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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay BF for holiday I cancelled

176 replies

StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 11:27

Long term lurker coming out of hiding to garner some opinions as genuinely not sure if IABU or not...

I have recently split up with a boyfriend of four months. Although we had some good times together, I did have a lot of doubts about him. He started and left two jobs during our relationship due to fall-outs with colleagues, he has a long past history of petty crime and drug use (only found that out shortly before our split!) and has some incredibly arrogant views. We also split earlier in our relationship when he told me that he would 'probably cheat on me' (I've no idea why I took him back!) In short he completely lacks empathy. He was also incredibly insecure about his intelligence (or lack of) and would frequently put me and my job (as a doctor) down. By the end, I was only really staying with him as I felt guilty as he had booked a holiday for us for my birthday present. However, a few days before the holiday he got drunk and sent some unprovoked texts telling me how stupid I am compared to him, how worthless I am, how I am a waste of space etc.. At first I thought he was joking but it quickly became apparent that he wasn't. I sent him a text saying that I couldn't continue the relationship. I heard back from him straight away asking for two hundred pounds (my 'share' for the holiday) to be transferred into his account. This was a week ago and I have had several follow up texts. I am genuinely unsure what to do. I do feel guilty for cancelling but firstly, the holiday was my present (so I never owned him a share) and secondly I feel the break up was completely deserved. So AIBU to tell him I am not paying?

OP posts:
monkeywithacowface · 25/05/2016 11:29

No I wouldn't pay. Tell him to find some other mug to go on holiday with him.

ImperialBlether · 25/05/2016 11:30

No way, the stupid knob!

He bought you a present and now wants the money back?

I'm flabbergasted why you, a doctor, should have been seeing such an idiot as this. I thought you'd get the pick of the bunch! No, tell him to sod off and block him.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 25/05/2016 11:30

Nope yanbu and it sounds like you are well did. Had you booked the holiday together I would say yabu but since you did not then no I would not pay

deVelvet · 25/05/2016 11:31

Tell him to beat it! Don't pay him a bloody thing. Arse

Gazelda · 25/05/2016 11:31

Tell him you're not paying. Then block him.
You didn't ask him to book the holiday, he can take someone else.

pinkyredrose · 25/05/2016 11:33

You don't pay for your birthday present from someone else so def don't pay. Sounds like you've had a lucky escape, he sounds a total wanker.

juneau · 25/05/2016 11:33

He wants you to pay for half of your birthday present? No, just no. Tell him to fuck off.

And yes, as a doctor I'm stunned you would go out with a halfwit like this. He clearly has a huge inferiority complex, but FGS date someone who is of similar intelligence and aspiration.

Amammi · 25/05/2016 11:34

I'm going to go against the grain and say it's a small price to pay to get this guy out of your hair and it may be worth doing so that you can move on. Do it formally - cheque with letter attached detailing its a first and final payment discharging all liabilities and get him to sign as a receipt.

ElspethFlashman · 25/05/2016 11:35

He has no legal recourse. His money, his decision, with no contract between you for retribution of funds on non completion.

I would ghost him, tbh. He sounds nuts and responding is entering into a dialogue with him. He clearly wants to punish you for having the audacity to dump him. He probably knows he can't legally get the money back, but is getting his jollies knowing he may be able to intimidate you. Tear you down to size in other words.

For such a person the strongest weapon is ghosting. But make sure you block him on all available networks first.

heron98 · 25/05/2016 11:37

I second paying. Then you are tying up all the loose ends and can get on with your life.

AyeAmarok · 25/05/2016 11:38

Nah, don't pay. Nobhead.

He bought you a present that he never actually gave you. So no, don't pay.

AyeAmarok · 25/05/2016 11:39

And have higher standards in future and don't sell yourself so short!

CiderwithBuda · 25/05/2016 11:39

I would pay just to get him off my back. He sounds the type who won't let it go. Chalk it up to experience and don't look back.

Dieu · 25/05/2016 11:39

I would pay, if only because he sounds completely unhinged. Pay up and move on OP. Good luck (and you're well rid!). Flowers

CathemeralChild · 25/05/2016 11:41

Buy the entire holiday off him and go with a friend.

ElspethFlashman · 25/05/2016 11:42

Thing is, a bloke like this won't just meekly fade into the distance even if she does pay. It's about punishment.

Block him!

EveryoneElsie · 25/05/2016 11:43

He's an abusive twat, don't have any more contact with him.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/05/2016 11:43

Why are you still receiving texts from him?
Just block him and ignore!

Allbymyselfagain · 25/05/2016 11:45

No! Don't pay! I had one like this and he wanted me to pay everything he had spent during our short time together, no refund for the stuff I paid for obviously. It dos get nasty, I had to get the police involved for other shit he threatened but it's a matter of principle. You give in now he'll find something else to harass you about.

Original poster
StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 11:45

Point completely taken about why I stayed with him for so long - I really don't know what I was thinking! I was too generous giving him the benefit of the doubt (and even sympathy!) at first with regard to falling out with colleagues, but after the 5th fall out I couldn't really deny that the problem probably lay with him...

I'm terrible with conflict and I do genuinely feel bad that he is now out of pocket. He was very confusing; I did not respond to any of the awful texts he sent me and so he clearly realised he'd pushed it too far. He suddenly switched to being incredibly apologetic and saying he didn't really mean any of it.

I'm torn between paying just to be rid of him (as Amammi suggests) and not paying to teach him some kind of lesson, but is that just petty?

OP posts:
BlueFolly · 25/05/2016 11:45

If you're a doctor then I imagine that £200 isn't really a lot of money to you. In which case I might consider paying. Just to get him to shut up and sod off.

sunnyoutside · 25/05/2016 11:47

I wouldn't pay. Block him/don't respond and just move on. I find it quite strange that he was going to spend £200 on your birthday (plus £200 for him) after only 4 months. Do people really do that? More fool him.

Don't pay. Spend that £200 you could have paid him on yourself instead.

blindsider · 25/05/2016 11:48

Hang on this holiday was a gift that he was treating you to and as a result of him being an arsehole, you don't want to go?

Have I got that right?

Legs he has to stand on = Zero

Original poster
StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 11:48

Sorry, should have mentioned my financial situation. Whilst I can afford £200, it is not an insignificant sum to me and will have to come out of my savings. I am still very junior and so most of my money is spent on food/rent/bills.

OP posts:
MrsSteptoe · 25/05/2016 11:49

I hope you've been sufficiently reprimanded for being a doctor and still being human enough to have bad taste in men, OP. Know that I am wagging my finger at you.

You are being perfectly reasonable in refusing to pay. But it may be a small price to pay if it does get rid of him. (Other posters' advice that he may still not go away is worth bearing in mind.)

Good luck.