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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have no idea how long I can put off having a child for

175 replies

AliceScarlett · 21/06/2016 15:59

I'm 31, I want 1 child. Been ttc for 6 months no success.

For various reasons my work situation has gone down the pan and I think the best thing for me to do is to retrain. This will take 5 years.

If I wait until I'm 36 am I taking a massive risk? Or is having kids now and just scraping by and being in a job I hate worth it to have a higher chance of having a child?

Or I could sit in my high stress, low paid job for the next 2 years while we figure out that I'm infertile Hmm

I want it all... I want the different job that allows me to retrain but I also want the family...Classic dilemma.

Help MN. Does fertility really fall off the cliff at 35 or is that a lie?

OP posts:
blue2014 · 22/06/2016 19:10

I'm going to be a right pain and say .. Have you checked online how many posts there are for psychotherapists right now? NHS services are cut to the bone and they're often the first to go. Massive drive for Cbt therapists instead right now.

cherrybath · 22/06/2016 19:14

Its tough but I think you need to decide your priorities - when you're 64 (as I am) it may well be that your family are more important to you than your job.

I'd keep trying to get pregnant and get referred for infertility treatment if necessary. I speak as one whose daughter, aged 30, has just found out that she is infertile due to various infections, and that IVF is not really an option for her. She is now is at a real crossroads in her life, with fewer options than you.

If however you feel that getting training for a better job is more important than having a family then your question is answered. It isn't always possible to do both.

Ashers40 · 22/06/2016 19:29

Had mine at 37 and 39, with no problems conceiving, but I was lucky. I know plenty of people who couldn't conceive in their late 30s. I'm possibly a better parent for being a bit older (arguably) but now I'm approaching 50 and I worry about how long I will be around for them (my mother died at 66 and my husbands mum at 55) and whether I'll see my grandchildren or be fit enough to be of any use to them. Don't wait if you can avoid it is my advice

lozzylizzy · 22/06/2016 19:31

My best friend trained to be a nurse and was pregnant and had a new baby part way through. 9 years later and another child she is doing well and has had many promotions! It can be done and if you only want the one child id go for it now and do both consecutively 😀 good luck and hope you conceive soon if that's what you want

AElizabeth · 22/06/2016 19:36

If you and your partner really want a baby, try to have one now I reckon. A baby is always going to throw a spanner in the works. No avoiding it. Those women who seem to 'have it all' career-wise often have nannies and cooks and cleaners and tutors and boarding schools to help out. Or just really patient grandparents.

Besides, you can fix a depressing job in more than one way. Can you move to a different employer - a change is as good as a rest sometimes? Or perhaps drop to part time and do a part-time entry-level job somewhere else? Maybe a job related to the retraining option? You might find a wonderful career path you'd never thought of that way. And of course, you're not in this alone - is DH limited in his earning potential? Does he have career options which would help you drop some hours, meaning you could retrain part time while you ttc?

Or if none of that works - if it's going to take 5 years to retrain, might as well make it 10-12 years and start when your DC goes to school. It probably won't be too late. Some people retrain at sixty.

But remember you don't have to have children at all. You could retrain, have a great job, achieve financial stability in 5-10 years - and then at that point maybe you'd be an amazing foster family. I've personally chosen not to have children, even though I love them, because I feel fulfilled in my relationship with my DSD and now my best friend's DD, I'm sure I'll one day have a niece or nephew to dote on/help out with - and if I ever get to the right position in life, I would like to foster or adopt.

BonerSibary · 22/06/2016 20:27

The difficulty with waiting, I think, is that you want to wait ages. If you were thinking of doing a Masters first, or your PGCE and then probationary year and trying at 33, I'd probably say get the course done first and I think we'd be a lot more split. Five years is very drastic though.

pamhill64 · 22/06/2016 20:38

2 of my friends could conceive even via ivf at under 35 unfortunately. And I went to Uni at 35 with 3 kids to qualify for my career. It can be done with help n support from your partner and family. But if you'd really regret not having a family then don't chance it! Education/retraining can wait!

lauramcdora · 22/06/2016 21:10

You've given the answer away in your question. Your very stressful job is making it difficult to conceive your child, work on reducing the stress levels in your life and you will conceive much more easily.

