To have no idea how long I can put off having a child for

[AliceScarlett]

I'm 31, I want 1 child. Been ttc for 6 months no success.

For various reasons my work situation has gone down the pan and I think the best thing for me to do is to retrain. This will take 5 years.

If I wait until I'm 36 am I taking a massive risk? Or is having kids now and just scraping by and being in a job I hate worth it to have a higher chance of having a child?

Or I could sit in my high stress, low paid job for the next 2 years while we figure out that I'm infertile

I want it all... I want the different job that allows me to retrain but I also want the family...Classic dilemma.

Help MN. Does fertility really fall off the cliff at 35 or is that a lie?

If you get pregnant now, you can retrain once DC is at school. You might not necessarily be able to get pregnant in 5 years time.

Which would you regret more? Not retraining or not doing all you can to have a baby?

I think you'd be kicking yourself if you retrained and then couldn't get pregnant.

Also, you might get pregnant, have s child and then not care as much about your job. It might give you flexibility to be at home, it might just pay the bills, but it might suit your lifestyle at the time. It might not, but plenty of people stay in jobs that they don't love because they suit them at that time.

Keep TTC - it isn't worth taking the risk.

This may be unhelpful, but if you can afford it id strongly encourage you to get the diagnostic tests (bloods and a scan) done to check if you have PCOS. If your mother had anovulatory cycles for 17 years and you have been TTC for 6 months with no luck I'd want to check that out before making any decisions. You would be able to be referred on the NHS (tests still take ages) or pay privately.

In general, though - I'd be continuing to try and thinking about other ways of skinning the cat eg (1) don't retrain but get a better job (2) do the training part time so you can keep earning etc etc. good luck x

I agree generally in your shoes I'd ttc. I'd say 2 other things: post dc, I care much less about what I do for work, it doesn't drive me in the same way, could you do your current job pt and be happy enough overall? Lastly, your dh also needs to think about how to boost his earnings, it's not a one person problem

I had a big career change and got pregnant at the same time after years of trying without success. I was lucky that it all worked out. With hindsight I'd rather have the baby than the dream job. Don't stop ttc, do pursue career options, but not ones with a 5 year commitment.

If your dh earns 16k just train and work part time - with a child.

We started TTC this time of year in 2013 when I had just turned 32, here we are 3 years later no baby, multiple tests which have identified no apparent issues awaiting an appt for further tests and then in all likelihood IVF. I've just changed my job to something that suits my circumstances better and if by some miracle I do fall pregnant before my full maternity benefits kick in we'll just manage as best we can. Based on my experiences I'd say don't delay. If I'd have passed on all the things that have come up over the last 3 years just in case I got / was pregnant I'd have never have done anything and would've been even more miserable than I am being possibly infertile. I didn't meet my current partner until I was 30 so couldn't have really started trying any earlier but with the wonderful power of hindsight I'd maybe have considered trying during my ill fated marriage in my 20s

Agree with the majority here and say keep ttc now. I'm 39 and just had dd2 but took us 2 years and lots of tests. We conceived naturally just after I had an HSG test which showed one completely blocked tube and one tube which was sluggish as dye took so long to pass through. It took us nearly 2 years to get that test and afterwards the consultant told us private IVF our only answer.
My DD1 is about to turn 5 as had her at 34 and took about five months to conceive her. Even now I wish I could go back and tell our younger selves not to have waited so long though. That 2 years of secondary infertility was an emotional roller coaster as I desperately wanted a second baby. We were very very lucky in the end and I am thankful every minute of every day things worked out for us.
If having a family is important to you don't wait. Career doesn't have to stop with having children. Think about which you would regret more and go from there. Good luck OP! Xx

Keep TTC, investigate if you have any fertility issues sooner rather than later given your mother's history (NICE guidelines is investigate after a year of TTC without success) and pursue your retraining options in the meantime. Realistically if you put it off then it won't be just five years, you would need to establish yourself in your new career for a few years because qualifying and immediately disappearing on mat leave is not a good career strategy.

I'm 29 and been ttc since October. Found out I have pcos and under Fertility clinic. I was going to stop ttc when I started a new job but didn't and thank god as I found out about these problems so have gone down this route. Good luck but I wouldn't stop ttc x

I echo practically everyone else - don't stop ttc. If you had issues in 5 years time you can't turn back the clock but realistically the training opportunity will still be there or life will have changed & you'll have decided on another path

I would sort out work and finances first because it's really hard to be as dedicated to work when you have children and having financial worries adds another stress to the difficult enough juggling act of trying to balance children and work.

I had my first baby at 41, conceived naturally after 2 years of ttc with a mmc halfway through and I'm currently expecting my second baby at 43, a complete surprise after doing the deed once in a whole month and avoiding the fertile window - or so we thought!

Good luck.

I was torn between ttc and getting a new job that was a training post.
I took both and ended up getting pregnant the month after I started after ttc for months but I was really well protected legally because I was pregnant after I started the job.

