seperate accounts..... grief.

[PancakesAndMapleSyrup]

Ive just been reading a thread about GHDs and all that popped out to me is how many people on MN were horrified/chastizied (sp?) about why when you are married you should have joint accounts. I personally think this is mad. What on earth is wrong with having seperate accounts when you are married? Im a SAHM and there is No bloody way i would share a joint account. Ppl saying its childish etc wtf? Why Aibu?!?

I don't see anything odd with one pot or separate pots. Either is ok. We are a one pot family. We have never once in 30 plus years argued or disagreed about money.

I find it odd to marry someone who is irresponsible with money as that wouldn't be the choice I'd want for the father of my kids. Being irresponsible with money suggests someone is immature and probably selfish.

Equal ammounts transferred to joint account I should add, even though I earn more.

See, this is where I don't really get it. You earn more than twice as much yet you both still pay exactly the same? How do you agree on what those joint expenses are? You could afford a much nicer house, holidays etc. So either you have to come down to your partner's 'level' or they have to spend more than they would ideally want to and have little left over. It just seems like it would be very easy to get resentful of each other in such circumstances.

We have separate accounts, but transfer money into a joint one for bills. There are some bills we pay separately - DP covers the Sky, for example, as I wouldn't have that if I was living on my own, and I pay the TV license as I already had it set up before we moved in together and just transferred it over to the new property - and we pay a set amount each into the joint account for groceries. Stuff like picking up milk/bread/bits is fairly even, and we spend our own money how we want to. We don't have kids and both work full time.

We have a joint account. Both DH and I have similar spending habits. We only buy necessities, we like saving and will only 'treat' ourselves if the bank balance is looking healthy.

Big purchases are discussed- not for permission but for opinions/excitement as a friend/partner.

I sort out finances and access the joint account online. DH hates paperwork whereas I quite like it.

Our arrangement wouldn't work if he or I had different spending habitsome- that could be a cause of conflict.

For us, a joint current/saving/mortgage account is easy and clear.

There are pro's and cons to both. Dinners out is payed by joint account but when I buy him a gift - I'm using half his money on it!!!!

whatsthatcomingoverthehill We have the house we both wanted, and are paying it back equally. We currently both have seperate debts which we're paying off, my debts are larger, so the sooner I get them payed off with my larger wage, the sooner I can start helping to pay off my partners debts as well, so just because it's my money doesn't mean I horde it to myself, sure, I'll buy things that benefit myself because it is still my earned money, but wouldn't subject someone to a joint life of poverty because of it. Similarily for holidays, I wouldn't say we had to go to a cheaper place because my partner doesn't earn enough to cover it, likely chance is, I would pay a higher percentage, just depends on the circumstances at the time. We're going away next month, and have paid 50:50 for it.

And if anything, my partner is more of the instigator for this way of living together, and doesn't see my wage as theirs, and doesn't want to be kept. Like I said, it's working for us, will obviously not work for other couples, and may work for other couples on here.

I also don't get how non joint would work, like what'sthat. Not much fun for Dh on a swanky holiday on his own as on my earnings couldn't afford it.

He earns more because I do kids and everything else. I do earn but not as much. If I hadn't taken on family commitments I would earn what he does. Anything other than joint would be very lop sided and make everyone unhappy!

We have separate accounts that our salaries go into, and another account that we both pay an equal amount in to. Been together 26 years and have never argued about money.

Have personal and joint account(s) across some different banks. Gives some flexibility around things such as access to mortgages or other customer perks, ATM or payment systems breaking, needing a large about of cash out of arms.

We share money. We still have separate accounts.

RandyMagnum In practice then it seems that you do share your money. It's just that you do it in other ways than through a shared account.

It does also depend completely on circumstances, e.g: having children together; second marriage where you already had kids separately; financial issues for one partner etc.

The separate accounts thing is really a red herring, it is how you treat each other that matters. There's enough evidence on here of how people can be financially abused either way.

Thanks for all your posts its given me quite a bit to think about, especially if something were to happen to me then he would need a regular income from mine (not a lump sum!) We married young and had the children prior to marriage. I have an enormous amount of respect for ky DH who is great in everyway bar finances! My income came to me after we were married and that is why im a sahm now. I prefer to have the children with me as i have the oppourtunity. If we go out one will treat the other and then next time vice versa. I will go abd get legal advice as some peopke suggested as i would want to tie up the bulk in trust for the children, but by no means leace DH high and dry.

Thank you all its put perspective on things for me.

We have a joint household / family account that we pay into each ml th. everything for us as a family comes out of this, bills, utilities, holidays, meals out, DC activities, DC savings. We also have a joint savings account, for house maintenance etc. Beyond that, we keep our own accounts and manage our own financial affairs. We both earn about the same amount, and have covered periods of SAHP between us .

If one of us was a SAHP, or I'll, or unemployed, then the joint acct would be adjusted accordingly with more money diverted as 'family' and available to both.

I am more organised and long term in approach, DP is 'spend it while you have it', but not irresponsibly so. I will be the richer pensioner .

But neither of us earns heaps, by any means.

We have seperate accounts but both have savings and investments where we could buy a house each easily and some.

