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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay BF for holiday I cancelled

176 replies

StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 11:27

Long term lurker coming out of hiding to garner some opinions as genuinely not sure if IABU or not...

I have recently split up with a boyfriend of four months. Although we had some good times together, I did have a lot of doubts about him. He started and left two jobs during our relationship due to fall-outs with colleagues, he has a long past history of petty crime and drug use (only found that out shortly before our split!) and has some incredibly arrogant views. We also split earlier in our relationship when he told me that he would 'probably cheat on me' (I've no idea why I took him back!) In short he completely lacks empathy. He was also incredibly insecure about his intelligence (or lack of) and would frequently put me and my job (as a doctor) down. By the end, I was only really staying with him as I felt guilty as he had booked a holiday for us for my birthday present. However, a few days before the holiday he got drunk and sent some unprovoked texts telling me how stupid I am compared to him, how worthless I am, how I am a waste of space etc.. At first I thought he was joking but it quickly became apparent that he wasn't. I sent him a text saying that I couldn't continue the relationship. I heard back from him straight away asking for two hundred pounds (my 'share' for the holiday) to be transferred into his account. This was a week ago and I have had several follow up texts. I am genuinely unsure what to do. I do feel guilty for cancelling but firstly, the holiday was my present (so I never owned him a share) and secondly I feel the break up was completely deserved. So AIBU to tell him I am not paying?

OP posts:
Jengnr · 25/05/2016 12:27

So he expects you to stump up two hundred quid for a present you didn't even get and people on here are advising you to do it?

Bollocks to that, tell him to fuck off.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 25/05/2016 12:28

He's just using this as a way to continue to fuck with you.

Block, delete, ghost, learn lesson, move on.

CocktailQueen · 25/05/2016 12:31

Don't pay!!

His behaviour has meant you don't want to holiday with him/ever see him again. His bad! He sounds like a nasty nobber. You're well shot of him, OP.

I'd text him:

I will not be paying you for the holiday YOU arranged, without asking me, as a a present for me. Your behaviour has led to the end of this relationship - you chose to text me and say I was a waste of space/inferior to you/stupid, and obviously I don't want to go on holiday with someone who thinks like that of me. Find someone else to go with, if you can, and don't contact me again.

CocktailQueen · 25/05/2016 12:32

Delete, block, move on. Come on, OP, this should be obvious!

Perhaps you could work on being more assertive in future (I mean this in the nicest possible way).

Willow2016 · 25/05/2016 12:33

Tell him to jog on.
He booked the holiday you didnt ask him to I am sure he has a mate somewhere who can go with him. its all part of the "see how much better than you I am" sh*t and now its backfired he is throwing his toys out the pram!

Block him, ignore any communication in future, he blew it big time, he is a total prat, why on earth would he think you would even talk to him after all that abuse I dont know. (Head too far up his own arse I suspect)

You had a lucky excape. Find someone who respects you next time, you deserve better.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/05/2016 12:33

Do not pay! You are under neither legal nor moral obligation!

I actually think paying 'to get rid of him' would have the opposite effect. He sounds the type who would see it as weakness and I fear that he would continue to bother you, thinking he could guilt you into seeing him again. After all, if he can guilt you into giving him £200 you didn't owe him why would he not think you're manipulable and fair game?

MurphysChild · 25/05/2016 12:35

I would also do a brief text, saying the holiday was booked by him to a destination he chose without consultation with you and as a present for your birthday. You have not been given the present or are in a relationship with him and therefore will not be giving him anything.

Then block.

SilverBirchWithout · 25/05/2016 12:36

I think it's very unlikely you are actually a doctor, and what sort of holiday would cost only £200?

However in the unlikely event this is has some truth in it, give him the £200 so you can be totally free of him.

Rupster · 25/05/2016 12:37

Now's your chance to grow a backbone.

You owe him nothing. It was a gift, not a financial contract.

Do not contact him. Block all contact with him. If he shows up at your home or place or work, tell him to cease all contact and that you will contact the police if he continues.

You obviously have assertiveness and confidence issues. Now is your opportunity to take back control of your life.

All the best :-)

Andbabymakesthree · 25/05/2016 12:38

Time to get good with conflict!
Be assertive and set higher boundaries. You are well rid but with that history if not have been in a relationship let alone planning a holiday!

Peanutbutterrules · 25/05/2016 12:44

I wouldn't pay. It was his choice, his decision. He's only being nice now to a)draw you in again b)get your money.

