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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have no idea how long I can put off having a child for

175 replies

AliceScarlett · 21/06/2016 15:59

I'm 31, I want 1 child. Been ttc for 6 months no success.

For various reasons my work situation has gone down the pan and I think the best thing for me to do is to retrain. This will take 5 years.

If I wait until I'm 36 am I taking a massive risk? Or is having kids now and just scraping by and being in a job I hate worth it to have a higher chance of having a child?

Or I could sit in my high stress, low paid job for the next 2 years while we figure out that I'm infertile Hmm

I want it all... I want the different job that allows me to retrain but I also want the family...Classic dilemma.

Help MN. Does fertility really fall off the cliff at 35 or is that a lie?

OP posts:
Isetan · 22/06/2016 04:47

How would your H cope with the responsibility of having a child? If you hadn't of mentioned your DH, I would have assumed you were single because he isn't mentioned in your plans at all. Babies change relationships and your focus inevitably shifts, your partner won't be the centre of your attention and even the most independently minded of us need support. Understanding and sympathy are in short supply when your the only one making sacrifices and sleep deprivation has brought you to your knees. Isn't your H managing the uncertainty of trying to get a better paid job, good training for the uncertainty of fatherhood?

No one on MN can assess you or your H's fertility but if you really want children then there are far to many unknowns to risk putting it off.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 22/06/2016 06:39

MN answered my question about the 35/cliff, much cheaper than paying a random fertility specialist.

Seriously, OP, seeing a fertility specialist isn't a bad idea at all if you're considering putting off ttc. On MN, we can all tell you anecdotes about our own fertility and friends who got pregnant easily at 40 or who struggled getting pregnant at 25 - but no one here can tell you anything for certain about your fertility or that of your partner.

A fertility specialist would be much better placed to give you information that specifically relates to you and your fertility than anyone here.

Dontanalyseit · 22/06/2016 06:48

I also think you should carry on ttc now and find out what's going on with your fertility.

I was one of those who had left it too late by 37 even though everyone around me was having babies at that age including my own gp.

I had two failed cycles of iui and ivf, no reasons why, tests and hormone levels normal, still no answers today (50 now.)

You can't put your life on hold forever but you have enough time on your hands to be able to investigate your fertility if you need to and still pick up your career in a couple of years.

blueturtle6 · 22/06/2016 06:50

I think its will be difficult to forge a new career after baby, in my case I loved my job and went to extra mile, always working late, to get to a good solid position before having a child.I don't care one bit for my career now. Motherhood can really change some people. My advice is don't give up chance of children for a new career. Change you existing one is possible. I am lucky I had dd in late 30s but many more of my friends are currently ttc and having big problems than are successfully getting pregnant.

CodewordRochambeau · 22/06/2016 07:08

If you hadn't of mentioned your DH, I would have assumed you were single because he isn't mentioned in your plans at all

I thought this too. Does your DH want a child?

BlackeyedSusan · 22/06/2016 07:46

look at what in your life is important. financially and bay wise. is there anything hthat is not necessary or that can be done to make it more financially viable to have a baby now. the longer you wait the harder it can be, and the more likely the baby could have illhealth/disabilities. are having (eg) a nice car, or sky package, or holidays, or shopping at waitrose... worth potentially not having a baby? (insert your own examples)

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 22/06/2016 12:52

Good point. I'm seeing gp soon, if they won't test I'll pay to get that done. Good shout.

CAB said you can claim two lots of SMP, yay.

DH will be fine.

OP posts:
CodewordRochambeau · 22/06/2016 13:37

GP will test once you have been trying unsuccessfully for a year.

In the meantime, you will give yourself the best odds if you have sex every three days throughout the month, and not just in your fertile period.

scarednoob · 22/06/2016 14:27

I got pregnant first shot at 37, despite being unfit and fat (in my defence, I thought it would take longer and I would have time to get fit!). my friend also got pregnant at 37 after 10 years of miscarriages and failed ivf, despite being slim and fit and healthy. everyone is different, and you can't know until you try.

if I were in your shoes, I would do it now, in case you do need intervention. hopefully all will be well, but better to try whilst time is still on your side. good luck!

scarednoob · 22/06/2016 14:28

also, not meaning to be rude, but I don't think you can know for sure that you only want 1 child until you have one. you might think brilliant, this is it - or you might realise you really want another. so again, better to have more time in case you change your mind on that.

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 22/06/2016 14:45

That's true, I'd like to think about more, but can barely afford one let alone two!

I'm actually really pleased a lot people are saying ttc now, you're right I have 35 more years working life and not that long to have a child. I was eering on the side of putting it off and I'm glad I'm not.

Sending my CVs off atm. Think I'll be doing option 1.

OP posts:
scarednoob · 22/06/2016 14:56

Grin lots of luck with both the job and the baby OP

NameChange30 · 22/06/2016 14:59

I'm curious to know what you'd like to retrain as! Seems unusual that it's just one day a week on Saturdays and will take 5 years.

honeyharris · 22/06/2016 17:54

Could you do option 2, then if you do have a child put in a flexible working request and reduce your hours to part-time? Am also curious to know what you are retraining as.

