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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have no idea how long I can put off having a child for

175 replies

AliceScarlett · 21/06/2016 15:59

I'm 31, I want 1 child. Been ttc for 6 months no success.

For various reasons my work situation has gone down the pan and I think the best thing for me to do is to retrain. This will take 5 years.

If I wait until I'm 36 am I taking a massive risk? Or is having kids now and just scraping by and being in a job I hate worth it to have a higher chance of having a child?

Or I could sit in my high stress, low paid job for the next 2 years while we figure out that I'm infertile

I want it all... I want the different job that allows me to retrain but I also want the family...Classic dilemma.

Help MN. Does fertility really fall off the cliff at 35 or is that a lie?

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 21/06/2016 16:03

Most women will be able to conceive naturally and give birth to a healthy baby if they get pregnant at 35 years old. After 35 years, the proportion of women who experience infertility, miscarriage or a problem with their baby increases. By the age of 40 only two in five of those who wish to have a baby will be able to do so

From Baby centre.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 21/06/2016 16:05

Try and think about how things will be in ten year time, does it matter if you have kids or not that important really? If it's important I wouldn't put it off.

Vagabond · 21/06/2016 16:08

Do you know why you can't conceive?
Why can't you re-train while you have a child? Open University? Lot's of options you can explore.
But if you can't conceive after 6 months, I'd try to find out why. Most doctors will ask you to try X or Y for 6 months when you first see them and you might find you don't have that luxury of time in 5 years.

IggyPopsicle · 21/06/2016 16:10

What are you hoping to retrain as? Is there an opportunity for part time training whilst you TTC?

Tallulahoola · 21/06/2016 16:13

Sorry if I'm stating the obvious but are you using ovulation sticks? The pricey ones that tell you your ovulation window?

FWIW almost everyone I know has had a child at 35 or older. I think the problem though is if you leave it until then and discover you have fertility problems, you only have a finite amount of time to try and resolve that. So it would be best to find out now if there IS a fertility problem, and make any decisions after that. But six months doesn't sound so long to me, I wouldn't panic.

Original poster

AliceScarlett · 21/06/2016 16:40

I'd be training on a Saturday while working full time in the week to live and to fund it, wont be able to do that with maternity leave and childcare costs.

I do chart my fertility and DTD in the fertile period.

OP posts:

AdjustableWench · 21/06/2016 16:42

I suppose if it were me I'd keep ttc for now because retraining can be done later and fertility generally decreases with age.

I got pregnant within 3 months at age 29 and had DD1. It took me 6 months of ttc at age 33 before I was pregnant with DD2, and my family was complete, except that DS appeared out of nowhere when I was 35 (condoms are not 100% effective!). Then I wanted a fourth, but haven't been able to get pregnant again.

One of my closest friends started trying at 38 and is now 48; sadly, it looks like she will be unable to have a baby.

Lots of people can tell you their stories, as I just did. Lots of people get pregnant in their late 30s and early 40s. Some people manage it at 47 or 48. But, as you know, there are no guarantees.

So yeah, you might be able to put it off for a year or two. But if you really really want a baby one day your best bet is to keep ttc now and see your GP if you're still not pregnant by the end of the year.

Teddy1970 · 21/06/2016 16:47

A fertility expert told me to find out when your Mother and Grandmother went through menopause, that should give you a rough Idea, also he said to minus 10 years from your Mothers age at her menopause and that's when your fertility starts to decline rapidly.

BoodlesMcToodles · 21/06/2016 16:49

I had DD1 at 29 and DD2 at 37 - gap due to cancer treatment. Planning to try for another at 40.
As a rough guide, I believe you can take your mum's menopause age and deduct 10 years for the fertility cliff for you. But it's a massive approximation. See your GP for real advice.

BoodlesMcToodles · 21/06/2016 16:49

Cross post with Teddy

waterrat · 21/06/2016 16:50

Honestly - the responsible answer to your question would be no you should not put trying to concieve off for five years if having a baby is important to you.

I have so many friends who are struggling with IVF in their late 30s. If you do have fertility issues -(and six months is not very long - but at 31 you should check it out asap) you are going to have a much higher success rate with IVF etc at 33 than at 37.
Crack on - you need to know now if you have fertility problems not in five years.

tittysprinkles · 21/06/2016 16:50

Just get on and have a baby if you want one now. Parenting seems to get a lot harder and more knackering the older you get. Most couples will conceive within 12 months of trying. At 36 your fertility could be much reduced.

