seperate accounts..... grief.

[PancakesAndMapleSyrup]

Ive just been reading a thread about GHDs and all that popped out to me is how many people on MN were horrified/chastizied (sp?) about why when you are married you should have joint accounts. I personally think this is mad. What on earth is wrong with having seperate accounts when you are married? Im a SAHM and there is No bloody way i would share a joint account. Ppl saying its childish etc wtf? Why Aibu?!?

Purple daisies what if there is a stalemate in a situation like the one you suggest?

There never has been because we trust each other to be sensible with money. I wouldn't have married someone I didn't feel like that about.

I did forget to say that my parents had a joint account with £0000's in it and my father pinched it all prior to divorce by falsifying my mothers signature so yes "thats why my view is balanced"

Any other massive, thread-changing drip feeds, OP?

I don't have much to add, but your recent posts are a little more enlightening that your first.

Its difficult when you dont know any different and have ALWAYS been told to keep your money seperate.

than

I did apologise. Its late. But it is something that really got me thinking.

You weren't just asking a question though - your OP is phrased quite emotively and you do seem rather "het up", as a pp said, about people having different opinions on how best to organise family finances.

Anyway, yes, we just spend as we wish. There is no set amount above which we discuss things, but we do discuss major purchases. I guess we have fairly similar attitudes to money, so it works for us.

Its difficult when you dont know any different and have ALWAYS been told to keep your money separate.

No one's forcing you to have a joint account if you don't want one-that's the whole point of the thread isn't it? That people should be free to organise their finances in the way that suits their relationship best?

I trust my dh completely so I'm not at all worried about him either running off with our money, spending it all on rubbish or trying to stop me from buying shoes and handbags. I can understand why others would want more control of the money they'd earned themselves. I wouldn't criticise anyone for the choice they'd made.

Just seen your updates, which explain why you are so emotional about this issue, but also make it pretty clear why there's no one way that works for everyone.

How do people view it all as one pot?

Because if the marriage ended, it would be viewed as one pot, and assigned on the basis of need (particularly for the children's sole residence) rather than according to whose account it was held in. (Obviously a few caveats of upheld pre-nups etc...)

Listen OP, in your situation separate accounts sound sensible. In my marriage a joint account was sensible. (Once we had 3 kids close together, our choice was both of our careers suffer a bit, or DH's career soar and me go freelance, lower my hours a bit, and not work school holidays. Choosing the latter, together, meant sharing his higher earnings or it wouldn't have been fair.)

On a practical level, we had an agreement about roughly how much we could spend on non essentials per month without double checking with the other.

If I remarry, I would need to have a pre-nup to protect the money my late husband left for my needs and then to be passed to our children. As I know that pre-nups are only upheld on divorce if there is more than enough money for everyone's needs to be met from the remainder, I won't marry someone who doesn't own his own home or who isn't sensible with money. (As far as I'd be able to tell - these things can take time to be revealed, I know that.)

I wouldn't necessarily have joint current accounts again. It would depend on a host of factors, but most importantly whether either of us were prejudicing our career for the other.

We have a joint account and separate accounts. Most of our wages go into the joint account as does child benefit and any extra money. This pays for food, mortgage, anything for the children. We both hold back a couple of hundred pounds from our own wages for our own hobbies, things like haircuts and going out with separate friends. Then no one has to discuss or justify any sundry spending which I know a lot of my friends do who spend this money out the joint account.
Works for us, not that bothered what everyone else is up to.

Ours is just all into one joint account.

Over the years I have made more than DH, then he has made more than me, so swings and roundabouts. We both view it as 'our' money rather than mine and his.

Anything over $500 I would run it by him and he me. We are both very good with money though and wouldn't spend that without needing it/really wanting it and knowing we had the cash.

We do both have expensive hobbies and our older son now has a pretty pricey one as well, so it does come up but neither of us has veto power over the other we just discuss it and work it out.