As for having children they are fucking knackering so the younger you have them in theory the more energy you have. Also you might find you love them so much you want more than one - maybe, maybe not - but always good to give yourself the option.

Good Luck xx

bogglespark1 · 22/06/2016 21:11

close you eyes, think about what you will be most proud of on your death bed, what will define your life the most....

I have two small kids and over the years have given up the chance of retraining and promotions. I have done this because I have two beautiful children who I would give my life for. I would not give my life for my job....

I work 31 hours a week and spend every second I can with them. I work flexi time so I can pick up and drop off three times a week. This week I am missing my sons sports day as I am in Ireland working and as much as I love my job it breaks my heart a little.

before I had my kids my career defined me, now I have my kids I don't give a shit what defines me - I am too full of love to care....

work and being a mum is hard - just take some time to think about what you want - but I would say that building your career can wait, unfortunately your ovaries can't...and once the baby is here you might not care so much about your career

go with what you heart tells you - my choice is my choice - you just need to find your own way - good luck x x

Busybee1234 · 22/06/2016 21:18

I would keep on trying. Conceived DC1 first month at 29, then DC2 at 33 in the first month but it ended in a miscarriage (never thought it would happen to me but discovered very quickly how common the are) and then it took just over 6 months to conceive DC3 at 34. I used every trick in the book and did everything to the letter and 'right' every month whilst using ovulation sticks but it still took quite a while. What I'm trying to say is that even if you conceive that's not to say it will work out and you'll certainly have a baby at the end of the 9 months (I did not factor this in so ended up having a much larger age gap than planned for). Work will always figure itself out in the end. Don't wait.

RabbitSaysWoof · 22/06/2016 21:35

Sorry in a rush haven't RTFT but just to say I got SMP x 2, I checked it twice because it didn't seem right and I was convinced someone would ask for it back at some point, but no one ever did.

stripycat · 22/06/2016 22:08

Yes fertility does drop after your mid 30s but I know people who have conceived naturally in their late 30s / early 40s some after a lot of trying, others accidentally! But at 36 having just requalified will you then think that isn't the right time either and delay another year or two so you could work in your new field? It is a gamble leaving it, agree with pp that only you'll know what means most to you.

FrizzyMcFrizzface · 22/06/2016 22:19

You should be entitled to tax credits with your DHs income at that level.

Don't wait, no one thinks they can afford it, but it just always finds a way to work out ok.

I wouldn't get hung up on the only work choices being sticking with a job you hate or retraining. Could you do something else? Even supermarket work or similar - with child benefit and tax credits you might be able to make it work financially? You never know what is round the corner. I was in a professional job I hated 5 months ago and could see no way out. I'm now running my own business - honestly never thought that would happen!

Good luck and Flowers

Notmuchtosay1 · 22/06/2016 22:24

I would definitely keep trying. But surely you could do your job and training and keep trying. It may take a few years to get pregnant. If it happens before then you can re think. Good luck.

lozster · 22/06/2016 22:42

I second the suggestion for an AMH test. It gives you an idea of ovarian reserves. However, quality as well as quantity decreases as you age. Also, you could have a good AMH score but a blocked Fallopian tube, endo or male factor issues amongst other additional factors that impede conception. And, as someone else mentioned, miscarriage can occur.

Sorry that all sounds gloomy. In real life people probably look at me and think well she conceived at 40 and gave birth at 41 to a first child so it must be ok. The reality is I tried for close to 7 years to get to that point. Recognising a fertility problem, diagnosing it and then treating it can take years.

Headofthehive55 · 22/06/2016 22:50

Conceived easily in my twenties, thirties took longer, forties, longer still.
Trouble is, lots and lots of people are having fertility problems in their thirties. I'd keep trying whilst doing the course. You could be trying for five years easily.

Headofthehive55 · 22/06/2016 22:53

Trying for a long time is horrid. Let's not book that holiday,etc etc.

Best to conceive when you are most likely to have a short period conceiving.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 22/06/2016 22:59

I wouldn't put off getting pregnant for 5 years. A couple maybe. And couldn't you just go ahead and retrain and then if you do get pregnant, reschedule?