Teddy1970 · 21/06/2016 16:51

Another thing he told me is that fertility is very individual, you can have a 29 year old struggling to conceive, or a 41 year old who gets pregnant easily. Don't assume because you know a few women having babies later in life that your fertility will take the same pattern. Good luck!

BikeRunSki · 21/06/2016 16:51

Does the retraining all have to be done in one go? Ie, could you do a year or 2 now while you TTC. Have a year or 2 off if you do have a baby. Do more years. Took DM 7 years to do a three year course this way, whilst having/raising 4 DC.

2nds · 21/06/2016 16:51

I'd keep trying. Right now you say you only want one child but after I. Had my first one I got super broody and had no 2 within 15 months. So even though you are saying that now you might actually want more kids so for that reason I'd keep trying now.

Original poster

AliceScarlett · 21/06/2016 16:52

I just don't know whether to risk it. Could have a baby at 36, be much more financially secure, enjoy a longer maternity leave, not be stressed out about money all the time, be happy with my new career.... Or I could be childless and unhappy and regretful. Or I could conceive next month and regret not retraining and being fulfilled. Or I could stay in my horrible job and still be infertile. There is no right answer

OP posts:

Teddy1970 · 21/06/2016 16:52

How spooky Boodles!

leopardspice · 21/06/2016 16:53

Everyone is so different op. It took me 2 years to conceive and I was very early 20's at the time. But then I told my friend this who was 30...she panicked and was pregnant the next month... While I was ttc I did put my life on hold on a month by month basis eg can't book for that concert can't go for that new job...and by the time these things came around I still wasn't pregnant anyway so I started to do what I wanted anyway.

Could you start the retraining on the Saturday and then if you do get pregnant defer your place for a year or two?

cestlavielife · 21/06/2016 16:53

take the job start the retraining... get some basic testing done to check ovulation etc in case there is an issue.

if there is may take a while anyway to get pregnant. in meantime you could have notched up half the training... at 32 my first i got pregnant within one month...

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 21/06/2016 16:54

Thanks for posting this :) I'm in a spookily similar situation - really want a child but also need to restart my career somehow and need to retrain

MrsChrisPratt · 21/06/2016 16:54

Decide what is important and if it's both, do both. You will have to make it work. I put of changing my job til I was made redundant and had no choice. I will make it work.

Coming from someone who is 29, been TTC 3 years and 3 rounds of failed IVF, you would mad not to. The problem we have is not age related, in fact it's not even me. But ivf is not the magical fix all people believe to be. Success rates are low and get lower with maternal age, regardless of what the initial issue is. Waiting lists, time between treatments etc add up to significant time which is very frustrating when you know the clock is ticking. If you really want a family you don't have the luxury of time. People believe fertility issues are rare but they are really not, I have been very open about our journey and subsequently have realised the scale of this issue which often goes untalked about.

You may be fine, but do you really want to gamble away 5 years of fertile time?

Hastalapasta · 21/06/2016 16:58

Not helpful I know, but stress is the enemy of conception..... Good luck.

Lymmmummy · 21/06/2016 17:01

To be honest there is no "general" answer to this

I have had family members get pregnant accidentally at 45 and have lots of older mums in my family past and present equally know of other women who went through menopause at 28 - yes honestly friend at work's mum had got pregnant at 25 shortly after marriage and was actually a bit miffed off as thought she was too young - missed her period again at 28' fully expecting as a 28 year old would that this meant she was pregnant again only to be told sorry but you have had an early menopause. Are extremes at either end but if it's possible 25-35 is the best time I would think for many. Though personally have seen great younger/older mums too so am not biased in that respect

A good marker is last age your mother or grandmother had her last child if this is 40 plus you have probably inherited a longer fertility span

Original poster

AliceScarlett · 21/06/2016 17:02

Oh god I don't know what to do
How can I have a child, work full-time and train on a Saturday?
How can I stay in my horrible job for what could be years if I do need fertility treatment?

DH earns 16k a year... I don't know.

I could train and work two jobs, one of them a nanny so I'd get two lots of maternity pay and take the child to work with me. Maybe that's an option if we do conceive.

OP posts:

Original poster

AliceScarlett · 21/06/2016 17:04

Mum tried for 17 years to have me, she had annovulatory? Cycles and I came along at 41.

OP posts:

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