Lovebeckha · 22/06/2016 18:00

Have your AMH tested. It's about £95 privately. It'll give an indicator of your egg reserve. Then make the decision.

greeningthedesert · 22/06/2016 18:05

There are tests they can do to see how close you are to the end of your fertility. We tried, but not seriously, when I was in my mid 30s for about a year or so. Then very seriously for six months. At 36 I had an IUI and we conceived twins immediately. Fast forward to when I was 41, we were not trying to have more kids, not having very frequent sex and, as far as I thought, not mid cycle. And I got pregnant. My sister's surprise child was when she was 46 years old (her menopause was at 50). Our mothers's menopause was at 34 years old. I guess what I'm saying is that there are no solid rules. If having a child is very important to you then get your fertility checked out properly, not just MN opinions. If DH is willing to look after the baby every Saturday, maybe you could retrain with a baby - take a different day off work or an extended maternity leave.

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 22/06/2016 18:07

Option two part time won't fund the course and childcare and living expenses. Alas.

I'll be retraining as a psychotherapist, so need to be in therapy twice a week as well, very time and money heavy!

Does AMH really give you an idea of egg reserve?

I know you can have a fertility MOT, that's an option.
I bled between periods last cycle so GP is currently testing that out... Those tests kind of overlap.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceScarlett · 22/06/2016 18:09

I think I was looking for more hard and fast rules (to cope with the uncertainty) but as people have said, you can't make conclusions across the board,some 20 year olds will struggle, other 40 year olds won't.

OP posts:
septembersunshine · 22/06/2016 18:25

But if you don't keep trying won't it always be this thing in that back of your head? This constant hum of 'I want to get pregnant but I'm waiting but I know it didn't happen when I was younger and tried for 6 months'. You will spend those years worrying about if/when you will be able to get pregnant. Once you are pregnant that is just the beginning of the story, sometimes they don't stay (most of the time they do but sometimes it's not just getting pregnant it's staying pregnant). What you are wanting is a successful pregnancy and that could take a while or it could be next month - how will you know? I would keep trying and make everything else fit around it. Otherwise you are putting this dream on hold and it may then become almost unattainable.

CodewordRochambeau · 22/06/2016 18:28

I think I was looking for more hard and fast rules (to cope with the uncertainty)

I'm afraid that fertility and conception is only the first of many matters in parenthood where you will have to give up a sense of control!

Good luck, OP.

Enidblyton1 · 22/06/2016 18:29

Looks like you've had some great advice and support already on here. Balancing children and work is never easy! Fertility can be unpredictable and 6 months ttc is not something to get unduly worried about. (It took a year to conceive my first, then second happened after 1 month :-) But definitely worth getting checked out to put your mind at rest.
Although 40 probably seems ancient right now (!) I know many people who have retrained in their 40s once children are a bit older and in school. So I wouldn't worry if you have to put your training on hold for a few years. You will still have many years of working life left!
Good luck with everything

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 22/06/2016 18:45

Thanks everyone. I love MN at times like this.

OP posts:
Jedimum1 · 22/06/2016 18:51

Is the retraining going to guarantee you a permanent job? Are you 100% sure that you'll like it? Will you have to work extra to prove your worth, since you will be new to the job and the career? Will your prospective employers be ok with going on maternity as soon as you start? Or will you leave a gap between training and work experience? How will that work for you?

I had my DD (3.5yo) at 34 and my DS (14 months old) at 37. I started a PhD whilst 6 months pregnant. It's challenging but I'm glad I'm going it that way. By the time I finish, my DD will be in school and my DS will have free hours at nursery. That means I'll be able to find a job without the guilt and also without the constant worry of having to take days off because babies get colds/fever/virus quite often.

That said, up to the day after the birth, I was 100% sure I wanted a high sky career, I would work any extra hours required, I'd do training to improve and get promotions... now my needs and desires have changed. I wish I had my kids earlier, to enjoy them for longer (we don't live forever). I want to succeed professionally, but I definitely don't mind that much anymore if I don't make it to the top (and I was VERY career driven). If I could write children's books or gave an online business, earn enough money and work from home, I'd do that instead, to be honest. Children change your needs and desires. You cannot fully understand it until you have your own, in my opinion. And I used to think I knew!

Jedimum1 · 22/06/2016 18:56

Also, and agreeing with what has been said, my first took a year, my second a month. My ovulation was different than the 14 days after first day of period. It took me a while to find out I was ovulating at day 17-18, so for higher probability I needed to TTC between days 15 and days 20, instead of between days 12 and 17. I wasn't giving myself more than one day chance before!!

I wouldn't delay having children, once they are here, you just reorganise yourself to do what it's needed. They are incredibly rewarding too.

sleeponeday · 22/06/2016 19:09

When you're fifty, which will upset you most:

  1. being further back in your career, having spent several years more (potentially) in a job you hate, OR having to study on very little money with a baby

  2. being childless

I'd try to establish which of the possibilities above is your worst case scenario, when you're at that life stage. That may give you a hint as to what is most important to you.