Been together almost 20 years. I suppose if you are a SAHP that changes the issue. As much as some may disagree I always thought that being a SAHP made you financially vulnerable.

We have a spreadsheet! Sounds flippant so I'll explain. Every single bit of income goes into spreadsheet to find total. Every bit of family expenditure goes into spreadsheet to find total (we run separate spreadsheets to find averages for expenses that vary; food, car, kids activities). We ensure all family expenditure (pension payments and life insurance of all sorts count as family expenditure) is covered from a joint account. Then the surplus is split between us as our pocket money. Into separate accounts. We have exactly the same to the penny. From this pocket money we then pay for our own things. Mobile bill, gym and other fitness stuff. Gifts for the other. It works for us. DH is higher earner but only because I've accepted a career sacrifice to be more flexible and available for the DCs (it's possible for me and not him). The plan is to eventually flip that and I go for the better paid jobs (he's plateaued) I've got loads of earning potential while he becomes the more flexible/available parent. Fingers crossed it all works out. Joint and separate accounts works for us.

You lost me at "spreadsheet"

Kerala - i think it was - mentioned getting a lasting power of attorney, so that if one party is incapacitated the other can operate the other's separate accounts. That does sound a good idea - i wonder how many people do it in practice? Time to check that out i think.

You can do your own online if you have the time or the inclination or ask a solicitor. The fee even if you do yourself is £110 each (there are 2 available, financial and property and health and welfare) plus fees if you get a professional to do it.

My worry with the separate accounts camp is if one of you is suddenly incapable the other can't access their accounts without applying for deputyship through the courts (expensive and time consuming). Once you've lost capacity you can't make a power of attorney. If accounts are joint its less of a practical issue. Right will shut up now.

Why wouldn't you share an account? How can you have 'your money' and 'his money' when it's all family money - unless you have a private income? I guess it just saves time sharing, otherwise the wage earner would have to tx money to the other

Not for us. We have never had a joint account. I have my income, he has his.

The thing about the online one seems to be that you grant power over financial affairs straight away wheres there is more protection if you have it drafted so that it only takes effect if you are incapaitated - is that right?

Obviously in real life if your oh starts operating your bank account you would revoke the lpa i suppose - but you might feel happier knowing a doc had to certify that you now had no capacity before the attorney can get going!

Its not intended that an LPA hands over power to your attorney they can't merrily take over your affairs when you are able to manage yourself. They are obliged to make all efforts to assist you in making your own decisions where possible. They step in if you cannot manage and it is in your best interests for them to do so. You can put in the extra block that the financial and property LPA only comes in if a medical professional confirms you have lost capacity. In practise not sure many people do this it can be difficult to make it work practically. Health and welfare LPA only come into effect anyway if you have actually lost capacity.

Its not advised to wait until you are incapable to register the LPA. If something is wrong with it and you have lost capacity you can't put the error right and then its too late to have one at all.

Must say as an optimist and romantic I find all this squirrelling of accounts and mistrust of spouses quite depressing. I wouldn't have married a man I wouldn't trust with my money or to act in my best interests if I were vulnerable. Whats the point otherwise?

We have joint everything. Just find it easier and also helps Dh with money management as he isn't great with "getting" bills first. I am the sole earner he is a SAHD. Our rule is that as long as the bills are paid, the rest is used by both of us. He works bloody hard at home and the way I see it he earns it just as much as me. He find a it hard though and although I could turn round and spend a month's wages on £50 candles, he always asks before spending. It makes me sad :/ I also like the security of knowing if anything happened to me he could instantly access savings and pay bills etc but yeah I agree whichever way works for you, it doesn't really matter does it?

Thanks kerala - in fact the online form does give you the option to make it take effect only if you lack mental capacity. But it is interesting to know many people don't use that - i suppose for all the reasons you've said!

Our wages go into a joint account. Our wages were roughly the same when we married almost 34 years ago. I have done maternity leaves, being a SAHM and part time work so my salary was a lot less than OH. He retires this year so his pension will be roughly the same as my salary. In recent years though we have both also had separate accounts and put £250 in each for personal expenditure. Whatever works for you.

We don't have any joint accounts and never have. Some of the bills come out of his account, some from mine. It works for us.

So if you have separate accounts then who pays for a meal out- do you split the bill?

I also don't get how non joint would work, like what'sthat. Not much fun for Dh on a swanky holiday on his own as on my earnings couldn't afford it.

I always find these sorts of comments odd. Is it really difficult to understand? We talk, that's how it works. "Do you fancy going to [name of restaurant] tonight?" "Can do but I haven't got much in my account this week." "That's OK, I'll pay". Swanky holiday? We talk about where we want to go, how much it will be, and who can pay what. Having separate accounts doesn't mean you can't or don't buy things for your partner.

But isn't that the point Permanently, it then means the lower earner is to an extent beholden to the other, and the higher earner has more power, but potentially gets annoyed to be bank rolling their partner. Most of the examples I have heard people don't actually operate as though it was their own money, even if they have separate accounts. Because really, if you are sharing everything else with someone, have children etc, it just seems a bit weird to keep your money solely to yourself. Separate accounts where you both have similar incomes/spending money and don't want to get annoyed at the crap you view the other as buying, great. (And a joint account with one person questioning everything the other spends could he suffocating).