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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

seperate accounts..... grief.

184 replies

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 20/06/2016 00:29

Ive just been reading a thread about GHDs and all that popped out to me is how many people on MN were horrified/chastizied (sp?) about why when you are married you should have joint accounts. I personally think this is mad. What on earth is wrong with having seperate accounts when you are married? Im a SAHM and there is No bloody way i would share a joint account. Ppl saying its childish etc wtf? Why Aibu?!?

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 20/06/2016 00:34

Why wouldn't you share an account? How can you have 'your money' and 'his money' when it's all family money - unless you have a private income? I guess it just saves time sharing, otherwise the wage earner would have to tx money to the other.

EveOnline2016 · 20/06/2016 00:36

Dh and I have separate accounts.

All though I can see us ever splitting up I will not take that risk of ever being without my own money.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 20/06/2016 00:37

Dunno. We manage jolly nicely with our own accounts and a joint one for bills. We have a spreadsheet that we plug our average pay and joint expenses into and it chucks out our contributions to the joint account. We're both averse to debt and trust each other.
When I was on maternity, DH paid most stuff and I used the CB for dc stuff.
There's no single right way. My parents have been married 50 years and don't even have a joint account for bills.

Pinkheart5915 · 20/06/2016 00:39

Everything me & DH have is in joint names. We are very much equals so why not have joint accounts? Me both spend whatever we want each month and we are happy with the way we do things.

purplefox · 20/06/2016 00:39

If you're a SAHM and have no income how do you access funds? What do you do when you want to buy something?

Vickyyyy · 20/06/2016 00:40

Separate accounts is not an issue. Only time I would see it as a problem is if the income was classed as separate...especially coupled with one parent (usually the mother) paying out for day to day activities with the kids, bills, extra shopping and such while other partner has a massive amount of disposable income for their self.

However, each to their own. What works for me might not work for others. Other peoples finances are fuck all to do with me.

PurpleDaisies · 20/06/2016 00:44

Why is there only one right answer? People are different. Having a joint account works perfectly for us. I wouldn't judge someone for keeping separate accounts, so I wouldn't expect people to judge me for having a joint account.

Somerville · 20/06/2016 00:46

I've never seen people on here saying it's childish to have joint accounts. Confused

Personally my DH and I started out with separate accounts and one joint for bills. But it became simpler over time to just share the joint, especially after having children when I went freelance just as he got a big promotion - all of a sudden our incomes had a big gap, and viewing it all as family money helped us both. And it did simplify things when he got ill and quite quickly died, that everything was by that stage in both of our names.

But horses for courses... there's no right way.

Somerville · 20/06/2016 00:48

I meant the opposite of what I typed... I've never seen people on here say it's childish to have separate accounts.
Or joint.
It's one of those personal preference things.

whattodowiththepoo · 20/06/2016 00:59

The "it's all family money" mentality is one of the reasons I'm not a huge fan of marriage.

VioletBam · 20/06/2016 00:59

We have separate accounts. We manage our money by discussing how much we each have...he is employed so his wage is always the same...and I'm self employed so mine varies.

He pays the bills...he earns more...and I pay for DC clothes and our weekly food. If I have a good month, then we discuss what to do with the extra...often it's used on bigger purchases such as if we need a new washing machine or something.

What's left over is split....on say a day out or into a joint savings account. If you have your own accounts, you just have to communicate more. It's not hard.

Somerville · 20/06/2016 01:16

whattodowiththepoo But the OP is married. So it is all family money (short of a few unusual circumstances), whichever of their names the accounts are in.

queenoftheboys · 20/06/2016 01:27

Everyone's different, organise your family finances however you like - why do you care so much what strangers on the internet think?

I'm a SAHP too and we have joint accounts for everything, we never question what the other person spends, and that works well for us. Personally I couldn't stand having separate accounts and having to ask my DH for money, or feel like he was paying me an allowance.

His job outside the house is the one that brings in the money, but what I do is just as valuable to the family and should be (and is) treated as such.