One of the big things I didn't realise about myself, before I got pregnant, was how many kids I would like, and having two or three children means you have to get started early thirties realistically.

NameChange30 · 22/06/2016 23:17

YY about psychotherapy jobs being difficult to get.

Jedimum1 · 23/06/2016 00:26

If your concern is about finances, you can get a general idea of what you might be entitled to by putting details onto entitledto.co.uk You can put general names like "husband", "me", etc. It's just for your information, it doesn't go anywhere else. See how much you could get if you had a baby tomorrow, for example, or with different incomes.

That said, babies are expensive when one can afford it. Otherwise, they are a cost that can be balance. For example, I did not get a nursery. I got a cot in the sales adding as many discounts I could get, then got old furniture around (wardrobe, chest of drawers). I have always changed them on a mat on the floor. I accepted second hand clothes and baby equipment (steriliser). I bought the cheapest pram I was happy with, and thanks god for that because my DD hated all prams and only wanted carrier. When I could afford it, I bought a second one and made no difference, at least I used for DS. People buy you lots of clothes for the first 3-6 months, you end up usually with a few still with labels. The most expensive baby-related cost is nursery (childcare). If you have family support, you are more than ok. Mine it's about £50 a day, all inclusive, 8am to 6pm. It's a crime, IMO. The rest, are usually one off buys that you might be able to subsidise through family and friends if you explain your situation and start an early baby wish list. Nappies are about £20-£25 a month at its most. I buy pampers and have a subscription via Amazon family (i.e. you can buy cheaper alternatives if it works for you). Baby powder was £40 a month for one year because I couldn't breastfeed, but if you do, that's money saved. I now can use normal. I can't think of any other regular expenses. Wipes, I guess, about £10-£15 a month. Car seat, but if you buy savvy, you could buy those new ones that last until they are 12. You make it as expensive as you can afford, really. It sounds odd, I know, but in the baby frenzy we tend to buy too much and a lot of useless stuff or completely unnecessary. I mean, co-ordinated three or five piece nursery suite is not necessary, the baby does not appreciate it and we mostly do it for visitors (IMO). You can wait and buy a children's bedroom later on. Same with the pram, it's the motherhood equivalent of buying a car (IMO), some people "need" the very foldable super-easy to manoeuvre this year's fashion at £1000+ ... but there are very good ones in the middle range St £300+ and still ok cheap ones around £150. I got mine from the display at Booths, mid -end of September, when they were making room for the Christmas stuff (yep, September...) and the manager just dropped that I could get any display pram for a very discounted price, as they needed them gone. It came down to £60 with car seat and rain cover. Never properly used and perfect condition. There are also lots of car boot style sales throughout the country with NCT, some items are even new. You also get £137 child credit as a minimum, per month. A friend of mine was earning under £33000 as a household and got nursery heavily subsidise plus working tax credits.

Good luck!

Jedimum1 · 23/06/2016 00:29

Argh... sorry for typos / grammar. I'm typing on phone and missed words with the autocorrect somehow + sleepy brain!

Isetan · 23/06/2016 04:40

DH will be fine.

The same DH who finds change so difficult that even looking at his CV makes him anxious.

It's very strange how your plans for having and financing a baby doesn't include your H, or is being a single parent in a relationship, part of the plan?

Just5minswithDacre · 23/06/2016 05:12

if you can afford it id strongly encourage you to get the diagnostic tests (bloods and a scan) done to check if you have PCOS. If your mother had anovulatory cycles for 17 years and you have been TTC for 6 months with no luck I'd want to check that out before making any decisions.

This*

I think it's about £400/500 to have this done privately. Then you'll have a clearer I tyre to work from. A good investment.

Just5minswithDacre · 23/06/2016 05:14

If there is a postgrad retraining route you can do in 1-2 years, you might want to consider doing it that way instead.

There are now £10k postgrad government student loans available.

Clandestino · 23/06/2016 05:37

I conceived naturally, 10 years on the pill then 5 months off it at 38. And we couldn't even try too hard as DH was travelling at the time and rarely at home.

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