I trust him, he trusts me - we have never given each other cause to feel any other way so it works for us.

DH and I both work full time and earn similar amounts, although I earn about 8K a year more than him. We have our own accounts that our salaries are paid into and from that we both put money into the bills account to cover our joint expenses. As I earn more, I pay more of the bills so that we're both left with a fair amount at the end of each month.

But, we most certainly do not have a family pot. His money is his money and mine is mine. He buys all sorts of shit with his money that I would really begrudge if it were mine / joint money, and I should imagine he would feel the same. If either of us run out before the end of the month, we'd happily lend each other the money - but would expect each other to pay it back when pay day comes. And yes, it he wants to spend 1K on something stupid - that's his look out - his money and providing he's not taken it from the bills account, it's got nothing to do with me.

It works for us and we have a very strong marriage. We never row over money - because it doesn't concern each other how much the other has got / spends. It's fair and we're happy.

Don't care what anyone else does. I have friends that have joint accounts and it works for them. Would never work for us, but if it works for them - great!

There are quite often threads like this asking in amazement how people can have joint accounts, but I always think that whatever arrangement you have, it really has to come down to fairness. The arrangement to have joint finances is fair, in our case, because I gave up my career (where I was earning less than him, and not enough to cover the childcare,) to look after the children we had together (another joint decision.) If an arrangement is not fair then I think it leads to resentment and niggles away at a good relationship. If my DH did not recognise the financial sacrifices that I had made, then I would certainly not have agreed to this arrangement. I am an equal partner in this relationship and I therefore have an equal say over what happens to our money, which for us, means a joint account. It's pretty simple, really. The most important thing is that whatever way you organise your money as a couple/family it is fair to all parties.

I think it's true to say that your arrangement of having an independent income that funds your family and your choice to be a SAHM is very unusual, OP.

I'm a stay at home mum. Have been four a long time. Dh transfers his wage to my account where all the bills DD etc come out off. I use a cc aswell as dh and the idea is to pay them off from his wage every month. He saves a 3rd of his wage every month but even that is saved in a joint savings account.
CB is used to covers dc tuition and club fees. Oh and my credit card is in his name-
So our debts are in his name and u have access to his savings. 😄

*I

I have a joint account with my ex. We split up many years ago but we still share parenting, and we find a joint account convenient.

To each their own, I guess.

I personally wouldn't share a financial account with someone unless it was a joint account we both paid into to cover bills, rent/mortgage, groceries, etc. I like my financial independence too much and I will always want to keep a hold of it. I think that stems from having one parent who was very good with money living with the other who was very, very bad with it. With age I came to to understand their frustrations and all the difficulties they've suffered over the years as a result. Their mortgage could have been paid off several times over but still isn't due to one parent wracking up debt and spending everything in the joint accounts. I think it's just made me overly cautious. I'm not sure I would ever trust a partner 100% with access to all of our money. But I also realise that's my issue.

People will do what's right for them and theirs. There's no right or wrong

But i dont see how people view it all as one pot? How do you do it?

Everything we have is in joint names. I run one joint account (my salary goes into it ) and he runs another (his salary goes into it) and then we have various savings stuff in joint names but everything we own is in one pot.

how do we do it? We don't own anything that we didn't earn together during our 20 plus year marriage. All our endeavours were for our joint benefit. I moved for my husband's job. When we moved, my new job earned more. He then earned more. We had 3 children and dropped back in work at various times. It was all for the one pot because:

1. This is our family. Neither of us want to go through the world alone. We chose each other and we chose to have a family together. Joint finances are the least of our commitments together. Nearly every day (we have teens) I feel that DH and I are in the same boat rowing in the same direction despite all the crap that is being thrown at us - why would I then be asking him for his half of the electricity bill. At this point we have more important issues to talk about when we talk. And we trust each other with our money

1. We are on the same page with money. We talked about it before marrying. We both had similar earning potential. We agree on what we give to charity, what is the priority in spending etc. But we started talking about this way before we had any real money to spend.