He can take a friend, or go alone.

You don't pay for presents!

Block. Ignore.

girlinacoma · 25/05/2016 12:45

It does matter whether he really paid or not, went himself or not, got a refund or not, or whether you initially agreed to pay him (or not).

NONE of this matters. You still do NOT pay him a penny.

You were in an abusive relationship and saw sense to get out of it. You now need to ensure that his hold over you ends now.

Send him one more text as follows:

I do NOT owe you a penny and will not be paying any money for the holiday. This is the last text I will be sending you and I have now blocked your number.

If you make any further attempts to harass me again then I will report the matter to the police.

Don't even add your name at the end, just text and then block.

Then get on with your life, focus on your studies and stay away from relationships for a while so that you can focus and start to explore ways of avoiding abusive and controlling relationships in future.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 25/05/2016 12:45

£200 each is totally believable if there was no flight involved and it wasn't for more than a few days.

I'd suggest a message saying that you won't pay and also stressing that he is not to contact you again. He is using the holiday as a reason to maintain contact (and probably also control). If you paid, he would probably find another reason. He knows you well enough to know that you have problems with assertiveness and he is counting on you not wanting to cause a fuss.

Obviously, block him on everything- social media, phone, email etc.

Original poster
StressedAndConfusedArgh · 25/05/2016 12:48

Thanks again for all of the advice Flowers

Despite formal training in dealing with social interactions (!) at medical school, I do struggle to understand the motives/intentions behind others' words and actions. Normally I deal with this uncertainty by assuming the best in others, but I'm starting to feel that was rather naïve which is a harsh and upsetting lesson to learn.

SilverBirch I'm not sure what makes you think that? I am an FY1, so junior but still a doctor. The total cost of the trip (long weekend in Europe) was £400, making my 'share' £200.

OP posts:
ZippyNeedsFeeding · 25/05/2016 12:55

In my youth (so long ago!) I had trouble standing up for myself. I found it really helped to think about what the other person would realistically do if I said no. I found that saying no with conviction is more often than not enough, and most people will push their luck if they think they can get away with it, but give up when they see it won't be easy to get their own way.

In this case, what's the worst that can happen? I'm assuming he doesn't have any naked pictures/sex videos/proof of serious crime that could cause you serious problems? So unless he really is the kind of nutter to wait in a dark car park with a baseball bat, then Small Claims Court is about the worst he can do. Unlikely, IMO and he would get nowhere anyway.

holidaysarenice · 25/05/2016 12:55

From one junior junior to another...HELL NO!

I know what you earn and it isn't as much as people think. Do not pay for your own birthday present that you don't get to use.

Also to everyone else - being a Dr doesn't change the man radar. And most people are scared off when you tell them your a Dr. Completely the opposite way round when it's a man and being a Dr attracts woman!! It's nuts!

specialsubject · 25/05/2016 12:56

don't pay. This is not your problem. His problem is that he is an arse and you eventually decided that he was too much of an arse. Being an arse is within his control, he's decided to continue being an arse. (Ok, point probably made here...)

block him (mobile phones do have some uses), and move on.

CuteHoor · 25/05/2016 12:57

Why on earth would be 'unlikely' the OP is a doctor, Silver? Are you labouring under the delusion they are an alien uber race who never make poor relationship decisions and that they sleep on beds made of crisp new £50 notes the second they graduate from a medical degree? Hmm

SilverBirchWithout · 25/05/2016 12:58

Funnily enough I have a family member who is also a FY1....

holidaysarenice · 25/05/2016 12:59

I think it's very unlikely you are actually a doctor, and what sort of holiday would cost only £200

I'm one, and I also went to Germany for 3 days, flights and 4* City hotel for 110pounds each - or do you not believe me either?

It's called Ryanair and searching for a deal. Stop being horrible to the op.

Footle · 25/05/2016 12:59

SilverBirch, I hope you've made it clear to your family member that you don't believe in her/him.

SilverBirchWithout · 25/05/2016 13:01

What on earth are you talking about Footle?

blindsider · 25/05/2016 13:01

Silver
Funnily enough I have a family member who is also a FY1....
Well that is very unlikely Hmm

holidaysarenice · 25/05/2016 13:01

cute

Didn't you know junior doctors only sleep on beds of hundred pound notes? We bath with the £50 notes!! Hmm

wishes somebody would throw a few at her overdraft and maxed out credit cards

SilverBirchWithout · 25/05/2016 13:02

Check my posting history blindsider

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