Original poster
PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 20/06/2016 01:34

Im a sahm, but have my own income (wont go further than that) all the bills are paid out of my account and are in both of our names. Dh is just stupid with money and I have a standing order that he pays into my account to cover a small proportion (equating to 1/3 of his salary) but I put that away into my&Dcs savings accounts for big expenditures (mostly DCs). We have a solid marriage but he has made so many financial fuck ups prior to marriage and onwards that I dont trust him with money, he is like a sieve. The rest of his salary is his to spend as he wishes, this was an agreement we made together. However its not 'family money', the house yes split 50/50 if had to but there is no way in hell id have my private income taken away from me so i dont see it as 'family money'.
Im just glad to see that there are people who do have their own accounts and not shared. Just makes me feel not bonkers!

OP posts:
Longtime · 20/06/2016 01:36

Same here queenoftheboys. My dh is in a small family business and I do the books. It has always therefore been a given that I would do the same for our family finances too. I have been asked if I felt kept because we have joint accounts. It's quite the opposite!! I have total assess to all money and dh just lets me sort it all out. I couldn't stand to have to ask him for money or an allowance. Neither of us are big spenders so it works well this way.

Original poster
PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 20/06/2016 01:37

"Why do you care what strangers think? "
ummmm just asking a question queenoftheboys.....why post an answer? Same thing really.

OP posts:
DailyFaily · 20/06/2016 01:38

We have separate accounts and no joint one. The mortgage/bills all come out of my account (hangover from the fact that I bought and lived in the house prior to DH moving in). He just has a standing order for an amount that covers half the mortgage/house related bills and extra for food. I cover all else, including child related stuff and most furniture related expenses (so I pay out more than him but I earn almost twice as much as him no issue from me about that). If there are extra costs (house maintenance, christmas) we just work out who's going to contribute what, and if we're eating out we just take turns depending on who's flush at the time. We've been married 10 years and together 10 years before that - it works fine for us (I don't consider all of my money family money, but it's certainly available to the family if it's needed)

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 20/06/2016 01:39

I personally think this is mad

Balanced way of putting it.

I'm able to understand that people have different relationships, personalities, issues and expectations to do with money. There is no 'I'm right' about it.

We've always had a joint account and our own accounts as well. It works very well for us.

You seem very het up about what other people do with their money though.

Original poster
PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 20/06/2016 01:39

So if you have total access to both finances do you both just spend as you wish? Or do you discuss if something is over a certain amount?

OP posts:
FirstWeTakeManhattan · 20/06/2016 01:42

We have a solid marriage but he has made so many financial fuck ups prior to marriage and onwards that I dont trust him with money, he is like a sieve

Dh is just stupid with money

Right, well that makes your circumstances very different to lots of other people then.

It makes sense for you to have a separate account. It doesn't really explain why you judge other people though.

Original poster
PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 20/06/2016 01:46

Not het up, that thread just got me thinking really as alot of people see it as "family money''. I am of the same opinion of Dailyfaily that if the family needs something then of course its there. But i suppose curious. I did forget to say that my parents had a joint account with £0000's in it and my father pinched it all prior to divorce by falsifying my mothers signature so yes "thats why my view is balanced" so to speak. This was years and years ago of course.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 20/06/2016 01:46

So if you have total access to both finances do you both just spend as you wish? Or do you discuss if something is over a certain amount?

We only have a joint account but generally I'd just buy what I wanted. If it was a big purchase (over £500-£1000) we'd talk about it first but we did that before we got married and went fully joint. Not in a permission sort of way, just a discussion so we know the account balance would be lower than usual. I'm the lower earner by a lot.

Original poster
PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 20/06/2016 01:47

Apologise didnt mean to drip feed!! But i dont see how people view it all as one pot? How do you do it?

OP posts:
KateInKorea · 20/06/2016 01:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleDaisies · 20/06/2016 01:49

But i dont see how people view it all as one pot? How do you do it?

Both salaries go straight into the joint account. It's one account we both use. I don't see what's difficult to understand about that...

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