1. We don't have financial baggage like you, OP. My parents ran their finances together as did Dh's. No one ran off with the current account. . If I had married a man who was really bad with money then I might well do what you do OP. But just because you have your arrangements it doesn't mean our joint arrangements are wrong.

You think it is mad to have joint accounts. I think it is tricky to marry someone who is bad with money and can't be trusted with a joint account. Different strokes for different folks.

Joint accounts, separate accounts, I can't get bothered about. So long as everyone has similar spending power. So, if an icecream on the beach is a massive treat, then both should be able to achieve that. If your state level of buying an iPad, both should have the possibility.
However you manage your money, the problem comes when one partner cannot afford to buy an icecream, and the other is upgrading the iPad.

FWIW, we have a joint account. I'm not earning atm, so spend from DHs earnings. I probably spend more than him, as I'm the one who has the time to go and get things, he's tied up at work 5 days a week! When we both earnt similar amounts, it all went into one account too. The important thing is it works for everyone. How that is achieved is unimportant!

We did 60% each of salaries went into the joint account to pay the bills, and the other 40% was your own. If there was a big expense then we'd do it as a percentage - he earned a lot more than me.

i agree with green.
joint account holder here and i wouldn't want it any other way. i would feel very inadequate on a daily basis if i saw my account as a reflection of my self worth while raising the children.
on another note a close friend's had separate accounts with her dh, he suffered a stroke and was hospitalized for months.....she had a heck of a time paying "his bills".

I think sharing the same attitude to money, rather than how many accounts you have, is the key factor. Dh and I have lived in five different countries and some of our accounts are joint and some are sole name, however, we each have equal say regarding how the money is spent or saved. Neither one of us would spend a large amount without asking the other - not asking for permission, but rather as a courtesy to keep the other party informed.
My parents always had separate accounts - but same attitude to money - so, one again, no issues. Pils have always had joint.

I agree that fairness is the key thing, and how that's achieved will vary from couple to couple- the "ice cream and ipad" example sums it up well, and there are many many threads on here where someone (typically the female partner) is wearing holey knickers whilst her "D" P is on a week long stag to Vegas with $$$ in spends. I do find it odd that you can live with someone and not care that they have less than you, unless the reason is that they're a total lazy freeloader, but I think that's rare. Typically earnings inequality is either structural- if you're a teacher and you marry an investment banker- or due to caring responsibilities.

That said, I think in those circumstances, lack of joint account is a symptom rather than a cause.

DH and I survived many years of income inequality before getting a joint account (laziness) , although I did have a CC that came out of his account etc. We eventually got one for admin reasons but it hasnt really changed how we view money.

We have seperate accounts as my DH is fairly paranoid (tight) about money. It wasn't an issue when I was working as he paid the mortgage and main bills every month as he earnt about 15k more than me at the time and saved most of the rest of it. I bought most of the day to day stuff and earnt enough for myself, so I was never short.
Now neither of us are working, (occupational pension) I rely on him to pay me 'pocket money' which can be frustrating at times but I can't get too worked up over it as I just buy what I want to on my credit card and get him to pay it off each month.
We're currently at a stand off about whose car to sell as we don't need to run 2 anymore but we can't seem to agree on a solution. Basically, he refuses to consider selling his. It's bigger than mine and costs a lot more in running costs. I'm happy to sell mine if we sell them both together and get something affordable. He's stuck on the fact that when he bought his, I agreed that I'd sell mine when we moved but that was before I realised that his costs almost 2k a year to tax over here (Ireland). Mine costs about £600 a year by comparison. Neither are worth much but we can't really afford to spend ££££ on buying something newer and both our cars are Japanese brands and pretty reliable but his repair costs are proportionally more expensive too.
Also, with the pound plummeting against the Euro over Brexit fears, it's making him even grumpier.