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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP questioning his ex's parenting

158 replies

SilveryFoxy · 23/08/2016 08:40

DP and I have been together for a few years. He has a young child with his ex.

Their relationship was turbulent and eventually broke down due to her violent outbursts towards him.

She has been depressed since they separated although really seemed to be a great mother who was getting help for her issues and turning her life around.

Over the last 6 months she's been out drinking most weekends, been putting photos of herself in her underwear in Facebook and has had a string of boyfriends who all disappear.

No one is judging her for this, more worried as has confided she is really struggling to fit in with her childless younger friends and isn't happy.

DP would like his child to live with us but I feel his would destroy his ex.

I guess this is more of a wwyd than an Aibu......

OP posts:
CannotEvenDeal · 23/08/2016 17:28

Well OP my dh got fed up of his ex not getting out of bed to interact with her son due to her benders and we successfully secured an RO from having had 50:50.

I don't think it's justifiable to be in bed from a hangover on a regular basis when your child is returned to you.

My dh's exw willingly gave us residency and ended up moving away. I'm the early days she either missed contact or was extremely late. Now they are NC through her choice.

I don't think she should have been sitting on her hands nor baking with bows in her hair or racing to the zoo or soft play every weekend. But I DO think it's sad that meeting a child's basic needs are given the OK by so many posters on here.

goddessoftheharvest · 23/08/2016 17:30

Are you SURE she is going out every weekend? I know someone who said this about an ex. It turns out the ex was in fact going clubbing EOW when the child was at the NRP for a few days. Wasn't even drinking so much, just wanted to get out and dance. She was 26 so why the hell not

IzzyIsBusy · 23/08/2016 17:32

I am always amazed at how they know every tiny detail of the exes life Hmm

I think it must part social media stalking and part making it up to suit. Very odd behaviour.

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 17:35

Cannot: What I am saying is that it's not neglect to have a hangover. Who says she isn't in bed when her child is returned but gets up and spends time with her downstairs or in the garden, or takes her out somewhere in the afternoon? What would be wrong with that? I don't think meeting basic needs is model parenting; I just reject the suggestion that it is neglect.

CannotEvenDeal · 23/08/2016 17:35

It's not necessarily stalking when the photos are set to 'public' for all and sundry to see as was the case for us Smile

IzzyIsBusy · 23/08/2016 17:38

But you have to look up their name to see them unless you are on their friend list.

If DP was looking up his ex on fb i would find that very strange. Who does that? Apart from creepy stalker exes and their new gf.

CannotEvenDeal · 23/08/2016 17:38

Yes Trifle, I sincerely hope that she is doing those things.

It wasn't the case for us but I genuinely hope that the child in question here is being better looked after than it appears.

Oswin · 23/08/2016 17:38

What's wrong with lying in bed till they are home. Once she was home around six we went out for dinner and a walk.

There is nothing here to suggest that only the child's basic needs are being met.

Me and dd have an annual pass to a zoo.
We go twice a month at least yet I still go out for a drink when she's at her dad's.
We go soft play.
We go to the cinema.
We go to the theatre.

I am not only meeting her basic needs because I go out when she's not here.

I don't even know how posters have decided she's only meeting basic needs from this.
Its fucking ridiculous.

CannotEvenDeal · 23/08/2016 17:40

It's hardly creepy when there's a welfare concern Izzy.

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 17:40

Good point, Oswin. There isn't even evidence to suggest that - again, just assumption.

MeMySonandl · 23/08/2016 17:41

I don't know. Everytime I get a LinkedIn notification saying that my exH's ex has been checking my profile, I feel a bit stalked (I don't know her, and I have not seen my ex for almost a decade, why does she needs to check me regularly? Public or not, it looks a bit stalkerish...)

Oswin · 23/08/2016 17:41

Cannot deal. How does it appear otherwise to you?
The op has said nothing to indicate that the mother is only meeting basic needs

Seems everyone hears single mom drinking and get het up.

We have even had a poster say she's leaving the kid alone.
Wtf is that about!?

IzzyIsBusy · 23/08/2016 17:41

Now Oswin stop it. You know he has genuine concerns about his daughter being left in the care of a violent unstable women.......Oops no wait sorry he has concerns because she goes out, has a lie in and dates. My mistake he was actually happy to leave her in the care of his violent unstable ex. Confused

MeMySonandl · 23/08/2016 17:43

Sorry, it is my exh's partner who checks my profile, not his ex (the ex is in my Facebook after we accidentally became friends in real life Grin)

WellErrr · 23/08/2016 17:44

It's not the going out that's the issue, more the getting pissed every weekend because she's unhappy

Ah well, take her kid off her then, that should cheer her up no end Hmm

cannotlogin · 23/08/2016 17:45

My ex has had a good number of long term partners, all introduced to our children within weeks of meeting. The latest had moved in with him before she had even met our children. If I were to moan about this I would be told he was:
a) allowed to do whatever he wanted with the children on his time
b) allowed to start a new relationship and be happy
c) allowed to go out and have fun because he works so hard and I have an expedition that he pays maintenance.

If I were to introduce our children to multiple men, according to this thread I would be a piss-poor parent. Given that I too work full time and have the added fun of bringing up 3 children alone during the week, I can expect to be called a slag, have my social media poured over by the ex and his girlfriend, be threatened with losing my children, rather than a need to get out, meet people and let my hair down and maybe start a new relationship and be happy. Because that would make me a bad mother.

Oh, and do we're clear, I pay for our children, the ex pays nothing at all, such is the advantage of self employment. Confused

MeMySonandl · 23/08/2016 17:46

Oh, so she is violent and unstable as well?

Tomorrow she will be dating paedophiles given the assumptions in this thread...Hmm

Do all those people who complain an ex is depressive realise that they may have experienced depression during the marriage because they were so unhappy in their relationship?

CannotEvenDeal · 23/08/2016 17:48

Well I think LinkedIn is a slightly different example and I agree that that would be strange.

cannotlogin · 23/08/2016 17:53

LinkedIn is just professional social media. Facebook for professionals. It's exactly the same thing. Looking up the ex on a regular basis on social media goes beyond the boundary of 'natural curiosity'. It is stalkerish.

This is why my ex and anyone I know to be a friend or family is blocked. It's the only way. And I have plenty to hide Wink

PinkyOfPie · 23/08/2016 17:56

Who are all these selfish mothers having lie ins when their children aren't there?! You should be baking Frangipani in preparation for their return and creating home-made word games. Selfish cahs!!

Wink
PinkyOfPie · 23/08/2016 17:57

I don't think people always know when you Linkedin stalk someone they get a notification Confused

CannotEvenDeal · 23/08/2016 18:00

Again, if there's a welfare concern I don't think it's stalker behaviour.

Even if it is, at least we secured the best outcome for my dss. That's all we cared about.

Choceeclair123 · 23/08/2016 18:09

He wants to change arrangements so she has no time to socialise at the weekend and meet a new partner?! You sure he isn't jealous?

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 18:12

Exactly. If this was a genuine attempt to help, the suggestion would be EOW. Instead, they seem to want the mum to be stuck at home all weekend.

IzzyIsBusy · 23/08/2016 18:16

Well obviously then he would know where she was every weekend and not going out dating men or having fun. Tut. Thats is his point isnt it? Not the welfare of his child.

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