To have no idea how long I can put off having a child for

[AliceScarlett]

I'm 31, I want 1 child. Been ttc for 6 months no success.

For various reasons my work situation has gone down the pan and I think the best thing for me to do is to retrain. This will take 5 years.

If I wait until I'm 36 am I taking a massive risk? Or is having kids now and just scraping by and being in a job I hate worth it to have a higher chance of having a child?

Or I could sit in my high stress, low paid job for the next 2 years while we figure out that I'm infertile

I want it all... I want the different job that allows me to retrain but I also want the family...Classic dilemma.

Help MN. Does fertility really fall off the cliff at 35 or is that a lie?

Keep trying. Or at least get your AMH, FSH, LH and progesterone tested, and an ultrasound scan, but ideally a tubal patency test done, and your husbands sperm count if you're thinking about delaying. You're probably looking at £1000+ for all that, but blood tests ultrasound and sperm count would be £500+.

I speak as someone who started ttc at 32, I'm now 37 and have done 3 months of clomid (waste of time but NHS insisted) 2 fresh ivf cycles and 3 frozen embryo transfer cycles. I've miscarried twice, and am now pregnant for the third time. If I ever become a parent I'll be amazed. I appreciate mine is very much a doom and gloom story, but anyone posting here can only post from a personal perspective. Also bear in mind that fertility treatment on the NHS takes an awful long time, some areas have 2 year waiting lists for IVF, and that's after you've spent months/years going through all the tests.

I think the only way to answer this for yourself is to decide which negative scenario you could live with. What I mean by that is in five years from now which scenario could you live with/ which scenario makes you less miserable:

1. You have a good job, financially secure, have freedom to buy what you want, go on holiday, visit friends and enjoy your job. But you do not (and will not) have a child.

Or

1. You are scraping by month to month but just about managing to pay bills etc. You are in a job you don't like (probably part time) and is not necessarily fulfilling. But when you come home and on your days off you have your wonderful little bundle of joy to make you smile.

I had to make a similar decision. No one else can tell you what will make you less unhappy. Fwiw I chose option 2. Kids worth more than money and career for me. But yes sometimes I do think 'what if I'd waited' especially when I see friends more financially secure. But I definitely wouldn't change it. There is no job that could give me the satisfaction and love and hope that my DD gives me.

Good luck. I hope it all works for you.

It took me a year to conceive in my early 30s and then over 6 frustrating, heart-aching years of TTC before I got pregnant the second time. Don't put it off because, if you do, it might never happen. For me, no job could have filled the void left by not having children (or, latterly, more than one child).

I haven't read the whole thread but I'd say ttc because don't forget it's not just getting pregnant that gets harder as you age - miscarriage risk and risk of abnormalities also increases. It might be a coincidence but I had a much harder time with conceiving and pregnancy with my dd I had at 36 than the one i had at 29

Who knows? I could tell you plenty of stories of over 40 mums. I myself was 38 when I had DS. It took 6 mths to conceive him compared to 4 to conceive DD, whom I had at 33. But you probably need to find out of anything is 'wrong.'

I DH only earns £16K, then could he be a SAHD. That way, you are not bound by having a job that works around childcare. It doesn't have to the be the mum who takes responsibility for the child.

the truth is sad, I was 34 working as hell, happy about my job, love it, married and living on a hot island...and the last thing i was wishing was a child...my husband just decide that was time for him to be father. so we agreed and we started...it took us 3 "try" and i was pregnant. I hate every single moment of my pregnancy and I had to step back also from my role a work, as I had a really difficult pregnancy... I had a beautiful girl, she is the best thing that I made in my life...and the last...I discovered after that I got POF, early menopause, I don't have eggs, simple and clear. and no one notice before. in my family all the woman went really late in menopause and I am the 2nd of 4th and my mum is the 4th of 4th...and the doctor was so sad for me, until I told him that I had already a daughter...and he asked if I had help? I didn't understood is question and he explained that I had only the 3% of possibility to become pregnant...We were lucky, my husband was driving me on the right direction. today I don't fly high at work, I work part time and I spend a little more time with her.

I would say that if having a baby is important to you then that should take priority. There is never going to be a good time, and if retraining hits a bump in the road and takes longer than expected then what will you do? There is always time to retrain, but there might not always be time to have a baby.
I wasn't particularly enthusiastic about my job, I fell in to it and it's worlds apart from what I wanted to do. Now I've had my son, maternity leave has helped me see what is important, and I couldn't face putting my son in childcare to facilitate me going to work in a job I don't like and to come out with around £6 a week for it. So, instead of retraining I'm going to start a business, in the hopes that if/when I'm ready to get in to project management (my dream job) I'm more credible as a candidate for having run my own business - or maybe I'll love running my business and just do that, I'm not sure yet but at least I get to see my son grow up in the mean time, and I wouldn't trade him for having the chance to retrain to do a job.

Really if it's important to you, you should do it. It took me 5 years and IVF. Luckily I started at 31 which greatly increased my chances rather than starting at 36. Retraining can be done later.

