To have no idea how long I can put off having a child for

[AliceScarlett]

I'm 31, I want 1 child. Been ttc for 6 months no success.

For various reasons my work situation has gone down the pan and I think the best thing for me to do is to retrain. This will take 5 years.

If I wait until I'm 36 am I taking a massive risk? Or is having kids now and just scraping by and being in a job I hate worth it to have a higher chance of having a child?

Or I could sit in my high stress, low paid job for the next 2 years while we figure out that I'm infertile

I want it all... I want the different job that allows me to retrain but I also want the family...Classic dilemma.

Help MN. Does fertility really fall off the cliff at 35 or is that a lie?

From personal experience i know many in their late 30s and early 40s who have gotten pregnant. Maybe its a london thing that ladies there have their kids later. Regardless of whether you have a ch8ld now or post-training, your career would be affected by the maternity leave you take. Also would you be happy with 1 child?

What do you want to retrain to do? How long would it take to retrain if you did it full time, or part time for 3 days a week (as opposed to Saturdays only)?

I suggest you work part time and study part time. See if your current job (NHS?) can be cut down to 3 days a week. You can then study for the other 3 days (and have Sundays off!)

Look into any financial support you might be able to get while retraining. And look into benefits you could get with and without a child. If you do have a baby, you will be entitled to quite a bit more, including child benefit, child tax credit, and provided you and your partner work enough hours between you, up to 70% of your childcare costs covered by the childcare element of working tax credit.

FWIW I don't think you should put either TTC or retraining on hold for too long. Look into the finances and see if you can make it work.

Hummmm. Not sure you will get double the SMp if you have 2 jobs. Don't think it works like that.

Just re mat pay - what's the relevance of having 2 jobs?

If you have two separate part time jobs then you qualify for two lots of SMP... I'd get two lots of 138.50 or whatever it is.

But don't you get a percentage of the £138 based on the hours you do or something like that?

Where is your partners support in all of this?

No, if you earn enough you can get the full amount of S

The training is only on a Saturday, but I couldn't afford to take any time off in the week so it actually works quite well.

Anyone know about 2 lots of SMP?

Interestingly you can claim from more than one employer!! Assuming you earn enough from each job! That's an interesting piece of information.

He's.... In a pickle, he knows he earns peanuts and he desperately wants to earn more but he has ASD and change is terrible for him. Everytime he approaches his CV he has a bit of a meltdown. It's not for me to rock the boat, if he gets another job then great, but if not never mind, I'd rather that than him be off sick with anxiety, etc.

Interestingly you can claim from more than one employer!! Assuming you earn enough from each job! That's an interesting piece of information.

That's what I thought! I'm going to the crb tomorrow to double check so I'll let you know.

Help MN. Does fertility really fall off the cliff at 35 or is that a lie?

Of course its not a lie. Who do you think is lying to you? And why?

It's biology. You might be one of those women who could easily get( and stay, more importantly) pregnant at 48, or you might not be able to get pregnant at all.
Ask a fertility specialist, not MN.

SMP info here
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/rights-at-work/parental-rights/check-what-maternity-pay-you-can-get/
You can get SMP from more than one employer as long as you satisfy the conditions for each

Where does your DH come into all this?

I've explained DHs position in this 2 posts ago.

MN answered my question about the 35/cliff, much cheaper than paying a random fertility specialist. Don't goad Hordor, it's not cricket.

Apologies, cross-post.

Not goading at all. If you want to know about your own fertility, you need to see an actual dr type person. No-one here can tell you anything useful at all. What use are population-wide statistics to you on an individual level?

Look, the older you are the more tiring (and life changing) you will find it.
Keep trying, get to the doctors to check for any fertility issues this month.
Also, do you really want to be going through the menopause when your child turns teenager? Crack on.
I added the last part as that looks like what will happen to me. Ugh
Not sure how old your parents are, but it's better to get their help if they are younger and fitter rather than elderly and knackered. I'm all for having kids early 20,s. Apart from finances, it seems to be the best bet.
I had mine at 33.
You can still retrain. Then when the start school, you will still have your own prospects.
Best of luck x x x

You will probably work into your 60s which gives a long window for retraining, changing jobs, changing careers. The window for fertility is much, much smaller. I would talk to a gp about beginning investigations if you are not pregnant by the end of the year. Crank out 1 or 2 dc in your early 30s and then you can go for it re career in your 40s.

If you are having trouble conceiving then you should get checked out now.
Then make decisions.

(To be honest you do seem a bit rigid in your thinking, have you considered you might be on the spectrum?)

Why does it have to be this career?
Can your DP get careers advice and help to find a better paying position more in line with his abilities?
What about benefits?

Everyone is different, but from a personal view... I would say keep trying to TTC. I would rather struggle financially (which we almost do) but have a child, and that's coming from someone who wasn't interested in kids! Having DS is better than anything in the world.

MN answered my question about the 35/cliff, much cheaper than paying a random fertility specialist.

I am going to assume a lighthearted tone here; you can't be serious.

OP, it's not goady to advise you to seek individual advice from a specialist. MN can only give you anecdotes. A good friend had a fertility MOT in her twenties; she is now undergoing fertility treatment but the information provided was invaluable.

Doesn't necessarily fall off the cliff at 35, no.
But are you sure this career is all you'll ever want? Not your misery in your current job making you idealise it?
Plus you're going to be working age for another 37 years. Even if you have the baby, have a year maternity you'd still be qualified by 38 and potentially have a 30 year career.

Biology wise if all is well you have 9 years ish tops. If you chance it and leave it 5 years and then there are issues you are chancing it.

You need to decide your priority and your motivations.

OP will your husband definitely be able to cope with a baby, is his asd really bad? I'm going to be honest here and say he'd need to be on more than 16k because he might actually end up being the only one working for a while, you've got to plan for other possibilities imo, like for example if you end up pregnant with twins.

If you can earn 40k in a job could dh stop working and be a SAHD?