every move on FB and fantasising about her sex life with every bloke she has on her FB or spends any time with. He needs to realise he cannot control his ex , presumably there were good reasons he didn't want residence at the time like a new girlfriend . He needs to stop trying to control her and mind his business or he's increasing the chances she will move away.

phoebe69b · 23/08/2016 09:52

Mother has social life and drinks alcohol. Shock. Horror.

IT IS A FUCKING SHOCK. Especially when DC is at a young age. Who's going to take care of the kid while the "mother" goes out getting drunk? (nothing wrong with having a few drinks, BUT ONLY IF YOUR MENTALLY STABLE AND YOUR KID IS NOT ALONE AND SOMEWHERE SAFE!) What kind of example does this "mother" give?

IzzyIsBusy · 23/08/2016 09:53

Erm where does it say mum leaves the child alone?

BeyondLovesSweetDee · 23/08/2016 09:54

Either
a) mother is leaving child with a babysitter. In this case - why does the dad not have sufficient shared custody that he has the child?

Or

b) the father actually does have the child when mother goes out, in which case it's sweet FA to do with him

BeyondLovesSweetDee · 23/08/2016 09:55

If OP could clarify those points, it would make discussion oodles easier :)

c3pu · 23/08/2016 10:10

IzzyIsBusy No I'm not saying that every man is like that LOL! I'm just pointing out what can occur if care is not taken. There are plenty of bad eggs out there, some who try to take advantage of single mothers.

BeyondLovesSweetDee Yes, as soon as it was practical. Unfortunately I had to wait until I had somewhere they could live...

trafalgargal · 23/08/2016 10:14

OP says she has been with him "a few years" so either the child is not that young, they got together very fast or she was the OW and those few years include time he was still with his ex.

It seems odd to me that it has taken the Father "a few years" before deciding he isn't happy with his child's care all of a sudden. Also who has chats about their personal business with an ex (especially one with a long term girlfriend) a few years later ? He sounds far too interested in his ex's personal business than is healthy either for his ex or the new partner.

trafalgargal · 23/08/2016 10:17

If they really are a few years separated the fact she has had several boyfriends is hardly an indication of a problem. Several could mean three boyfriends in five years with each relationship lasting a year.

Original poster
SilveryFoxy · 23/08/2016 10:19

DP has his child 2 days/nights a week. One if those is a weekend.

She is often in bed hungover when he drops his child off.

The situation would not be a problem if she had not confided in him in tears about how unhappy and insecure she is hence the drinking and dodgy photos/men.

DP has every right to feel concerned about his child in the circumstances. He hasn't said he is going to snatch the child, he doesn't know what to do hence asking for some advice.

OP posts:
c3pu · 23/08/2016 10:23

Practically, the most sensible thing he can do is ask for some more contact. It'll take the pressure of looking after the child from the mum a little, and the child gets to spend more time with the father. Win-Win situation if the mum agrees to it.

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2016 10:26

Why doesn't he go for 50:50 or for residency?

BeyondLovesSweetDee · 23/08/2016 10:29

Is it informal or court appointed? I agree that more contact is win-win, but wonder why he doesn't have 50-50 already?

BeyondLovesSweetDee · 23/08/2016 10:29

(As it tends to be the starting point ideally nowadays)

c3pu · 23/08/2016 10:30

BertrandRussell It's next to impossible to turn over an established residence situation without proven child protection concerns (which the OP's partner does NOT have), but shared care is more likely if it is practical and achievable.

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2016 10:33

Oh, there was me thinking he had concerns for his child's welfare.......

Original poster
SilveryFoxy · 23/08/2016 10:35

No formal residency order in place.

What he suggested was having his child for 3 days during the week and his ex having her over the weekends. That way she gets to spend the quality time rather than the day to day slog with her.

Personally I don't know if it might make the mother worse having her child taken away for longer. I know I wouldn't have been happy about that in her situation.

What the mother really wants is to move back to her hometown were she has friends and family.

DP understand this although is devastated at the thought. I think he's worried she could go there and thins could carry on/get worse and he won't be there.

It's really tough.

OP posts:
c3pu · 23/08/2016 10:40

BertrandRussell No doubt he has concerns, but they are far from valid and proven. Unless he has children's services on his side, he'll never be able to show that it is n the child's best interests to live with him instead of in his current home.

SilveryFoxy I guess the trouble with having the child only during the week is that the mum likes going out at the weekends?

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