Personally, I would TTC. When you are looking back on your life, I think you would regret not having children more than not having a fab career.
This is coming from someone who was never planning to have children and had one accident, followed by another planned baby because I loved being a mum so much! I don't like children either but I'm so glad it happened now, even though me and my partner are in the process of separating and life is going to be v hard. I'll never regret my kids and what I've sacrificed before and go without now.
On the fertility bit, I have only had unprotected sex twice at a time when I could have got pregnant and had two babies at 28 and 30. My mum had me and my sister at 31 and 33.

It's a cliche but work can/will wait. Kids may not. You can fit work and retraining around kids. Work is unpredictible too - I was made redundant when mine were small and now have a new job I'm happier in.

Another vote for TTC here.

Other options to consider:

Different job altogether, that doesn't require retraining but will see you happier and less stressed. Save like crazy for the maternity leave.

Similar role, for a different place - private healthcare perhaps?

DH be the SAHP. Eliminates childcare issue.

Mine will be SAHP (if this little one ever decides to make her entrance). He had a high flying job before. Way too high stress, led to breakdown and anxiety. So work stuff stresses him out very easily now, but he's a complete natural around kids and babies and doesn't get stressed out easily by them. For others who have asked, anxiety can have triggers. A CV might be a trigger for her DH, and children not be. I'm sure the OP knows what he can and can't cope with better than any of us.

Fertility is such an individual thing. We conceived first try (I'm 33 now and DH is 36), but it took my sister over a year with both her girls and she started trying for her first at 32, same as I did. So there can be differences within close family also.

I, personally, wouldn't be happy if we'd put it off and then couldn't conceive. As it is, we've been very lucky and I have a job that supports training and education, so I'm working towards my diploma :) Still, I only get SMP at this job so we've had to save hard to cover my maternity leave. You can't have everything though, and I'd rather have a job I'm happy in, with people I like, than have great maternity pay and be miserable. That's the trade I was willing to make.

Good luck OP! :)

Thanks everyone.

I'm freaking out now.

Option 2 (high earning but long hours job with a 6 month probation period) just made me an offer. 33k OTE. I could put off ttc for a year? Save money for maternity.

Or I could do my two part time jobs, take my kid to my nanny job and not have to commute for 2 hours a day, but be poorer.

I don't know what to do. Argh.

Best advice is to stop trying, you are more likely to get pregnant that way. Re your career options, you just have to decide what's more important, job or kids. If you wait 5 years your chances of kids will be a lot slimmer but not impossible. If you have been trying for a while your GP can probably refer you to a fertility clinic and they can check all your bits :)

Ok, I've calmed down a bit. I don't think I want to work in a corporate environment and I don't trust this ote thing, no one can promise commission, right?

I would never take a job that's ote... But that's just me. You need to know if you can live on the basic and everything else is over and above

What is the basic and can you live on it? What is the maternity package?

And how long do you need to work there before being entitled to the maternity package

Just an extra, so long as the nanny job is as an employee you'd get two sets of maternity, but if its self employed you can't get maternity allowance and SMP like you can get smp x2.

A midwife once told me no one regrets the children they have, only those they didn't.

I am someone who has had babies in her late 30's/40's... I put them off for my career to some degree... and in retrospect I think I have been very lucky indeed to have them at all and wouldn't recommend taking that risk.

My instinct would be that you should just get on with the training and the TTC. You may find that it takes you 5 years to have your baby... in which case you have done the training. You might find you have fertility problems which could take some time to sort out (and you would want time on your side to sort them out). You might find that you sail through pregnancy and can cope with the work and the training.

We don't always have as much choice as we think we do!

If you want kids, have em. They are a joy. Enjoy them while you're young enough.
If you want to retrain, do that too. While you have the energy.
But really its not our decision... its yours.
Good luck whatever you decide.
Live your life now while you have options

Ok I've decided. I'm not going to take the corporate job.

A midwife once told me no one regrets the children they have, only those they didn't.

That has hit home.

Dinah, good advice about being self employed. Thanks.

Got pregnant with my first child at 33, conceived him after 6mths ttc. Am now 37 and have been ttc a second child for nearly 3 years with no success. So for me I would say yes fertility really does fall off a cliff at 35. I have 5 friends who all wanted more children than they were able to have. Good luck with whatever you decide. xxx

Think you're making the right decision. I've had children before and after 35. The ones after took 8 times as long to conceive and I had my first ever miscarriage. I don't think you need to panic after 6 mths (I know people who've conceived after 3 years with no help) but by the same token I wouldn't hang around. I also really wish I'd started my family about 5 years earlier, just from the point of view of having more energy for toddlers. Fertility isn't the only thing that gets worse as you get older!

Tough decision, no right or wrong answer pros & cons with both the options .
However Pre baby thoughts can be over thought if you know what I mean, it can feel like this huge brick wall. of course there's a big responsibility when your thinking about being a child into the world to be financially ok but sometimes you just have to go with your gut feeling.
Had my 1st DS aged 37 tbh wish I'd done it earlier not because had any problems but his just brought soo much pleasure in to my life it's been amazing.
Could you retain later on in life maybe? I had a friend who looked at having her eggs frozen because she felt she wasn't in the right place to have a baby. Good luck with your decision