To have no idea how long I can put off having a child for

[AliceScarlett]

I'm 31, I want 1 child. Been ttc for 6 months no success.

For various reasons my work situation has gone down the pan and I think the best thing for me to do is to retrain. This will take 5 years.

If I wait until I'm 36 am I taking a massive risk? Or is having kids now and just scraping by and being in a job I hate worth it to have a higher chance of having a child?

Or I could sit in my high stress, low paid job for the next 2 years while we figure out that I'm infertile

I want it all... I want the different job that allows me to retrain but I also want the family...Classic dilemma.

Help MN. Does fertility really fall off the cliff at 35 or is that a lie?

Take the job, start retraining and try to conceive. Trying for a baby doesn't have to be a decision. It might happen or it might not. Once you are pregnant then make decisions on your career etc. I was in avert stressful job - but as soon as I got offered a less stressful job outside of London I fell pregnant in the notice period! I really believe that stress/lifestyle was stopping me getting pregnant. My new employees still took me on and 13 years later I'm still there having had 2 children. Life is a gamble and you can't always plan it.

dont stay in a horrible job it will just cause more stress - unless of course it's paying you 100 k and you can save loads of money...

Alice Scarlett could the prospect of having a baby not make your husband want to progress at work? Couldn't he potentially earn more?

When I was having our first my fella was spurred on to do better at work and over time he went into management. I know it's not for everyone but it's just a thought and it's possible that he could do a training course that would benefit him.

I would not put it off. As others have said as you get older , parenting gets more exhausting. I had my last child at 38 and now at almost 50 I am knackered !! I have family members who have put off having a baby for their careers and are now struggling to conceive in their late 30's and early 40's. It is heartbreaking for them.

You unfortunately can't plan kids in the same way as you can plan jobs or training courses. It is one of the hardest things about having kids imo. Not just the conception but also looking after them and work/ life balance as they grow up. At the moment nothing is certain and it must all feel unsettling. But you won't really know what the new job is like or what having a kid is like or how your husband's job/ earning potential will pan out until you try. So I say, try. Maybe you will get pregnant and be out of work and have to do something you haven't thought of yet. Maybe your husband will get a better paid job. Maybe you will be able to retrain while on maternity leave. Maybe you won't get pregnant but will end up having a much better job. Maybe you will retrain when the kid is older.

You can sometimes get more financial help once you have a child, this is why slot if mummies can afford to be students.

I tried at 36, took a year, have 1 x DC, then we started trying for second and so far its over 2 years and still not pregnant. If you are happily married I would keep TTC,

I think in your position I would keep TTC now.

I would consider that if you were to need fertility treatment and would need to use the NHS it can be a long process. A friend took around 3 years from starting to TTC to getting pregnant and she conceived on the first round of IVF (after trying other treatments first). Different areas may have a different upper age limit for access to IVF. It might be worth looking into local rules (although this is subject to change).

Lots of couples take longer than 6 months though. Have you been using a fertility app or ovulation sticks? I was very fortunate to get pregnant first month of trying at 36 but had tracked my cycles for a couple of months with Ovia first.

I don't think anyone can tell you the right answer but if you know you definitely want to have a baby 5 years is a long time to wait.

My advice, from someone who started trying in their 20s and finally got pg age 37 is keep TTC now. It takes, on average, 6 months to fall pg anyway - so of course that "average" must be made up of lots of women who've taken much longer than 6 months.

You can't plan for everything, and whilst I truly sympathise with your career decisions, I would suggest continuing with the TTC and, if possible, just adapting your life. Really good luck, I hope that everything works out for you.

Oh this is so stressful.

I'm writing out huge pros and cons lists of all my options. Too overwhelming.

The consensus appears to be to keep ttc. Fair enough.

Earning the money to fund your maternity leave isn't just your responsibility. Your DH might need to step up.

The reality is fertility at any age is partly luck. I started trying at 30 and it took me four years to have a baby. Then I got pregnant first try at 39. But statistically, your chances of conceiving at 36 are lower. You may have great fertility at 36 and turn out to have male factor issues which mean you can't conceive without help at any age.

Personally, I think if you are certain you want a child you would be making a mistake to wait until you're 36.

I agree with continuing TTC but also think you should pursue new job and retraining at the same time.

You have no idea how you will feel about any of the possibilities until they actually happen.

Teddy perhaps we saw the same specialist or just very woo

I'm 30 and have been TTC for 14 months. I fell PG at 19 by accident, ironically. So I think it's fair to say that fertility declines.

My DM had my DB when she was 36.

I would honestly urge you to keep TTC. GPs won't do any fertility tests until you've been trying for a year if you're under 35, so you can buy yourself some time.

With waiting lists and 6 months TTC then you'd be 37 before you found out about any fertility issues and the success rate of IVF will also have declined by then if God forbid you did have a problem.

I agree with continuing TTC but also think you should pursue new job and retraining at the same time.

But how could I afford to lose NHS maternity pay, live on SMP and pay to train, then pay for childcare? I can't.

Thanks btw everyone, really appreciate your opinions and help.

Look to see what benefits you could get if you have a child.

I think the choice is simple. Whatever you do about the work, you must continue to TTC if you really do want children. I had IVF at 33 (due last week - still waiting!), which we didn't anticipate we would need at all. I had very regular cycles and was ovulating etc. DP's SA was ok.

It comes down to biology. Work can wait. Your fertility will not.

The fact of the matter is you simply don't know. conceiving is something a lot of people take for granted and you actually just cannot tell when/if it can happen and it isn't something you have sufficient continue over to plan.

6 months is nothing btw.

I had my baby at 44 after three miscarriages (I believe low level blood clottingissues were at play).

Is there a third or fourth option as far as work and money go? Could you switch to something without retraining? What are your transferable skills? And agree that your DH also needs to look at earning more.

Meanwhile, yup, I would keep ttc.

Given you've already been ttc for 6 months with no success, I'd personally be wary of putting ttc on hold for 5 years, if having children is important to you.

Some women do conceive easily in their late 30's. But if there's a problem, discovering that at 36+ doesn't give you much time to find a solution.

So I think I'd keep ttc and look into ways to make the retraining work alongside that.

If there is any way you could survive financially, I would carry on TTC.

A few of my friends have taken a while to conceive- one took 10 months, one 14 months (both conceived naturally in the end). One couple went through 5 years of fertility treatment and now finally have their son. All of these couples were in their mid to late 20s when they started trying. I don't want to scare you, but I'd be lying if I said I was sure you'd be fine. I do feel your pain- it's not easy to balance a career and pregnancy/ parenthood. Could your partner take most of the parental leave to enable you to get back to work faster?

I just don't know whether to risk it

Then don't. You can retrain anytime. Once your fertility is gone, it's too late. Thing is nobody knows even that'll be. My DM and DGM had their menopause at 38 and 32. DM harrangued mevinyo having DC, which I did at 37 and 40; both conceived quickly and naturally. I'm nearly 46 and still having periods.... 14 years longer than my DGM.

Your fertility has a time limit. You can retrain anytime.
The problem is that you just don't know if you're going to be one of the women who conceive no trouble at 39 or one who struggles at 29. You don't know until you start trying. And if you find that out at 31 it gives you a much longer period to try to sort it out that if you find out at 36.

I had my first at 36 last year. Very lucky to conceive within 6 months. I would like at least one more but that means I'll be trying at 38 - no guarantee it'll work.

What does your dh do? Can he get another job?

And don't just have sex when the sticks say so - they aren't 100% accurate for everyone and you can have small peaks of hormone at slightly different times. Sex at least every 48 hours over the whole cycle will give you a Much better chance.