They weren't allowed to dismiss me, had to pay me maternity pay and had to ensure I had a same level job to come back to.
So I'd probably go for both in your position.

As it happened with me, I didn't want to go back to my job in the end and worked my notice while on maternity leave and then started a university course to train in something completely different.

As I didn't have a degree I was eligible for student loans and childcare grants which were the only reason I was able to do a degree and I now have a job a million miles away from what I was doing on much better pay.

Also as I Started degree when dd was 1, I was home a lot for the three years it took to complete it and luckily dd started school the term after I finished so it worked out well for me with getting a job. So there are lots of options if you hate your job.

I was really debating whether to ttc or take the training job but my mum told me if I waiting for the right time to ttc there would always be something to stop me.
I hope you figure out what is best for you though it's not a quick and easy decision for you.

When you are old would you look back and think, I wish I had worked more or I wish I had had a baby. I was an older mum and had 6 miscarriages to get my 2 children. Once they were in my arms I never wanted to work again. So I became a SAHM and we live in the breadline but I wouldn't change a thing.

I am currently on a year out from retraining as I had DC2 8 months ago. Actually, I have already gone back to the training on a very very part time basis just to keep my hand in.

I considered waiting to retrain until after I'd had a second child, but didn't want TTC to have the added pressure of "I could have been training to do what I love right now, instead of peeing on all these sticks every month!" So I just got on with it, applied for and started the training and got pregnant about 5 months in on the 3rd month of trying. I felt a bit stressed about announcing my pregnancy but turned out no one batted an eyelid as it is a common thing and everyone works around it. I'm now really glad that I started the training first as if I'd waited, I might have lost the momentum.

So I would pursue both if that's at all feasible for you. But if I'd had to choose, I would not have delayed TTC as you just never know, and as pp have said you can retrain (more or less) any time.

So you earn more than your DH? If you get pregnant take the minimum maternity leave and get him to go PT/give up work. But retrain as well, you can't put your life on hold in case you get pregnant.

FWIW for every story about someone in their 20s having fertility problems there's a story about someone in their 40s conceiving easily (took us 1 month to have DS when I was 41). 6 months is not so long really.

Also do you want more than one child because you need to factor that in too.

I waited til my training ended and assumed I would conceive within the year. I didn't. 4 years later and I'm cautiously pregnant with a self funded IVF round. I'm already worried it might be an only child as at 37 I may well be pushing my luck for a second.

I agree with people who have recommended fertility tests. You can get an fertility mot through care but get AMH tests done too (if you fancy a holiday to the Czech Republic my AMH test was £15!)

Could have a baby at 36, be much more financially secure, enjoy a longer maternity leave, not be stressed out about money all the time, be happy with my new career....

Hopefully these will be the outcomes of retraining - but regardless of your field they are not guaranteed. If having a child is important to you then you need to keep TTC. Stop writing lists and overwhelming yourself, and focus on prioritising your health.

If you are sure you want a child, leaving it five years is unlikely to be the best choice unless you're very young. You're not. It isn't the case that fertility drops off a cliff at 35, that's an oversimplification, and as there's considerable variation from the mean and a helluva lot of humans, the world is full of 23 year olds who can't conceive and 42 year olds who get upduffed at the merest sniff of sperm. But you are at the stage where your fertility is, at a minimum, not going to be helped by waiting half a decade and will most probably decline at least somewhat. Since you are likely to be able to retrain for longer than you are likely to be able to conceive, it would be logical for the baby to take priority. If you want to know how to make it work financially, as you asked in your last post, you're going to need to provide more information.

Thanks loads everyone. I'm glad there is some consensus. Here's my options:

1, 2 part time jobs, 2 days in the NHS 2 days as a nanny. I'll get two lots of statutory maternity pay, then childcare will be OK because there is loads of jobs advertised for "nanny with own child considered". I'll spend Saturday retraining. Earning about 28k

2, Take the full time job in sales, hopefully earn 35-40k, spend Saturdays re training, not very good maternity leave or any childcare options. Would just be having a child to then see it one day a week. Not what I want

Or do number 2 until I'm qualified in 5 years and will have hopefully saved enough to have decent maternity leave and afford childcare as I'll be able to earn money from being qualified after the training.... But I'll be 36 by then.

*3 days as a nanny!

Just re mat pay - what's the relevance of having 2 jobs? Does the NHS pay a lot more? Because you know that hour mat pay is calculated as a % of your earnings whilst you get "2 lots" so (for example) if both jobs pay the same per day you'd get exactly the same amount as if you worked 4 days in 1 job.

Also, I'd be tempted to do no 2. You will still see your child in the week and it's not forever. And you'd be setting yourself up for the rest of your child's life.

No one would have children if they really assessed the financial costs. Thankfully the experience reward is above financial costs!

As many others have said I wouldn't recommend holding back from TTC as you're already in your 30s. Too risky to leave it.